by Robert Chafe
“Are you alright?”
“I’m fine.”
Asking again and again, not hearing her, not believing, no possible reassurance enough to still him.
“I’m fine, Grant honey. I’m fine.”
The two of them there, the car doors open and dinging, the frightening roll of transport trucks coming and going on the highway. Telling Brenda he loved her. Meaning it.
He meant it, even then.
Outside the club, in a narrow alley glinting with broken glass, Grant bent himself in half and started retching against a wall. The booze still so fresh in his stomach, and the one thought booming: where did the hours go? Where did the years go? Nate was behind him, hand on his back, asking if he was ok.
“What happened to the music? The music stopped.”
“We’re done for the night. We can go now.”
“Fuck that!”
Grant tried to stand up too quickly and the wall fell into him. He slid down it then, his ass landing in something wet and soft, pushed himself to stand again, tried to register the time he was on the ground. Was it seconds, minutes? Where was Nate? Where was the music?
“I got your coat, come on.”
“I hate that fucking coat.”
Grant stared at Nate, his skinny frame dancing and sliding in the street-lamp light. Grant put his hand to the wall, missed and caught himself before falling again. How long since he got up the first time? Seconds, minutes?
“It’s cold out, Dad. Come on!”
“I want to buy her a drink.”
He was talking about the girl on the dance floor and he saw that Nate knew it well enough.
“Don’t do that, you’re embarrassing yourself.”
“I’m embarrassing you. What’s her name? She your girlfriend?”
“Her wife plays bass in my band.”
Grant grunted his confusion, pushed himself off the wall fully, asked Nate if he wanted a drink.
“I’m not supposed to, remember?”
Grant was drunk enough to have forgotten that, drunk enough to not feel bad about forgetting it. Nate held out his coat to him. Grant stared at it for a second and for some reason it brought a flush of awareness. Grant started to cry, and gave into it.
“Jesus, Dad.”
He walked in a tiny circle then, the toes of his boots pulling the alley’s garbage around with them. Nate went to him, put his arm around Grant’s shoulder, his head to his head.
“Come on, let me take you home.”
Grant shrugged him off, turned away, a different kind of embarrassed now. He reached back and snatched his coat from Nate, and pushed him away a little too hard.
“You could have said thank you. I got you your fucking coat.”
Grant turned and looked at the boy then, stared at him fully, squinted into the darkness he was becoming part of. He saw lights and Nate’s silhouette, yes, and suddenly something else. Beyond Nate, around him. All over him and pouring out of him onto the street. Booze. And pills. And cigarettes. And then money. Money, lots of money, all that money spent, trumpet lessons and gas, and report cards, all those As and then Fs and guitar strings, fucking guitar strings and Star Wars and counselling and Mary and her locked bedroom door and weakness, his own weakness and his own cum and fear and then joy, such joy, and Brenda, his Brenda, and their wedding cake, their wedding day, his bride, and her sadness, her anger, her distance, and a night before it all, a night before Nate, a beautiful night by the side of the Trans-Canada highway, car doors open and the glow of the city in the distance, and thankfulness. Real gratitude.
Tell Nate it’s not his fault, she’d said.
Grant spat on the ground, gave it all he could, and it landed on his own shoe. Nate snorted. Grant heard him, it was quiet and meant to be private, but it was enough. It was enough to make Grant come at him then. Charging suddenly, like a big bull moose, eyes dripping fierce, both of his arms swinging.
WOOF (2)
Oct. 30
8:57 PM me: have you lived in cali your whole life?
G______: mostly, was born in Vietnam but no memories of it. were you born in newfoundland?
me: yeah. travelled a lot, but always been based there.
9:02 PM me: you being my age, the math is automatic. not the easiest time to be born in vietnam.
G______: my mom married whitey, so our exit wasn't dramatic
9:05 PM me: i'm in a surly mood tonight. i just want to stick my face in a bag of chips.
G______: do so immediately
9:10 PM me: canada's largest literary prize was just given out tonight. for some reason this depresses me.
G______: maybe you'll be nominated some day.
me: been battling with the old writing of late, feeling pretty...sucky.
9:14 PM G______: sorry bub. i imagine it's very difficult.
me: ah, boo fucking hoo, eh.
9:16 PM G______: well, we all have personal struggles to contend with no matter what's going on in the world. <=== dang, all deepak choprah
9:24 PM me: hey panda, do you live in a house or apartment?
G______: i have a house
9:27 PM me: re-reading that question it kinda sounded stalker-y.
G______: no it doesn't, just asking about my life
me: good. :)
me: do you live alone?
G______: if it's too personal i’ll say so. you as well.
9:34 PM me: for sure.
G______: yes, i've mostly lived alone for like 15 years now.
9:35 PM me: cool. me too.
9:37 PM G______: this song just kills me: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CvPFhR4D2eU
9:39 PM me: i know! sniff. I do love me some Emmy Lou Harris.
9:40 PM G______: i wanna move to texas.
me: steers and queers. but seriously, why texas?
9:43 PM G______: i love visiting austin. i live in a conservative city in a very liberal state. i'd rather the opposite.
9:46 PM me: really? barstow is conservative?
9:47 PM G______: most of central CA is, it's two states here.
G______: going walking. smooches bobby noodles.
me: huh. the more you know.
me: walk safe, panda. conservative barstow and all. xo
Oct. 31
6:00 PM G______: i began the last season of friday night lights series last night.
me: go panthers!
me: i've only seen the first three seasons.
6:01 PM G______: i love it, kyle chandler is so dreamy
me: i was just going to say that.
6:02 PM me: i want to get yelled out by him in the shower room for my lack of commitment only to have him knock on my door later that night to apologize to my mom.
G______: and i love connie britton on nashville
me: i hate that you're not on facebook. i should be totally stalking you on there.
6:17 PM G______: i just don't have much going on that my facebook would be interesting
6:18 PM me: unlike everybody else who is on there. one of my "friends" posted today this barn burner of an article: “twelve pets who aren’t sorry they stole your bed.”
6:19 PM G______: heehee
6:39 PM me: i've had fleeting fears that having only seen the one photo of you, that you are actually a sixty year old housewife, who found that pic on hotasians.com or something and that this could turn into a "catfish" thing.
me: don't click on that link. i didn't intend for that to be a link.
6:43 PM G______: yah well. shit happens.
6:48 PM me: phew. glad to hear you feel that way. i'm actually seventy-eight and a former women's tennis champ.
6:49 PM G______: serendipity
me: i would totally go lesbian for you panda.
6:51 PM G______:serendipity is the new shit happens. you can quote me.
6:55 PM me: are you at home?
G______: nah. at my local burger joint, run by A-rabs. watching baseball.
7:03 PM me: wouldn't it be funny if we lik
e kept on chatting and got to really know each other and like each other, and then one day i came to meet you in person only to discover that your jokes about jews and arabs weren't really jokes, and that you were a total racist. wouldn't that be a hoot!
7:07 PM me: and then i'd have to sleep with you anyway because, hey…I flew all the way from canada.
G______: fun times
7:17 PM G______: poor birds, sometimes they fly into my back window.
Nov. 1
12:49 AM me: have you ever written panda? yer pretty funny.
12:51 AM G______: thanks. nah, i try to be funny on the twitters, but only bots follow me.
12:52 AM me: you have a nice respect for it all too, which is great. i went on a date with a dude last year who just made fun of artists the whole time. it was like "did you not hear me when i told you what i did for a living?"
G______: the gays have a particularly acute sense of dismissiveness
12:54 AM me: oh those gays.
me: hey, have you ever been in a super duper relationship, like married or anything?
12:55 AM G______: i was with someone for nearly 4 years, we lived together part of that time. it was the most meaningful one. you?
12:57 AM me: no, sadly. mostly i guess i've just been colossally unlucky.
G______: how so?
12:59 AM me: well I once went on a date with a guy who talked so much about himself, that at the end of the night he said “nice meeting you DAVID.” Ug. After spending the night with another guy I tried to kiss him goodbye in the morning. He looked me in the eye and said “So you’re one of those.” I’m still not sure I know what he meant. The longest relationship I’ve ever had was for four months, two of which I spent incapacitated with a fractured rib. A guy I dated once went psycho at a club (happily in my absence), slashed himself with a beer bottle, smeared blood on the walls. Took four cops to take him down, or so I heard anyway. Another guy I had a crush on, and finally landed for a date, turned out to be having an affair with his “straight” married boss. Conventional wisdom holds that the only common thing among my mistakes is me. The only bit of it all I’ve truly gotten over was the broken rib.
1:05 AM G______: ouch
1:07 AM me: feels weird to say all that out loud, or write, because i fear it makes me look dysfunctional. or like an asshole.
1:09 AM G______: i understand that fear.
me: haha. is that your way of saying i sound dysfunctional?
G______: no.
1:12 AM me: just kidding. i do worry about it sometimes though.
1:13 AM G______: lots of gays haven't been in "marriage"
1:14 AM me: for sure. this is true.
7 minutes
1:21 AM me: you there?
1:24 AM me: panda?
Nov. 2
11:41 PM me: do you play anything? instruments i mean? :)
G______: nah, i'm what is known as talentless.
11:43 PM me: i can kinda pick out a simple tune on a guitar, with plenty of advanced notice. it is a wooing strategy. i intend to woo with it.
11:44 PM G______: you are the woomaster
11:45 PM me: my internets is insanely slow tonight.
11:51 PM G______: i thought you were wooing me with slow internet.
11:52 PM me: cause slow internet is so sexy eh babe?
11:53 PM G______: it makes my pussy wet
me: all this talk of pussy is sooo gay.
12:02 AM G______: lordy, just a few more days and these election ads come to an end.
me: it's been pretty non-stop coverage up here, i can only imagine what it is like down there.
12:03 AM G______: we truly only get about one year out of every four without coverage
12:04 AM me: ha. yes, i suppose that is true. i would kill for an election right now.
me: we have a complete fuckwad in power for the next four years.
12:07 AM G______: harper? hadta look it up, had forgotten
G______: y'know i'm a teabagging conservative right?
12:09 AM me: conservative? i had no idea. i just assumed about the teabagging part. ;)
12:11 AM G______: ha!
12:12 AM me: i would still chat with you if you were uber right wing.
12:15 AM G______: well good, cuz i am.
me: haha. yer funny.
Nov. 4
12:26 AM G______: 8-)
12:27 AM me: hey hey. how are you? watching ted talks now. :)
12:30 AM G______: gaaaaaay.
me: ted talks?
12:31 AM G______: riiiiiight.
G______: what's on ted?
me: i don't want to tell you. you'll make fun.
G______: yes I probably would
me: my ted talk was about embracing vulnerability. and yes i still have a penis.
12:35 AM G______: sitting quietly. not mocking
12:39 AM me: it’s called “The Power of Vulnerability” by Brene Brown, from the June 2010 TEDxHouston. She’s a research professor at the University of Houston in the school of Social Work. link in case you’re interested; http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iCvmsMzlF7o it has been doing the rounds on facebook. I saw the title and felt for some reason compelled to watch. She’s spent the last ten years studying human empathy and shame. She defines shame as the “fear of disconnection: is there something about me that if other people know it, or see it, that I won’t be worthy of connection.” According to her the only difference between people who have a strong sense of love and belonging, and those who struggle for it, is that the people who have it truly feel that they are worthy of it.
17 minutes
12:56 AM me: hey panda, have you ever had long hair?
G______: nah, you?
12:57 AM me: when i was a college boy. down to the middle of my back. it was a complicated time.
12:58 AM me: piercings?
1:00 AM G______: heehee. i got three. you?
1:01 AM me: used to have four in my ears. my nose. and my nipple. not anymore.
me: now it's just my cock.
me: kidding. :)
1:02 AM G______: ch ch ch changes
me: for reals, you have three piercings?
1:03 AM G______: nipple navel prince albert
me: i honestly can't tell if you are fucking with me. it's a first.
1:04 AM G______: um okay seriously. there are bigger things to lie about.
Nov. 6
6:15 PM me: hey panda, when is your birthday?
6:17 PM G______: early october. yourself?
me: aug. 21. i'm a leo. i like to think i only display the best traits though. you know...loyalty, more than aggressive ego.
6:20 PM G______: i know nothing of the astrology.
6:23 PM me: i don't pay much attention to it beyond my own sign. leo: egoistic and self-centered.
6:24 PM me: i wish you were here now so you could make dinner while i grab a shower. and then we could eat dinner together. that would be awesome.
G______: eh, maybe
G______: im eating prunes with a toothpick. should i just kill myself?
6:35 PM me: I should be proactive and go get some groceries.
6:38 PM G______: gaaaay
6:40 PM me: One of only many gay things about me.
me: Well, two gay things really. Groceries, and all that sex with men.
6:41 PM G______: toques, too
6:42 PM me: There's nothing gay about the Canadian toque.
6:43 PM me: Unless worn while giving head.
6:44 PM G______: ha
6:47 PM me: Have you ever been beardless? Post puberty I mean.
6:49 PM G______: yes. sometimes goatee sometimes beardy
6:50 PM me: I was exclusively goatee-ey up until two years ago. I think I'm settled on the beard now.
6:53 PM G______: i enjoys the bearded fellas
7:05 PM me: hey panda, do you own or rent?
G______: .own.
7:07 PM me: is the market crazy expensive in barstow?
G______: nah, it'
s depressed. My country is going down the tubes
7:13 PM me: how big is your place?
G______: 3 bedroom 2 bath. you?
7:14 PM me: wowzers. mine is tiny.
me: ahem.
G______: this is an inherited house. all my family is dead.
me: did your parents pass long ago?
G______: dad in 75,mom in 99.
7:16 PM me: ah. shitty. sorry to hear you lost your dad so young. :(
7:17 PM G______: i missed out on all the dad things
7:19 PM me: that's really rough.
7:21 PM me: my dad's getting up there. worried about him, being so far away and all.
G______: i can imagine.
7:23 PM me: depressing conversation, sorry about that!
G______: no worries.
7:24 PM me: i'm enjoying getting to know you a bit though. hope that's fair to say.
7:26 PM me: i'm ordering a pizza. i'm doing it.
G______: do it, be a man.
7:27 PM me: it's the most manly thing i'll do all day
Nov. 7
12:49 AM me: What’s your greatest fear?
G______: That they’ll stop making twinkies. Wait a minute. Oh. Shit.
12:52 AM me: My greatest fear is that I’ll end up alone. Like dying alone.
12:53 AM G______: How cliché.
me: I know right. Boo hoo. The one thing I’m not alone in is the fear of that.
12:53 AM G______: Solitude is nice. Then you don’t have to share your ice cream.
12:58 AM me: I’m really afraid to go to my parents funerals alone.
12:59 AM G______: Jesus. Ug.
me: Sorry.
1:03 AM G______: No, whatevs. If this is what you’re thinking about.
1:05 AM me: Like my brothers are all married. The chafe boys have no trouble finding girls. I should have been straight.
1:06 AM G______: So you’re afraid of going to your parents funerals because your brothers are straight?
me: No because they are all married. Have someone.
1:08 AM G______: So what.
me: I know I know. but it’s a real fear.
1:11 AM G______: ??
1:15 AM me: years ago a friend of mine’s mom died. At the end of the funeral when the family followed the casket out, she’s like one of six kids, and all the others were married. And she was just walking down alone in the middle of these couples. It was the saddest thing I’ve ever seen.
