by V. Vaughn
“Look I totally understand that the news is shocking to you, but your life is far from over. You’re only twenty-five and have a lot of living ahead of you.”
I might believe he’s being dramatic, but I do realize that to him this is the end. And I suppose it’s a lot like how I felt when he left me. That realization hurts.
“No, Hillary, I don’t.”
My heart hurts for him. I know how it feels to think you have nothing to look forward to. “I get it. When you left—”
“When I left, I made the biggest mistake of my life.” He waves a hand over his knee. “Yes. Not playing football again really sucks. But do you know why?”
“You’ve lost your dream.”
He shakes his head. “Because it was all I had left. Without you too, what the hell is worth being around for now?”
I blink at him as I process his words. I feel horrible that he’s lost his career, but he chose to lose me. That doesn’t have anything to do with some accident or injury, that decision is on him. I consider responding to his outburst to tell him he doesn’t get to whine about losing me when I wasn’t taken from him.
But I’m not the type to kick a man when he’s down. I decide to treat him like a friend and help him through this hard time however I can.
“I happen to know a thing or two about feeling like you’ve got nothing. What we need to do is get ice cream.” I stand and pull him up with me.
He doesn’t look keen on the idea. I’d bet money that his bear is, though.
“C’mon. You know your bear wants to,” I tease. For such a talented athlete, it’s surprising Alec’s bear has a mighty sweet tooth that doesn’t care about nutrition.
He nods. “All right.”
I’m not used to gloomy, unsure Alec Thompson, and it’s unsettling. He was always upbeat and confident, often just plain cocky. I never knew a moment that ever knocked him down. It’s disheartening to see him like this, and I want to do anything to pull him up from his despair.
He’s quiet when I drive us back to Heartland and pull up at the ice cream parlor on Main Street not far from the public shifter park. I figure we’ll get cones and take them over to the park where we can stroll around as we eat them.
Alec follows me in, and while he’s reluctant, the low rumbling in his chest tells me his bear is happy we’re here. Alec orders a triple scoop of honey vanilla, and I order a single scoop of strawberry. I turn to Alec intent on cheering him up. “Remember how we used to come in here in high school? And spend all my waitress change on cones?”
He offers me a small smile. “You’d never let me pay, even when I knew you were saving up for college.” He frowns. “I was sorry to hear about your mom getting sick.”
After Alec left me, my mom got sick with cancer, and I didn’t go to college, instead opting to stay home and take care of her. She’s a survivor, but it was a tough couple of years. “Thanks.”
“Here you go,” says the girl who is helping us. She hands us both triple cones.
“Wait, that’s not what I ordered. I only wanted one scoop.”
“Oh. Oops.” She giggles. “I won’t charge you for it.”
I frown because I’m not sure I can eat this much ice cream. But I suppose it doesn’t matter, and once Alec pays, we make our way down the sidewalk to the park.
We’re silent as we both lick our cones, and I savor the sweet strawberry flavor. He leads us to a bench, and when we sit, I ask, “How is it?”
Alec grins at me and I notice he’s almost done. “Delicious. This was a good idea.”
I smile back. “I’m glad. You’re feeling better?” I lick my cone again, I’ve eaten a lot of it, but I’m getting full and have lost steam.
He pops the last bit of his cone into his mouth and mumbles over it. “Much.”
I’m not keeping up with the melting of my cone, and ice cream dribbles over my fingers. I hold my treat out to Alec. “I’m never going to finish this. Do you want it?”
He leans in and bites the top off, making me giggle, and I say, “Like I had to ask.”
When he grabs the rest of my cone to finish it off, I begin lick to the sticky residue off my fingers. Alec watches and his chewing slows down as his nostrils flare.
I know that look, and my body responds out of muscle memory. A reaction I should not be having. But the hell of it is I can’t stop it. I pull my finger out of my mouth slowly as my insides heat up with desire.
Alec swallows hard as his lips part, his gaze trained on my mouth. He reaches out. “Let me.” He grabs my hand and wraps his lips around my finger. When he sucks it in, it’s my turn to swallow hard, and I nearly moan with the sensation of his tongue on my skin. White-hot pleasure is zinging through me.
“Alec—”
He releases my finger and moves to lick my palm as he gazes at me with heat in his eyes. Heat that travels straight to my core. “Oh.” I let out a small noise as I lean in closer.
Alec stops licking my hand and says, “You’ve got some on your lips too.”
The lips that are burning with the need for him to kiss me. A need so great I can’t think straight. So when he leans in and kisses me, I don’t stop him. Big mistake, because I’m a goner the moment his mouth meets mine.
It’s like I’m swirling in small whirlpool of bliss as we nibble at each other’s lips, and when he darts his tongue into my mouth, I open up to him only to be swallowed up into a place I’ve been so many times before. A place where time stands still and the only thing that matters is Alec. Touching me, holding me, kissing me as if he needs to in order to stay alive.
I finally manage to pull away when I need to breathe. “I—” I shake my head. “We shouldn’t.”
Alec takes my face in his hands. “Why the hell not, Hillary? Nothing about that kiss felt wrong, did it? We’re so good together, and you know it.”
I shake my head as tears fill my eyes. I’m such a fool. Alec is hurting, and of course he wants to feel better. What better way to do it than have sex with your old girlfriend?
And a huge part of me is so ready to comply. “It’s not that simple.” I pull away and stand up to put distance between us. I gaze down at the man I’m still so attracted to. And I know that if I get involved with him again and he leaves me, this time I’ll die. No matter how great it would be to fall back into bed with him, it would be me making a deal with the devil. “It’s not that simple at all, no matter how much I wish it were.”
Chapter 12
ALEC
I’m losing her, but I don’t think Hillary really wants me too. There’s no way that kiss was from a woman who doesn’t still love me. But her damn conscience had to step up and remind her how much I’ve hurt her. I know she doesn’t want to trust me. Hell, she can’t, and I don’t blame her a bit for it. I think she needs me to grovel right now.
“Hillary, I’m sorry. You’re right. I shouldn’t have kissed you. Please forgive me.” I give her the sheepish smile I used to win her over in the past. “I swear I’ll be good, but please don’t go.”
She scowls at me, but since she hasn’t started walking, I think I’ve got a chance. “I get it. I really do. You don’t want to be anything more than a friend.”
“That’s right.”
I shrug and give her my mischievous smile. “It was the ice cream. You know what sugar does to me and my bear.”
Her expression relaxes a bit, but she’s still skeptical. I say, “Remember the time we got ice cream and then had to go back to calculus?”
She smiles, and I think I’ve got her. I say, “Mrs. Jackson was ready to pull her hair out.” I’m talking about how my bear was so jazzed up on sugar that I couldn’t go back inside, and I scaled the outside wall of the building to poke my head into the open classroom. I kept ducking every time the teacher turned to look, and since the whole class was laughing, I couldn’t stop toying with her. I’ve always been one to love the limelight.
Hillary chuckles now. “Who knew bears could climb buildings?”
“How about the Spiderman shirt I wore the next day?”
Hillary snorts, and it turns into a belly laugh.
God, hearing her laugh makes me happy. I love the way her eyes sparkle and her whole face lights up. She laughs with everything she has. I can just picture her bunny hopping up and down inside of her as her body shakes. When she laughs everything around just becomes that more magical.
My heart aches with how much I miss her. What the hell was I thinking when I left her? Most likely about fame and glory. About the way football made me feel. It was always about me.
I can’t deny that any longer and pretend it was for something else, something more noble. I love the way I feel when I play, how others look at me and praise me when I throw an unbelievable pass, and how the crowd goes wild and chants my name. And I let my damn ego ruin the one thing I never should have neglected.
When I left, I told myself it was better for her, too. But that was a big fat lie. I want to reach out and pull her onto my lap. But if laughing is what I can have right now, I’ll take it.
She says, “You really were such a prankster.”
I grin because I’m just as bad with the team. “Still am.” I want to keep her smiling and I slide over to give her plenty of room on the bench away from me if she wants to sit down.
“Hey,” I say. “Remember that time out at the falls when we shifted and were running around near the edge of the water…”
“And I jumped on your back, and you fell into the water but wouldn’t let me get wet, so you carried me on your head.” She lowers herself onto the bench and twists to face me.
“We sure gave those human tourists a show.” I say
“I know. They were convinced you were only saving me for dinner.”
I nod. “We had a lot of good times. I miss them.”
Her smile droops a little, reminding me of the way her bunny’s ears droop when she’s sad. She drops her gaze to study her nails. “We did.”
I know I should leave well enough alone, but I don’t. “I messed up big time when I left you, Hillary. And I know you think I’m going to leave again. But even before today I planned on sticking around.”
She looks at me for a long moment. “Even if that’s true, can’t you understand how I feel?” she asks. “I’m second best. You can’t have football anymore, so now you can settle for me.”
I scream inside. I hate that she feels that way. I need to prove to her that she’s always been the only one. “That’s not true. You are the only woman I’ve ever loved, Hillary. In fact, you’re the only one I’ve ever slept with, too.”
Her eyes widen. “What?” She tilts her head at me as her eyes narrow in disbelief. “You haven’t had sex with anyone in the past six years?”
I shake my head. “I swear to God.” I know for her it’s hard to believe. I dated a few gorgeous women, and most wanted to head to the bedroom, but I just didn’t feel it for them. I’d tell them I wanted to go slow and milk it for all it was worth, hoping the feeling would change. But it was as if my bear refused be unfaithful. So, they’d dump me, or I’d break it off, knowing it was going to happen anyway.
I reach out and take her hand. “I’ve never wanted to be with anyone but you.”
I can see my confession surprises her. But is it enough to convince her to give me a second chance? I don’t know. I’m already skating on thin ice with her, and I think I need to just let her mull over my recent admission.
I need to give her time and show her I’m really not going anywhere. I’ll wait until she’s ready to come to me. Days, weeks, months, years if need be. I’ll wait a lifetime if only for one chance to have her in my life again.
When she doesn’t respond. I smile and shrug. “What can I say? You’re a hard act to follow. You’re perfect. How can anyone compete with that?”
She ducks her head, and there is a slight flush to her cheeks. “You’re being stupid. I’m far from perfect.”
“Well, maybe not perfect, but you’re damn close. I still remember the score you got on your SAT.”
She guffaws. “You don’t.”
“1553. Good enough to get into any university you wanted to go.”
She smiles, but it’s a bit wistful, and I wonder why she never went off to college like she’d planned. I imagine when her mom got sick she chose to stay and take care of her, and it kills me that I wasn’t there to support her during that time. “You have a good memory,” she finally says.
“I do. I remember everything.”
“Oh, yeah?” She eyes me challengingly. “I don’t believe you.”
“Try me.”
“What was the name of our grade six math teacher?”
“Mr. Watts. He wore bowties and smelled like Vicks VapoRub.”
“Oh my God, yes.” She laughs. “I almost forgot about the smell.”
“How could you forget that?” I laugh. “It followed him everywhere. You always knew Mr. Watts had been in a room because that smell lingered like bad body odor. And your nose would always twitch.”
“Okay, here’s one.” Her eyes narrow. “What was the theme for homecoming—”
“Mardi Gras,” I blurt.
“For our junior year,” she finishes with a shake of her head.
“Ah, junior year was Under the Sea.”
She makes a face, but it’s a pleased one.
“And you wore a short seafoam green dress with little rhinestones all over it. You had your hair up in a sexy, messy pile on your head, and I remember when I came to pick you up your dad secretly gave me twenty bucks to take you out for a burger, fries and milkshake afterward.”
“What? I didn’t know Dad did that.”
I nod. “Yes, he also told me to have you home before eleven or he’d find me and make a bear rug out of me for his den.”
She snort-laughs, and it makes my groin clench. I could listen to that every day for the rest of my life. “That sounds like Dad.”
“How are your parents?”
She smiles. “Good. They moved to Cape Cod to be near Dad’s sister after her husband died. They tried to get me to come too, but I wasn’t ready to leave Heartland.”
“And your mom’s cancer?”
“She’s in remission. The doctors say she’s as close to cured as she can expect for now.”
“That’s good. Really good. I always liked your parents.”
“They liked you too.” She licks her lips then looks down at her lap.
The spell has been broken around us, and it suddenly feels awkward sitting here with Hillary.
She looks up and meets my gaze. I don’t know what to do to make her smile one more time. I bite on my lower lip, suppressing the urge to tell her that I still love her, that I’ve never stopped loving her, and that I will love her until my last breath.
But I need to let Hillary decide she wants me now. To give her the space and time she needs to trust me again. It’s about time I stopped making life all about me.
I look at her and try to determine what she wants me to do. She’s hunched and holding her hands in her lap as if she’s uncomfortable. I say, “It’s probably time you take me home now.”
She doesn’t let out a sigh of relief, but she stands up a little faster than one normally would, telling me I read her right. “Sure. I’ve got a lot to get done this afternoon.”
When she pulls up in front of my place, I look over at her. “Thank you for coming with me, Hillary. You made what was a hard day better than I thought it could be. I really do appreciate you taking me to see your friend.”
She gives me a sad smile. “You’re welcome.”
Every cell in my body wants me to lean over and kiss her. My bear is scratching at my skin, desperate for it. But it’s not what Hillary wants, so I say, “I’ll see you around.”
“You will. I’m not going anywhere.”
I get out and walk to the door. When I get to it, I turn to see if Hillary is still watching, but she’s already pulling away. And when sh
e does, a wave of sadness washes over me followed by despair. At first, I think it makes sense considering the final nail in the coffin of my career was hammered in today. But before I even get through the door, I know that’s not why. I’m in Heartland to stay now, and it’s going to be hard to wait for Hillary to forgive me. But that’s exactly what I have to do.
Chapter 13
HILLARY
“Hillary! The order for table twenty-seven was ready yesterday!”
“Keep your shirt on!” I yell back at Tony as I grab the plates from under the heat lamp. The diner’s packed this morning, and I’m so in the weeds I don’t have time to think about anything other than work. I pour gallons of coffee and slap down no less than one hundred breakfasts in front of customers before the rush ends. Being this busy is a blessing because it means Mandy doesn’t have a chance to pin me down and ask about what happened with Alec. Which is good, because there’s no way I’m telling her I kissed him.
“Hey, Hillary,” Marvin, one of my regulars, calls out to me. He’s in his seventies and a real character who usually keeps me laughing. And since things are slowing down a little, I have time to chat for a bit.
I stop at his table and blow a stray wisp of hair out of my face as I fill up his coffee cup. “What’s up, Marv? Are you bugging that frisky little minx Mrs. Winters for a date again?” Who, by the way, is actually a minx in her animal form. A joke Marvin never tires of.
“Nah, she’s not the one for me anymore. Now, Ida Woods, well she’s a whole different story.” He waggles his eyebrows at me while I wait for it. “That one’s a fox.” He chortles at another shifter joke, because, yep, Ida is a fox shifter. “She can cook, too.”
“That’s mighty important for you, Marv. I see the attraction.” The fire department has been called to Marv’s house more than once, because he set fire to his kitchen while boiling water for tea.
“It is.” He nods. “But that’s not why I called you over. I want to know if Alec Thompson is going to playing in Sunday’s game. I got money riding on the Dolphins, and if he’s not quarterbacking, then I’m not sure they’re going to win.”
