“I can’t just leave time frozen,” Tanya said. “That wouldn’t be much of a solution.”
“No, it wouldn’t,” Dad agreed. “But if you slow it down enough, that will give us time to crunch the numbers and do the math.” He looked over at me. “Then we will send Lia up to stop that comet.”
“Wait, I thought I couldn’t just smash it?” I said.
“You can’t, but you can deflect it,” Jason said.
Tanya looked up into the air. She took a deep breath. She inhaled and held it. She pointed in the general direction of where she thought the comet was.
“Well?” she asked.
The counter moved backward to 2:53:59.
The room exploded with applause. “Not a lot of time, but every bit helps,” Dad said.
“Okay, team, crunch numbers, and let's come up with the angle and force Lia will need to hit that thing so she can deflect it,” Dad said.
“I got it,” Hana said.
“Okay, great!” Dad said.
An image of the comet appeared on the screen.
A red arrow suddenly appeared showing the path of the comet.
Hana spoke, “If the comet continues on its current path unabated, it will make a sharp turn and crash into Earth here.”
The map zoomed in on Starlight city.
Hana continued, “At the comet’s current speed, it will destroy Starlight city and a good portion of the surrounding area. Plus, it will create a nasty dust cloud that could affect weather all over the planet.”
“Okay, so how do I stop it?” I asked.
Hana rolled her eyes, literally, which was weird. “As stated, you cannot stop it, you must deflect it by 33 or more degrees. That will cause it to zoom past Earth.”
The screen showed an image of me flying towards the comet. I approached at a slight angle. I exhaled on the meteor. My breath forced the big giant frost covered rock off course.
The projected path of the comet now showed it missing Earth with a big green arrow. The screen flashed. “Good job! Game not over for Starlight City!”
“Okay, easy!” I said.
“Actually, it won’t be at all,” Hana said. “You’ll have to hold your breath and then let it out at exactly the right moment. The force of your breath will cause you to turn course and then propel yourself in the opposite direction, to get back to Earth.”
“If I need to pick up speed in space how do I do it?” I asked.
“You fart!” Jason said.
“That will do it!” Dad said.
“Is that it?” I asked.
“Yes, just remember, your reentry into Earth will cause quite a hole, but still far less damage than being hit by a 5-mile wide comet…” Hana said.
Dear Diary: Okay, so we had a plan. It involved me holding my breath, leaping into space, farting, blowing a giant space rock off course, turning around, and then crashing back to Earth. Maybe not the best plan in the world but it was a plan that could work. A plan that had to work. Of course, it would involve me needing to know what a 30-degree angle was. Which I did! Who would have ever thought that math could help save the world!
Outer Space
We all headed quickly outside. Dad and his team gave me an earpiece to wear so I could hear their instructions even when I was in space. Of course, I wouldn’t be able to talk back to them since I was going to be in space. Once up there, I was on my own; me against a huge frozen rock. I knew that rock didn’t stand a chance!
“While we won’t be able to directly communicate back with you, MAC will be able to relay back to us information about you. Plus, you can use his GPS to help close in on the K-9 comet,” Hana told me.
Jason walked up and hugged me. “Good luck!” he said.
I smiled at him.
I took a deep breath. I bent down and then pushed myself up into the air.
I felt exhilarated, flying through the sky going higher and higher.
“Okay, Lia,” I heard Dad from my earphone, “you’re about to escape the earth’s atmosphere, so hold your breath on three, two, one, now.”
I drew a deep strong breath, letting my lungs fill with air. Suddenly, the blue sky disappeared and I found myself in the deep blackness of space. I felt myself gaining speed as I escaped the last pull of Earth’s gravity. I was now a missile.
“Great, honey!” Dad called into my ear. I heard Hana say something to him. “Okay, Lia, you need to speed up your approach. Time to release a fart!”
That was, of course, easier said than done. I actually didn’t really need to fart but from what I had learned by watching almost every boy at school, it was usually pretty easy to force out a fart if needed.
I squeezed my butt cheeks together and then pushed out with my butt. I felt ridiculous. But I also felt a little blast of something come from my behind. I propelled forward fast. Never before had I been so proud of a fart!
I felt a cool rush as I sped nearer to the huge flying frozen space rock. Zooming in closer and closer, I could see the comet without using super vision. The comet had more of a blue color in it than I imagined. I actually found it to be a pretty mix of cold blue with a fiery white ice tail. I found it to be quite striking, but of course, I knew I couldn’t let it strike my home city.
I heard Dad in my ear. “Honey, you’re coming in at a thirty-six-degree angle. You need to come in a bit lower.”
Oh, just lovely. I certainly couldn’t let this big rock hit my planet because of a math error. My head started to pound. I needed a way to correct my course and fast. I couldn’t hold my breath much longer.
Pointing my arms downward, I let out a little fart. My body changed direction. I let myself drift for a minute.
“Okay, change course now!” Jason said in my ear.
I raised my arms back up and let out a slightly more powerful fart. I shot forward towards the big comet. I wanted to let out a sigh of relief but I couldn’t spare the air.
I lined the comet up. I now sped directly at it. I also had silence from the ground. I couldn’t feel the earphone in my ear any longer. My fast turn must have caused it to fall.
Oh well, luckily I was good at math and thought I was coming into the comet at pretty near a 30-degree angle. Yeah, I understand I’m using the word “pretty” a lot. This wasn’t going according to my exact science. So I needed to use overwhelming force to make sure I blew this big burning ball away from Earth.
I drew closer and closer and closer. Soon, I saw all the nicks and holes on the comet. It looked like it had a bad, bad case of acne. I glanced at MAC but all his screen said was: U CAN DO IT!!! Great, my high-tech computer had become an inspirational greeting card.
Even though I was still holding my breath, I tightened my chest. When the big comet dominated my vision, I exhaled, pushing the air out with all my might. If I hadn’t been in space I would have screamed!
My breath hit the comet pushing it back, way back! Wow, I had changed the comet’s course. Now, of course, I was out of air and had to change my course back to Earth. With no gravity to stop me, I would drift forever if I couldn’t turn around.
I lowered my hands thrusting them down. My body turned around, but I kept seeing Earth grow smaller and smaller. Not good. Please let me get a fart to rip, I thought. I pushed my butt cheeks with all my might. I thought I felt a fart rush. I jolted forward. Earth now came closer and closer.
I had done it. I fell towards the Earth.
Of course, I had to be way off-target. I blacked out, ecstatic I had saved the planet.
Dear Diary: Well, wow! I did it! It took all I had. It took the work of my entire team, but I did it. I stopped a huge comet from crashing into Earth. My team and I did it. Super Breath saved the Earth and a fart or two saved me. Yeah, life is weird sometimes. Life does take funny turns and ups and downs. I now know I just have to ride them out. Not much I can’t do if I work at it. Sure, Jason is with Tanya now. I’m not totally sure what I think of that. But they are both great people and they deserve each other. Jason
is my BFF. Will we be more someday? I have no idea. What I do know is that he’ll always be there for me and I’ll always be there for him. That’s what being BFF’s mean. You are there for each other no matter what. Yeah, I know it sounds silly but there may not be a greater power than love and friendship. Though my farts and foot odor do pack quite the punch!
Feels Good To Be Me
I came to. I found myself lying face first in a giant crater of what felt like chocolate pudding. I stood up. I had to be at least 30 feet deep in a big chocolate pudding crater. Looking up, I saw a bunch of town people, Oscar Oranga, and his camera crew. Dad and his team of scientists were there. Of course, my team of Tanya, Marie, Lori, Jason, and Jess were there. I leaped out of the hole, shaking off the chocolate pudding.
I heard Oscar say, “That’s right, good people of Starlight City, our very own superhero, Super Teen, saved the day by blowing the K-9 comet out of Earth’s path. Then she came crashing back down to Earth, here at Starlight City Lake Park. How this part of the park was transformed into pudding, we may never know. The good news is, we and Super Teen are safe!”
The crowd roared with approval. Oscar ran up to me and put his microphone in my face. “Super Teen, how did you do this?”
I pointed to my dad. “The good scientists at BMS Labs gave me the proper coordinates and a game plan. I just jumped into space and blew,” I said as if I was talking about taking a stroll down the street.
“How did you propel yourself back to Earth?” Oscar asked.
“I turned my head and burped!” Sure it was a little white lie, but I figured I’d rather be known as the girl who burped her way back to earth than the one who farted.
I walked over to my friends. They all raced up and hugged me. “How?” I asked. “How did I end up crashing into an area of pudding in the park?”
Jess leaned into me and whispered. “I used a bit of magic to change your course. It seemed to be the least I could do.”
Marie leaned into me and whispered. “And once Jason and your dad’s team gave me your new landing spot, I did my thing and turned things into pudding.”
“Thanks!” I said to everybody.
I heard the sounds of emergency vehicles coming towards us. A police car drove right up next to us. Police Chief Michaels got out of the driver’s side. Of course, Kalie Hanson got out as well. Kalie walked up to me.
“Super Teen, I appreciate all you have done for the city. I truly do!” she told me.
“Thanks,” I told her. “Now, I hope you see that I can do good.”
Kalie nodded. “Yes, but even doing this good, you caused a lot of damage to the city. Plus, this still doesn’t mean you are allowed to fight crime. But being the good citizen that I am, I am prepared to let you off with a warning and to drop my charges if you swear never to fight crime again.”
I shook my head. “Nope. Sorry. Not going to happen. I mean, I’ll try to let the police and other officials handle most things, but there are some things that just call for Super Teen. When those matters call, I will answer!”
Most of the crowd cheered. A few jeered.
Jason ran up to us. “Besides, we have an online poll with over 20 thousand signatures from people who want Super Teen to be deputized.”
Kalie shook her head. “Sorry, we don’t govern by online polls.” She turned to Police Chief Michaels, “Chief, please arrest Super Teen.” She looked at me. “I am truly sorry about this.”
Police Chief Michaels stood there, arms crossed for a moment. He walked up to me. He put his hand on my shoulder. “Super Teen, as police chief of this city, I now officially deputize you! You have proven you are ready to fight crime.”
“What?” I said.
“What?” Kalie said.
The chief turned to Kalie. “My officers and I consider her to be a valuable asset.”
Kalie pulled out her warrant. She shook her head. “Well, I’m a lawyer who likes to listen to the people on the street. I can’t believe I am saying this, but Super Teen, if the police want you then I will drop my charges.” She tore the warrant in half.
Pretty much all the crowd started to roar.
My mom came rushing up to me. “Super Teen, I’m a doctor, can I check you over to make sure you are okay?”
“Sure, be my guest, Ma’am,” I said. “But it takes more than a fall from space into a pile of pudding to stop me!”
The crowd roared again. It felt good to be me.
The Biggest Surprise of All
The next morning, I sat on my porch talking to Jason about the events of the day before. We both felt great about saving Starlight City (and more). Just as I was starting to forget that Jason and Tanya were a thing now, I saw Tanya walking towards us. Tanya wasn’t alone. Walking beside her was another girl who looked like a slightly different version of Tanya.
Actually, something about the girl reminded me of Kayla, except Kayla was only eight. This girl was much older.
“Hey, guys,” Tanya said. “You know how Kayla had too much power for an eight-year-old to control?”
“Yep,” I said.
“Yes,” Jason said.
Tanya smiled. “Well, I found a solution. Meet the new 16-year-old Kayla.”
Kayla held out a hand to me. “This is certainly going to be interesting from now on!” Kayla said.
Man, was that the understatement of the century, or what?
The end for now.
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John Zakour is a humor / SF/ fantasy writer with a Master's degree in Human Behavior. He has written thousands of gags for syndicated comics, comedians and TV shows (including Simpsons and Rugrats and, Joan River's old TV show.) John has written seven humorous SF novels for Daw books (the first The Plutonium Blonde was named the funniest SF book of 2001 by The Chronicle of Science Fiction). John has also written three YA books, four humorous self-help books and three books on HTML. John has also optioned two TV shows and three movies. His books may be found here: http://www.amazon.com/John-Zakour/e/B000APS2F0
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