As I pull up to the sushi restaurant, I tell Mom I have to go and that I’ll call her later.
For once, I’m the first one here, so I secure us a table and anxiously wait. My knee bounces up and down as I stare at the door, waiting for my friends to arrive. I’m not waiting long as Scarlett, Paige, and Lydia trickle in through the door.
We make small talk, which mostly revolves around baby Ella and how big she’s getting. Other than that, everyone’s lives are pretty much the same. Paige still works at a job she hates, Scarlett is buried deep grading papers for entitled eighteen and nineteen year olds, and Lydia is being super mom while she kicks ass at her job as an interior designer. Then there’s me.
“So . . .” I start.
“So . . .” Paige repeats as her head leans forward as if telling me to spit it out.
“Nate and I are going to work things out.” If I weren’t talking about something so serious, their reactions would make me laugh. They’re the same as when I told them I wanted a divorce with wide eyes and parted lips.
“That’s awesome!” Lydia says. “I mean, that is awesome, right?”
I huff out a small laugh. “So far, yeah, it is.”
“So how did this all go down and what the hell happened to Ethan?” Paige asks.
A short burst of air leaves my lips before repeating the story I told my mom. The three of them listen with rapt attention as I tell them how I showed up at the house and how nervous I was as he stared at me. Their expressions shift from shocked to happy as they look at me with warm smiles.
“Wow, he changed his whole career for you?” Scarlett asks, her eyebrows raised up her forehead.
I nod. “I guess he had been working on it since I left and was waiting for it to go through before he came after me for another chance.”
Lydia shakes her head slowly. “If you ever had any doubts that man loves you, I hope you’ve put them to rest.”
I don’t respond, but I don’t have to. My face says it all. I’m radiant and glowing from the inside out and it’s because this dark cloud I’ve been carrying around is starting to lift. It’s been a while since I’ve felt like this about Nate and me, and while there are no guarantees we’re going to make it, I’m going to bask in the moment and be happy with my friends.
“You never told us what happened with Ethan,” Paige reminds me.
And there goes my good mood.
Swallowing, I look down at my glass. “It just didn’t work out. He was too clingy and was suffocating me. He’d talk about having kids and being together forever; it was more than I could take. Plus, I think in my heart I knew Ethan wasn’t the one for me. Every time we’d do something, a memory of Nate would come to my mind. It’s like my subconscious was trying to tell me to ditch Ethan and go back to Nate.”
I omit one of the deciding factors in my decision. When I think about it, I can still feel his hands on me and the panic lurks in the recesses of my mind. I don’t want them to know.
I don’t want anyone to know.
It kills me not being completely honest with my friends, but there are some things that are too hard to share. And having to revisit what Ethan did, whether it was intentional or not, brings up feelings of fear, disgust, and loathing. I can’t go there today.
“Well, sounds like you’re making the right decision then,” Lydia says with a grin.
I thought I was headed on a new path when I left Nate, but as the possibility of mending our marriage presents itself, maybe I needed to take a detour before getting back on the same path as before.
DESPITE FEELING CERTAIN the day after I talked to Nate, my head was all over the place once I got home from lunch with the girls. I have a habit of overthinking things, and that’s exactly what happened once I was alone. Was I making another rash decision? What if it didn’t work out again? I’d have to start all over, not to mention the heartbreak I’d be putting both of us through for the second time. A small amount of alarm hits me while I was drowning in self-doubt and a multitude of questions.
It was as if Nate could sense my internal struggle because right before I drove myself crazy going back and forth, he called. His smooth voice and confident tone was all I needed to ground me again. Nate is my center, my sense of calm. I had forgotten the effect he could have on me until I went without it for so long. So I closed my eyes, took in a deep breath, and let him tell me about his day before I went to sleep. It’s been a week now, and I’m happy to say the fears I had are no longer present. I’m looking forward to leaving the past behind us and seeing what the future holds. It’s still early, but so far it’s working for us.
It’s been two weeks since Ethan followed me into Target and I haven’t seen him since. At first, I thought he might have called in like I did before, but after the first week, I finally asked. Turns out, he quit. A part of me is a little unsettled by it. I certainly don’t want to see him anymore, but there’s something reassuring about knowing where he is.
Fortunately, Nate has done a great job keeping my mind off of it. He’s been attentive, charming, and everything I fell in love with when I was twenty-one years old.
My phone rings and my lips pull up into a smile on their own when I see who it is. “I was just thinking about you,” I answer.
“Were you now?” His tone is light, like it makes him happy to know he was on my mind.
“Mmm hmm,” I reply.
“Any dirty thoughts?” he asks, his voice dropping seductively low. My thighs clench in response.
“Wouldn’t you like to know?” I quip back.
“You have no idea.”
I’d be lying if I said the image of Nate naked didn’t pop up in my head from time to time. He’s always been a gorgeous man and takes good care of his body. From his V-cut that gives way to rock-hard abs, to his toned arms and broad chest, he’d give the athletes at the university a run for their money.
“What are you doing today?” he asks, snapping me out of my lust-filled thoughts.
“Being lazy and enjoying my day off. What are you doing?”
“Well, it’s official. This was my last week as assistant athletic director and I start my new position on Monday.” I expected him to sound melancholy about this transition, but he’s not. He might even be excited.
“Are you happy about that?” I don’t want to show how thrilled I am if he is in fact miserable with his new career path.
“You know, I didn’t think I would be. Honestly, I was pretty pissed when I started looking at alternatives, but now I’m seeing it as a good thing. I hated traveling.”
This takes me by surprise. “You did? I never knew that.”
“Staying in different hotels constantly, crappy food, long hours, living out of a suitcase . . . it’s not as awesome as it sounds.”
I laugh softly at his sarcasm. “Why didn’t you ever ask me to go with you?” It was something I often wondered. It would have given us a chance to spend more time together, and it was like he didn’t want it.
“I didn’t think you’d want to,” he answers. “You never mentioned it.”
I shrug. “You never asked.”
“More missed opportunities.” His voice reflects deep regret.
Opting not to dive back into the mistakes of our past, I ask, “Why didn’t you look to change jobs before?”
He’s quiet for a moment before he replies. “I think I had tunnel vision. I wanted this one goal for so long, I couldn’t see when I didn’t anymore. It’s another reason I think you leaving was a blessing in disguise. It forced me to reevaluate my whole life, and I’m thankful for that. I realize what matters and is important to me, and my job was taking me away from all of it.”
This is why I’m glad I gave us another chance.
His answer warms my heart and brings a smile to my face. But more than anything, I feel relieved. In the back of my mind I was worried he’d grow to resent me for taking him away from his dream job. Hearing him say he’s doing this for him too, eases those apprehensions
.
“Anyway, I wanted to see if you were free tonight and tomorrow morning to celebrate with me.”
I love how he sees this as a time for celebration. It’s as if we’re starting fresh, starting this new adventure together.
“Tonight and tomorrow? What do you have planned?” I ask, intrigued.
“I thought I’d take us camping with a twist.”
My eyebrow arches. “Would this twist involve a cabin with running water and electricity?”
His deep chuckle vibrates through the phone. “Not exactly.”
“Nate, you know I’m not the outdoorsy type.” I wince, hoping I’m not coming across as a diva.
“I know, but it’s time we both did things out of our comfort zone.” When a few seconds go by and I don’t respond, he says, “Come on. It’ll be fun and I scouted out the perfect spot.”
His hopefulness makes me cave. “What about Choco? I can’t leave him overnight.”
“Bring him with us.” He’s effectively removed every excuse to get me out of going.
“Alright, when are you picking me up?”
“Be ready at five,” he tells me.
“Isn’t that a little late to get started? You won’t be able to see to put the tent up once it starts getting dark.”
“You leave the worrying to me, okay?”
I grin at his confidence. “Okay, see you in a few hours.”
We say goodbye and hang up the phone. Normally, I’d be dreading this. I hate bugs and creepy animals at night, and I’m not a fan of sweating. But I’m kind of excited about it. This will give us some much needed time together with nothing to do but enjoy each other’s company. With many months apart, we have a lot of making up to do. Plus, it’s nice to see his thoughtful side and commitment to working this out with me.
The drive up to Falls Lake State Recreational Area only took about thirty-five minutes. There are quite a few people set up here, yet it’s secluded. It’s probably the way the trees shade campers to give a hideaway feel. As we’re driving through the campsite, I notice everyone in this area is in an RV.
“Ummm, are we allowed to camp here?” I ask as I continue to look out the window.
“Yeah, why wouldn’t we?”
“This looks like an RV lot. No one has tents set up.”
“We won’t either,” he informs me.
My head turns in his direction more confused than ever. “Are we sleeping on the ground then?” I did not sign up for this.
He laughs. “The look of horror on your face is so cute right now.” That earns him a glare. “No, we’re not sleeping on the bare ground. Just relax a little and try to enjoy this, okay?” He reaches over and grabs my hand before bringing it to his lips and kissing the back of it. It’s a small gesture, but has a big impact. He used to do that all the time, especially when we started dating. He was very generous with his affection and showered me with it. As time went on, it lessened. He probably has no idea how much this affects me, but it gives me hope our relationship could be headed on the right track again.
The campsite is like a peninsula on the lake, and he parks us at the very end. We get out of his truck and I go straight for the water. Choco is close behind us, smelling every inch of dirt and tree like his life depends on it.
I was actually a little nervous about how the two would take to each other. Choco was skeptical and leery, making me wonder if it had anything to do with the last man he saw me with. But after some gentle coercing from Nate, he came around and has a new buddy now.
The lake is so calm it looks like glass. “I don’t think I’ve ever seen water this still.”
Nate’s arms wrap around me from behind as he rests his head on my shoulder. “It’s nice, right?”
“Yeah, it is,” I agree.
We stand like this for I don’t know how long, neither of us wanting to break the moment. I could stay here forever and be content. With the tranquility surrounding us and being wrapped in his arms, this is what perfection feels like to me. And I’ve missed it.
His head turns toward me. “It’s killing you, isn’t it?” His breath fans across my neck, creating goose bumps on my skin.
I swallow hard, pretending I’m not affected. “What?”
“Not knowing where we’re sleeping.” I hear the smile behind his words and know he enjoys keeping me in suspense.
I blink out of the haze he’s putting me under with his proximity. “Maybe a little,” I admit, even though that’s not the first thought that came to mind.
Letting go of his hold on me, I turn around to face him. With a knowing grin he motions his head back toward the truck. “I’ll get us set up.”
Within ten minutes he’s created a plush pallet for us to sleep on in the back of his truck. Layering multiple blankets and arranging pillows gives us a soft surface to rest comfortably on, while the plush blankets ensure we’ll stay warm overnight. It’s actually quite romantic and I love it.
He hops off the tailgate and says, “What do you think?”
“I like it.”
“Good.” He beams. “There are bathrooms up that way if you want to change. I can walk you over there.”
I wave off his suggestion. “I’ll just change in the cab. No one’s going to see anything.” He nods and I get my pajamas on.
When I come back out he says, “Now one more thing.” He pulls out a can of bug spray from his bag. “Best on the market with extra DEET to repel any bug who thinks about coming near you at night.”
“Isn’t DEET bad for you?” I ask.
He looks at the can and then back at me. “Probably, but that means it’s bad for the bugs too.” When my expression falls, he smiles, thinking he’s funny. “Take your chances or get eaten alive. Those are your choices.”
A sigh escapes my lips and I hold out my arms. “Spray me.”
Bringing Choco with us, we climb into the truck and lie down. He holds his arm out in invitation, and I take it, snuggling up to his side. Choco spins around a few times before settling on a spot near our feet. With my head on Nate’s chest, it’s easy to hear his content sigh when we’re all comfortable.
The trees surround us, creating a circular opening to view the sky. Various shades of pink, orange, yellow, and purple dance across it before fading into black. We talk about a lot of nothing as we watch the transformation take place before our eyes.
“The stars are so bright out here,” I say in awe once the sun has completely set.
“Yeah, it’s nice,” he comments.
I never thought I’d be in this position with Nate again. This is how it was in the beginning when everything was simple and natural. If I close my eyes, it’s easy to forget the pain and torment we both went through over the last several months. It’s easy to forget the last couple of years of unhappiness and bask in the here and now where we’re reminded of how we used to be. I missed this. I needed this.
Several moments of silence pass. “What are you thinking about?” he asks. A small grin pulls at my lips. He knows me so well, but I’m hesitant to bring up the past for fear of ruining the night. “Go ahead,” he encourages.
“Why didn’t you put up a bigger fight when I told you I wanted a divorce?” Right after I left, it was the one thing that stood out most, telling me I made the right decision.
He lets out a sigh. Not one of frustration, but of disappointment. “Charlotte, I know you better than I know myself sometimes. You didn’t see the look on your face as you uttered those words. It tormented me the entire time we were apart. You were determined and had your mind made up. There was no way you were going to listen to me tell you I’d change and things would be different. I had to prove it to you.”
I study his face and see nothing but the truth. “Please don’t take my distance as not caring. The months you were gone were the darkest of my life. The only thing that got me through was the hope you’d forgive me and see how serious I was about making this work.”
I’m content with his response, lettin
g the hurt of his absence go.
Nate pulls out a cooler with a picnic he set up for us, lighting our plates with the flashlight app on his phone. We talk like we haven’t in years. It’s cathartic and the most open and honest we’ve been with each other in a while. We spoke of our fears; mine being unhappy, his being without me. I explained to him in great length the resentment I have toward his job. I figured he’d become defensive since it’s the one thing he’s worked so hard to achieve, but he didn’t. He listened without interruption and absorbed all the anger and hostility I still reserve for it.
He apologized for not making me a priority, which is something I needed to hear. Before, he’d say he didn’t realize he had treated me this way, but for once he owned up to it. In the back of my mind, I knew we couldn’t move on unless he acknowledged the issue, and he did head on, taking full responsibility.
I don’t know why we couldn’t have done this a long time ago. We discussed every issue during our marriage we should have addressed before, but I was either too scared or fed up to mention it. At the end, a huge weight had been lifted off not only our shoulders, but our marriage. But, there was one topic that needed to be addressed, and this time I’d be the one apologizing.
“There’s something I wanted to talk to you about, something that has been weighing on my conscience for a while now.”
“Okay?” he says with trepidation.
I take in a deep breath and prepare to come clean. “Remember how we were trying to have a baby?”
“Yeah . . .”
“After months and months of trying, I couldn’t handle the heartbreak anymore. It was too hard to deal with that disappointment every single month. I felt like I was letting us both down and it was depressing.” He runs his hand up and down my back and it’s soothing, helping me confess what I should’ve told him a long time ago. “It got to the point where I didn’t want to try anymore. You started traveling, and it was a burden I didn’t want to carry anymore. So I went to the doctor and got on birth control. I’ve always felt guilty about not discussing it with you. It wasn’t only my decision to make, but I didn’t want you to be more disappointed in me for giving up.”
Risk and Reward Page 12
