by Robert Chafe
G______: #awesomemoviereference
4:10 PM me: and if i start winning awards, you are my date. (but you'll have to put out)
4:11 PM G______: i'm happy you are excited about writing it. you're welcome – sincerely, your muse
March 16, 2013
8:19 PM G______: how’s st. john’s
8:23 PM me: cold and drizzly.
me: How’s cali?
8:25 PM G______: Morally bankrupt and jaded.
G______: i didn’t sleep well last night. Exhausted.
8:28 PM me: neither did I. I miss your snoring.
8:29 PM G______: (fuck you)
me: lol
8:32 PM me: whatcha doin tonight?
8:33 PM G______: Homebody central baby!
G______: Whatre you doing?
8:35 PM me: Watching a zombie movie.
8:36 PM me: We are a couple of wild and crazy guys, no?
8:40 PM G______: I miss you.
8:41 PM me: Panda I miss you so much its stupid. :(
8:44 PM G______: Aww you’re sweet. We sure had the funs in DC huh?
8:46 PM me: I knew we would. I was mostly surprised by how comfortable it was.
8:51 PM G______: Yeah, we were very kind to each other.
8:54 PM me: The zombies in this movie are becoming human again through the power of love. I kid you not.
8:55 PM G______: Ug.
8:57 PM me: It actually had some laughs in it, before it became all serious and romantic.
8:59 PM me: If I was independently wealthy I would come visit you. Can I say that?
9:02 PM G______: We could quit everything and travel.
me: I gotta start buying lottery tickets.
March 21, 2013
10:04 PM me: i have plenty of really nice pics of DC, despite my “crappy phone”. ;)
10:08 PM G______: you should send me some.
10:11 PM me: I have a few nice ones of you looking all patriotic and prideful with white marble in the back ground and stars and stripes and and and…
10:13 PM G______: Music swells, chest pushes out, cape unfurls.
10:16 PM me: There really is a lot of white marble in that town.
10:20 PM G______: They got a good price on it. they were originally gonna build the capital out of particle board.
10:21 PM me: Woulda looked so nice in all those reflecting pools.
10:23 PM G______: I’m glad you took some pictures.
10:25 PM me: And I have one beauty shot from the air when I was taking off to come home. :-p
G______: You’re welcome.
10:27 PM me: You were pretty insistent that I sat on the right side of the plane to see the national mall.
10:29 PM G______: Yes because you sat on the wrong side on the way in. dork. Simple instructions and you still cannot follow.
10:31 PM me: I had an amazing view of the pentagon though. Surprising that.
10:32 PM G______: I wanted you to see the mall.
10:33 PM me: I know. And I did, didn’t i?
10:34 PM G______: Thanks to me. You’re welcome.
10:35 PM me: I have so much to thank you for. The list is getting long.
March 28, 2013
12:35 PM me: We used to text and write a lot.
12:36 PM G______: We still do.
12:38 PM me: Yeah we used to do so more often. Like daily.
12:40 PM G______: Well we were getting to know each other.
12:41 PM me: And now?
12:43 PM G______: I don’t know. it feels more assured somehow. Like we don’t have to try as hard.
12:46 PM me: That’s sweet. Because we met?
12:48 PM G______: Yeah I guess. And because I trust what this is.
12:51 PM me: What this is? What is it? lol
12:53 PM G______: Our friendship. I trust our friendship.
12:55 PM me: Yes.
12:58 PM me: I guess I do too
13 minutes
1:11 PM G______: Finished editing our chats yet?
1:12 PM me: No. taking it in small doses. A lot to get through.
1:14 PM me: I miss you.
1:15 PM G______: I miss you too.
1:16 PM me: And yet we chat less and less. lol
1:18 PM G______: Maybe chatting more would make us miss each other more.
1:20 PM me: Is that true?
1:21 PM G______: Maybe. Maaaybeee
April 12, 2013
11:43 PM me: You referred to yourself as a failure once. You remember?
11:45 PM G______: Did I?
11:48 PM me: Yeah. I only remember that because I am going through these chats. Have you read the ones I sent yet?
11:50 PM G______: No. Sorry. I’m gonna get to it this weekend.
G______: I was probably joking about being a failure.
11:52 PM me: I don’t think so.
11:54 PM G______: Are you sure? We know how good you are at these things.
11:56 PM me: You were really down that day, for some reason. And called yourself a failure. When I tried to see what was wrong you ended the conversation.
11:57 PM G______: Killlllljjooooooyyyy.
G______: Sorry.
11:59 PM me: No, my god, don’t worry about it. I’ve just been thinking about it a lot lately.
12:03 AM G______: Because you’re failing?
me: Maybe. Lol
12:05 AM me: Just edited that chat last week, and I’ve been thinking about it ever since.
12:07 AM me: Do you feel our trip to DC was a failure?
12:09 AM G______: No. do you?
12:12 AM me: I don’t know. it wasn’t what I expected.
12:14 AM G______: What did you expect.
12:15 AM me: Well we did meet on a gay chat site, so...
12:19 AM G______: Are you disappointed?
me: That we shared a bed but didn’t sleep together? A little. But that’s not it.
12:21 AM me: I’m just preoccupied by the “why” not so much the “what.” you know?
12:23 AM me: Why did you call yourself a failure.
12:25 AM G______: Maybe my job was pissing me off.
me: Then you could have said “I hate my job”.
12:28 AM G______: Yes, I could have.
G______: Are you trying to script me or something?
12:30 AM me: What do you mean?
12:32 AM G______: Like a character in one of your plays. “I could have said…”. Well I didn’t. I said I was a failure. I guess I felt like a failure that day.
12:34 AM me: Sorry. I’ve made you mad.
12:36 AM G______: No, not at all. Just wondering why you are on about this.
12:39 AM me: Nothing, forget it.
12:41 AM G______: Ok. I gotta snooze.
G______: Later noodles.
April 23, 2013
10:13 AM me: Remember our conversation at the Lincoln memorial? Before we went for that walk, sitting on the steps out front?
10:15 AM G______: I want to say no, but of course I do.
me: Yes, of course you do. Sorry.
10:17 AM me: I lied. That night. I have to tell you that.
G______: Oh. How so?
10:21 AM me: You asked me if I ever wanted to get married and I said I wasn’t sure. That was disingenuous. It was the cool lie instead of the awkward truth. I think about getting married. I do, and long before it was legal or even possible. I really want to get married. I always say to my friends: I’m a bad gay man.
10:23 AM G______: Tons of the gays want to get married. Obviously.
10:27 AM me: I know. but it seems so cliché somehow, something I should be over. All common sense and eastern wisdom says that one shouldn’t rely on another person for happiness. I accept that, I spout it at parties like something I came up with myself. But deep down I don’t believe it. deep down I want to be with someone. And in a permanent way. In a way that is unquestionable and dependable. And what’s worse is that the rational side of me doesn’t believe it even exists, such relationships, such men.
10:29 AM G______: Maybe they don’t. I’m not doing much to counter that claim for you right?
10:32 AM me: You really don’t want to get married? You were serious about that? I’m not proposing or anything, I’m just asking.
G______: Nope.
10:34 AM me: Why?
G______: I just don’t.
10:38 AM me: Part of me, when I hear that from people, part of me wants to see it as a symptom, as a crack in a person that can be mended. That’s a dangerous trend in me.
10:39 AM G______: And pretty patronizing.
10:41 AM me: Yes. Sorry. For sure.
me: Fail. Epic fail.
May 5, 2013
8:48 PM me: In a cabin for the weekend, working on the story collection. The last 48hrs I’ve been editing the last of our chats.
8:49 PM me: Funny and painful.
8:51 PM G______: Painful?
me: Yeah a little.
8:54 PM me: Maybe painful is the wrong word. Melancholic perhaps.
G______: How so?
8:58 PM me: I’m jumbling them up and sorting them into chapters of a sort. They’re gonna be a kinda examination of “obstacles”. First chapter, distance. Second chapter, politics. Third chapter, ??. Maybe desire. Or lack thereof? Hence melancholic.
Heavy but beautiful too. Ya know?
9:03 PM G______: I’m retarded.
me: Lol. Why?
9:06 PM me: Why are you retarded panda? Why would you say that?
9:09 PM G______: I don’t understand the writings. Its my day off.
9:12 PM me: maybe I’m not making much sense with describing it, to be honest. Hopefully it will make more sense on the page.
9:14 PM me: I hope you read them someday.
9:17 PM me: I still don’t know how to end them. What they are supposed to amount to.
9:20 PM G______: I think summer is arriving here. Very warm
9:22 PM me: really? Jesus. Spring is not showing a sign yet. some far off rumour here. Even the photos on gas station calendars don’t dare show a flower until june.
May 9, 2013
7:05 PM me: I need to eat. Tofu veggie stir fry? Or I hop in car and a twenty minute drive for fried chicken?
7:08 PM G______: You even have to ask the question? I am now officially over you.
7:10 PM me: Oh shut up, you were never under me.
me: Bam!
me: Lol
7:12 PM G______: Score.
G______: Lol
7:15 PM me: Lol. And I don’t know what I should eat? Guide me oh wise one.
G______: I dunno.
7:20 PM me: I’m gonna make stir fry. The admission/declaration that you were never under me has made me feel bad about myself and in need of a diet.
7:22 PM G______: Sorry.
7:25 PM me: Thanks. Its totally fine. Its been driving me crazy.
7:26 PM G______: What is driving you crazy?
7:28 PM me: Why things seemed to fizzle when we hit DC. Why we ended up just friends.
7:30 PM G______: That makes it sound like a letdown.
7:33 PM me: Am I happy that we are still growing a friendship? Yes. Am I also somewhat disappointed because I’m really attracted to you? Yes.
7:36 PM me: But this is not to make you feel bad. I was just craving clarity, and I feel like I’m getting it now. All good.
7:39 PM G______: Its an odd situation cuz we live so far away from each other.
7:41 PM me: I know but distance is not it totally. I kinda knew that the day we spoke at the Lincoln memorial.
7:45 PM me: this stirfry… Yum.
7:46 PM G______: What did you put in it?
7:48 PM me: Tofu, yellow pepper, garlic, and a little balsamic.
G______: That sounds good.
7:50 PM me: Simple but good. Not unlike myself.
7:55 PM G______: Its weird. I think of us more than just friends somehow and nothing has fizzled for me, just being honest.
May 10, 2013
Call me?
Now?
Are you able to?
May 21, 2013
10:39 PM G______: Hey.
10:43 PM me: Hey, nice to hear from you.
10:45 PM me: Sorry that kinda read as passive aggressive, wasn’t intended to.
10:48 PM G______: Did it. didn’t notice.
10:49 PM me: How you been?
10:52 PM G______: Busy with work.
10:53 PM me: Real busy I guess.
10:55 PM G______: Now that was passive aggressive.
me: Yes, it was.
10:58 PM G______: No apology for it?
11:00 PM me: No apology for dropping off the face of the planet for two weeks.
11:02 PM G______: After our phone chat I thought you needed some time.
G______: You said that.
11:03 PM me: Did i?
11:05 PM G______: I heard that.
11:08 PM me: Maybe you wanted to hear that.
11:10 PM G______: You want to get married, really? I would never have guessed.
11:11 PM me: What’s that supposed to mean?
11:13 PM G______: It was supposed to be funny. You know: nag nag nag.
11:14 PM me: Ouch.
11:16 PM G______: We used to be funny right?
11:19 PM G______: That’s why you wanted to use these chats in your stories right?
11:23 PM me: Yes. But there’s also a serious side. There has to be right? They have to be taken seriously.
11:25 PM G______: I read them, did I tell you that?
11:26 PM me: No, you didn’t tell me that.
11:28 PM G______: Interesting editing.
11:29 PM me: Interesting = bad?
11:30 PM G______: Interesting = telling.
me: Not sure what you mean.
11:33 PM G______: I’m seeing what you think of me with some clarity, lets just say that.
11:35 PM me: What do you think I think of you? lol
11:38 PM G______: Everything is about my sarcasm and my quips and it makes me sound like an asshole to be honest.
me: what? no.
11:41 PM G______: And maybe a little racist.
me: that’s not my intent.
11:43 PM G______: well, that’s how it reads.
11:44 PM me: I simply edited out all the parts where we talk about food.
11:46 PM G______: ok
11:47 PM me: Its all you dude.
11:51 PM G______: Taken out of context I sound pretty bad, you have to admit.
11:53 PM me: That wasn’t my intent. Really.
11:55 PM me: Do you want me to pull the plug on this?
11:57 PM me: For realz, I will.
12:02 AM G______: You will dump all of that work if I say I want you to?
12:04 AM me: Feel the power coursing through your veins suddenly? lol
12:07 AM G______: Its an unfair thing to ask me. I can’t tell you one way or another what to do.
me: I’m supposed to read your mind.
12:10 AM G______: No, you’re supposed to do what you think is right. I told you that you could use it provided you changed my name. which you’ve done. What else can I say.
12:12 AM me: I think you come across as funny. And sweet.
May 22, 2013
2:19 PM G______: I hate that we had that phone conversation.
2:21 PM me: Yeah?
2:23 PM G______: Yes. It was weeks ago and its all I been thinking about. I feel like an idiot.
2:24 PM me: Why do you feel like an idiot? Please please don’t.
2:26 PM G______: We were having so much fun. Now it feels like something is hanging over it.
2:29 PM me: Don’t feel like an idiot. I’m sorry if I seem sad or angry or whatever. I’m not. not really. Clarity is good in the long run, it would have been all the more painful for us to have different ideas about what we were/are, you know?
2:31 PM me: And I still had fun. I did.
2:33 PM me: Maybe we can chat on phone about it later?
2:36 PM G______
: I’m at work. have a good afternoon.
2:37 PM me: Are you ok? Please don’t feel bad or worry. We will be ok.
44 minutes
3:21 PM me: Let me know when you are off. I think we should chat at some point, I don’t want you to feel bad.
3:27 PM G______: Talk tomorrow. Smooches.
3:29 PM me: Ok.
May 23, 2013
5:22 PM me: How are you?
5:25 PM G______: Good. At work. yourself?
5:26 PM me: Drop me a line when you get off?
5:29 PM G______: Ok.
79 minutes
6:48 PM G______: I’ve calmed down now. Sorry ‘bout that.
6:51 PM me: Ok.
6:54 PM me: No worries.
6:57 PM me: I’m glad you are feeling better. It sounded like you were mad at me.
7:01 PM G______: I was mad at myself.
May 26, 2013
11:12 PM me: Maybe its not distance or politics, or anything else. Maybe its just me.
11:14 PM G______: What do you mean?
11:18 PM me: That thought just occurred to me. Maybe the reason we never became anything else is me, and only me. The distance and the politics, it just makes this somehow easy to dismiss should one or both of us want to. You know like: “ah well it could never have been” kinda thing. But neither distance nor politics is gonna do us in, and it could be argued that neither have really shaped the way this has evolved.
11:19 PM G______: No?
11:21 PM me: No. it’s me. Or maybe, possibly, it’s me. Some deficit in me.
11:22 PM G______: Oh jesus. Are you for real right now?
11:26 PM me: No seriously. It’s the reason. The same reason I’m not now nor ever have been in a serious relationship. It’s not bad luck, or distance or circumstance, but just me. That I am unable to, undeserving of, unfit for…
11:28 PM G______: You think too much.
11:29 PM me: I’m a writer, its my job to think.
11:31 PM G______: Its your job to dream <===== chopra.
11:34 PM me: You said on the phone that perhaps I was “more emotionally invested in all of this” than you.
11:36 PM G______: I shouldn’t have said that.
11:39 PM me: Because its not true, or because it shouldn’t have been said.
11:40 PM G______: I shouldn’t have said it. period.
11:41 PM me: my god, youre driving me crazy!!!! Lol
G______: why?
11:44 PM me: my question exactly: why? You never give me an answer to that question. It’s always who what where when, but never why? I have no idea “why” when it comes to anything you do or say.
