“Would you regret me?”
Despite everything, Evan smiled. “You’re so fucking conceited.”
Scott laughed, and then he sobered again. “Please, Evan. I want to find out what would happen. What if.”
“Not right now.”
“When are you going back to school?”
Evan sighed. “The second week in January.”
“Okay. You won’t go without letting me see you again? Promise?”
“Promise.”
Scott held out his hand, pinky finger extended. Evan walked over and hooked his own finger around Scott’s. For a second, they just looked at each other. It was only in that moment that Evan realized quite how much he’d missed his best friend.
Using nothing but their linked fingers as leverage, Scott leaned up and brushed his lips over the corner of Evan’s mouth.
“Happy Christmas, Evan.”
“Happy Christmas.”
AND IT was.
Sort of.
Evan’s mom loved the sketch he framed for her, crying over it for at least half an hour. Christmases of his childhood had never been particularly extravagant affairs. His mom didn’t have much money, and they didn’t have any family who lived close enough to celebrate with.
Instead they had their own traditions. On Christmas Eve, they went out and bought a tree, a real one in a pot so it could be planted out in the backyard after. Some of them took, others died, but they had a little copse of conifers now. These days Evan’s mom let him drink mulled wine instead of hot cider while they decorated, and a ham roasted in the oven.
This was his family. His whole life it had been Evan and his mom against the world, and that was just how they liked it.
Mark had been invited for Christmas dinner, and he’d accepted, which Evan was strangely pleased about. Evan liked Mark. He was a bit of a lone wolf; like Evan, he was an only child with only one parent in his life. Mark’s father lived in a care facility outside Charlotte and was delighted that Mark finally had a sweetheart to spend the holidays with. Mark had spent Thanksgiving with his father and would drive down again to spend a few more days with him after Christmas was over.
When Evan’s mom and Mark fell asleep on the couch late on Christmas afternoon, Evan went to his room to call Cael. Not that his mom would have minded if he’d made the call from somewhere else, but he wanted a little privacy for this.
His bedroom was warm, and Evan fell back onto his bed and stretched out before calling Cael. He answered on the second ring.
“Hang on, babe. I’m going to go upstairs.”
“Okay,” Evan said, smiling.
The sound of Cael’s footsteps came through the phone, then a slamming door.
“Shit. Happy Christmas.”
“Happy Christmas,” Evan laughed. “How are things there?”
“Insane. I swear there’s forty people in this house right now. How are you?”
“Good. I’m one of three. And the other two are asleep.”
Cael groaned. “Seriously? I want a Christmas like yours.”
“You say that now…. You’d get bored, I’m sure.”
“I’m sharing a room with two brothers and a cousin,” Cael said, sounding grumpy. “I’m excited about getting back to my horrible roommate. Can you imagine?”
Evan laughed. “It must be crowded.”
“It’s hell. Anyway. Tell me what’s happening there.”
Evan felt a rush of guilt. There was no other word for it.
“I ran into Scott. My friend from when I was a kid, remember?”
“The one you had a massive crush on?”
He couldn’t read Cael’s tone, not at all. “Yeah,” he said as his stomach churned. “That one.”
“Huh. How is he?”
“Good, thanks.”
“What happened, Evan? Just tell me.”
Evan blinked back tears. “He kissed me.”
“He kissed you?”
“Yeah.”
“So you weren’t an active participant in this kiss?”
“Cael, please don’t.”
“Don’t what? You just told me you kissed another guy. How the fuck did you expect me to react?”
“I don’t know! I don’t know.”
“Do you want to be with him?”
“No,” Evan lied. He hoped Cael couldn’t hear it. The lie. “He goes to college in fucking Wisconsin. It’s not like I have all these opportunities to cheat on you with him, Cael. It was one kiss, and I broke it off. I didn’t ask him for it, and….”
“And what?”
“I wanted you to know, so you wouldn’t think I was hiding it from you. If it had meant something, I wouldn’t have said anything.” He took a deep breath. “Are you going to break up with me?”
“I don’t know,” Cael said, and suddenly his voice was very small, almost broken. “You kissed someone else.”
“Someone else kissed me.”
“I need to think about it.”
“Okay.” Evan closed his eyes and dug the heel of his free hand into an eye socket. “I’m so sorry. I didn’t want this. You know how much I care about you, right?”
Cael made a choked noise. “Why did you have to do this today?” he whined. “Of all fucking days.”
“I’m sorry.”
“Yeah. Me too. Look, Evan, I need to go.”
“No,” Evan croaked. “Not like this.”
“I have family waiting for me. I’ll talk to you when we get back to school, yeah?”
“I can call you before then.”
“No…. I want to think about things.”
Evan nodded and sniffed. “Okay. I’ll see you soon.”
“Bye, Evan.”
Cael hung up before Evan had the chance to say anything else.
He flipped the phone shut, rolled onto his front, and buried his face in the pillow. He wanted to be under Cael right now, making out slowly and touching each other everywhere, too scared to take clothes off in case a roommate decided to return home early. He wanted to walk into ECU’s GLBT society holding Cael’s hand, feeling smug that he’d found someone on this campus, someone who thought he was worthy of dating.
But more than all of that….
He wanted to spend more time discovering what Scott’s tongue tasted like. He wanted Scott’s waist between his palms, Scott’s hair between his fingers. Evan wanted to know what would happen if they had an empty house and a few precious hours with the sure knowledge no one was going to interrupt them.
While he was sniffing and wallowing in a self-indulgent sulk, Evan’s phone buzzed in his hand. He checked the readout and then laughed to himself at the irony of it all.
Evan flipped the phone open again and hit the button to open Scott’s message.
Hi. What are you up to
Nothing much. Everyone here is asleep. You?
My brother is a dick and my sister is a demon.
Evan laughed, feeling the weight in his chest start to loosen. Before he could respond, another message came through.
Wanna go for a drive? I can come pick you up.
Evan’s hands seemed to move independently of what his brain was telling them to do.
Sure.
He quickly changed, pulling on a thick sweater over his T-shirt and finding his heavy boots. He didn’t want to think too much about what he was doing… of what Scott wanted from him.
He tried to make as much noise as possible as he went back downstairs, and it seemed to work. His mom was stirring when he went into the family room and sat down to lace his boots.
“Hey,” he said softly. “I’m going to go out with Scott for a bit. That okay?”
“Sure, honey,” his mom said sleepily.
“If I stay over there, I’ll let you know.”
His mom reached out her hand and squeezed his. “If you’re with Scott, I’m not worried.”
Evan swallowed around the lump in his throat. “Happy Christmas, Mom.”
A car beeped
outside, and Evan rushed to his feet, made sure he had his house key, wallet, phone, and the last wrapped gift from under the tree tucked into his jacket pocket before slamming the door shut behind him.
Scott had left the engine running and the heat on high, so it was almost stifling when Evan let himself into the passenger seat.
“Hi,” he said, grinning at his best friend.
“Fuck, it’s cold.”
Evan pulled the door closed and rubbed his hands together. Scott was wearing leather gloves, but Evan hadn’t bothered.
“Happy Christmas.”
“Ugh. I’m so over the holiday season.”
“Really?”
“Yeah. I love my family, but man, when they all get together….”
“Your grandma gets drunk and disorderly, and your grandfather—”
“Is a racist dick, yeah. You remember.”
Evan laughed. Scott was winding his way through the familiar streets of their hometown. It was almost eerie like this—dark streets, the houses lit up with brightly colored fairy lights, snow on the ground and on the roofs. Hardly any other cars passed them as they took the long loop around to their old high school.
“You been back here since we left?” Scott asked as he pulled over. The whole building was cloaked in darkness, and it seemed smaller somehow, from when Evan was here last.
“Yeah, actually. I stopped in to see Ms. Martinez when I was back for Thanksgiving.”
Scott’s family had spent that holiday as they always did, at his uncle’s cabin in the mountains. Evan had been there a few times when he was a kid, and “cabin” didn’t really do the place justice. It was more of a luxury hunting lodge with space to sleep about twenty people.
“You know there used to be rumors you were fucking her,” Scott said absently. He was still looking out the window, his reflection in it revealing his pinched expression.
“Seriously?”
“Yeah. You two were always close. And she gave you those ‘special projects.’”
Evan laughed. “Well, no. That was very not true.”
“You don’t sound mad.”
He shrugged. “Jocelyn is a friend. I suppose people are always looking for a scandal. And I guess rumors like that helped keep me in the closet for the last couple of years of high school.”
“That mattered to you?”
“I couldn’t have come out, Scott. Even with you there to protect me and the fact that I don’t give a fuck what anyone else thinks of me. It would have been hell.”
“You can’t know that.”
“I know what people are like now,” he said softly. “It’s not always easy.”
“I wouldn’t have cared.”
“I know.”
They were silent for a while then, looking out at the abandoned field where Scott had led his team to so many football victories. It hadn’t been that long ago, not in the grand scheme of things, but it seemed like a lifetime had passed.
Without saying anything else, Scott turned the engine over and took them out toward the beach, which was absolutely deserted.
“You wanna go jump in the ocean?” Scott asked with the twinkle in his eye that had gotten Evan in so much trouble during his formative years.
“Oh, hell no,” Evan laughed. “No way.”
“Come on. It’ll be fun.”
“Your mom is a nurse, Scott. Hypothermia isn’t fun. Just ask her.”
He laughed at that. “It’s warm in here. We’d dry off real quick.”
“I am not jumping in the ocean in the middle of winter.”
“You’re no fun.”
They kept driving, looping round to pass Katie’s house, and Andy’s, and Cassie Williams’. When they stopped in front of Scott’s house, Evan reached into his jacket and pulled out the wrapped present.
“Here,” he said, thrusting it at Scott.
“You didn’t have to get me anything,” Scott murmured, then grinned. He reached into the backseat of the car and pulled out a slim package.
Evan laughed. “Ditto.”
He watched Scott tear into the paper, then lift the lid on the small cardboard box.
“It’s Saint Christopher,” Evan said as Scott ran his fingers over the small pendant. “You know, the patron saint of travelers? I know you want to travel, so….”
Evan had found the pendant and chain at a small jewelry store when he’d been wandering around the city after class one afternoon. It hadn’t been particularly expensive, but Evan had been drawn to the pendant and the explanation on a small card next to it.
“It’s amazing. Thank you. Open yours.”
“Okay,” Evan said with a smile, feeling his face heat.
There were actually two things within the paper, one a CD jewel case with “Evan’s Mix 2006” written on the outside with Sharpie. The other was a slightly battered paperback.
“This is going to sound so gay,” Scott muttered, making Evan laugh. “It’s Walt Whitman poetry. I asked someone and… anyway. I thought you might enjoy it.”
“Thank you.”
Had his best friend really given him a collection of words by one of America’s most celebrated homosexual icons?
“And, you know. I’m sure your taste in music still sucks.”
“Asshole,” Evan said, punching him on the arm.
“Come on. I’m sure my mom will want to fuss over you.”
Evan carefully tucked the two gifts inside his jacket, not wanting them to get damaged. These things he would keep.
THEY GOT drunk on leftover mulled wine and whiskey, sitting on the floor in Scott’s family room and laughing at the rest of the family as they played a very controversial game of Monopoly. Scott and Evan had arrived too late to join in the game, which was already well underway by the time they got back to the house.
Lacey was quietly cheating, clearly succeeding because she was the only one not drinking. Evan watched as she helped herself to not $200 for passing Go, but more like $600. He snorted into his glass and decided whiskey and ginger ale was a fantastic combination.
“Is Lacey cheating?” Scott whispered into Evan’s ear, his breath hot and wet against Evan’s neck.
“Yes,” Evan said and collapsed into giggles.
Lacey looked over and scowled at them both, which only seemed to make the giggling worse, then winked and raised a finger to her lips.
Shh.
“I should go,” Evan said, tipping his head back to rest on the cushion of the sofa behind him.
“Nuh-uh,” Scott replied. “I can’t drive you. None of them can drive you. Lacey doesn’t have her license yet.”
Evan sighed.
“Stay, honey,” Scott’s mom called over. “I’m sure your mom won’t mind.”
“Thanks, Annie. I’ll text her.”
Evan turned his phone over in his hand a few times, then sent off a quick message to his mom. She was heading to bed anyway, knowing she’d need to be up early the following morning for her shift at the hospital. Mark too. The prospect of spending the next day alone wasn’t particularly enchanting, so staying was probably the better option.
“She says it’s fine,” Evan said with a grin.
“I’m sure we’ve got a sleeping bag around here somewhere,” Tom teased.
“Uh, fuck that.” Scott yawned, then slapped his hand over his mouth. “Sorry, Grandma.”
He earned himself a scowl for that and gave her a convincingly contrite smile.
“Coming to bed?” Scott asked softly. Evan nodded, hauled himself to his feet, and waved good night to the rest of the Sparrow family.
He and Scott had slept together in the same bed for sleepovers from the age of seven until somewhere around eighth grade. Evan remembered one particular night and the following morning in the vivid way bad memories always seem to stick.
Scott’s dad had offered to take Evan to a ball game since he had a spare ticket and Tom was away on some camping trip. They’d gotten back late, and since Evan’s mom was working
strange shifts and he didn’t want to wake her up, he’d stayed at Scott’s house.
His attraction to men was still woolly and unsure, but he was coming to the conclusion that women did very little for him, sexually at least. For a while, he’d thought his attraction to Scott had more to do with proximity than anything else. They showered together after gym, had been skinny-dipping more times than he could count, had generally grown up around each other’s bodies, and had a lack of shame. It was just boys being boys, right?
The next morning, Evan had woken earlier than normal with a strange sense of unease. He stretched, then felt a growing sense of horror settle over him. He’d come in his pants. And his whole groin was still pressed up tight to Scott’s thigh.
Scott was still asleep, or Evan thought he was, at least. But still… the inappropriateness was incredible, along with a hefty dose of shame and disgust. He’d humped his best friend in his sleep.
Evan had stumbled out of bed and to the family bathroom, praying he wouldn’t run into Scott’s parents or siblings on the way. There he’d washed himself and pulled his underwear off, balled them up, and stuffed them in the pocket of the basketball shorts he’d been wearing as pajamas.
It had taken a level of subterfuge he wasn’t familiar with to dispose of those underpants deep in a trash bag that was almost full and ready to be taken out.
After that it had been impossible for Evan to let himself sleep side by side with Scott again. Their families seemed to accept Evan’s protestations that they were too tall now to share a bed, and Scott had never said a thing.
Evan had never told him, convinced there was a special place in hell reserved for those who violated their best friends while those friends were asleep. If not hell, he was pretty sure there was a place for him in jail.
He pretended to be asleep already when Scott came back from the bathroom. It wasn’t difficult. The wine and whiskey were already giving him a headache, and his head felt like it was stuffed full of cotton wool.
“Evan?”
“Hmm?”
“You asleep?”
“I was, you asshole.”
Dreamspinner Press Year Nine Greatest Hits Page 12
