by D. Lawdog
Usual Suspect #1 glared at #2: “Dude, he can’t help the way he was born. Dude!”
Usual Suspect #2: “Umm… pink. And pink.”
Ah-hah! Thought I.
Usual Suspect #1: “Dude, Pinky. Come on, Pinky. Dude, you can’t stay here, dude. Oreos! Pinky, dude, oreos in the kitchen, man. Oreos! Let’s go get the oreos!”
So saying, #1, and after a short pause, #2 began lifting me up, and as they got their shoulders under my arms, I saw the sheriff pop out of the garage and give me a thumbs up.
About bloody time.
I reached into my left sleeve, pulled out the folded paper, handed it to Usual Suspect #1, and announced, quite firmly, “Sheriff’s office, search warrant.”
Usual Suspect #1 stared at me, and then his eyes welled up with tears, “Dude, dude, ah man. Dude! We’re buds, dude!” #2 pivoted slowly and began to oh-so-innocently wander away, only to be corralled and cuffed by the grinning night deputy.
“No, no, dude,” offered #1 as I cuffed him, “No! This ain’t right, man! You sold out, dude! That’s so wrong!”
I turned him around, reached up, pulled that damned gorilla mask off, dropped it on the ground, and shook a hot pink finger in his face, “Listen to me.”
All three sets of jaws dropped.
“Are you listening? Quit guinea-pigging the product. Seriously.”
I was pretty sure that I wasted my breath, given the completely bumfuzzled expression on the face of #1 as he looked from the discarded mask to me and back again; and #2 was just staring at me with his face scrunched up like a monkey doing a math problem.
And then the magnitude of the sheer depravity that local law enforcement was capable of hit Usual Suspect #3.
“OhmyGawdohmyGawdohmyGawd,” she gasped, bouncing up-and-down like a demented jack-in-the-box. “Nonono,youdonunnerstand,nonono!” She took a deep breath, her expression one commonly seen upon the countenance of saints who have just beheld the vilest depths of the utter darkness of the human soul.
“THEY.”
“SKINNED.”
“PINKY!”
The chief deputy was immediately seized by a coughing fit; the sheriff seemed to find something intensely fascinating in the overhead cloud cover whilst rubbing his mustache ferociously; Usual Suspect #1 let out a soul-rending shriek as he fell to his knees, sobbing and nuzzling the discarded gorilla mask, and #3 hurled imprecations and threats in my general direction.
I looked at my fellow peace officers, all finding this to be incredibly funny, gathered my tattered pride and dignity, straightened the bow tie and spats, extracted my hot pink gorilla mask from #1, tucked it under my arm, announced firmly, “I’m going home, now,” turned, and began marching down the street.
But not before the night deputy slid a comradely arm about my shoulders and said, with steely sympathy, “I know it doesn’t feel like this now, but your betrayal was for their own good. Go home. Drown your sorrows in oreos. Things will be better in the morning.”
Oh, you’re a right bastard, you are.
And that, my friends, is the end.
Science Fiction
Awake in the Night Land by John C. Wright
City Beyond Time: Tales of the Fall of Metachronopolis by John C. Wright
Somewhither: A Tale of the Unwithering Realm by John C. Wright
The Corroding Empire 1: Corrosion by Johan Kalsi
Back From the Dead by Rolf Nelson
Hyperspace Demons by Jonathan Moeller
Mutiny in Space by Rod Walker
Alien Game by Rod Walker
Young Man's War by Rod Walker
QUANTUM MORTIS A Man Disrupted by Steve Rzasa and Vox Day
QUANTUM MORTIS Gravity Kills by Steve Rzasa and Vox Day
QUANTUM MORTIS A Mind Programmed by Jeff Sutton, Jean Sutton, and Vox Day
Victoria: A Novel of Fourth Generation War by Thomas Hobbes
Fantasy
One Bright Star to Guide Them by John C. Wright
The Book of Feasts & Seasons by John C. Wright
Iron Chamber of Memory by John C. Wright
Moth & Cobweb 1: Swan Knight's Son by John C. Wright
Moth & Cobweb 2: Feast of the Elfs by John C. Wright
Moth & Cobweb 3: Swan Knight's Sword by John C. Wright
Moth & Cobweb 4: Daughter of Danger by John C. Wright
Moth & Cobweb 5: City of Corpses by John C. Wright
Moth & Cobweb 6: Tithe to Tartarus by John C. Wright
Arts of Dark and Light 0: Summa Elvetica: A Casuistry of the Elvish Controversy by Vox Day
Arts of Dark and Light 1: A Throne of Bones by Vox Day
Arts of Dark and Light 2: A Sea of Skulls by Vox Day
A Magic Broken by Vox Day
The Wardog's Coin by Vox Day
The Last Witchking by Vox Day
The Altar of Hate by Vox Day
The War in Heaven by Vox Day
The World in Shadow by Vox Day
The Wrath of Angels by Vox Day
Military Science Fiction
There Will Be War Vol. I ed. Jerry Pournelle
There Will Be War Vol. II ed. Jerry Pournelle
There Will Be War Vol. III ed. Jerry Pournelle
There Will Be War Vol. IV ed. Jerry Pournelle
There Will Be War Vol. V ed. Jerry Pournelle
There Will Be War Vol. VI ed. Jerry Pournelle
There Will Be War Vol. IX ed. Jerry Pournelle
There Will Be War Vol. X ed. Jerry Pournelle
Plague Wars 0: The Eden Plague by David VanDyke
Plague Wars 1: Reaper's Run by David VanDyke
Plague Wars 2: Skull's Shadows by David VanDyke
Galactic Liberation 1: Starship Liberator by David VanDyke and B.V. Larson
Galactic Liberation 2: Battleship Indomitable by David VanDyke and B.V. Larson
Riding the Red Horse Vol. 1 ed. Tom Kratman and Vox Day
Fiction
An Equation of Almost Infinite Complexity by J. Mulrooney
Hitler in Hell by Martin van Creveld
Loki's Child by Fenris Wulf
The Ames Archives 1: Brings the Lightning by Peter Grant
The Ames Archives 2: Rocky Mountain Retribution by Peter Grant
The Missionaries by Owen Stanley
Non-Fiction
4th Generation Warfare Handbook by William S. Lind and LtCol Gregory A. Thiele, USMC
A History of Strategy: From Sun Tzu to William S. Lind by Martin van Creveld
Equality: The Impossible Quest by Martin van Creveld
Clio & Me: An Intellectual Autobiography by Martin van Creveld
Four Generations of Modern War by William S. Lind
On War: The Collected Columns of William S. Lind 2003-2009 by William S. Lind
MAGA Mindset: Making YOU and America Great Again by Mike Cernovich
The Nine Laws by Ivan Throne
Appendix N: A Literary History of Dungeons & Dragons by Jeffro Johnson
Transhuman and Subhuman: Essays on Science Fiction and Awful Truth by John C. Wright
Astronomy and Astrophysics by Dr. Sarah Salviander
Compost Everything: The Good Guide to Extreme Composting by David the Good
Grow or Die: The Good Guide to Survival Gardening by David the Good
Push the Zone: The Good Guide to Growing Tropical Plants Beyond the Tropics by David the Good
SJWs Always Lie: Taking Down the Thought Police by Vox Day
Collected Columns, Vol. I: Innocence & Intellect, 2001—2005 by Vox Day
Collected Columns, Vol. II: Conceit & Crisis, 2006—2009 by Vox Day
Collected Columns, Vol. III: Failure & Freedom, 2010—2012 by Vox Day
Cuckservative: How “Conservatives” Betrayed America by John Red Eagle and Vox Day
On the Existence of Gods by Dominic Saltarelli and Vox Day
On the Question of Free Trade by James D. Miller and Vox Day
Do We Need God To Be Good? by C.R. Hallpike<
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The LawDog Files by LawDog
Table of Contents
Foreword by Larry Correia
Introduction
FILE 1: Armadillo Love
FILE 2: The Good Shoot
FILE 3: Pogonip
FILE 4: Big Mama
FILE 5: The Lovebirds
FILE 6: Box o’ Steaks
FILE 7: Two Beers
FILE 8: The Six-Foot Chickens
FILE 9: Fooblic Intoxidation
FILE 10: Pheasant Season
FILE 11: Communion
FILE 12: Going Home
FILE 13: Napoleon Complex
FILE 14: City Folk
FILE 15: No Gun
FILE 16: Masterminds
FILE 17: Shift Summation
FILE 18: Kerfuffle in West/8
FILE 19: Contraband
FILE 20: A Memory I Will Treasure Always
FILE 21: The Monster Inside
FILE 22: Detoxification
FILE 23: Rivers of Ink
FILE 24: The Power of Paper
FILE 25: Unhappy Meal
FILE 26: Dinosaur
FILE 27: Treed
FILE 28: A Lesson in Respect
FILE 29: Thing 1 and Thing 2
FILE 30: Definitions
FILE 31: ’Allo! ’Allo! ’Allo!
FILE 32: Chemistry 101
FILE 33: Normal Business
FILE 34: Universal Precautions
FILE 35: Orienteering
FILE 36: Dress Code
FILE 37: The Proper Care of Handcuffs
FILE 38: A Life, Ruined
FILE 39: Kein Engel
FILE 40: Wasabi!
FILE 41: A Damsel in Distress
FILE 42: Your Wife
FILE 43: Canis Interruptus
FILE 44: Buster and the Black Belt
FILE 45: The Pink Gorilla Suit
The Missionaries
Brings the Lightning
Castalia House
