by Marci Bolden
She smiled at Tobias as he mispronounced a phrase with a terrible French accent. “You’re going to get us kicked out of the country,” she warned. “They’re going to take our passports and never let us back after we serve jail time for disturbing the peace.”
Tobias laughed as he set his language guide aside. Resting his arms on the table, he eyed her in the way that he did when he analyzed things. As much as he called her out for overthinking and picking things apart, he could be equally as guilty at times. This was one of them. His mind was rolling something around, over and over, and he was trying to decide if he should voice the thoughts.
“Are you thinking of an escape plan?” she asked.
He shook his head slowly. “I’m thinking about us. About all the things we’ve done and have planned to do.”
“That’s a whole lot of thinking.”
He nodded. “Are you happy, Carol?”
“Yes,” she answered without hesitation. “Are you happy, Tobias?”
Instead of answering, he pulled apart the layers of his question. “I don’t mean right now. I don’t mean in this moment. I mean…in this life. Are you happy with the life we’ve built?”
Setting her cup aside, she put her hand on his and held his gaze. “Yes. I am happy. I am happier than I ever thought I could be again. You did that for me. You healed me.”
He brought her hand to his lips and kissed her knuckles. “There is nothing in this world more important to me than your happiness. I want you to know that.”
Carol tilted her head as she stared into his dark eyes. “Where is this coming from?”
He shrugged as he gazed at her tenderly. “I don’t ever want you to look back on our time together and wish we’d done something differently.”
Pressing her palm to his cheek, she offered him a reassuring smile. “I wouldn’t do anything different, Tobias. I love you, and I love the life we’ve built. There is nothing I would change.”
Sadness shadowed his eyes. “We’ve had some hard times.”
He didn’t have to acknowledge those times more than he had. She knew he meant the children they’d never had. She knew he meant the bouts of depression that nearly consumed her every June when she was faced with Katie’s birthday and the anniversary of her death.
They’d certainly had hard times, but they’d overcome them. Even when June yanked the rug out from under Carol every time summer rolled around, they recovered. They rebounded, stronger than they’d been before. Tobias was usually the driving force for that. If left up to Carol, they likely would have dwelled and ignored and pretended until the shadows overcame them. She’d never had the strength to fight back when life pushed her too hard. Thank God Tobias did.
Leaning closer, pulling his face to hers, she pressed her lips against his and then brushed their noses together. “I love you.”
“I love you,” he said, “and I meant what I said. There is absolutely nothing I want more than to know you’re happy.”
“I’m happy. I’m so happy, it’s not even normal.”
“Well,” he said, sitting back with a sly smirk on his lips, “nothing about you is normal, babe.”
Carol broke off a piece of her sugar puff and tossed the bit at him, chuckling when the pastry bounced off his forehead.
The next morning, Carol sat her mom and aunt down at their little kitchen table with cups of tea. After the talk with Simon, she had to come clean to her family. If she was going to move on the way she insisted she wanted to, she had to suck it up and get her ass moving on.
So, over a cup of chamomile, she told her mom and aunt what she’d told Simon days before. She had been diagnosed with PTSD.
“What does that mean?” Judith asked.
“That means I’ve had a lot of trauma in my life that I’ve never healed from.” That was the simplest way she could explain. “One of the symptoms is how I separate myself from reality so I don’t feel the pain.”
“But this… You’ve always been like that,” Judith said, sounding confused that this was actually a problem. “You always disconnected. Even before we lost Katie.”
Carol looked into her cup. This was going to be the really uncomfortable part of the conversation. “Mom. We’ve talked before about how hard Dad was on me. How his expectations of me were unrealistic and how threatening he could be when I didn’t live up to them. I don’t think you realized how scared I was of him.”
She focused on her mom in time to see Judith sit taller, the way she did when she was about to defend herself against some kind of accusation that might imply she wasn’t perfect.
Carol pressed on in hopes of deflating the situation before the confrontation could start. “I grew up feeling like I was one wrong move away from him coming completely unglued and hurting me. Growing up with him was terrifying. All the time, Mom. Every day.”
Judith’s posture softened as guilt shone in her eyes. “We did this to you?” she asked quietly.
“No,” Carol stated. However, her mom wasn’t exactly wrong. Her father had never raised a hand to Carol, but he’d never had to. His brand of psychological abuse left scars she was only starting to understand. “This is how I learned how to cope with things that were too daunting for me to handle. Stepping back emotionally is a common defense mechanism that everyone has. I happen to use that tactic more often…and more effectively…than most people.” Carol grinned. “You always did say I excelled where others were mediocre.”
“Don’t make jokes,” Aunt Ellen said softly. “Not about this.”
Carol frowned as she looked at her aunt—not because Aunt Ellen had warned her about making light of the situation but because the usual sign of mischief in her eyes was missing. Carol had stolen the happiness from her aunt’s eyes. She hated that. She hated that she’d replaced Aunt Ellen’s constant smile with obvious worry.
“I’m going to be okay,” Carol told her aunt. She tapped into Simon’s reassurances. “Now that we know what’s wrong, we’re going to find a way to fix what’s broken. My doctor knows what she’s dealing with now. We’ll start working out a treatment plan after the New Year.”
“Why after the New Year?” Judith asked. Her voice had taken that sharp turn that lit Carol’s fuse, the judgmental tone that warned a fight was imminent. “Why are you waiting?”
Keeping her voice calm to counteract her mother’s overreaction, Carol said, “Because I wanted to get through the holidays before delving too much deeper into all this.”
“Carol—” Judith started.
“Mom, I want to take some time to process what’s going on and breathe a little first. That’s all.”
“Stay here,” Ellen all but begged. “Please don’t try to sort through all this while you’re on the road, Carol. You’re going to need someone there to support you.”
Carol nodded in agreement. “I’m not going to be alone. I’m heading back to Houston for a while.”
“No,” Judith said. She shook her head as if this were her decision. “You’ll stay here.”
“Mom,” Carol said as evenly as possible. “I’m going back to Houston. I told you, Alyssa is having a hard time.”
Pressing her lips together, Judith clearly tried but failed to keep her thoughts to herself. “If she’s having a hard time, how is she going to help you through yours? You need to be with someone who can take care of you.”
“I can take care of myself.”
“But you don’t,” Judith snapped. “You never have.”
Aunt Ellen lifted her hands in the way she did when she needed to intervene between mother and daughter. “Okay. Listen, Carol, we love you. We worry about you. We would both feel better if you were closer.”
Taking her mom’s hand, Carol sighed. “I understand. I appreciate that you want me here, but I have to start rebuilding my life. Part of that is working with my therapist to sort out whatever this issue is. I have a support system in Houston.”
“Not a very good one,” Judith stated. “Not if it took Jo
hn Bowman to make you realize something was wrong.”
Anytime Judith said Carol’s ex-husband’s name, she spit out the words like poison. Carol thought they’d moved beyond Judith’s resentments where John was concerned. Apparently not.
“Okay,” Carol said with a flat but firm tone. “Mom, this is not going to dissolve into an argument. I shared this with you because I don’t want to hide things from you. I want us to be open and honest with each other. You have to respect that I’m making decisions based on what is best for me. You can support me, or you can keep your thoughts to yourself. Those are your only two options.”
“Carol,” Aunt Ellen said in her mediator tone. “We’re allowed to be worried about you.”
“I’ll be staying with Alyssa. If I need help, she will be there,” Carol assured them. “She was my rock after Tobias’s funeral.”
Ellen frowned, but Judith was the one who stated what they were all thinking. “Need I remind you that you got arrested for taking a tire iron to the street after Tobias’s funeral?”
“No,” Carol said. “I remember. That wasn’t Alyssa’s fault.”
“Well, where was she when you reached your breaking point?” Judith demanded.
“At her house. In bed, most likely. I said she would be there to help me, not lock me in a room.” Carol stared at her mom for a moment. “Even if I stayed here, I wouldn’t stay here,” she said, gesturing around the kitchen. “I would get my own place. I’m not living with you.”
Judith creased her brow. “Why not?”
“I love you, Mom,” Carol stated firmly, “but we cannot live together.”
Judith opened her mouth, but this time, Ellen gripped her hand.
Shaking her head, Aunt Ellen said, “Judy. You and Carol cannot live together. None of us would survive that.”
“We’re doing better,” Judith stated.
“We are,” Carol agreed, “and I’d like to keep things that way. I’ll stay through the end of the week like I planned. Then I’m going back to Texas so I can start whatever plan my therapist sets up.”
After one of her signature dramatic sighs, Judith frowned. “Fine. But if anything happens to you, this Alyssa person will hear from me.”
Carol smirked. “I’ll make sure she knows.”
Thirteen
Several days later, Carol sank down into an Adirondack chair in Alyssa’s backyard, happy to be off the road and happier to have her friend for company rather than her mother. The last few days with her mom had been tense. Carol realized belatedly that she should have saved the PTSD talk until after she’d left. Though she appreciated her mom and aunt worrying, they’d spent the last three days of her visit trying to convince her to stay. Her mom had even suggested they look for an apartment for her.
Being at Alyssa’s was like breathing fresh air after being stuffed in a suitcase for days. Though the backyard faced the wrong direction for Carol to watch the sunset, the orange glow spreading across the sky was amazing. Stretching her legs out, Carol crossed them at the ankles as Alyssa rambled on excitedly.
“You know this isn’t going to be like Laverne & Shirley, right?” Carol asked, referencing the television show they usually ended up watching when they had a girls’ night in. The hijinks on the old show amused them endlessly.
“The hell it isn’t,” Alyssa stated. “I’m single now. We’re getting into some things.”
Carol smiled as she shook her head. She had no doubt Alyssa would try to get them into some things; she had many times in the past. However, Carol’s level head tended to win out. “Did you hear what I said about starting treatment?”
“I did,” Alyssa said, her tone softening to sound more supportive than mischievous. “Sweetie, I know this is something new and scary to you, but I’ve been in and out therapy all my life thanks to my crazy-ass mother. Treatment is a fancy word for medication and counseling sessions. You’re going to be fine, and so am I, now that I’ve decided that I don’t care if Jason divorces me.”
Carol wished she could believe Alyssa’s cheerful outlook. She was dreading whatever hidden disasters they both had waiting to be discovered as they continued working on their new lives. “I hope you’re right.”
“I am. Trust me. Now, listen.”
Carol had heard that protective tone before from her best friend. This was the point when she tried to fix everything, which disappointed Carol. She didn’t want someone swooping in to fix her life.
Alyssa held a wineglass in one hand and pointed at Carol with the other. “I’m going to take some vacation time to help you get settled and get back into a routine.”
“That’s not necessary,” Carol said.
“Don’t say that. I’m offering to help you. Your response is thank you.”
Carol toasted her friend with her glass of rosé. “Thank you.”
“I don’t want you to worry about anything,” Alyssa said with the same soft voice she’d used so often after Tobias had died. “I’m going to take care of you.”
“I don’t want that,” Carol countered. “That’s why I’m staying with you. If I wanted someone hovering over me, I would have stayed with my mother. I need time and space to sort through all this.”
Alyssa blew out a raspberry. “Bullshit. You and I both know if someone isn’t looking after you, you’ll stick your head in the sand.”
Though Carol couldn’t blame everyone for assuming that was what she was going to do, she was getting tired of explaining herself. “The point of all this is so I stop doing that. I know this is odd to hear, but I don’t need you pushing me, because I’m learning how to push myself. This entire thing has come about because I’m trying to work through my problems like a normal person instead of like…”
“Like you?”
Carol scoffed. “Yeah. Instead of like me. I have to learn how to face things on my own.”
“You don’t have to do it on your own, Carol. There is a happy medium.”
“Maybe. But I’ve never been a middle-of-the-road kind of gal.”
Alyssa toasted her. “I’m glad you’re trying, but this transformation to Normal Carol won’t be easy. I’ll be waiting in the wings when you need me.”
Normal Carol? She had to laugh. She had no idea what “normal” was.
“I’m very glad you’re taking steps to get help,” Alyssa continued.
Focusing up at the sky, Carol bit at her lip for a few seconds. “Do you, um, do you remember when I told you about Simon Miller?”
“The doctor you used to shag?”
Carol instantly felt the warmth of a blush. “Yeah. That one.”
“What about him?”
“We’ve been talking,” Carol hesitantly admitted. “A lot. I saw him in St. Louis. We had dinner.”
Alyssa gasped and sat taller. “What? Carol! Why didn’t you tell me sooner?”
“Because it didn’t seem right to tell you when you were dealing with your breakup.”
Alyssa turned her lips into a disgruntled frown. “Divorce. Just say it. I’m dealing with my divorce. So, what’s going on with you and Simon?”
Carol couldn’t help but smile. “He told me he hopes we can try again. But I have no idea what I’m getting into, what’s going to happen. He says he’ll be here, whatever I need, but I don’t want to drag him into this thing.”
“This thing?” Alyssa repeated. “Carol, getting a diagnosis of any kind can be unsettling, but don’t let this overwhelm you. You have bad coping skills. You’re going to learn new ones. You’re going to take a long, hard look at all the shit in your life. The process will be tough. But you’re going to be okay.”
“I’m going to have to relive some really ugly things, and I don’t know what that’s going to do to me. What if… What if this doesn’t get better?”
“Honey,” Alyssa said softly, “you’re never going to recover from the day Katie died. Not completely. What you went through was traumatic. You went through things a mother should never go through. Part of you wi
ll always be reliving that day. Part of you will always be trapped in that bad marriage with John. Part of you will always be walking into that hospital room and seeing Tobias. You’ll never completely heal those wounds, but you do have to learn how to live with them.”
“That’s the plan,” Carol whispered.
“Can I tell you something else? About Simon?”
Carol creased her brow. Alyssa had never met Simon. What could she possibly have to say about him? “I guess.”
“If standing by you while you go through hell is too much for him, then he doesn’t deserve you anyway,” Alyssa said. “You’ll never find another Tobias, but you will find someone who is strong enough and loves you enough to stand by you. No matter what.”
Carol grinned at the protective undertones. “Simon wants to stand by me. I told him he has to wait.”
Sitting forward, Alyssa looked at Carol like she’d lost her mind. “You told him what?”
“He was my savior once. I’m going to save myself this time.”
“That man wants to help you through this, and you told him no?” Shaking her head, Alyssa sat back. “Good thing you found a therapist, Carol, because you are crazy.”
Caroline parked in the driveway of a little white two-story house. Simon’s house. The place where he’d lived before moving to Dayton a year ago. When she’d gone to the hospital to quit her job, he’d pulled her aside and tried to comfort her.
He couldn’t.
Katie was dead. How could he possibly make that better?
He’d done his best, though. He’d offered to do whatever he could to make things easier for her. That was when she told him she was leaving. She had no idea where she was going, but she couldn’t stay with John. She couldn’t stay in that house where Katie had lived her short life. She couldn’t continue living her life as if Katie hadn’t died.
Rather than beg her to stay, Simon understood her need to run away. He sent her to St. Louis. He told her to go straight to his real estate agent’s office and get the keys to his house—the one he was trying to sell. He told her to stay there as long as she needed.
