by Sk Quinn
‘Spend too long with this lot,’ said Alex, ‘And she’ll end up drinking lager out of a can and pregnant by sixteen.’
He looked right at Brandi when he said that. She didn’t notice, of course. She was too busy trying to light her cigarette.
When we left, Brandi teased Laura about how girly she goes when Zach is around.
‘Oooo Zachary Dalton. You are just tooo dishy. Will you take me round the world on your yacht?’
I laughed along. It was SO true.
Then Brandi teased me about Alex.
I told her to shut up. It wasn’t funny at all.
Tuesday January 6th
The trouble with motherhood is you’re expected to:
Be slim, attractive and fashionably dressed, with a brightly coloured designer baby bag covered in little forest animals.
Have a perfect IKEA home with quirky little child-friendly details, like a colourful chalkboard stuck on the fridge and designer robot toys.
Make sure your child is DEVELOPING. Meaning ONLY keeping them alive isn’t good enough.
Be an all-natural, organic earth mother and not use any nasty plastic Tupperware with chemicals in it, only buy organic vegetables, breastfeed, have a drug-free birth etc. BUT at the same time …
Be a super-clean chemical spray freak with hygienic clean surfaces and floors at all times, plus wash your hands ten times a day.
All this AND get out of the house without mysterious white stains all over you.
How do women do it?
Wednesday January 7th
Daisy’s got a cold.
She woke up every two hours last night.
I know I should nap today to catch up on sleep. But napping is SO boring. And I’ve nearly cracked level 50 on Candy Crush Saga.
5pm
Sooooooo tired. Could go to bed right now.
8pm
Bedtime. Just a few more minutes of Candy Crush …
10pm
Really should go to bed now. But Daisy has woken up. Why now? It’s like she knows.
Please Daisy boo, I love you but go back to sleep!
Thursday January 8th
3am
Just fed Daisy. Tired. But can’t sleep.
4am
Still can’t sleep.
5am
Still can’t sleep.
6am
Must have fallen asleep at some point. Daisy has just woken up. If there was a family of wolves nearby I would ask them to feed her for me. But there isn’t, so I’ll have to do it myself.
Friday January 9th
Just realised it’s not long until the wedding.
Really should find a dress. And make the invites, choose the cake etc.
Nick’s mum has been nagging me for so long that I’ve forgotten to think for myself.
Saturday January 10th
January sales shopping with Laura and Brandi today.
Brandi and I argued about Daisy being in the sling, because I was walking (lumbering) so slowly.
Brandi said, ‘Can’t you put her in the pushchair?’
I said Daisy was tired and would cry in the pushchair.
Brandi said, ‘I bet she won’t.’
I said, ‘As if you’d know! I’m her mum!’
Half an hour later, I was sick of carrying Daisy.
I put her in the pushchair and she was happy as anything, smiling and making smacking noises with her lips.
Brandi looked all smug.
If being a mother has taught me anything, it’s that I don’t know much. Not least my own baby.
Had coffee in Barnes and Noble – skinny decaf for me, espresso for Laura and a big frothy whipped strawberry thing for Brandi (bloody twenty-one-year olds – Brandi is skinny as anything and eats exactly what she likes).
Then we looked at books (well, Laura and I did. Brandi browsed magazines, then moaned that book shops were BORING)
I browsed the diet section.
There were so many books to choose from,
Fat Around the Middle (but I’m fat everywhere!)
The 5:2 Diet (can’t starve myself two days a week, I might pass out when I’m carrying Daisy upstairs or something.)
The Atkins Diet (there’s that bad breath rumour …)
Weight Watchers (Fergie did it and she’s still fat.)
The Slow Carb Diet (Ugh, who likes beans?)
Bought the Food Guru book in the end.
Healthy, sensible eating. No fads or false promises. But you could lose ten pounds in a week …
Sunday January 11th
Play park with Althea and baby Wolfgang today.
Wolfgang has just turned one, but he looks much older. He has one menacing front tooth and can snap a bundle of ten coffee stirrers in half.
Althea wore her big Afghan coat, Jackie-O shades and bright red cowboy boots. Her curly gypsy hair was tied with fluorescent ribbons.
I love Althea’s laugh. It could break plates. She sort of goes, ‘Nah, nah, nah!’ and shows all her teeth.
From some angles, Althea looks a tiny bit like a frog. But a pretty one. With a bit of a temper.
Wolfgang was dressed in a little blue mod suit. God knows where Althea found that. It gave him a slightly sinister ‘Brighton Rock’ air – especially when he was pulling kids off the roundabout.
When Wolfgang bit one of the other children, Althea laughed and said, ‘Aw, bless him. He’s having such fun.’
Then she tried to put him in his pushchair, but Wolfgang clung onto the roundabout and neither of us could budge him. Eventually, Althea lured him in with beef jerky.
I tried to moan about my weight, but that never washes with Althea.
She said, ‘You were a measly size twelve. Now you’re a measly size fourteen. I weigh twice as much as you. And I don’t care. So get over it.’
I said Nick had made a comment about my baby weight.
Althea barked, ‘He’s no bloody prize pigeon is he? Has he got himself a decent job yet? Started paying his way? If not, he needs to shut his mouth and be grateful that any girl gives him the time of day. The useless sponger.’
I told Althea about our meal on New Year’s Eve and asked if she thought it was anything to worry about.
She said, ‘That he drank five pints in two hours?’
I said, ‘No. That we had nothing to talk about.’
She said, ‘Who has a conversation with Nick? He’s an actor. He talks. You listen. The big puffed-up peacock.’
I said that he did listen sometimes. I just couldn’t remember when.
Althea said I was too loyal.
I said, ‘Isn’t it good to be loyal?’
She said, ‘That depends doesn’t it? If you’re with a self-centred teenager who won’t move out of mummy’s flat, maybe loyalty isn’t so good after all.’
Monday January 12th
Bought all the stuff for the Food Guru diet.
The Food Guru guy says you can’t put a price on health. But you can. It’s about two hundred quid a week.
Bought stuff like steak, salmon, asparagus and a load of things I’ve never heard of like chia seeds and psyllium husk.
Tuesday January 13th
10am
So far today I have eaten:
2 boiled eggs (no toast or anything – wheat is the work of the devil).
A handful of nuts.
Celery with pumpkin seed butter.
11am
Must be lunchtime by now?! I’m going to eat my own leg if I don’t have lunch soon.
11.30am
Cooked stir-fry without any soy sauce or flavour of any kind.
Ate it.
Nick’s Mum came in just as I was washing up and sniffed the air with distaste.
She said, ‘Smells like some horrible Chinese restaurant in here.’
I told her I was on a diet.
She blinked at me with her manic blue eyes and said, ‘Good for you, darling. In time for the wedding?’
Often, Helen makes me think o
f a raven bobbing its nasty head around the insides of an animal.
When she smiles she looks like Mr Punch.
I asked Helen if she’d on put any weight after Nick was born.
She stroked her bony hips in skinny black jeans, pulled her cashmere cardigan around her bony ribs and said, ‘No, I lost weight actually. The whole experience was so traumatic.’
Then she frowned at a tiny fingerprint on the kitchen cupboard and polished it with a tea towel.
The trouble with living in a posh executive apartment is everything is so shiny. Shiny stuff shows up everything. I fried an egg once. Never again.
Helen asked me what Mum would wear to the wedding.
I said probably something ten years too young for her.
Helen blinked frantically and said, ‘Please persuade her to wear something tasteful. Maybe with a shawl? For the pictures …’
I suppose Helen can dream.
The idea of anyone persuading Mum to wear something that isn’t skin-tight is hilarious.
Friday January 16th
Daisy would NOT nap today. She always gets stressed when Helen is round.
I spent twenty minutes rocking and shaking her, swaying back and forth, humming ‘Like a Virgin’ and making sea noises in her ear.
Helen kept popping her head into the bedroom, asking if I ‘had everything under control’. So I kept having to start all the shushing and rocking all over again.
When Daisy finally fell asleep, Helen nagged me about the wedding.
She said, ‘I’m still not certain about having it at the village church. I mean … are you sure you wouldn’t prefer it in London? The pictures will look so much better.’
When Helen finally left, I was exhausted and starving.
There was no chocolate in the fridge, so I raided the baking cupboard.
Ate glace cherries, hundreds and thousands and trifle fingers. And half a pot of cake frosting.
Dieting isn’t easy when you have a baby.
Sunday January 18th
Nick’s birthday today.
It’s so near to Christmas that most people forget. So I always try to make it extra special.
Bought him an Abercrombie and Fitch shirt, Jean Paul Gaultier aftershave, plus a coffee table book called London’s Coolest Bars (pretended that last one was from Daisy ;)).
Helen turned up with a whole wardrobe of birthday clothes – designer suits, wool coat, shoes, scarves etc.
I’ve made Nick’s favourite tea: Lamb shank, chunky chips with caramelised onion and rocket and parmesan salad.
But he’s still out, so I’ve put it in the fridge for breakfast.
I suppose it’s his birthday – if he wants to stay out that’s up to him.
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A note from SK Quinn …
Welcome to the Devoted family!
There are hundreds of thousands of us now, and I love each and every one you. I never in my wildest dreams expected to ever reach this many readers, but I am SO honoured that you bought this book.
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