by Alan Bennett
Franz It must be the dye. What else could it be? I’ve just got engaged to be married.
Pohlmann takes the folder and goes in search of Kafka, but his office is empty. Miss Weber comes in.
Miss Weber Whatever it is, the answer’s no. Anyway he’s gone to look at a sawmill. (Takes the papers and glances at them.) No. No. You should know better than this.
She starts to touch him up, rubbing her hand over his thigh.
Pohlmann It’s a borderline case. He may be interested.
Miss Weber Don’t be ridiculous. Of course he’d be interested. He’s got enough on his plate.
Pohlmann and Miss Weber are seen from Franz’s point of view through the glass partitions.
He remarked on my new ear-rings. You haven’t.
Pohlmann grasps her breasts.
Pohlmann What lovely ear-rings.
As Pohlmann kisses Miss Weber he slips the folder on to Kafka’s desk. A telephone rings and Miss Weber goes to answer it. Cut back to Pohlmann’s office and Franz who has been watching them kissing. Pohlmann returns.
I’ve put it on his desk. Come back tomorrow.
Franz What I want is an independent medical examination. By a specialist. It must be the dye.
Pohlmann I’ve put it on his desk.
Franz I just got engaged.
Pohlmann So you keep telling me. Come tomorrow.
Franz goes. Lily is waiting for him and they go together.
INT. GYMNASIUM. NIGHT
Franz (Young) exercising at night on the rings in the moonlight.
Franz (Old) (voice over) I’d started going to the gym at night. I didn’t want anybody to see my skin. At the Institute where I did want somebody to see my skin, nobody would look. I went again and waited.
Mix through to:
INT. OFFICE AREA. DAY
Petitioners waiting, including Franz and Lily.
Lily (looking straight ahead) Do you hear that? Because I can hear a river. I never used to be able to hear a river. They say, ‘Well, a river’s nice to hear.’ Not in your own head it isn’t. The first thing I’m going to get is some new chair covers. Delayed concussion.
Pohlmann and Culick are already in their offices, when Gutling storms in, in a towering rage. He wrenches open the glass partition between his and Culick’s office.
Gutling How long have I been in this department?
Culick I thought it was five years.
Gutling I thought it was five years, but it can’t be. Because when the Head Clerk wants someone to make a presentation to the Director does he ask me? No, he doesn’t. He asks Doctor Kafka who’s only been here one year. So maybe I haven’t been here five years. Maybe it only seems like five years. Maybe I only came here yesterday. Maybe I don’t work here at all. Well, we’ll see about that. Because I am now going to start making my presence felt.
He goes out of the office down the line of waiting Claimants.
Docket. Show me. Come on. Docket. Docket. Docket. (Examines one.) Well, you don’t belong here for a start.
Claimant I was told …
Gutling You mustn’t believe what you’re told. Not in this place. I was told this was going to be a job with prospects. I don’t care what you were told. This is a P48. It is not our pigeon. Out. Out. Out. Out. (To Claimants in turn) You’ve no business here either. Out. Out.
Then it is Franz’s turn.
Out.
Franz I’m supposed to see Doctor Kafka.
Gutling Doctor Kafka is a busy man. Doctor Kafka has factories to inspect. Doctor Kafka has a speech to prepare. Out. Out. Out. Out. Out.
Gutling pushes Franz and the others out.
INT. LIFT. DAY
Kafka’s calm face coming up in the lift.
Gutling (voice over, screaming) Out. Out. Out. (many times)
Cut to high shot of the lift coming up.
INT. OFFICE AREA. DAY
Cut back to Gutling expelling the rest of the Claimants.
Gutling Back, madam, back to where you came from. Out. Out. Out. Out!
He shoves the last of the Claimants out and turns to face the audience of Clerks and Secretaries who have come out of their offices to watch his mad behaviour. Nervously they go back to work as Gutling barges through them to his office.
INT. CORRIDOR/STAIRS OUTSIDE ROOM 404. DAY
Kafka walking towards the office, puzzled by the stream of Claimants leaving.
INT. OFFICE AREA. DAY
Miss Weber, in the process of handing out coffee to the Clerks, walks down the corridor between offices and meets Kafka.
Miss Weber Someone’s on the war path.
Kafka sees Gutling fuming at his desk and approaches.
Kafka Charles.
Gutling rises to meet Kafka at the doorway.
I want to see this young man. He’s a dyeworker. Some sort of eczema.
He has been looking in a folder.
Gutling Gone. I’ve just sent him away.
Kafka Ah.
Gutling He wasn’t our responsibility.
Kafka I’m sure you’re right. You’re always right. Incidentally…
(Kafka draws Gutling aside. They move off down the corridor.) I’ve been landed with a speech of farewell to the Head of Department, I was wondering … could you give me a pointer or two?
It is an exercise in pure charm. They stop.
Gutling Happy to.
Kafka How’s mother?
Gutling She’s well. Very well.
Kafka (going) Good. Good. About this dyeworker. Can you … retrieve him?
Gutling Ah!
He is nonplussed but Culick, coming out of his office, saves Gutling’s face.
Culick I think I fancy a bit of a promenade myself.
INT. MAIN HALL, OUTSIDE INQUIRIES OFFICE. DAY
The Inquiries Clerk stamps Franz’s docket. Franz now has another piece of paper clipped to his growing sheaf of documents.
Inquiries Clerk 452 … next!
Franz is walking across the large hall, when a Man runs down the steps and through the hall.
Man (shouting) I’ve got it. I’ve got my claim. I’ve got it. I’ve got my claim. I’ve got it. I’ve got it. I’ve got it … My claim … I’ve got it, I’ve got it, I’ve got it. I’ve got my claim. I’ve got it.
Franz shows his docket to an Attendant.
Attendant 452!
Franz moves off.
INT. CORRIDOR. DAY
Franz walks away from a stairwell and along a corridor. He passes a gents lavatory and goes in. We hold on the corridor as Culick rounds the corner and strides straight past the gents.
INT. TALL WOMAN’S OFFICE/CORRIDOR. DAY
A Tall Woman stands in front of a mirror. She sees how she looks with a bundle of assorted documents. She is still gauging the effect of this when Culick comes in.
Tall Woman (still looking at herself) To what do we owe this pleasure?
Culick We’ve lost a claimant. Inquiries said they’d sent him up here.
Tall Woman I haven’t seen him (Turns towards him.) You’re talking to someone who’s just received a summons to the fifth floor.
They go out into the corridor and she locks the door.
Culick If he surfaces, point him back upstairs, would you? I’ll do the same for you sometime.
Tall Woman Can I have that in writing?
The Tall Woman and Culick go along the corridor and exit. The corridor is empty for a second then a Child with a broom much too large for it comes out of a door and plays at sweeping. Franz coming along the corridor sees the Child just as the door opens and a hand pulls the Child inside again. The Child screams ‘Ow’. We hear a slap. Franz tries the door of the Tall Woman’s office (452). It is locked. Franz now begins to wander about the Workers Accident Insurance Building.
INT. CORRIDOR/WAITING ROOM. DAY
Franz walks down a wide corridor, through some strange wooden barriers, towards the Tribunal waiting room.
One-Legged Man (voice over) They were
very pleased with me at the hospital. The doctor said, ‘You got that fast in the loom?’ He said, ‘Well, you’re lucky.’ He said, ‘If I’d had to take it off in the theatre I couldn’t have done it cleaner than that.’ And he said, ‘You’re fortunate in another respect’; I said, ‘Yes?’ He said, ‘You’re an extrovert.’ He said, ‘You’ve got the right attitude of mind.’ I said, ‘I have.’ It’s a bit unsightly, but I’m not incommoded. In some respects the reverse. More room in the bed; more scope for manoeuvre. I haven’t noticed the wife complaining. (Laughs.) Mind you it’s a wonder I didn’t lose more than a leg. I pointed out there was no cradle on the shaft. After I’d had my accident I said to the foreman, ‘You haven’t got a leg to stand on.’ He said. ‘You can talk.’
By now, Franz has come upon a long line of people sitting waiting outside a pair of double doors. A uniformed Attendant guards the doors. We now see the One-Legged Man whose voice we’ve been hearing.
He said, ‘They’ll claim you were drunk.’ I said, ‘Drunk? Pull the other one.’ He said ‘What other one?’ I said ‘Precisely.’ (Guffaws.) You have to laugh. Anyway, last lap.
Man Without Ear End in sight.
One-Legged Man Where will you go tomorrow? Eh? Where will you go? Won’t know you’re born.
Man Without Ear It’s a way of life. (Addressing the Attendant) You’re used to it, people coming and going. It’s our big day.
Attendant Keep it down, keep it down.
Franz sits down next to the One-Legged Man.
One-Legged Man Here you are. Sit this side. More leg room. Ha ha. (Takes Franz’s dockets and looks at them.) I say. This brings back memories.
Shows it to Man Without Ear.
Man Without Ear Eh?
One-Legged Man I say, ‘This brings back memories.’
Man Without Ear Oh my goodness me!
Franz I’m wanting a certificate to see the doctor.
Man Without Ear What doctor?
Franz Their doctor.
One-Legged Man You haven’t seen the doctor? Hey. He hasn’t even seen the doctor!
Man Without Ear He hasn’t seen the doctor.
This information passes down the line and Franz becomes an object of scrutiny. They should be reminiscent of characters in Alice in Wonderland.
Attendant Keep it down. Keep it down.
One-Legged Man How long have you been coming?
Franz Today.
One-Legged Man This is your first day? Listen, it’s taken me six months to get this far.
Bald Man (taking off his wig and rubbing his totally bald head) It’s taken me a year.
Franz Not every day?
Maimed Woman All I want is to be a normal person.
Attendant Keep it down. Keep it down.
One-Legged Man I went three months and never heard a thing.
Man Without Ear You haven’t assembled any documents. You’ve got to assemble documents.
Franz I just want to see the doctor.
One-Legged Man Well, this isn’t the doctor. This is the Tribunal. It’s the Panel is this. You don’t belong here.
Franz What should I do?
One-Legged Man Don’t ask me. We don’t want them upsetting. You’ve no business here. Now clear off. Go on, clear off. We want it all plain sailing. Bugger off. Go on.
Man Without Ear (simultaneous with above) Go on. Go on, get out.
Their attention is distracted by the door opening. A Claimant comes out. Sudden silence.
Attendant Next.
A Girl goes into the room while the others question the Claimant who has just come out.
Maimed Woman Well?
Claimant I made a good impression.
Maimed Woman How many are there?
Claimant Three. One doesn’t speak. Just looks.
Maimed Woman Looks?
Claimant I was missing my birth certificate. One of them said could I give them my word that I had been born.
The others laugh.
They all laughed.
Maimed Woman Laughed?
Claimant They said now to try and lead a normal life.
Attendant All right, all right.
He ushers the Claimant out. Man Without Ear shakes his head.
Man Without Ear Disallowed. They always tell you. In the last stage, they always tell you.
Attendant Now make sure you’ve all got your documents. And that they’re in the right order.
They all look through them like Alice characters. Franz goes up to the Attendant to show him his docket. The Attendant waves it away.
Are you on this list? Not interested. Not interested. List only. Out! (He pushes Franz out.)
INT. UPSTAIRS CORRIDOR/ROOM. DAY
Franz comes along another upstairs corridor, less grand, more attic-like than the other. Lily is sitting on a chair outside a door.
Lily Where do you want? (Looks at Franz’s docket.) They’ll take that in here, yes. My documents have just gone in. They’re studying them now, possibly.
A Girl comes along the corridor carrying a mug and a comb.
Hello, Teresa.
The Girl ignores her.
Their dog’s poorly. She’s got a lot on her mind.
Franz is increasingly dubious of this woman.
Franz I’m not sure I shouldn’t tell them I’m here.
Lily No. You’ll go to the bottom of the pile. (Pause.) The girl said last week my file was taken out by the Assistant Manager. Of course I know them all here, I’m like one of the family.
Another Girl passes.
Sheila …
(to Franz) Sheila. I’d liked to have worked in a place like this. A sedentary occupation but with some coming and going. Banter. Whip-rounds. Relations between the sexes. Sat at home, it’s no game, is it?
Franz listens at the door. She gets agitated.
Come away. They’re just digesting the facts.
Franz Get off.
Lily No, you’re young. You don’t understand.
Franz Look. I could be stuck here all day.
He pushes Lily back into the chair quite violently. He knocks on the door. Quietly. Then louder. He opens the door. There is a broom. A bucket and some newspapers on the floor.
There’s nobody here. Come and see.
Lily No. I’ll wait till I’m called.
Franz There’s nobody there. Look.
He drags her towards door.
Lily Don’t shout. There’s offices everywhere. Leave off. I’m a woman. I’ve had a head injury.
Franz It’s an empty room.
He pushes her into it violently.
Lily Stop it.
Franz It’s empty.
Lily (simultaneously with the above) You’ve just got to be … patient.
Franz Look at it.
Lily (on her hands and knees) You’ve no business …
Franz … empty!
Lily (picking up the old newspapers) Look, these are important.
Franz They’re not important. They’re rubbish.
Franz hits her with some newspaper.
Lily That’s wicked, wicked. You’re not supposed to hit women, everybody says.
Franz runs up the steps leading up out of the room.
Franz You’re mad. You’re wrong in the head.
He throws some papers on to her head.
Lily These are important – these are to do with my case.
Franz You’re mad.
Lily You’re young. You don’t know.
Franz is running up a winding staircase littered with papers. We see Lily far below him. He then runs along a high, narrow corridor.
(voice over) Papers, facts, they all come into it, possibly. You’ve got to keep track. You … you don’t understand.
INT. SMALL HALL/BALCONY. DAY
Franz climbs a poky staircase, which we see from above as if it is a vortex. He comes through a door and on to the balcony of a hall, like a small concert hall where the Tribunal is sitting. Three Men are sitting behind a table o
n a platform. Standing before them is a Girl naked.
Thin Doctor (reading out a report) … breaking the left arm and causing widespread abrasions to the chest and abdomen the scars from which you can plainly see.
Angry Doctor Well, not all that plainly, surely?
Thin Doctor Quite plainly. Look. Raise your arms again. Yes.
Fat Doctor Yes.
Thin Doctor (sweetly) Go on, shall I? She reports some loss of feeling on her left side.
Angry Doctor ’Course she does. She’s not stupid. Some dozy general practitioner has probably said to her, ‘Do you have any loss of feeling on your left side?’ and lo and behold she suddenly finds she’s got some loss of feeling on her left side.
Thin Doctor (patiently) Her doctor reports there to have been some personality change.
Angry Doctor Probably the same doctor.
Thin Doctor She is subject to violent changes of mood, incapable of sustained attention.
Angry Doctor I don’t believe any of this.
There is a silence.
Thin Doctor I beg your pardon?
Angry Doctor Has it ever occurred to you that everyone who comes before this panel has, prior to their accident, been of a sunny and equable disposition, capable of long periods of sustained attention, unvisited by headaches or indeed any infirmity at all, the mind alert, the body in perfect order, a paragon of health. Take this young woman. Previously a cheerful soul, she is now said to be anxious and depressed. So? Previously an optimist she is now a pessimist, is that such a bad thing? One could say that this accident has brought her to her senses rather than deprived her of them. She now takes a dim view of the world. So do I. She can’t keep her mind on the matter in hand. Nor can I. She winces when she looks in the mirror. So do I.
Thin Doctor She’s crying.
Fat Doctor So am I.
Angry Doctor We cannot compensate people for being cast out of Paradise. All these sheaves of reports are saying is ‘I didn’t know how lucky I was till this happened.’ So? Now they do know. They have achieved wisdom. And a degree of self-knowledge. They should be paying us, not we them. We appear to have a visitor.
The Angry Doctor has spotted franz. The Thin Doctor stands up, angry. The Woman covers herself up.
Thin Doctor What are you doing here?
Franz I want someone to tell me what’s wrong with me.
Thin Doctor You’ve no business here. This is outrageous.
Fat Doctor stands.
Fat Doctor The idea.
