He calls it out, "You're 'wearing' the gun! You're 'wearing' it! You don't 'wear' a gun. You shoot it. You kill with it," and Mac nearly slaps his own forehead with the palm of his hand.
"That's it. The guy in front of you, when you get home, isn't going to take your picture with the gun. He's going to kill you, if you don't kill him first. Shoot the damned thing. Don't 'wear' it." And Mac drags them all back out into the 'field', at that late hour, and puts them through the 'training', again, into the dark of night, with the 'attitude' he has just described.
At the end of the second day of Big Guns. Each man is weary, drained, and each has actually cried tears during at least one point of that evening; but, "God damn it," Mac thinks, "I can't let 'em go back in there a 'poster target' for those commie bastards. I just can't do it." And when Antoine, head CIA of ST Circus finally walks out to the field, puts his hand on Mac's shoulder and orders him to call it a 'day', Mac lets go the idea that Lhosta will die as soon as he's sent back 'in there'. He exhales with nearly a whimper at the hand of an old friend who knows him saying he'll take over now; and Mac walks back to his room, takes a long, hot shower and sits on the edge of the bed, for nearly an hour, without saying a single word. Some sort of prayer it may have been for Lhosta, because when it comes time 'to go', for the first platoon of ST Circus, the return of Tibetan Khampas, Lhosta is not chosen to go. He is chosen instead to remain another day, and go with Danthra to Darjeeling for a 'break'. After which, he will return to Camp Hale to translate and aid Mac in combat training for the rest of the world to never say Buddism does not have a home. This is how Lhosta hears it anyway, and although he is ready and antcy to retaliate in the way he has trained for, the way he is good at; he is honored by the request of the CIA officials and agrees to go to Darjeeling with Danthra. Tenzing, however, is set to go.
That night Tenzing is almost too tired to think about the return to his homeland, but the next day, during Explosives exercises, Tenzing thinks about Matseidha. Tenzing runs around the moutaintop terrain of Camp Hale learning to set off explosives, his mind on his lessons; but, during each break: lunch, a shower, dinner; Tenzing thinks about home and wonders if Matseidha somehow 'got out' before the attack on Litang.
At dinner the group of Tibetans tell their officers - made up of the 10th Mountain Division, the arm of the CIA Special Mission Teams to train in severe weather and terrain - that they have nicknamed the land they have spent the day blowing to bits as best they can, 'Dhurma', meaning the garden. And during this spirited discussion filled with uproarious laughter Tenzing's attention drifts away; and, he thinks of Chushi Gagdruk - Four Rivers, Six Ranges - the resistance fighters of Kham. It is announced, at this dinner, that the cadets' training has been 'expedited' and that the platoon will be returning to Tibet much sooner than originally planned, within 12 weeks; and, Tenzing silently thinks about Matseidha welcoming him home. He hopes, quietly in his mind amid the excitement of the news, loud voices, and Tiyo's exhuberant chatter, to return, as Danthra once did, to a heroes welcome; and, he pictures Matseidha welcoming him home.
1954 Litang.
Tibetan prayer flags flap in the gentle, August wind against the intense blue of the mid-afternoon sky. The sun-faded colors of weather-worn flags flap alongside the brand-new, bright colored flags set up for the horse races just this month like the gods painted a color wheel at the top of the world under an August sun. The horses show off fantastic colors, too, garbed with the brights of their rider's decorative gear and dress against green-turned-to-gold-colored grassland while the tourists snap shot after shot of mostly black and white polaroids. Nearly a thousand on-lookers have arrived for the Litang Horse Races. A tent city has been set up, nearly the size of Litang, itself, and riders have travelled from all different regions to race in the horse races against one another hoping to take home the cup. Tenzing loves this time of year and for him it is a tradition. Tenzing usually races, but this year he is sitting it out. Tiyo is just learning the art of the horse race and Tenzing, seeing much potential in him, has decided to talk him through, as a spectator, hoping to improve his game. Tenzing will definately join in the free-for-all at the end of the games, and has
hinted at letting Tiyo join in; but decides, he will hold that news to the end - as a surprise.
Tiyo nearly skips with excitement as he meanders through the crowds of the tent city, weaving past groups of Tibetans and Chinese huddled over sizzling barbeques, discussing chances of conquering last year's winners, the smell of grilled meats filling the air. Tenzing follows behind Tiyo at a slower, more dignified pace. He has never won the race himself, but he is from Litang, and Litang did win the cup last year. He walks with sly playfulness, often stopping or calling out to last year's losers suggesting they go home, now, Litang will 'most likely' be winning, again, this year.
Near the market section of the tents, Tenzing catches up with Tiyo and nearly crashes into his backside. Tiyo has stopped dead center of the passage way teaming with shoppers and strollers passing by. At first Tenzing's eyebrows jam together in a frustrated response to his younger brother stopping up the flow of traffic, but then Tenzing catches the eyes of a woman and his expression softens. She is looking directly at Tiyo, and Tiyo is looking directly back at her.
"What are you doing?!" Tenzing brusquely asks him. Tiyo just smiles. The woman looks coyly away and back at Tenzing, smiling as if she might start laughing. Tiyo grabs onto Tenzing's arm and tugs two times at the cloth of his shirt.
"What?!" Tenzing asks again. And Tiyo pushes Tenzing forward with a swift and rather forceful, for the young lad, push.
"I think your brother - is he? - is playing with me," the woman says, smiling. Tenzing tries to look at Tiyo who ducks behind him in an awkward moment of silence.
"He is, I guess," Tenzing stammers. Tiyo, from behind, pushes Tenzing once more, gently this time, toward the woman, shortening the distance between him and the table the she upon which she is laying out swords and colorful sashes.
"He told me you might like me as a friend," this time her smile does turn to a laugh and she covers it with her hand after the first few seconds worried she may have embarrassed Tenzing. Tenzing reaches behind him and pulls tightly on the collar of Tiyo's shirt bringing him out from his hiding spot.
"He did, did he?" Tenzing glares, "Well, he is the most annoying of little brothers, today, isn't he? I think he thinks he is being funny. I'm sorry. It was only a joke. And he isn't - funny." Tiyo twists and turns, his cheeks growing pinker, Tenzing nearly dangling him from the collar he hasn't let go of.
"Tenzing! Stop!" the boy finally wails; and, Tenzing lets go of the cloth. Nearly in tears, Tiyo adjusts his stretched out shirt. He looks at the woman who is feeling sorry, now, and runs off into the crowd.
"I'm sorry," Tenzing says.
"No bother - Tenzing - is it?" she replies, lifting and setting back down a sash she does not even look at.
"Well, I must be going," he says, "the races."
"Are you racing?" she asks, assuming he is, and suddenly Tenzing really does feel sorry; sorry he has been so harsh to his brother, sorry he has sat this race out so he can not impress this woman with a 'yes' to her question, and sorry that he can not express himself eloquently enough at this moment, inviting this woman along for the day.
Tenzing shakes his head, 'no' and as he begins to walk off she tells him, "Don't be so hard on your brother. I like him. He's cute. He made me smile. You aren't embarrassed, are you?" And Tenzing shakes his head, 'no', again, rushing off into the crowd, happy he has met a woman today, and worried he will find his little brother sulking.
The next day, Tenzing finds himself looking at the frayed edges of the sash that holds his sword, the traditional garb of Chushi Gagdruk which he wears most days strapped around him, and will definitely wear on this day, the second day of the Litang Horse Race Festival. Running his finger along the softness of the bare, silk threads, inspecting its condition, he feels an immediate need to replace it. Tenz
ing elects to tell Tiyo, who is putting on a brand-new, bought-yesterday-off-the-guilt-of-his-brother vest about the surprise he has kept from him - that he will let Tiyo ride in the free-for-all race at the end of the games this week. However, as Tenzing watches Tiyo twist and turn, looking at the colors and embroidery of the new vest, Tenzing determines he has done enough to 'make up' for the disagreeable feelings yesterday; and instead, settles on asking his brother to accompany him to the market, before the race. And then, without thinking, Tenzing runs his finger, again, along the softness of the bare, silk threads of his newly determined near unsightly sash, but he does not mention to Tiyo the reason for the market sojourn.
Walking behind the clatter of a moving wooden cart, Tenzing feels out of sorts. He can't quite hear Tiyo as he chatters away about horses and girlfriends and the thing is so large and cumbersome, he can't quite see around it, giving Tenzing the feeling that he might 'miss' 'her' - the woman from yesterday - altogether, or worse yet, happen on her without having seen her first. Tenzing looks around the 'beast' of a hindrance to the right, but there is no getting around it; and, he does not want to wait. Tenzing hints to Tiyo about the shabby condition of his sword's sash. Tiyo smiles with gladness. He grabs onto Tenzing's arm and stops him, making Tenzing wait, as the annoying cart rattles on.
"You are thirty," he says to Tenzing. "You should find a wife," and then he leans in, as if to tell Tenzing a secret, "what about the woman, yesterday. She sells things just like this," he says, "that is what I was trying to tell you,"
"A wife?!" Tenzing feels suddenly tense and timid. He thinks for several seconds of turning back, going home; but then, he continues walking, not finishing the tete-a-tete conversation with his brother. "I didn't even catch her name."
"Oh," says Tiyo following and skipping up next to him. "Well, let's go there, I'll ask her name." Tenzing lets out a scoffish sounding laugh that really is a relief of nervousness, but Tiyo doesn't notice any nervousness. He looks up to his brother, from whom he is quite accustomed to being 'talked down to' and smiles, accepting that his brother thinks he is just playing. Tenzing is glad his little brother came along - he already knows the woman at the sash stall thinks his little brother is cute; so, he thinks, he might not have to do much of the talking at all.
Matseidha has especially dressed up for the festivities today, having been asked by a nice man the day before if she would like to wave one of the bright colored flags to start the horse race. The ornamental headdress she wears holds up the hundred and eight braids that she had let hang down loosely the day before. She has tied one of the silk scarves that she has made in a decorative way about her waist, and the excitement of her 'call to duty' shines in both her eyes and her smile.
Matseidha is busy talking with the attendant of the sales booth next to her when Tenzing and Tiyo approach the table laid out with colorful, silk sashes. Tenzing sees her, smiling, chatting, the light catching and shining off a sequin of her headdress and Tenzing nearly melts with fear. Before Tiyo opens his mouth to shout 'hello', Tenzing clutches his hand in a death grip and marches quickly away, avoiding the booth altogether. Several merchant tables later, Tiyo nearly cries out, "What?!" And Tenzing, calm without fear now, tells him, "I thought I saw a sash, over here, yesterday, that I liked," and then he looks down at his hand, lets go of Tiyo, and quietly adds, "better."
"Oh," Tiyo says, "well, I'm going back to the one where we were. I like to talk to the girl over there."
"Okay," is all Tenzing manages to say; and then, as Tiyo runs off into the crowd Tenzing says, "Wait! I think you should stay," but Tiyo is already gone. Tenzing watches the stream of people engulf him, and then, looks around for a way to ratify his decision and find himself a better 'sash'.
Day three of the Litang Horse Races, Tenzing arrives 'dressed'. Rings of mastodon ivory with black and red tassels hold up his long hair. He wears a new sash; and, he has begun to wear his nervousness about the market's 'unplanned' interaction of fate and destiny (planned three days now) like a jewel in the ring of his confidence. He looks positively radiant. And, he enjoys the horse races.
By the end of the week, Tenzing learns Matseidha's name, in not-too-awkward of a conversation between her, him and mostly Tiyo, as they bump into her after the free-for-all horse race has ended. He also learns that she works as a merchant in the market of Litang, and sometimes in Lhasa - most of her goods she imported from there - as Tiyo chatters excitedly having done 'very well' in his horse race. The amount of relief Tenzing feels as Tiyo uncovers this bit of news about Matseidha can only be explained by the concept of 'possible': the possiblity of seeing her again is not never. Therefore, Tenzing goes home happy.
"The best August horse races ever!" he tells Tiyo. And Tiyo definitely agrees.
1958 Leadville.
After finishing his first beer of the night, in the bar of the mountaintops, far from home, Tenzing tells Tiyo he has thought to ask on about Matseidha - ask if she is still alive. He thinks to ask through the wiring system Danthra mans, keeping touch with the air drops of arms sent to Litang, and the other missions being carried out by the CIA in Lhasa. Tiyo looks down at the table, a sullen moment in the young man's American New Year's celebration, and he tells his brother it might be a better idea not to get his hopes up about that. By the third beer and midnight, he has decided to write Matseidha a letter, send it the embassy in Lhasa, and see that it get to her. Tiyo tells him not to be so melancholy.
"Practically an Irishman," Mac says, and Mary Bethers turns up the music to get the place more into 'a party mood' now that the emergency situation has been whisked away.
After the midnight champagne has been passed out, Mary Beth rounds the corner to the back room 'scene of the accident' and downs the last two glasses on her tray. She adjusts her pink, foil crown of accomplishment and asks her helper, Tiyo, if he would like to dance with her.
Tenzing and the table of Tibetans watch Mary Beth and Tiyo dance without being obvious voyeurs, and Mac repeats to Tenzing, "Yep, practically an Irishman. I get just like that. Times like these, I miss my wife. Funny thing, too, I have a girlfriend, but times like these, I miss my wife. I miss my girlfriend when I'm with my wife; but, away on a mission, I miss my wife." Along the entire table, those who understood him are caught not knowing whether to laugh or not. Tenzing sees him smiling and realizes Mac has just told a joke. Tenzing laughs and smiles back.
"So, you'll help me," he asks Mac, teasing on.
"Isn't that what we're doin' here?" he teases back. And then, those along the table, not listening to conversations of their own, do laugh; and Mac says, "Sure, I'll help, AGAIN!" cause he likes being the center of attention, sometimes, and the laughter and teasing has put him back into a good mood.
"Well, boys," Mac says in his booming voice, "this is your last hurrah!" and finally he notices the couple on the dance floor, "Your brother seems to be enjoying himself," he says to Lhosta, who watches the dancing while the Tibetan man next to him continues telling the story of what Lhotsa looked like being pulled around the dance floor.
"He is not my brother," Lhotsa thinks to say, but doesn't. Lhotsa is tired. He wants to go home. He who has done so well in combat training, learned so well he will be a teacher next time, almost does not enjoy the celebration of the training's completion and longs to be back in the classroom, preferring the jokes and laughter that come at then end of a long, hard day to the spirited 'vacation' from the barracks and the camp. But, it is not Lhosta set to go. It is Lhosta set to vacation, with Danthra; and, Mac asks him if he has received his tickets and itinerary for the trip to Darjeeling.
Lhosta says, "No." He has not. And Mac tells him, from across the table, that he will look into that too. And then he tells Tenzing to interrupt Mary Beth on the dance floor. He'd like another round, he says; and jokes that he is feeling overworked already.
"This is a celebration. Your last before you go in there. Let's party like there's no tomorrow, dammit!" and he sets
an example by asking a lady at the table behind them to dance.
As midnight chimes the whole room tosses out the misery and low feeling of the night's earlier drama and is drinking, dancing, blowing horns, and trading hats - all but Mary Bethers; who insists, again, on keeping hers, and in order to compensate, she does 'something wild', proving she is a fun girl after all. The room's new favorite giver of drink and champagne leans in for a kiss with her dance partner, Tiyo, and the entire room turns to kissing and shouting, 'Happy New Year!' while Mary Beth and Tiyo practically swap tongues, dead-center of the dance floor under the shine of red and blue lights.
"Happy New Year," Mary Beth finally whispers, her tongue now back inside her own mouth.
"Hoppy Neu Yar," Tiyo whispers back to her; back to Mary Beth, the only person, to Tiyo, that exists, at this moment, in the entire room.
At about two o'clock in the morning, Mac decides to 'sober everybody up' and help prevent hangovers with the offer of a steak and flapjack breakfast at the twenty four hour diner he knows about on the interstate, only several miles away, on up toward Camp Hale. About half the room agrees to join him, and one of those is Mary Beth.
"There will be no sad take downs of banners and letters without boyfriends, no emptying of ashtrays, no mopping up of spilled beer as her brand-new year of accomplishment begins," she thinks to herself.
Out loud Mary Beth says, "No," when Mac asks if she, in fact, doesn't have to stay and clean up the place before morning.
Leadville: 300 Days Away Page 6
