My eyes water. “I miss you both and I miss being here. How about I come back next week? I’ll leave work early on Friday, but I’ll have to leave early on Sunday?”
My mother’s eyes light up. “That’s great!”
“That’s better,” My father corrects. He leans in to kiss my cheek. “We’ll call you when we leave the restaurant.”
“We love you,” Mom says as my father pushes her toward the door.
“Love you, Mom and Dad,” I call out with a few silly kisses blown their way.
Mom grabs at those kisses as Dad waves from our black four-door sedan.
“See you soon, Tiger Lily,” they call out as they drive away.
My heart ached at the replay of that last night together. The house was imprinted, haunted with the life we shared and the person I had been back then. Both were gone, never to return.
I re-built. I broke again.
Would I ever be able to have my own love and family again? I started to head away when my phone rang, breaking apart my grief. Reaching inside my pocket, I looked down at the screen.
Unrecognized number. The criminal lawyer again? I groaned. Though I was conflicted, I had to admire her persistence. I wish I had that kind of strength to stand up and fight against those that couldn’t help themselves. People like me.
I wasn’t sure what I was going to do, but I figured now was as good a time as any to deal with this. I sighed and pressed the button.
“Yes?”
“Lily. It’s Jonas.”
My breath caught and my pulse sped up. “Oh…Hello,” I said, cursing myself for the lift in my tone.
“You love me,” Jonas said, addressing the issue head on, though it had taken him three days to call.
“Yes. I do.” I cleared my throat. A flutter went through my chest. “I believe I do love you, Jonas.”
“I wish I was at ‘I love you,’ or wherever you need me to be, but I’m not. We haven’t spent enough time together. I’m just divorced….”
I swallowed against the pain clawing my throat. “You told me as much in the car. I only told you because I wanted you to know how I feel about you.”
“I just think we haven’t spent enough time together,” he said.
The sound of cars driving by filled my ears and I raised my voice to speak over it. “I know.”
I didn’t know what else to say to him.
“You on your way back?” he asked.
“No. I will be in a few hours, once I get to the station and get a ticket back.” I sucked in air. “I’m…I’m actually outside my old home in Quincy,” I said, and my voice wavered.
“You shouldn’t be there alone,” Jonas said in a soothing tone. “If I knew you wanted to go there, I would have gone with you.”
“It wasn’t exactly planned. I was jogging and I just…I wanted to see the house again. It just felt odd to be here and not do something to mark their memory…Anyway, thank you,” I said, pressing my feet in a snow bank.
“I’m about to leave for London. I decided to leave from New York instead of Texas. I sent someone else to oversee things in Texas in my place,” he said, and from his tone I gathered this was a big deal for him to do. “I decided to go early, so I could get back to New York City myself as soon as possible.”
“Oh. That’s good news. I bet Dani and Paul will be happy to hear that,” I said in a polite tone.
“There is something else,” he said. “I…I can’t stop thinking about you. I missed you the minute I left Mary’s. I missed you. I wanted you to know I do care about you. I feel for you. I just don’t know what those feelings are.”
A warmth went through me at his words, but what did they mean?
“Say you’ll see me when I return to New York as friends,” he said. “Give us a chance to spend more time together outside of a companionship.”
I licked my lips. “We’d see each other as friends?”
“Yes. I don’t want to hurt you. I want to get to know you outside of an agreement. I set things in my life in a way I can handle them. If you’re my companion, I’d expect sex and friendship. If you want to explore…feelings, I don’t want to complicate it more than friendship. Dani and I were friends before we dated and married.”
I felt like the ground had fallen out from under me. He was going to consider me like he did with Dani. I wasn’t sure my heart could handle him letting me go again, but he seemed willing to try for me. A ray of hope sparked inside me.
“So, we would see each other as friends. Would we be seeing anyone else?” I asked.
I left off sexually, as I feared the answer.
Jonas didn’t say anything, and the message hung in the air. He would get another companion, but be friends with me. Getting to know me, didn’t mean exclusivity. It wouldn’t be a relationship. It would be a new level of friendship. But was I willing to watch him with someone else and not me? Was I expecting too much? Everything spun around in my head.
“I’ll be open and honest with you, and I’ll expect the same back. If I were to take on a new companion…we’ll discuss it,” Jonas offered.
“Yes. I miss you and want to try your friendship. But honestly I don’t think I could handle seeing you with someone else, Jonas,” I confessed.
“We’ll talk about it when I return,” he said in a gentle tone. “I want to see you in a way that we both could handle. So?”
“Okay,” I said. “Yes. I’d like that.”
“Good.” He exhaled into the phone. “I’m glad.”
“Me, too,” I replied.
I felt like a weight had lifted off me.
“There is something else I want you to agree to,” he said.
“What’s that?” I asked, toeing the snow in the bank before me.
“I want to know what you’re not telling me. So when I come back, my expectation is that you tell me. Whatever it is, Dani and Ian aren’t saying…This hurts Dani. She feels ill keeping things inside. I want to know what’s going on and if I can help you.”
I rubbed the center of my chest. I knew the feeling. I didn’t want to hurt Dani. But after Mary’s reaction, I also didn’t want to tell him. I wanted to be seen as strong, like Dani, and able to handle and solve things without his pity or interference.
“I’m afraid to tell you,” I finally said, my voice almost a whisper.
“That’s a start. And it pleases me you admitted to that,” he said. “We’ll work on the rest.”
I bit my lip. “Why me?”
“Why do I want to try with you?” Before I could respond, he said, “You’re beautiful, smart, sweet, and gentle. You also have a little fire in you I can’t resist. I can’t stop thinking about the way you stood up for me against Vincent. You listen and have a giving heart—you took on the youth art program despite your limited resources. You’re easy to talk with…must I go on?”
“Oh please,” I grinned.
He paused and his voice softened. “There is something there between us. I don’t know what it is yet, but I want to try to find out.”
I would have given anything to wrap my arms around him. But I doubted this friendship idea of his would work when we were together, and I told him so.
Jonas made a low sound that caused a tremor to run through my body. “I doubt it, too, but we can try. But there is one more thing I want to make clear. Ian is off limits.”
I parted my lips. “We negotiating?” I teased.
“Not up for negotiation,” he said, in his what I’d come to know as his “I mean business” tone.
“Not even coffee?” I couldn’t help but tease him again.
“Lily. I’m serious,” Jonas said, annoyance in his voice.
“You have nothing to worry about outside of friendship,” I assured.
“I’m not worried about you, but I know Ian, and he’s interested. I don’t want you to see him outside of when you’re with me,” he said.
I grinned. He was going all possessive, and it thr
illed me. I liked the idea of him wanting me all for himself as I felt the same way about him.
“Okay. I won’t do anything with Ian without you.” The sound of a car speeding past had me speaking louder into the phone as I paced a path on the sidewalk. “I wish I could see you now.”
I squeezed my eyes shut. The words escaped my thoughts and I couldn’t take them back.
“I wish I could come back right now,” Jonas replied.
I let go of the breath I was holding.
“Even if I’m not physically there, I’m here for you. Call me anytime. Regardless of the hour. I’ll make time for you,” he promised.
I swallowed against the lump in my throat. “Thanks. You can call me, too.”
“Good. See you soon, Tiger Lily,” Jonas said.
I smiled as I took one last look at my home and headed back up Franklin Street.
“See you soon, Jonas.”
CHAPTER 12
By the time I reached Mary’s apartment, there was a text waiting for me from David.
You have an open ticket from Boston to Newark waiting for you at the airport. I’ll pick you up in arrivals. Mr. Crane said it’s bought and can’t be refunded.
I shook my head, though I was smiling. Jonas was back and he was already taking over. The fact that he had reached out, and was willing to consider the possibility of us, clouded any of my annoyance at his overseeing my transport back to New York. Strangely, I found it comforting. Perhaps I was giddy over the possibility.
Jonas’s offer of friendship was a step forward. He was seeing me as more than a sexual partner. He missed me and couldn’t stop thinking about me. He had feelings for me. My mind skipped over the part I wasn’t ready to handle—Jonas would choose a new companion to fulfill his sexual needs to avoid mudding the waters with me. Instead of dwelling on the negative, I floated in the possibility.
I skipped up the steps and put the key in the lock. As I swung open the door, my feet bumped into a bag and I almost tripped. On further examination, I realized it was my bag.
“Mary?” I called out.
Mary came into the living room like a whirlwind, her coat swinging around her body, my coat in her hand.
“You took an extra-long run today,” she said as she handed me the coat. “I have class tonight. Did you forget? I can only drive you to the train station if we leave right now.” She paused long enough to say, “Unless you want to stay an extra day? You’re, of course, welcome.”
I smirked. Mary had warned me about her schedule and I had promised to not take too long for the run last night, but I still teased her. “Doesn’t look like it.”
“I’m sorry.” She bit her bottom lip. “We planned it last night and I’m sorry to do this to you. I didn’t want to pack you, but I didn’t want you lugging everything on the bus or wasting money on a taxi. If you want to stay, you can. I want you to stay.”
She reached for my bag and started rolling it back toward her bedroom.
“Stop, Mary,” I said and laughed. “I was only joking. I just hoped for a shower and to pack up, or for us to have a coffee together or something, but that’s fine. I took longer than normal, so it’s my fault.”
I picked up my handbag and took the handle of my trolley from her to roll it back toward the door.
“I already feel guilty packing you and you’re teasing me,” Mary said, but relief crossed her face. “I’m still sorry, but thanks for understanding.”
We shuffled out of the house. I handed her the key, then remembered it was my spare, and put it back on my key ring.
“You know, I don’t have a key to your bachelorette pad,” Mary said.
She opened her trunk and loaded her large, overfilled backpack and my trolley bag. I could have sworn I gave her my set of spare keys.
“Come visit me in New York sometime and I’ll be sure to get you another one,” I countered. “Because I’m assuming you must have lost the one I gave you last year?”
“I don’t have your keys,” Mary said simply, then added, “So we’re off to South station?”
“Actually, I’m going to the airport.”
She shot me a quizzical look. We both knew plane tickets were twice as much as taking the train.
“I was late getting back because I was talking to Jonas,” I explained. “He sent me a ticket. And he…wants to talk when he returns. As friends.”
She beamed at me. “Good. He came to his senses, just took him a few days.” She climbed inside the car and I followed suit, buckling myself in my seat. “Friendship, eh? Make him stick to it.”
I looked out the window. “And just how am I supposed to make that happen?” It was more a rhetorical question, so I continued, “He said he wanted to talk. So that’s a start, I guess.”
“You’re going to tell him about Declan, right?” Mary asked as she started the car.
“I’ll handle it,” I assured her.
She blew out a puff of air. “Talk it out. If you don’t trust him, then you shouldn’t be with him. You deserve the best, Lily.”
I closed my eyes. She meant well and I appreciated it, but she was also back to lecturing. “I didn’t even get a shower,” I whined, signaling a change in the subject.
Luckily, Mary bit. “The other runs were a half hour. You were gone almost two hours this time.” She shrugged as she drove down the road. “So, where did you go?”
“I went to Quincy,” I said. “Back to the old house. I just…I wanted to see it again.”
“Oh. I’m sorry, Lily,” Mary said.
Sadness enveloped the car as she drove on. It only got worse when we reached the highway, not far from where my parents had died.
I sought a distraction and texted David back, letting him know I was in compliance and on my way to the airport. Then I reached out and turned on the radio. I pressed Mary’s CD player, and Heart filled the car. She sped past the spot of my parents’ death and started singing. We took turns belting lyrics the rest of the drive to the airport.
Mary pulled up to the five-minute stopping point and we quickly unloaded. We looked at each other, and I laughed at the mismatched outfit she had on. She wore a flannel, long gypsy skirt, and a pair of cowboy boots along with a side ponytail circa the 1980s. I giggled, and told her exactly why.
“At least I showered,” Mary said, jutting her chin.
“Love you, Mare bear,” I said with a smile.
She gave me a lethal look. I knew she didn’t like her family nickname, but we both enjoyed teasing each other.
“Love you, too, Tiger Lily,” she finally replied. “Call me when you get back.”
I took her hug and waved her off as she drove to Boston College. I already missed her as I went into the terminal and up to the ticket counter. I typed in the e-ticket confirmation number David had texted me.
My flight was due to leave two hours later, but boarded a good forty minutes early. I used the time to check my work email and send some responses to Gregor. I sat down in my seat on the plane and felt relieved. I missed New York City and my life there. I wanted my apartment, my shower, and my bed.
When we arrived in Newark, I rushed through security as quickly as I could and was jovial when I saw David there waiting for me. I was even poised when I climbed inside the car and sent a dutiful text to Jonas, letting him know I had arrived. I was practically beaming with the possibilities. Ten days and he’d be back here with me.
The sun was hot on my back as I climbed out of the car twenty minutes later at my apartment. I convinced David to hand over my bag once I was inside my building. As soon as I got off the elevator, I dug through my bag for my keys, only to find the door already open. I was even more surprised when I found my roommate, Natasha, there on a work afternoon. She was standing in a T-shirt cooking breakfast. The aroma of bacon and eggs had my mouth watering, but nothing about this meal was on my diet plan. Or Natasha’s.
“You’re off work today,” I said, stating the obvious. “I didn’t know you cooked.”
“I cook,” she snipped. “The office didn’t have heat so we were sent home early. Where have you been the last few days?” She raised her brow. “With Ian?”
A small smile appeared on my face. She remembered his name from the gala night.
“I was in Boston. I thought I sent you a text?”
“You didn’t,” she said and shrugged.
I frowned. I should have at least let her know. Self-absorbed, I thought, denigrating myself. “Sorry.”
I rolled my cart down the hall and paused when I opened my door. My lamp was on and my duvet was flipped back again. I could have forgotten once, but twice? I dumped my stuff and headed back to the kitchen.
“My light was on in my room and the duvet was up on the side. I thought I put it back down before I left the other day. Did you borrow something?” I asked.
Natasha frowned. “Why would I go in your room? The only thing worth borrowing is your trolley bag and you took that with you.” She paused, seeming to think for a moment. “I didn’t notice the light on when I ran this morning. Maybe it’s broken.”
I chewed my lip. “Maybe…Okay. If you see it on would you mind turning it…?”
A sickening thought hit me. I stopped mid-nag and headed back toward my room.
“What’s going on?” Natasha called after me.
I didn’t answer. Instead, I continued back toward my bedroom. My mind started to race and my pulse sped up. I didn’t know if I was overreacting or underreacting, but I couldn’t settle the paranoia rising in me.
I combed through my room, checking to see if anything else was out of place. It wasn’t perfect, as I had rushed to pack, but this disorder wasn’t all from me.
It didn’t take long for me to find that the papers in my container were open and some of my photos were out of the album. I pulled it off the shelf and grabbed my chest. The bookshelf displayed an empty space where the copy of Peter Pan my father had given me should have been. Tears started pouring down my cheeks, as I threw every book on the floor. I upended the container with my papers and photo albums in search of the book, not willing to accept it was out of my possession.
I had shown it to Jonas recently, but had quickly returned it to the bookshelf. That was exactly where it should have been now.
Tiger Lily: Part Two Page 10
