by Willow Rose
I had finished my homework and the books were still on my bed. I was alone, not in the mood for any reading or even listening to music. Everyone else had gone to the theater where the Angels were performing their beautiful singing, except of course the squad of Angels who were guarding me outside my door.
I considered going to bed early, but I wasn’t tired. And frankly I was a little scared that my classmates were right and I would wake up as the next screamer. I don’t know how long I stared out the window while weighing the pros against the cons: doing what my heart desired and sneaking past the guards to go and see Jason, but making Mick furious—not to mention the Angels as well. It was long enough to decide that it would cause me way too much trouble if I went.
I sighed and went back to staring into the black darkness, picturing Jason’s face. I needed to see him: see him look at me again, hear him talk, see him smile and laugh the way he used to when I visited him in his house. I needed to replace that awful last memory of his empty eyes staring into nowhere, dozing off into oblivion.
But I knew it wasn’t going to happen anytime soon.
Someone came to my door. I heard voices outside in the corridor followed by laughter. I couldn’t help smiling. It was Mick. He always knew when I needed him. He stuck his head through the door and oozed into my room. My heart started beating faster when he came close. He put his arm around my waist and pulled me near. Then he whispered.
“We are all alone.”
“What about the guards?”
“They won’t bother us. I talked to them before I went in.”
He breathed heavily in my ear as he spoke.
Then he held me tight for a second before his lips were all over mine. I enjoyed his kisses and his hands caressing me. His hands were on my face, my neck, and my body. While he was still kissing me he pushed all of my books off the bed and then he put me gently on top of it. He leaned over me and I felt his warm kiss on my neck again. I grabbed his head and held it between my hands, and then I pulled him back to my face and drank from his lips again.
I stopped and he looked at me confused. I had messed up his hair. It made him look even more boyish.
“What is wrong?” he asked still breathing heavily.
“How does this even work?” I asked.
Mick sighed and threw himself on his back next to me.
“I mean our bodies are all different from humans. How do spirits … you know?” I asked.
“I don’t know,” he said with a smile.
“You mean to tell me you haven’t tried it before? You never had sex as a spirit before?”
“Not as a spirit and not as a human.”
Neither had I. So there we were thinking about doing “it” for the first time in our lives. I kind of had a picture of what it was like when you were in a human body. But these new bodies were very different. They looked like the human body, but they were almost weightless (only twenty-one grams) and seemed to be made of a fluid-like material. But then again, if the kissing worked, the rest probably worked as well.
I looked at my clothes. I had been wearing the same ones ever since I came to the castle, ever since I died. I had only taken them off when I took a shower or went to the bathroom. They didn’t seem to get dirty or even smell. In the first year we were told that we would look exactly the way we did when we died until the day we were let into Heaven. Then we would get to choose what we wanted to look like. I was okay with that, but being a girl I would have liked to dress differently every now and then. We had to get rid of all vanity, they said, before we were ready to go through the gates of Heaven. I had this weird dream that my house in Heaven would be filled with all kinds of nice clothes.
I took off my jacket and was now just wearing my top.
Mick smiled a little shyly while staring at my breasts. That was when I realized that with his background he probably had never seen a woman naked before.
“Do you want me to take off my clothes?” I whispered.
Mick’s face froze. Then he got up from the bed in a hurry.
“What is wrong?” I asked.
His breathing was uneven again. He stared at me and then covered his eyes with his hand.
“Please, Meghan. Don’t make me do this. I am a gentleman,” he said.
I got up and floated toward him. I wrapped my arms around him and pulled him closer. His face showed his heart was torn.
“I just want to be close to you,” I whispered, longing for his closeness, for his warmth, longing to hear his breath and feel his lips again. Resisting me like he did made me want him even more.
“Please come back to the bed with me,” I whispered.
I closed my eyes waiting for his rejection. But he hesitated, still breathing heavily, keeping his face close to mine.
“Please?” I whispered again, feeling my heartbeat pick up. I felt like I had knots in my tongue and the words tumbled as they left my lips. “So what if we don’t know how to do this? So what if it doesn’t work out? It is perfectly okay.”
“Don’t make me do this to you,” he said.
“You are not doing anything to me,” I scoffed. “I want this. I am in need of you. I need to have you close to me.”
His warm arms tightened around me, and his lips were close to my ear, causing an ice-cold chill to run down my back, making me shiver all over.
“Meghan … ,” He shook his head slowly. But then it was like he gave in to his own desire and his lips moved across my throat. My heart, already racing, felt like it would explode. He lifted me up and carried me to the bed. When we landed on it, his face turned toward mine and I twisted in his arms till my lips met his. His hands were on my shoulders and I was certain he would pull away again, but I was wrong. His breathing became even more agitated and his mouth was no longer gentle. There was a desperation in his kisses. His lips didn’t leave my body. It was like he wanted to devour me, take advantage of this moment as if it would never come back. I pulled his mouth back to mine and he seemed just as eager as I was. Maybe even more than me now. It was like he had been waiting for this all of the hundred years he had spent here. Waiting for me, waiting for permission to let all of his desires out. As he moved around on top of me I felt his muscular arms. They were so strong, so powerful, like he could crush me in one movement. His arm was around my waist pulling me closer to his body. His lips were at my ear again.
“Meghan … Do you have any idea how hard it is for me to refuse you?” he whispered.
“Then don’t,” I whispered back as his lips were on my skin again.
He lifted his head and looked me into my eyes. The icy-blue sparkling eyes that were so cold and so beautiful.
“But I have to,” he said, but still not resisting his own desires. Now his lips were on my wrist. He was kissing my hand.
“Why? Don’t you want me?”
He sighed. “You have no idea how much I want this,” he said and paused for a second before he continued. “There is only one thing I want more than this.”
“What is that? What do you want from me?”
He sighed and narrowed his eyes slightly while looking into mine. His beauty was breathtaking and almost unbearable. “I want you to love me,” he said.
“But I do love you.”
He sighed again. This time more deeply. “I want you to love me the way you love Jason.”
My heart stopped beating for an instant. “What do you mean?”
He pulled himself away from me. “I have seen the way you look when you talk about him. I have seen the love in your eyes. Even now, when he is unreachable to you, you still pursue him and love him more than you have ever loved me.”
“That’s not true,” I scoffed, feeling a little insecure. But he is right, I thought as my breathing slowed down a little. I knew he was. I just didn’t want him to be.
“I am not sure I can give you that,” I said. “I do love you. It is just different with Jason. I don’t think I will ever love anyone as much as I love him. But it
doesn’t matter. I can’t be with him. You are right. He belongs to a different world.”
Mick nodded. He didn’t look disappointed as he got up from the bed.
“Besides, where I come from, this is not something you do before you are married,” he said.
“That is so old-fashioned,” I laughed.
“That is me. I am very old-fashioned, if you haven’t noticed.”
I gave him a disappointed look. He smiled again and leaned over me. Then he whispered in my ear, “This is something I want to do right. Please let me do this right. The right way at the right time.”
“Okay. You will get your way … as always,” I murmured and threw my head on my pillow. As I did I heard voices coming from the corridor again. This time it was the girls coming back from the theater. Mick looked at me. I got up and stood beside him. Quickly I fixed his hair making it look like it usually does. A second later my three roommates oozed through the door. They stopped when they saw us. I guess we must have looked kind of sheepish.
“What have you two been up to?” asked Mai. “You look like we caught you in the middle of something illegal.”
Chapter 10
March arrived with its promise of a spring that would change the landscape from the calmness of the white snow to the busyness of the animals and plants waking from their winter sleep.
It wasn’t quite here yet, but every day I stared out my tower window, hoping this was the day the butterflies would return and we could go riding on the Pegasuses again.
I saw some of the birds return from their winter retreat and slowly the forest shook off the white cover and started stretching its branches. I had taken up flying with Abhik again on the weekends and we had fun as always racing through the clouds and talking about our hopes and dreams for the future for the eternity that was waiting for us.
Abhik’s everlasting trust in the future always struck me as unique. Where I mostly was concerned and worried about how it would be—how it would all end up with me and Mick or me and Jason—Abhik never worried. He always saw every day as a gift he would never get back. The future was like the presents under the Christmas tree waiting for the right time. He would talk about the life that awaited him in eternity with the same look in his eyes as a child waiting for permission to unwrap those presents. He knew that no matter what it was like, it would be everything he had ever dreamed about.
I, on the other hand, was less sure. I was afraid that graduating from the school and entering Heaven would only draw me further away from Jason. And I was a little afraid that it was my destiny to spend eternity with Mick. I mean I loved him, I really did, but … well I don’t know what it was. There was just something. I wasn’t sure.
Knowing me very well, Abhik sensed something was wrong, and one day he asked. “Is it still Jason on your mind?”
I smiled and nodded. “But don’t tell Mick,” I said.
Mick still hated when I even mentioned Jason’s name or if he suspected I was thinking about him. I couldn’t blame him, really; it was just impossible for me to control my mind. Jason was still a big part of me, but Mick didn’t seem to accept that.
Abhik saluted. “Scout’s honor.”
“You were never a scout. Do you even have Boy Scouts in India?” I said and pushed him gently.
“Well, I always wanted to be one. Does that count?”
“Maybe.”
Abhik gave my shoulder a gentle push, smiling a smile that lit up his whole face. Because he had been a cancer patient all of his earthly life, Abhik had no hair on his head. He looked cute without it; he was one of those people who could pull it off. But I thought it only fair that he would get to chose what he would look like once we were let into Heaven. He had once told me that all he wanted was to get rid of the hospital gown and have hair like the great lion.
“Just tell me what is on your mind,” he said.
I sighed. “It is just … I really can’t explain it. I just miss him. I long for him, long to see him again and see his smile.”
“You love him. It is not that weird.” He paused and looked at me like he was about to say something I wouldn’t be pleased with. “The weird thing is that you still love him.”
I looked at the ground beneath us. We sat on a cloud floating over the castle roof still beautifully covered in a thin layer of snow. The dark ocean seemed angry as it threw its waves at the cliffs.
Abhik is right, I thought to myself. I did love Jason, no doubt about that. But I had come to realize little by little that maybe I just loved the idea of him.
“I’m with Mick now,” I said.
“I think everyone knows that.” I blushed at his remark. I mean, I realized people knew about us, I just didn’t want them to know. Everything was so much easier if no one did. So we had tried hard to keep our relationship a secret, but we hadn’t been that great at it. Well, it was mostly me who had tried hard. Mick didn’t quite understand why I didn’t want anyone to know. It hurt him a little, I think.
“You are right. I need to stay focused on what I have here, right now,” I reasoned. “I can’t keep living in the past, thinking that Jason will wake up and see me some time soon. I know perfectly well that he won’t any time soon. He might, some day, but right now I have to focus on my own life.”
Abhik took my hand and squeezed it. “I think you are doing the right thing,” he said.
I smiled. “I think so too. But how do I know?”
He let go of my hand. We both stared at a bevy of long-necked swans flying past us. Beautiful and proud, almost stoic, they seemed unaffected by anything that would come their way.
“Well, all I know is that in the last couple of months you have been happier with Mick than I have ever seen you before. Jason never made you smile like that. He caused you pain and worry and that is not good for you.”
“I know. I have to do the right thing. I just have to,” I said. “Mick is a great guy. He is really nice to me and he loves me so much. I know that.”
Abhik turned his head and looked at me intensely. “Then let Jason go.”
“How am I supposed to do that?” I sighed.
“Make a decision. Just let go of him,” Abhik said. “You don’t have to cling to him, or the vague memory you have of who he once was. The fact is that he is not that person anymore. And there is a very good chance he will never be that same person again.”
I smiled at Abhik. He always knew the right thing to say. Sometimes I would wish I could be more like him. To me he was the perfect person. He had a heart of gold, was easy to be with, and was not at all complicated. He had trust and faith in the future and he was able to love everyone. I could talk to him about everything. By now he was probably the best friend I’d ever had.
But one night the most terrible thing happened. I was sound asleep when I was awakened by a horrific scream. At first I thought it was me. I had been having another of my nightmares about my parents searching for me. This time I had been able to see my dad’s face very well—so well I could still picture his brown eyes and high cheekbones when I woke up. He had been walking through a forest that I seemed to recognize as well, the snow falling lightly on his tormented face, strained by the pain of not knowing. He followed a trail of blood on the ground while the shadow of an Angel floated over his head. I had been having this dream over and over again, but the details became clearer each time. So did the feeling of despair that the dream always left me with and waking up in a scream wasn’t that unfamiliar to me.
But it didn’t take me long to realize this scream hadn’t come from me and it was different. The pain it contained was deeper.
I sat up and looked into the eyes of Jackline, who had also heard it. She looked as confused as I felt. Meanwhile the screaming continued. It was like it was piercing through our bodies.
“Where is it coming from?” asked Jackline. Her face was perplexed.
“I don’t know,” I said. “It sounds like it’s not that far away. Maybe down the corridor?”
> I knew I had heard this kind of scream before and it made me anxious that it was so close this time. I got out of bed and Jackline followed me through the door. The Angels guarding the door were gone, much to my surprise. As we followed the sound we realized that it came from the boys’ dormitory. We went in through the door and found the chamber filled with both spirits and Angels who had flown to see what was happening. Between them I saw the two guards who had been protecting our door when we went to sleep. They were trying to calm some of the spirits down. I had a big lump in my throat as I pushed my way through the crowd. I had a horrible feeling inside of me. Whatever was causing this had taken one of the boys this time.
As I neared the beds in the dormitory I realized that I had been right in fearing the worst.
It was Abhik.
My heart stopped beating. I hurried toward him. He was sitting up in bed, staring with an empty gaze while he was screaming his lungs out. The look upon his face was of utmost terror.
“Abhik,” I yelled.
He didn’t hear me or even look at me.
“Please, Abhik,” I pleaded. “It’s me Meghan. I am right here. It is just a bad dream. You need to snap out of it.”
I reached out to touch him, but his arm was freezing cold and I pulled mine back in surprise.
“He won’t snap out of it,” a deep voice said. “It is just like the other cases. He will stay in that nightmare until we have solved the mystery of who is behind this and make it stop. I am afraid we are not even close to that yet.”
I turned and saw Raphael standing right behind me.
“We need to bring him to the hospital tower immediately,” he continued and signaled the other Angels to help him.
Abhik’s body seemed stiff when they picked him up, like he was frozen into that position. I followed them with terror as they left with my friend. I didn’t know if I would ever see him again.
