Dex gave him a bone crushing hug, then shoved him backwards, “Don't do that shit again, do you fucking hear me?” Stumbling backward, Jack ran into the wall, gladly leaning on it, something firm and steady in his wavering world. Dex glared at him for another few seconds, then his eyes got glassy, the tears pooling but never falling, “Please don't do that again.”
Taking in a few more deep breaths and nearly singing praise after each one, he gasped out, “It's not like I … do it on purpose.”
After Dex pulled out a kitchen chair and dropped into it, “What the hell happened? And if you tell me you don't know, then you're an asshole, plain and simple.”
Jack moved slowly to one of the other kitchen chairs, settling in before dropping his head to the table, enjoying the cold feeling of the wood against his cheek and the faint, sweet smell of 15 years of spilled syrup, “I looked them up and I think I'm having panic attacks … but I've never had one this bad before.” Knowing there was no turning back now, he took a few more deep breaths to try to slow his still racing heart, “I'm more fucked up than you can imagine.”
First, Dex blew his nose on a napkin, then handed another to Jack, “You're getting snot all over the table, dude.” Once Jack had cleaned up a little, head remaining down however, “And you are not more fucked up than I can imagine. You have no idea the capacity for my imagination, so it's best to just not go there at all.” Crossing his arms on the tabletop, he rested his chin, now nearly eye level with Jack, “But something's wrong, man, really wrong and if you don't tell somebody, I'm gonna have to and I hate ratting on people. I mean, seriously hate it.”
“You'd rat me out?”
“Damn rightly hell yeah. Especially since both you and Emily seem bent on giving me a heart attack or a stroke or something, scaring the shit out of me every chance you get.” Narrowing his eyes at his friend, who paid attention carefully, “I function better as the crazy sidekick, but in rare and necessary cases, I will play my part as the psycho-shrink of our messed up little gang so,” tilting his head to one side, “unless you think you'll do that again,” waving absently behind him into the kitchen, “talk.”
And he did, half his brain keeping him breathing and the other half dumping mental baggage on his best friend.
▪▪▪
Tracking Jack's progress from front door to kitchen sink to bathroom and, finally, quietly up the stairs, she was about to get up when she saw his shadow fill her doorway. Not saying a word, he came next to the bed, then, lifting the covers some, slid in beside her. “I apologized to Tim a minute ago and now it's your turn.” Wrapping his arm around her waist, he whispered, “I’m sorry."
“It's okay. Where did you go?”
“I ended up at Dex's so you weren't really lying after all. He told me to stop being a dumbass and get some help because otherwise you were gonna wake up and realize I was, and I quote, 'not worthy of all the Emily awesomeness and Dexter sidekickness'.” Running one of his stocking feet up against her bare one, “And no, it's not okay. I should have stayed and apologized to both of you. Instead I leave you on the floor and run away like some stupid kid.” His face scrunched up tight, “Why don't you hate me yet?”
“I don't think I could ever hate you.” As she ran her fingers over his cheeks and nose, his face lost some of its pinched look and he opened his eyes again, “I don't think I'd even know how to begin to hate you.” With a deep breath, “But I do need you to talk to someone. Please?”
As he nodded, her lips met his, her hand sliding under his shirt and up his chest. His hand did the same and, soon, her tank top was on the floor and Jack was nudging the door shut with his toe. Kissing turned to groping, which turned quickly to frantic clothing removal. It was right before they were completely naked, however, that Jack suddenly stopped, “You hear something?”
Emily froze and whispered, “No.”
Listening hard, both heard Sam call out for his mother. With a mumbled, “Shit,” Jack was off her quick as lightning and redressed in seconds. Pulling the door open, he sprinted down the hall and back into his room just as his parent’s bedroom door opened.
Emily immediately laid down and pulled the covers up tight, waiting until the hallway was clear to try to reassemble her clothes under the covers. Once she was dressed, she went down the hallway and looked in. Will was just tucking Sam back in and Jack, sitting on his bed, looked incredibly guilty.
Will, once he’d kissed Sam goodnight, motioned for Jack to follow him. Passing Emily, he made the same gesture and they both trailed after him back to Emily’s room.
Once there, Will turned to them both, “Sam said he had a nightmare and when he woke up you weren’t there. He thought whatever he’d dreamt about had gotten you.” Giving his son a critical look, “It’s almost one. Why are you still dressed? Where were you?”
With the barest of glances at Emily, “I needed to talk, so I came in here to see if Em was awake.”
Studying them both intently, Will took a deep breath, “What was so important that you needed to talk to her this late?”
“Can we do this in the morning, Dad? Please?”
“Jack.”
The anger suddenly bubbled up from nowhere, “I’ll talk to you tomorrow, okay? Can’t I just hang out with my girlfriend once in awhile? It’s not like we’re ever alone in this place.”
Will, who wasn't as shocked by his son's outburst as he should have been, stood speechless for a moment before, “Tomorrow. You talk to me tomorrow, but you apologize right now.”
“Why?”
“Because I’m this close to grabbing you by the ear and carting you downstairs for a nice long talk that won’t go anywhere near as smooth and quiet as this one.”
Emily put her hand on Jack’s arm and her touch calmed him immediately. Shutting his eyes, “I’m sorry. I just … I really do need to talk to you … just not now. Please?”
Having a sudden and vivid flashback to the conversation in the bathroom a few months earlier, “Okay. Just get to bed now and I’ll find you in the morning.”
Will stood waiting for Jack to leave the room ahead of him, but instead of walking towards the door, he turned towards Emily, putting his hands on the sides of her head and kissing her lightly, “I love you. Things’ll be better tomorrow.”
Nodding as she moved her hands to his face, she traced his eyebrows slowly, “I love you, too.”
With that, Jack turned and brushed past his dad, heading quietly down the hall, back into his room.
Chapter 27
Emily was up and dressed with the sun. She finished the last of her weekend homework and had already put the final touches on her project for art class. Her growling stomach sent her downstairs and the makeshift breakfast she made only fueled her restlessness.
She could hear Tim moving in his room and, not in the mood for people, she went outside quietly and found Jack sitting on the back patio, “Hey. What’re you doing out here?”
“I’ve been out here since the sun came up. Didn’t sleep much last night.”
Sitting next to him, she wrapped her arms around her pulled up knees, “Do you know what you’re gonna say to your dad?”
Shaking his head, “Not a clue. How do you tell your dad that you’re failing out of school, you’ve been lying for months and oh, by the way, even though you didn’t mean it, you feel this tremendously horrible weight of having killed someone?”
“Just like that.” Leaning towards him, she bumped his shoulder, “Everything’s gonna be fine, remember?”
Turning his head, he kissed her ear and whispered, “Will you stay with me?”
“Of course.”
With that, they sat in quiet until a voice drifted over from the open doorwall, “Jack?”
Without looking in his direction, “Yeah, Dad?”
“Ready to talk?”
Nodding, he finally met his dad's gaze, “Is out here okay?”
Elizabeth was there with him, “Let me just warn the kids to keep the door s
hut.”
Will came out, but kept silent, waiting for Elizabeth before saying anything. Jack, in those few moments, turned to Emily, “Regardless of what me and my stupid brain have been acting like these last few months, I'd do it all over again. Don't ever forget that.”
Her heart ached for him as she kissed first the tip of his nose, then his chin, finally landing on his lower lip for just a second, “You saved me. I will most definitely never forget that.”
Both his parents and Emily kept quiet, listening intently and nodding occasionally, taking Jack's confessions in stride … until, “And yesterday, I think I had a panic attack at Dex's house. Actually, I've been having smaller ones for a while, but yesterday's scared the hell out of both of us and Dex made me promise to tell you about them.”
Will and Elizabeth exchanged a look that no one could have missed and Emily, who hadn't known either, “Why didn't you tell me?”
“I figured I could get through them and eventually they would stop, but that last one,” shaking his head and feeling his throat constrict at the thought, he took a few deep breaths, “I think I'm gonna need some help with that.”
Emily squeezed his hand in hers and Will scooted forward in his chair, elbows on knees, “I had attacks like that for years, from when I met your mom up until about the time Dave was born.”
It was Jack's turn to look surprised, “Seriously? How did you get through them? Why did they stop?”
“Slow down.” Will sent a small smile his way, “Your mom used to make me tell her the contents of the refrigerator, shelf by shelf, to get my mind off my fears.” Nudging his wife with his shoulder, “And it was tough going there for a while, but your mom finally figured out why I was having them.”
Jack mirrored his father, elbows on knees, “What was it?”
“I feared that one day I'd end up beating her or any of you kids senseless, like my father did. Deep down, I knew I'd never do that, but deep down understanding sometimes doesn't win over sheer and completely absurd panic. My fears would get the better of me, usually when I was annoyed with one of you guys or if your mom and I had a fight, and, to put it bluntly, all hell would break loose.”
“So I'm gonna have to wait ten years before I can not feel like I'm having a heart attack? 'Cause that's not comforting … not at all.”
This time it was Elizabeth who leaned forward, putting her hand lightly on her son's knee, “Before, neither your dad nor I had decent insurance, but we do now. So, no, you will not have to suffer for the next ten years. We'll find you someone to talk to and go from there, all right?”
Jack nodded, then, involuntary tears flooded his eyes, dropping down his cheeks and off his chin before he could swipe them away, “I'm sorry.” His voice cracked, “I didn't mean to let it get this far.”
Tears in her own eyes, Elizabeth stood, then crouched in front of her son, gesturing him to lean forward for a hug, “We all let things go too far from time to time.” By now, she was talking into the top of his head, “But now, we can help you and, honey, that's the most important thing in the world.”
Once Elizabeth let him go, squeezing him tightly before sitting back down beside her husband, Will asked, “Is there anything else? Anything at all?”
Already exhausted from his confession, Jack shook his head, “Not that I can think of at the moment.” Rubbing the last of his tears away, “But who knows what the hell will pop up next.” Simultaneously shaking his head and making a 'blarhhh' sound, “For right now, though, I'm hungry.”
“Aren't you always?” Elizabeth stood up first, pulling Will up beside her, “We'll talk more later, okay, but I think you've had enough for now and the boys are probably destroying my kitchen as we speak trying to make the tallest stack of pancakes or seeing how high the flames can get when you light the batter of fire.”
Will smiled, “I'd bet at least a foot.”
“We'll be in in a minute.” Jack watched them return to the house before he shifted his gaze to Emily, “What's wrong?”
Coming out of her cloudy look, “What do you mean?”
“I mean, what's wrong? You're suddenly too quiet, even for you.” His stomach tightened, “Are you mad I didn't tell you about my panicking?”
Pulling him forward by the collar of his shirt, she rested her forehead against his, “I'm not mad. I'm just completely confused why you love me enough to not be mad at me for causing this mess in the first place.”
He gave her an honest-to-God, Jack-bright grin, “I am so totally keeping you forever.”
▪▪▪
After breakfast, Jack carried one last pancake taco with him as he made his way out to the furthest hammock, Emily in hand. Sharing it with her as they walked, he finished the last bite just as they reached their destination, “So, feel like relaxing in the hammock?”
Feeling like she hadn't slept for a week, she nodded, “Yes, please.”
“Good 'cause I'm gonna fall down in about 15 seconds.” Helping her in, he wrapped his arms around her, snuggling her under his chin, “Wake me tomorrow.”
They heard the screen door open and, within seconds, the yard was filled with the four younger boys racing around, happy for warm weather, soccer balls and paper airplanes. They seemed to keep it down to a dull roar, however, and with a last kiss to Jack's cheek, both slept.
Tim wandered out soon after the other boys, eating the last pancake as he sat down on the picnic table, sketch pad in hand, determined to kill at least an hour or two before having to go to graduation rehearsal later on. It didn't take long before the back gate opened and he grinned, knowing it was Sarah coming through.
Settling herself beside him, she looked from the drawing to the hammock and back to the drawing, “Will you ever love me the way Jack loves her?”
Digging in his pocket, he pulled out something and handed it to her, “I think this about covers it.”
Returning to the drawing, he watched out of the corner of his eye as the look of confusion turned to amazement, “What is this?”
“It’s my acceptance letter to Randolph. I decided it might be a good idea if I stayed around here to go to school. And, you know, it’ll be easier to ask you to marry me eventually if I’m only a few miles from you as opposed to several thousand.”
The surprised look on her face was priceless, “You … you want to marry me?”
Still drawing as if nothing had changed between them in the last eight seconds, “Figured I might as well, seeing how I fell in love with you the moment I saw you. One should never fight fate.”
Her hand turned his face away from the paper, “Well, I’ll be sure to answer my phone that day.”
“But will you answer my question?”
As she leaned in to kiss him, “This should about cover it.”
▪▪▪
Hanging up the phone, Elizabeth turned towards Will, grinning, “They’ll be here in time for Tim’s graduation party.”
He hugged her tightly from behind, “So, do we tell them everything now or do we wait?”
Elizabeth looked out the window at the backyard full of her children, all seven of them. “We’ve had enough chaos for one day. We’ll wait until tomorrow to raise some hell.” Still smiling, “Do you think they’ll be okay?”
Resting his chin on her shoulder as he followed her gaze, “I think they’ll be just fine.”
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