by Willow Rose
I turned and looked at him. “And what is that?”
“You will finish your assignment if you go there on her death day and talk to her when she dies. Just talk to her spirit as it leaves the body.”
“And that is all? Just talk to her?”
Salathiel nodded with his eyes closed. “Just talk. That’s all.”
“Just say hello or goodbye?”
“That will do, yes. I want you to look into her eyes and talk to her.”
I nodded. I could do that, I was willing to, but no more than that. “Okay,” I said. “I will say goodbye as she is dragged away by the Se’irims.”
Chapter 28
When I woke up one Sunday morning, it took me a moment to remember why I felt so miserable. Then the memory of what was supposed to happen that day rolled over me. This was the day that Rosey was supposed to die.
I had been looking forward to getting my revenge for what she had done to my family, but somehow that feeling left me empty inside. I sat up in bed and slowly put my feet on the marble floor. My roommates’ beds were all empty. Mai, Acacia and Jackline had obviously already gone down for breakfast. I got up and went down to the common room, where I found Abhik sitting in front of the fire. I didn’t feel hungry at all, so I took the chair next to him and sat down.
“Not feeling hungry?” I asked Abhik knowing that yesterday had been his day of decision making. He looked up at me with his big brown eyes.
“I already ate. And you?” He answered.
I shook my head. “No appetite.” I sighed and we both stared into the fire for a long time. “So did you finish your assignment?” I finally asked.
He was rubbing his forehead with his fingers. “Yeah, I did,” he said.
“So what did you end up with?”
He sighed very deep. “I had to let her die.”
“Boy. That had to be tough.”
He looked at me and smiled. “Actually it wasn’t as hard as I thought it would be. Jackline convinced me there was no future for her. That she would be an outcast for the rest of her life, that she would be abused and misused and if the AIDS didn’t kill her in some other way. Some of the villagers might kill her because it was believed she was somehow cursed and she would bring bad luck and diseases to them. So I decided that it was the most humane thing to do. To let her die of the pneumonia while she was still so young that she hadn’t suffered too much emotional damage. And Meghan, I tell you, when I came to get her, I mean you won’t believe it, it was so beautiful. I have never seen anything this amazing. It was …” Abhik had tears in his eyes when he looked at me. “It was really something. I was glad I made this decision. She was so happy to see me and now she is at the nursery in the west tower and she is doing great. They say she is the happiest child they have. She even got to meet her parents yesterday when she just arrived. They have special programs for the small children, you know. They get to be with their loved ones right away, to make them feel comfortable and safe. As it turned out, she has a huge family that was waiting for her to arrive.”
I smiled. That sounded really nice and heartwarming. “I’m glad you made the right decision,” I said, though feeling heavy in my own heart. I wasn’t about to have the same warm and loving experience with my assignment.
“So you are going for yours today?” Abhik asked.
I nodded and avoided his eyes.
“You are going to get her, right?” He asked. “If you don’t you will not graduate, remember?”
“Well Salathiel and I have made a new arrangement, given my circumstances.”
“And what is that?”
“I only have to talk to her. That’s all.”
Abhik whistled.
“What?” I asked a little annoyed. I felt his judgmental look on me.
“Nothing. I just never pictured you as the avenging type. I was really rooting for you. I was certain you would change your mind.”
“The woman killed me. She buried my body somewhere or disposed of it somehow and made my parents live in uncertainty for years.”
“She was convicted of the murder, though. She confessed to it and took her punishment. Doesn’t that mean something?”
I sighed. I had told Abhik way too much about this. Now it all came back to haunt me. He didn’t know what he was talking about. “But my parents never knew for sure. I’ve felt their pain in my dreams. I’ve heard my mother’s screams. She caused that pain. She did that to them. And to me.”
Abhik got quiet and nodded. “At least you have someone to blame for your death,” he said.
“What do you mean?”
“You were killed by a living person. I wish I could have someone to be angry at. I died from a sickness that had been with me for most of my life. Who should I blame? Who should I be mad at? The doctors because they had no cure for me? My parents for giving me bad genes and an inheritable disease? I can’t blame any of them. Then maybe God? Should I throw myself at Jesus and try to beat him up when we enter Heaven because he didn’t cure me? For giving me this? I can’t do that. I don’t know his motives. I don’t know why God didn’t choose to remove my sickness. But at least I think I understand now why he let me die. I guess what I am saying is that I completely understand why you would want to have someone to blame for your death and your parent’s misery. We all would like to have that. But does it give you the right to condemn her to an eternity in hell? You are no more entitled to blame her than I am entitled to blame God.”
I was speechless. I had never looked at it that way. Of course Abhik wanted to be able to blame someone for his miserable life on earth and his too-early death. As I left him in the common room I realized that if I was to talk to Rosey anyway, then I at least owed her the chance to explain herself to me. I needed to ask her why she did it.
I went quickly downstairs and said goodbye to Mick. He asked if he should go with me, but I refused and told him I really needed to do this alone. With a sigh he gave me a “Good luck” and a lunch bag he had made for me. Soon I was flying through the air toward the psychiatric hospital. I had seen the last moments of Rosey’s life in the book and knew she would somehow get hold of a bottle of pills and then swallow them in her own room. So all I had to do was to go into her room and wait for her there.
She hadn’t arrived yet when I got there, so I placed myself in the only chair in the room and unpacked my lunch sack. Sandwiches and chocolate-dipped strawberries for dessert. Mick knew me too well. He had even packed a bunch of pickles for me to snack on when the cravings hit. I smiled while I ate. He was going to be a wonderful father. I just knew it.
Suddenly the door opened and Rosey walked in the room. I wondered why no one had stopped her since it wasn’t normal for Rosey to be walking on her own. My guess was that she had to have moved fast. She had to have grabbed the pills where they were left unsupervised, and then just walked toward her room, trying not to attract any attention. Rosey closed the door behind her and now she took out the small orange bottle of pills. I saw a smile planted on her face. She had been looking forward to this.
“Finally,” she mumbled as she opened the bottle and started taking the pills. First one by one, then she put handfuls in her mouth and swallowed them. Then she drank water from a white plastic cup next to her bed. When she put the cup down she went to the drawer and picked up the framed photo of her family. I felt a twinge in my heart. I had met those people. They were up there right now hoping to soon see their mother and wife again, hoping to be a family again.
I followed Rosey as she lay down in her bed and put the cover over her body and fell asleep while hugging the photo. I took in a couple of deep breaths as I saw how she slowly loosened her grip on life. I can never get used to this, I thought to myself. No matter how often I saw someone die, it was still tough beyond anything I could think of. A few seconds later it happened. Rosey’s spirit rose slowly from her body. Meanwhile the nurses had realized that Rosey was gone and stormed the room. There was a lot of yelling and people ru
nning in and out of the room, but neither I nor Rosey took any notice of it. We stood in front of each other and stared into each others’ eyes. I felt how mine were filled with anger and frustration. In hers I saw fear and anxiety. We didn’t speak or move before the Se’irims arrived. I heard their whispering voices and turned to see their pointy shadows on the wall. Rosey saw them too. She looked at me. Then she spoke with a trembling voice:
“Who are they?”
“Those are the Se’irims—evil spirits.”
“Have they come for me? Have they come to take me for what I did to you?”
“Don’t worry. They can’t touch you as long as I am here. But I won’t be long.”
“Wait. I know who you are.”
“Oh do you now? I guess you would.”
“I … I have no words to explain how sorry I am for what I did.”
“Sorry for what? For destroying my family? Let me ask you something. How could you do that after what happened to your own family?”
“I don’t know. If you only knew how often I have asked myself that very question. It has tormented me ever since. Why do you think I have lived like this?”
I sighed as she started to explain.
“I’d lost everything two years earlier. A … a man entered our home and killed my husband in front of me. Then he killed my daughter. I sat with her as she … I had her in my arms when she died. And I couldn’t do anything to stop it from happen. I couldn’t …” tears were in Rosey’s eyes now and I felt another pinch in my heart. “I couldn’t protect my own child.”
“I know your story,” I said while biting my lip. Seeing the pain in her eyes hurt me and made me want to run far away from all of this. “I know what happened to your family, so you don’t have to …”
“But I want to. I want to explain. I need to. I know I am going to hell for what I have done, but I am not leaving this world without at least letting you know how truly sorry and regretful I am for what I did. Please let me.”
I felt my heart beating faster and I had to take some more deep breaths to continue. “Okay,” I said. “I’ll give you that much.”
“I have no idea what happened to me after that night. I was in a very dark place and couldn’t find a way out. I didn’t want to find a way out. It hurt so badly that I was the only one to survive. Every day I wished that I had died instead of them. I really didn’t want to live. I let anger take over in my life. I constantly looked for someone to blame for my misfortune. I hated all people, I hated myself, and I hated God. I was so mad and I had no one to be mad at. The killer was gone. The police never found him, and I was soon forgotten. I was left alone in the darkest place you can imagine. I couldn’t figure out how to live in a world that had killed my baby and I couldn’t figure out how to live with myself. And I certainly couldn’t go back to that house again.
“So I moved away. I moved to a small cabin in the Colorado mountains, deep in a forest, where I lived alone for two years. Alone with my sorrow and hatred. I never saw one soul near the cabin and I only spoke with people when I went to get groceries in a small town nearby. I had no plan at that time, I had no future, and all I wanted was to hide from the world. But I couldn’t escape my sorrow, because it moved with me. It lived inside of me and wouldn’t go away. Oh, the guilt that was building up. I couldn’t bear to be around myself. Slowly the pain darkened my mind and took over completely. I relived that day in the house where my family was killed, every minute of the day. I kept looking for a moment where I could have reacted differently, where I could have done something to stop this from happening. I looked for ways to blame myself. And I kept finding them. And just as I was in my darkest place, you showed up.”
“Me?”
“Yes. You knocked on my door and spread light into my darkness and pain for the first time since that evening in the house.”
“I knocked at your door?”
“Yes. Out of the blue. In the middle of the forest in the mountains, there you were. You were lost, you told me.” Rosey reached out and touched my cheek gently. I pulled away from her. “You looked just like you do now. Beautiful, young, and filled with life.”
“That sounds weird. What was I doing out there?”
“I have no idea. You never told me. I was certain that God had sent you. I was certain you were Mandy who had been sent back to me. To get me out of my dark place. To shed light into my world.”
“You thought I was Amanda?”
“You look so much like her. I thought you were her Angel coming from Heaven to be with me. So I took you inside and gave you food. I thought God had given me my daughter back. You were very hungry and I made you a lot of food.” Rosey laughed. “I was so happy.”
“So what happened?”
“You wanted to leave. You said you had to go home, but I wouldn’t let you. I locked the door and kept you for days but you were crying and wanted to go home all the time. I couldn’t bear to lose you again. To lose my daughter again. I missed her so much, I couldn’t live without her. I couldn’t go back to that place again. I couldn’t be alone again. To see you leave would kill me.”
“So you killed me instead? That makes no sense?”
“No. I kept you in the cabin and all I wanted was for you to stay with me, but you refused. You kept crying and talking about your parents. And it made me so mad. It hurt me so badly.” Rosey writhed as she spoke, like she was feeling her pain all over again. Tears rolled down her cheeks as she spoke. “I just wanted you to stay a little longer. But you wouldn’t stop crying. So … so I grabbed you …around your throat. I swear I never wanted to … I just wanted you to shut up. I wanted you to never leave me again. But suddenly you became completely lifeless between my hands and I realized I had done something really wrong.”
I pulled further away from Rosey while slowly shaking my head. “So you killed me?” I had a huge lump in my throat that threatened to explode.
Rosey was crying hard now. She fell on her knees. “I am so sorry … I am … I don’t know how I could have …You have no idea how I have tried to punish myself ever since.”
“Where did you leave my body?” I said through clenched teeth.
“I buried it in a clearing in the forest. I put a little stone on top of it. In the spring it turns into a huge field of daisies. It’s a really beautiful place.”
“Why didn’t you tell the police where it was so my parents could find it and get closure?”
“But you have to understand that after this happened, I completely lost it. It’s not until now that I fully remember all the details. I have tried hard to remember but never could. You have to believe that I would have done anything to bring relief to your family. There’s nothing I would rather do, but I sincerely couldn’t remember anything. My mind had blocked it out. I just knew that I had killed someone and that I had to be punished.”
“I heard the nurses say there was dried-up blood on your clothes. My blood.”
“You were hurt when you came to me. You were bleeding from your knee. I think you had fallen. So I cleaned it for you. It was really bad. Maybe you even still have a scar.”
I nodded. I did, and felt my leg. I was biting my lip. I had no idea what to say to this story. My anger seemed to be gone. I was still mad at her, but she seemed so tormented, I felt like she had been punished enough. I still thought she was crazy, but she was no longer that same earthly person who was trapped in a dark place.
The Se’irims crawled closer and their whispering became louder. I stared into Rosey’s eyes and saw the fear as the Se’irims came closer, getting ready to take her with them.
“I know I fully deserve what I am getting,” she said. “But I want to thank you for listening to my story. I needed that. I could never expect forgiveness for what I have done, but at least it will give you some peace and closure, so you can move on with your life.”
“Ah. Shut up,” I said.
Rosey stared at me in surprise.
“I can’t do it. I can’t
let you go with them.”
“What are you saying?”
I grabbed Rosey by the arm and as I did a bright light filled the room and caused the Se’irims to withdraw with a hissing sound. “Follow me,” I said and soared toward the light with Rosey clinging to my arm, knowing her life depended on it.
Chapter 29
When I looked back a month later, I found that I had only scattered memories of the last three years at the Academy. It was like it was too much to take in all at once. The adventures I had gone through at this school had been massive. But most of them had been really good. I had grown and learned a lot about this new world and life, and about myself.
For me it wasn’t goodbye just yet, even though the school year was over. I had a summer and some of the fall before my baby would arrive. Our baby, I thought and gazed at Mick who was sitting next to me in the crowd, holding my hand.
The Graduation ceremony took place in the Butterfly Garden decorated with big flower arrangements in many different colors, some of which I had never seen before. Hundreds of spirits had come. Most of them were former students or relatives who knew their loved ones were among the graduates. A large choir of Angels sang beautifully and trumpets sounded. All of my teachers sat up front: Professor Grangé with his head under his arm; Mrs. Higgins with her pointy mouth and nose; the small Mrs. Ohayashi; the Archangel Raphael, my healing teacher; even Mr. Dhamdul who was floating in lotus position a few inches over his chair; and Professor Einstein, who congratulated me just before the ceremony for my big accomplishment of going back eight years in time.
“We will have to do an experiment with that one day,” he said.
“Sure,” I laughed and put both my hands on my stomach. “But first things first.”
When the Angels were done singing, Salathiel gave a big speech that ended with all of us throwing our graduation caps in the air. Then our names were called one by one and we had to get to the stage and receive our file.
