I can’t be sure whether I lost consciousness or not. You don’t pass out from a single punch, do you? Still, it feels like a lot of time has passed since I heard the front door close.
My face is throbbing. The room is swirly and I can’t stop the sound of blood pounding in my ears. I don’t have the energy to find a mirror to inspect the damage, and really, I don’t care. I know I’m a mess. I feel like there’s a massive weight on my chest, making it impossible to take anything but tiny, shallow breaths.
I drag myself to the other side of the room. My iPhone is still on the coffee table where I’d left it after Maisy’s attempt at sneaking out. Could that have really just been a few hours ago? I think about calling Quinn, but it’s too much to have to explain. I can’t call Dad, he’d go crazy. I start to dial Grant’s number; he’s the one person that I won’t have to explain anything to. He’ll just be here. But just as I start to dial, the room starts to spin again. I send him a quick text before everything goes black.
It’s simple. To the point. Just like Grant had been in his card with the pearls. I know he’ll understand.
Mercy.
Grant helps me to my bed and props a pillow up behind me.
“All right, Quinn says Maisy can stay with her as long as you need. And your dad-—”
“Did you tell my dad?” I ask. I rub my temples, trying to soothe the ache in my head. It doesn’t help.
“The hospital had to call to get authorization to treat you, Syd. I don’t know what all they told him.”
“But he’s coming home, right?” I ask.
Grant nods. I can’t believe this is my life.
“What am I going to tell him?” I ask.
He puckers his brow. “Why not the truth?”
I wish it were that simple. The truth is ugly. And embarrassing.
He reaches over and his hands cover mine, taking over for me, rubbing my head softly. His touch does help take the edge off and I finally close my eyes.
“You don’t know how hard it is for me to sit here and look at you like this and not go and find him…” He lets his incensed voice trail off when he feels me stiffen.
“He didn’t mean to,” I say softly. I really do believe that he didn’t intentionally hurt me like this.
“Syd, don’t you dare defend him.”
“I’m sorry,” I whisper. I can’t hold on to the tears anymore, and finally, I let them fall.
“You don’t have anything to apologize for,” he murmurs. “He hit you. He gave you a concussion. You didn’t do anything wrong.” His voice is soft again.
“I shouldn’t have dragged you into this.”
“Stop.” We both stay quiet for a long time, until finally Grant clears his throat and speaks again.
“What happened, Sydney?”
I close my eyes and try to put the pieces together. I remember waking up and Trevor was there. I remember him backing me into the corner, but I can’t fully recall what sparked the argument.
“I don’t really remember.”
“I can’t believe that he did this to you, Syd.” Grant’s shaking his head in disgust.
I bite my lip nervously. “Please don’t go after him.”
“I’m not leaving you.” It’s not a promise that he won’t go and find Trevor later, and it doesn’t go unnoticed.
“When I found you lying on the floor, seeing you like that…”
“How did you know to come over?”
“You texted me.” He holds up his phone as proof. Now I remember. The text. Me conceding that I couldn’t do it anymore.
“You can’t go back to him.”
“I know.”
“I’m serious, Sydney, I know I said that I’d be here for you, and I will, but I really don’t know how to sit by knowing that you’re in danger…” his voice trails off as the door opens.
Dad.
Quinn sits behind me on my bed, intricately braiding my hair while we watch TV. We’re watching a ridiculous reality show that does little to distract me. It reminds me of the show that I was supposed to be a part of. The one I had to drop out of – Dad’s orders. Nothing that would cause me any stress for a while, he said. Luckily, Grant and his “connections” made it a little easier to deal with.
Quinn has been here day and night since “it” happened. Telling Quinn about Trevor had been easier than telling my Dad. Of course she was shocked, even though she’d been perceptive enough to realize that there was something off about Trevor from the beginning. She couldn’t understand why I didn’t confide her. We’d been friends since we were kids and have never kept secrets. I think that my silence hurt her more than she lets on.
“I have something for you, although I’m not sure that you’ll want it,” Quinn says as she wraps a rubber band around the end of the braid.
“What is it?” I ask, eyeing her nervously.
She crosses the room and grabs her backpack. She reaches inside and pulls out a thick, hardcover burgundy book and hands it to me. My yearbook.
“I had everyone sign it for you,” she says.
“Thank you,” I say. “That was really awesome of you to do, you know, with you hating people and all.” I smile.
“You know it!” Quinn laughs.
I set the book on the bed next to me. I’m not sure I’m ready to remember the last school year. It had started out with such promise, and ended so abysmally.
“Hey, Syd,” Quinn starts. “Can I ask you something?”
“Course.”
“I can’t stop thinking about this, and I know you don’t want to talk about it, but why didn’t you fight back? You’re like the strongest chick I know. I mean, hello, those abs? You totally could’ve taken him. Hell, I would’ve done it for you!”
I force a small smile for her benefit.
“I just couldn’t,” I say. “I don’t know how to explain it. I just froze. I was too scared and too shocked, and just … paralyzed.”
“I wish you would’ve told me.”
“Yeah, me too.” I run my hand across the bumpy cover of the yearbook. “So, how are things at school?” I’m purposely being vague.
“I kept my promise, if that’s what you’re asking – I didn’t say anything to him.”
“Thank you.”
“Hey, I can behave when I have to, no matter what you’ve heard!” She grins.
“How…” I struggle with the next question. I have to know, but I know that she won’t like it. “How is he?”
“Syd,” She hesitates. I nod, urging her to go on. “He’s Trevor. He’s fine, I guess. He’s been acting normal. Or at least like nothing is bothering him at all.”
That doesn’t surprise me in the least. He’s able to continue with his normal life, while I’m stuck up in my room. Missing gym. Going to therapy.
“Thanks.”
“Listen, I hate to do this to you, but I’ve got to run home and grab a couple of things.”
“Sure.”
“I’ll be back in, like, an hour tops, though. You’ll be alright?”
“Yes, Quinny, I’m totally fine. Get out of here.”
I can’t wait for Dad to decide I can go back to gym. I just want normal. I’m so tired of feeling so helpless. I’ve spent the last year feeling this way.
“Sydney.”
I pull myself up. “Oh, hey, Dad.”
“Listen, Syd, I thought about what you said about pressing charges. And you have to understand, I’m your father—”
I cut him off.
“Dad, please. Please don’t make me go through that. Please. I just want to forget that this year ever happened. How am I supposed to do that if I’m forced to go through all that?”
“I know, Syd. I know you’re scared. But my job is to protect you.”
“I’m not scared. And you have protected me. If I file a formal complaint, everyone is going to find out. Everyone. It could totally sabotage my gymnastics career, not to mention my senior year of high school.” Dad frowns at me, but I’m
not finished. “Look, Trevor will be leaving in a few weeks for school and I’ll never see him again.”
Dad lets out a long sigh.
“All right, Syd. If this is what you need to help you move on, we’ll play by your rules.” I know this has to be hard on him. After losing my mom, and then seeing me hurt, he’s been through a lot.
“Get some rest,” he pats my knee and I feel like I’m twelve and home sick with the flu.
I lie back down and close my eyes. I haven’t heard from Grant all week. I’d be lying if I said it didn’t tear at my heart a little. He gave me advance warning at least that he’d be lying low, that he wanted to give me some space, and time to clear my head. But I don’t feel like I need it. I don’t want to be away from him. And I’ve spent the last several months feeling so uncertain about everything. I just don’t feel that anymore.
Although Dad is rightfully cautious about another guy in my life, he’s really taken to Grant and seems indebted to him once I’d explained how he’d helped me.
“Sydney.” The nearby whisper terrifies me. I bite my bottom lip to stop its quivering. My eyes fly open.
“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to wake you,” Grant says softly. He’s standing near the foot of the bed, unshaven, unruly hair and a plain t-shirt. Just the way I like him.
“You didn’t wake me. I was just … you scared me,” I admit.
His eyes flash with a mixture of anger and regret. He never did confront Trevor, at least not that I know of. It’s left him conflicted; he wants to do what I say will make me happy, but everything in him is telling him to make Trevor pay.
“Right. I’m sorry.”
“Sit.” I pat the bed lightly and he takes a seat next to me.
“You look good, Syd.” Translation: no more swollen jaw. No more black eye. “I’ve missed you.”
“What’s the matter?” I ask quietly.
“I just…” He’s having trouble saying whatever it is that he came to say. I feel myself start to tense up.
“It’s okay. I understand,” I say.
“Understand what?”
“I understand that it’s just too much. Me … all of this, it’s too much for you. I get it, and trust me, I don’t blame you.” And I really don’t. I’ve put this guy through hell.
“Not even close, Syd. I’ve already told you, I want you. You have to know that I want you more than anything. But I want you to want to be with me.”
“I do want to be with you,” I respond quickly.
“The thing is, I don’t want you to fall into another relationship just because it’s here or it’s easy. You need to worry about making yourself happy first. You try so hard to please everyone else all of the time and it just can’t go on like that.”
I know what I want. He’s sitting right in front of me. But what he just said makes him sound like a parrot on my therapist’s shoulder. Which likely means that he’s right. Damn.
“I need for you to be sure that it’s what you really want. I don’t want you to second-guess yourself and think you moved too quickly once we were together.” He laces his fingers through mine. They are a perfect fit.
His eyes are thoughtful as he continues. “I don’t know if I’d be able to let you go once I had you, Sydney.”
His words are too much. The emotion tearing through me is like nothing I’ve experienced before.
“Then why did you come today?” I ask.
He looks around the room. The walls are barer than the last time he was here. No prom photos, no gifts from Trevor on display.
“What is it?” I push.
“I came to say goodbye.” Grant’s words make me have to stop and catch my breath. “I’m leaving to stay with my brother in New York tomorrow.”
“How long are you going to be gone?” My voice is cracking.
“Two months.” Two months? Two whole months without those eyes? That messy, perfect hair? That smile that cures everything and makes me trust like nothing else?
“I don’t want you to go,” I whimper. I bite my lip and consider my next question.
“What is it?” he asks. He leans over and nips at my bottom lip, turning the pout into a grin.
“So, does what you said about wanting to kiss me every time we’re together still stand?”
He doesn’t hesitate.
“It does now. It will when I get back.”
And he kisses me. Softly at first, and then, cupping my face in his long hands and really, really kissing me. Melting every bit of doubt and sadness in me.
“So, I’m supposed to take all this time apart to convince you that I do, in fact, want you. What if you don’t want me by then?”
He laughs softly. “That won’t happen.”
“But how do you know?” I press.
His face becomes more serious and he looks away from me briefly, as if he’s collecting his thoughts.
“Because, I love you, Sydney. I can’t just turn that off.” He says it so matter-of-fact that I’m certain I stop breathing.
I shake my head. He tilts my chin up with his index finger so that I’m looking at him. Always. Because with Grant, it’s all out in the open. It’s all sincere. There’s nothing fake, and nothing to hide from.
“What?” he asks.
I wrack my brain for the right words. I don’t know how to explain what I’m feeling.
“I just, I can’t believe that you feel that way,” I stumble over my words.
“Why?” he asks. “I’ve never made it a secret. I’ve loved you from day one.”
“I just … I…” It’s too hard to form a thought with him this close to me.
He leans in even closer, and his lips brush against my ear.
“Sydney, I love you,” he breathes, his warm breath ruffling my hair. He rubs his nose along my ear and a chill runs through me.
“I—” I start. I want to tell him that I love him too, but he presses his index finger to my lips and shakes his head.
“Shhh…” he says with a slight smile. “You know that day with the joke with the glow sticks? When I said that you were delicate?” He runs his finger along my jaw and kisses me gently. I don’t know where he’s going with this, but I nod. “Well, you’re not. You’re so strong, Syd.”
I shake my head. “No, no I’m not. If I were, I would’ve told someone, I would have gotten out sooner.”
“You are. Do I wish you would’ve left him a long time ago? Hell yeah. But there’s something to be said for someone brave enough to take on that kind of darkness alone. You’ve already made it through so much, and you’ll make it through this, too. But it can’t be because of me. It has to come from you. No matter how much I just want to hold you, and protect you. I’ll be here waiting, though.”
Two months…
I slept through most of the flight. I’ve never traveled alone before, I always have Dad or Sam with me, but I’m sort of surprised with how at ease I’ve been. I’ve been training really hard at gym ever since I got the okay from the doctors and Dad, and it’d left me exhausted in the best way, so sleep came easily. I was glad to be back in a normal routine though; it felt good.
I’m amazed at how quickly the summer flew by. After such a terrible start, I expected that it would drag on. I kept busy with gym once I was able to go back, and hung out with Quinn and Tessa a lot. It was nice to have my friends back. To be able to joke with them, and act stupidly, without a dark secret looming over me. The best part was that me, Dad and Maisy had finally taken a family vacation. We hadn’t done that since Mom died. We went to Oregon to visit Mom’s family, who we rarely ever saw.
I felt so at peace in my mom’s childhood home. I stayed up late, in the room that she’d grown up in. I felt close to her, like she was helping to guide me. And, strangely, being in a town of total strangers was exactly what I needed to find myself again. I realized that I was okay, just as I was. That everything didn’t have to be perfect all the time. That I didn’t have to make everyone happy, and the only person’s h
appiness that I was responsible for was my own.
So, that’s where I’m headed; to my happiness.
Grant and I had talked daily since he left for New York. He’d sent me e-mails full of gorgeous photos and packages of trinkets that he’d pick up. Our nightly phone conversations had become my favorite part of the day. We could and would talk about everything under the sun.
And this trip? This is my birthday present to myself. Dad and Quinn were shocked when I didn’t want to have a big eighteenth birthday party. I had something else in mind.
I knew that just like I had been with his, Grant was totally in the dark about when my birthday was. The idea occurred to me while I was in Oregon. I stopped by to visit Julie when I got back from my vacation with Maisy and Dad and she helped me plan my trip.
I’d cleaned out my savings account and was going to surprise Grant. I could perfectly appreciate how he felt when he said that he’d spent his birthday exactly how he wanted when he’d spent it with me.
We’re landing and still, the nerves that had once been so paralyzing have yet to kick in. Instead, I feel completely serene and at peace with my decisions. I grab my carryon bag from under the seat and follow the crowd off of the plane. I keep waiting for the claustrophobia to strike, but it never comes.
Julie made arrangements for someone to pick me up from the airport. If I had any idea where I was going, I probably would have jumped out of the car and run down the streets myself. The traffic is like nothing I’ve ever seen. I admit, my stomach tightens when the driver stops outside a massive building and the doorman helps me with my bags.
I’ve made it this far, all expertly planned by Julie, but now, I’m on my own.
I start wringing my hands as the elevator climbs floors. I pull the address card out of my purse and read it for the hundredth time. I know which apartment I’m looking for, but I keep checking constantly. Just in case. The elevator doors open and reveal a small hallway, decorated in thick, formal wallpaper. The stuffy interior makes me cringe. There’s the claustrophobia I’d missed so much. But there’s only one door down the hall, Grant’s door. The apartment he’s been staying with his brother in for the summer. It’s right there.
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