My chin trembles despite my best efforts to remain strong and stoic. I shake my head slowly. How does he not know?
“I’m not happy, Nate.”
“I figured that, but why aren’t you happy? What did I do?”
“It’s not what you’ve done, but what you don’t do.” Before I can continue to explain, he cuts me off.
“I don’t get it. I work hard and provide for you the best way I can.” His hurt expression gives way to bewilderment.
I look at the ground, not able to watch his heart break before my eyes. “Yes, you are an excellent provider. I never want for anything; we have a nice home, and nice cars.” My focus returns to him. “But I can provide for myself, Nate. That’s not why I married you. I married you so you’d be my partner in life.”
“I am.” He’s quick to jump in, but all I can do is shake my head again, which stops him.
“Don’t you see? We haven’t been in this together in a while. Your priority is your job. You’re never home, and when you are, you might as well be gone. I want my husband to take interest in me, listen to what I have to say, and care about my opinions.”
He grabs my hands and stares deep into my eyes. “I do care about you and your interests.”
Tears I had managed to hold back run down my cheeks as I bite my lip. “You did, but you don’t anymore,” I choke out. “Look at dinner. I was talking and you completely ignored me. Do you have any clue how lonely it is for me here?”
“I’m sorry, Charlotte. You know my work schedule has been hectic lately. As soon as it calms down it’ll be better. It’ll be like it used to be.” He reaches up and wipes the tears from my face. His tender touch makes this even harder.
“We’re both aware there’s no such thing as a calmer schedule with your job. It’s been this way ever since you got promoted a few years ago.” A sad smile spreads across my face, but I know it doesn’t reach my eyes. “When things started changing between us and you became more distant, I would think back on our memories together. Even the small things you used to do just to let me know you were thinking about me. Like putting notes next to the coffee pot, or even a quick text saying you love me. You made me feel special and loved, and I don’t feel that anymore. Now, those memories only sadden me because they’re a reminder of the way things used to be but aren’t anymore.” My throat constricts as I fight to get the words out, sounding shakier than I want them to.
“So that’s it?” He raises his hands and lets them drop in defeat. “You don’t even want to try? Do you not love me anymore?”
I nod, not trusting my own voice. After I swallow the knot in my throat, I say, “I do love you. But I have to put my happiness first for once, and my love for you doesn’t outweigh the hurt you unintentionally cause me.” Truth is, I don’t think I’m in love with Nate anymore. He’ll always hold a special place in my heart, but years of emotional neglect will make you distance yourself from someone.
“And this will make you happy?” he asks, his throat tight with emotion. All I can do is nod again as I stare at him through blurry vision. He inhales a sharp breath as his hand runs through his dark hair. “Okay.” He looks around the floor as if he’s beside himself. I just want him to leave so I can let out the emotions I’m struggling to hold back.
Glancing back up, he leans toward me. After a brief hesitation, he kisses me gently on the cheek. His lips linger on my skin, and I close my eyes as I soak up the last bit of affection I’ll receive from the one man I thought I’d spend forever with.
He doesn’t say goodbye or anything else as he turns and leaves. A few minutes later I hear the front door open and close and know that I’m alone.
Again.
Only this is more permanent.
At the sound of his truck pulling out of the garage, I crumble to the floor and let go of seven years of built up emotions: love, hope, sadness, anger, and bitterness. Tears pour down my face as guilt, panic, rage, and despair all hit me at once. It’s the last one I hold on to as I curl up on the bed and cry until my throat is raw and there are no more tears.
ON MY WAY to meet the girls at Paige’s place, I’m both nervous and excited to see everyone. I’m excited because it’s been way too long since the four of us got together, but also nervous to tell them about the new developments in my life. They’ll be there for me, but other than Lydia, I haven’t told a soul that I left Nate. My parents don’t even know yet.
If I’m being honest, I’m embarrassed, ashamed even. Another statistic. Another failed marriage to add to the growing list. At twenty-eight years old, I’m becoming a divorcee. Over the last week, I’ve tried to pinpoint the exact moment where things went south, wondering if there was anything I could have done to change the outcome. Every time, I come up empty. There wasn’t one singular event that shifted our relationship drastically. It was a slow decay, rotting our marriage from the inside out.
After parking in front of her condo, I take a deep breath and walk up to her door. Laughter and giggles can be heard on the other side, which brings a small smile to my face. This is exactly what I need right now.
A few seconds after I ring the doorbell, a warm smile greets me. “Hey, girl,” Paige says before hugging me. “Come on in.” I follow her through the house and into the kitchen where Lydia and Scarlett are sitting. We exchange hugs before sitting at the table with them.
“I heard you guys laughing from outside. What were you talking about?” I ask.
“Marcus and his dumb pick-up lines,” Lydia answers with a roll of her eyes. That’s how he won her over. He tore down her walls one cheesy line at a time. Now, it’s kind of become their thing.
“What’d he come up with this time?” I question.
“This morning he asked me how I wanted my eggs. Scrambled or fertilized.”
I pause for a second before throwing my head back in laughter. “That’s kind of gross,” I say through more laughter while the other girls join in. “Plus, I’d say it’s a little late for that question.” I look pointedly at her growing belly.
“Right? He’s so dumb.” She shakes her head, but I can tell she loves it. I smile at her obvious adoration for her husband. She’s so happy and pregnancy agrees with her. She’s radiant.
“Any new victims, Scarlett?” Paige asks, pulling my attention toward her.
Her perfectly arched eyebrows pinch together in confusion. “What do you mean?”
“Well, you’re kind of a man eater. I was wondering if you’d found another guy to sink your claws into since you ditched the last one.” Scarlett’s mouth falls open as her blue eyes widen. I press my lips together to stifle my laughter. “Don’t act offended. You know you go through men faster than I change my underwear,” Paige says with humor in her voice.
Scarlett rolls her eyes. “Nope, no new man to torture. But thanks for your concern for the male population.” She grins, letting us know she’s not taking Paige’s comment to heart.
We fall into an easy conversation, catching up on what we’ve been doing since we saw each other last. I’ve been unusually quiet as I soak in the positive energy flowing from my friends. It sucks I’m about to sour the mood, but I can’t keep this from them much longer.
I pick up the glass of water Paige had waiting on me and take a sip. “So, confession time,” I announce after setting my water down. My palms get sweaty as my throat goes dry, the water doing little to ease the discomfort. With all eyes on me, I just blurt it out. “Nate moved out.”
Two sets of wide eyes stare back at me. I think Paige and Scarlett are stunned speechless as neither utters a word. Lydia’s head tilts to the side as she gives me a sympathetic, yet comforting smile. Since she kind of knew this was coming, I’m not surprised her reaction doesn’t mirror everyone else’s.
“When?” Scarlett finally asks.
Picking at my nails to avoid their unrelenting stares, I feel like an animal in a zoo exhibit right now. “I told him I wanted a divorce two weeks ago. He’s been out of town a lot, but he officially mov
ed out earlier this week.” When I glance back up, I’m met with more blank stares.
Paige is the next to speak up. “What happened?”
I shrug. “We’ve been growing apart for a while now. The demands of his job have taken a toll on me—well, us—and I just couldn’t hang in there anymore.”
“Did you tell him how you were feeling?” Lydia asks.
“Yeah, when I told him I wanted a divorce.”
“How did he react?”
The vision of Nate’s face crosses my mind, making me close my eyes as they well up with tears. “Shocked. I think if I had punched him in the face he would have been less surprised.”
“Really? I’d think people normally know when things are rocky in their marriage,” Paige chimes in.
“Well, that would require for that person to be home and actually give a shit.” The tears I had been holding back run down my cheeks.
Paige puts her hand on my shoulder and squeezes it. “It’ll be okay, and we’re all here for you.”
I give her a sad smile, grateful for their support. “I know.”
“Any chance you guys could work things out?” Scarlett asks.
I think hard about it. “I don’t see how. Part of our problem is his job, and that’s not going to change. I don’t want to waste my life hanging around hoping for change.”
“What’s next then?”
A breath leaves my lips. “I’m not sure. My mind is on this roller coaster and I’m sure it’s because a part of me is afraid to be alone after all these years. It’s a chance for me to discover who I am and what I truly want from life, and that’s terrifying. I have too much time to dwell on things by being home all day by myself, so I was thinking about getting a job.” Plus, this will allow me to be independent. On his way out, Nate said he’d continue paying the bills, but I don’t want him supporting me.
“Have you thought about what you want to do?” Lydia asks.
“Not really. I could never pick a major, so my degree is in general studies. At this point, I don’t care if it’s a job as a receptionist. I just need to be doing something.”
“To fresh starts,” Lydia toasts with her glass of water. The rest of us follow suit.
“To fresh starts,” we all say in unison.
A few hours later, I walk into my vacant house. I mean, it’s no different from what it was when Nate was still here given he was gone so much, but it feels different. It’s in the eeriness of the silence and the knowledge that it will always be this way.
Setting my bag on the counter, I reach for my phone knowing there’s still someone I need to talk to about Nate and me.
My parents.
If I thought telling my friends was hard, it pales in comparison to what is going through my mind as I stare at the lit up screen on my phone. My parents love me, but the idea of disappointing them is almost unbearable. Mom and Dad always led by example. They worked hard for everything they had, but taught me none of it mattered without family. Family is your foundation and makes life fulfilling and complete. And here I am about to tell them that my foundation was built on top of quicksand and is caving in around me.
The line rings as I hold it up to my ear. Looking at the clock it’s only two o’clock there with the three hour time difference. On the third ring, the call is connected.
“Hey, honey. How are you?” my mom greets.
“Hey, Mom. I’m good. How are you guys doing?” I pace back and forth through the kitchen, anxious to get this over with.
“Enjoying the desert life.” Once my dad retired, they both decided to pack up and move west to Arizona. I’m not sure what made them decide to do it, but they seem happy. I’m less than enthused, but that’s because I don’t get to see them as much since I live on the opposite side of the country in Raleigh, North Carolina.
“I’m glad you guys are still liking it.”
“What’s going on, Charlotte? Is everything okay?” It’s amazing; even when she can’t see me, she still knows when something is wrong. I guess my lame attempt at small talk was painfully obvious.
I let out a sigh. “I’ve got to tell you and Dad something.”
“Okay, hold on a sec.” There’s movement through the line like she’s wrestling with her phone. “Alright, I’ve got you on speaker.”
“Hey, Dad,” I say.
“Hey, baby girl. What’s wrong?” he asks, cutting to the chase.
Treating this like a Band-Aid being ripped off, the words just come out. “Nate and I split up.”
“What happened?” my mom asks at the same time Dad says, “What did he do?” Mom’s voice is concerned while my father’s is protective.
“I just wasn’t happy anymore.” My voice cracks on the last word as I start to cry. “Sorry,” I whisper.
“Charlotte, you have nothing to apologize for. These things happen. All we want is what’s best for you.”
I sniff back my tears. “I just don’t want to disappoint you guys.” Each word is strained as my emotions squeeze my throat. Truth is, I’ve disappointed myself. “I never wanted to be this person.”
“Honey, you could never disappoint us,” she reassures me.
“I feel like a failure.” And there’s my biggest confession. It’s not only my marriage that has failed, but I have failed. It’s no secret relationships are hard work, but what am I supposed to do when I’m in it alone?
“Now listen,” Dad says. “You need to stop with all that nonsense. Stuff happens and people change. Is it ideal? Divorce never is. But if you can say you gave it your all, then there’s nothing else you could have done.”
But did I?
“Are you going to be okay? I could fly out to see you,” Mom offers.
“No, I’m fine.” There’s a pause, and it’s quickly filling with awkwardness. I mean, what else is there to say. It’s kind of hard to switch topics after a conversation like that. “Well, I need to go. I just wanted to fill you guys in on what’s going on.”
“If you need anything let us know, okay?”
“Okay, Dad.”
We exchange words of affection before hanging up. A small weight has been lifted off my shoulders having talked to my parents. I usually tell them everything, so it was hard feeling like I was keeping this dark secret from them.
Dad’s comment about giving it my all plays around in my head as I sit down on the couch. It casts doubt on my otherwise resolute decision. Did I give my marriage the chance it deserves? Judging by Nate’s stunned expression, maybe not. The realization puts a lead ball in my stomach.
What if I bailed too early?
What if I made the biggest mistake of my life?
It’s a little late to second guess things now, right?
Two months later . . .
“HEY, CHARLOTTE. HOW’S it going?” I look up and am met with a friendly smile.
“Hi, Ethan. I’m good, how are you?” I return his gesture with a grin of my own.
“I moved three units so far today, so I can’t complain.” He’s one of the most positive people I’ve ever met. His green eyes are always bright and his smile is always warm. He has this energy about him that’s uplifting. It’s as if his mood is contagious, making him one of my favorite colleagues to be around.
I started working at a Toyota dealership about three weeks ago answering phones in customer service. I have the credentials to be an office manager, just not the experience. I haven’t worked since I got my degree and often wondered if it was a waste of time. But I used to rationalize that if I had never gone to college, I would’ve never met Nate, so it wasn’t a waste after all. Now that I want a divorce, that same logic doesn’t hold up, but at least I have something to fall back on.
Since my work history on my resume is minimal, I knew I’d have to start at an entry-level position and work my way up. I’m okay with that too. It’s nice to have a task, a purpose for my day. It gives me a sense of independence again.
“Are you on lunch break?” he asks, pulling me fr
om my thoughts.
“Yep, what’s left of it,” I respond.
He motions toward the chair across from me. “Mind if I join you?”
“Sure.”
Once seated, he goes about unpacking his lunch. It’s been quite a while since I’ve eaten with someone I don’t know a lot about, and I have no idea what to do or say. Judging by his relaxed body language, I’d guess I’m the only one feeling tense right now.
“How long have you worked here?” I ask him to fill the increasingly awkward silence.
He looks up at the ceiling as he ponders my question. “About six months.”
“Have you always done sales?” I take a sip of my water as he nods.
“Yeah.” He shrugs. “I like it. I’m a people person, so that helps. My mom always says I’ve never met a stranger.” He smiles fondly at the mention of his mother.
“I can see that. I don’t think I was at my desk for five minutes the first day before you came over and introduced yourself.”
“Well, I had to make sure I said hi to the prettiest girl here.”
His cheesiness earns him an eye roll as I try to suppress my smile. My cheeks heat slightly with the compliment. “Oh, stop it.” I wave him off and try to downplay the way his words make me feel. I can’t remember the last time someone said I was pretty. While Ethan’s comment is innocent enough, it still sends butterflies to my stomach and has me soaring. How pathetic is that? A guy tells me I’m pretty and I’m acting like a silly teenager.
“It’s the truth,” he persists. “I’ve been wanting to ask you for a while now, but never found the right time. Would you like to go out with me sometime? Drinks or a movie?” His carefree, easy smile is firmly in place, but the smile on my face instantly drops. Seeing my reaction puts a crack in his confident demeanor.
I let out a sigh. “I’m sorry, Ethan, but I can’t. I’m kind of married right now, so I think it’s best if I don’t.”
His brow furrows slightly. “Kind of? I didn’t know there was a gray area in marriage.” He gives me a wink to let me know he’s joking, setting me at ease. “I’m sorry. I didn’t see a wedding ring, so . . .” he trails off with another shrug.
Risk and Reward Page 2
