It was a good question, and I hoped my answer wouldn’t make him think I was strange. “I don’t have the urge to eat out. My Mom is a really good cook. I figure once I go to college, there will be plenty of time to eat unhealthy. “What I didn’t say was that I was trying not to gain back all I’d lost. Eating this Chinese would mean extra miles. But he didn’t have to know that.
Mumbling a response, he took another bite. I figured now was as good a time as any to ask my own questions. His mood seemed better, and frankly I didn’t want to have a relationship with someone I was on eggshells with all the time. “So, Lucy stopped by my locker after school today.”
That gave him pause. I couldn’t gage his response so I just gave it a second more to marinate. “She warned me that you were just using me while you waited for her to take you back.”
Swallowing, he burst out in loud guffaws. I took this to mean that I was correct in my assessment of Lucy’s delusions. “She said that?” he asked when his laughter subsided. I nodded. “You didn’t believe that, did you?” Shaking my head, he said, “Good, but that was truly funny.”
I hadn’t believed her but his boisterous laughter only made me wonder more. Lucy didn’t have a reputation as being a psycho. So, on some level she really must have thought he was into her. “What was between you two?” I asked.
The remnants of his laughter died. “She was convenient, that’s all.”
“Convenient for what?” I asked dumbly. My mind had been on Allie. He had her in some weird friends with benefits relationship. The look he gave me said it all. “Oh, I see.” Now was the moment, so I just let it slip. “What does that make me?”
Putting the chopsticks down, he reached out to me with his hand. Rubbing his thumb over my lips, he said, “You’re my girlfriend.”
“I am,” I said, adding to how stupid I sounded. He shook his head yes. “What are your expectations?” I asked. As much as I wanted to be with him, I needed to know if he was going to be okay if I wasn’t ready for things he may be used to.
“I have none,” he said, never taking his eyes from mine. I didn’t speak. “Oh, you mean sex.” I nodded. “I’m a guy. So I think about it. But I can wait however long until you’re ready.”
Moving to take my fork to the food, he picked up his chopsticks and fed me a bite. Chewing slowly, like my mother taught me, I thought long and hard about my next question. Some may have believed I was sabotaging my relationship. But truthfully, Lucy had put some fear into me. This guy could be considered out of my league. I had to know he was sure about me and how different I was to other girls he’s dated. “And how long are you willing to wait.”
He had a mouthful of food, so I didn’t take the silence as a bad thing. It was poor timing on my part to ask a question when he was taking a bite of food. Once he finished, he said, “I’m willing to wait for however long it takes.”
“And what if I don’t ever want to?” I asked, trying to get him to really think about this.
“Jess, sex isn’t everything. Don’t get me wrong, it’s great. But doing it with some girl you want to forget in the morning and who you desperately hope will lose your number isn’t all that it's cracked up to be.” Shocked by the blatant honesty of his words, I just blinked in response. “Stop over thinking this,” he said. “Let’s just be.”
Lying in bed that night, I didn’t know who I was fooling. Ethan’s presence heated my blood. My nerve endings tingled whenever I was around him. And this just didn’t start. I had to admit it had always been that way since the first day I met him. Josh was great for a time, but he never made me feel this way. Which was why it was so easy to let him go. Not wanting to think of myself as easy, I knew that if Ethan made a move, I would give in.
The morning brought fireworks. “Jessica Shelby, what have you done to your hair?” My Mom cried out. I hadn’t expected her to be home, but lately she’d been here in the mornings. Before I could answer, my father came in and starred at me. Kyle followed. Jenna was gratefully missing.
“I just needed a change,” I said simply.
My Mom having no answer stood with her mouth gaping.
Kyle said, “Damn, Jess, I wouldn’t have guessed that was you.”
“Kyle, language,” my father admonished. “Jess, it looks nice,” he added tactfully.
“Thanks Dad,” I said giving him a warm smile. “And thanks, Kyle. That was kind of what I was going for.”
Picking up an orange and a buttered English muffin, I walked outside already having my backpack on. No need to stay for my Mom to find her tongue.
I was on autopilot to Bradley’s house when I saw Ethan at my curb. “Hey,” I said shaking off my shock.
“I may not be allowed at school today, but I can take you there,” he said. His suspension would last through the week.
“You didn’t have to,” I said. “Thanks.”
Bradley was outside a few doors down looking at us. I waved to him, and he waved back getting my message. While he got in his own car, I hopped into Ethan’s massive SUV. “No motorcycle,” I teased.
“I knew you were expecting me. I wasn’t sure if you would be wearing a skirt,” he said.
“Well, as you can see, I’m not,” I teased back.
“Much to my disappointment, or not,” he said, raking his eyes over me. I was wearing skinny jeans that hugged every curve I had.
Cheeks flushing, we drove to school where he parked and we proceeded to make out in earnest until the first bell. “I’ll pick you up if you don’t mind.”
“Can’t wait,” I said. Getting out, I saw Lucy standing off in the distance with smoke coming out of her ears. Too bad, I thought. He’s mine.
With Ethan and Josh both absent from school, the rumors died out by midweek. The biggest rumor was my hair color change. Madison and Bradley were both appalled, but supportive. Jenna didn’t look at me. I spent most of the week, having half a dinner with Ethan in the afternoons and half a dinner at home with my family. The time spent with Ethan couldn’t be considered studying. He’d given me his locker combination to bring books home for him. I was pleased that he trusted me enough. If things went south between us, the school wouldn’t be sympathic that I knew his combo give him a new locker. Seeing me at his locker only made Lucy more furious.
Interestingly enough, Jenna didn’t jump on the “I hate Jessa” party Lucy was spouting. Jenna spent lunch on the sidelines, apart from her friends even at the same table. She looked a little lost and sad. Billy had moved on, or at least was making a show of it. He had his arm wrapped around another girl at the opposite end of their table.
I should have relished that my sister got what she deserved. But I was cracking.
“You should talk to her,” Madison said, catching me looking in Jenna’s direction.
Turning back to my friends, I said, “No, if she wants to, she can come to me.”
Sibling rivalry was apparently taboo because my friends left that alone. Bradley unusually quiet as was Madison. They weren’t making the googly eyes at each other. That’s when I remembered. They were going to do it. What a bad friend I’ve been. I hadn’t even asked Madison about it.
“I have to go to the media center before class, “ Madison said. “I’ll see you guys later.”
“Bye,” I said. Bradley said nothing. “What is going on?” I asked once Madison was out of earshot.
Guilt crossed Bradley’s face. “I told her,” was all he said.
He didn’t have to elaborate. I knew. “You what?”
“We were going to, you know. And I just thought she should know all about me before we took that next step,” he said.
“And?” I retorted.
“And, she was shocked. She said she needed time,” he said, not really looking at me but focusing on the table.
Placing my hand on his, I said, “I’m so sorry.”
“No, it’s cool. She should know.”
“It will be fine,” I said. He agreed without words. Patting his hand,
I said, “I’m going to go talk to her.”
Not stopping me, I figured he was okay with it. Dumping my trash, I headed out the door, but I was stopped. “Why’d you do it?”
Looking at a face that was all too familiar, I said, “I needed a change.” That had become my mantra.
“I never meant to hurt you,” Jenna said.
“Really,” I said, getting upset. “I mean kissing my boyfriend isn’t hurting me.”
“You were never really into him, and you know it. It was always that Ethan guy,” she said, countering me but not really sounding angry. I remained quiet.
“I’ve always liked Josh, I just couldn’t admit it. It doesn’t matter because he doesn’t want me now. He still wants you,” she said sadly.
“Was it worth it?” I asked. “You hurt Billy to get Josh and now you have neither.”
“No, Jessa, it’s freaking awesome,” she said sarcastically, sounding more like herself.
“Whatever,” I said, starting to walk away from her.
“You could talk to Josh for me,” she said to my back.
Spinning on my heels, I said, “Wow, that’s very big of you. But how about no.”
“Changing your hair color doesn’t stop the fact that we are sisters,” she said.
“You're right about that. We are sisters, and I wonder how you forgot,” I said, then left with the last word.
The bell rung, so talking to Madison was out. I went through the rest of the day wondering what I was going to say to her.
Outside, my eyes locked with Ethan. He was stunning in the sun, leaning on his motorcycle with a smirk.
“Darn,” Madison said, showing up on my side. “I was hoping to catch a ride with you.”
Taking her arm, I pulled her off to the side onto the grass so that people wouldn’t have to walk around us. “Madison, Bradley loves you,” I said.
“Yeah, and he likes guys, too,” she said. When I didn’t appear properly shocked, she narrowed her eyes. “You knew.” I nodded and she accused, “And you didn’t tell me.”
“It wasn’t my place to tell you, and I encouraged him to tell you,” I said.
Shaking her head in disbelief, she said, “But he didn’t.”
“Um, that was my fault. I told him not to when he was. And well, look see, you are overreacting.”
Her eyebrows shot up. “Hear me out. He didn’t say he cheated on you?”
“No,” she said.
“So what’s the difference? When you know he likes girls, do you think he is looking at everyone assessing whether or not he should cheat on you with one?”
Defeated, figuring out where I was going with this, she stated, “No.”
“Okay then. So he finds guys attractive. That doesn’t mean that he is searching for a potential boyfriend. You know him. He was your friend long before he was your boyfriend. At the very least, you owe him your friendship and allow him to explain.”
“You’re right,” she said. She moved with purpose through the other students, making her way over to Bradley. He sat on the hood of his car. I couldn’t hear what they said, so I just watched. Lightly she punched him on his arm. I say lightly because he didn’t flinch or move. Then, she said something to him, and he took her hand in his. Their fingers didn’t interlink. He smiled and they made their way to opposite sides of the car and got in. When they drove off, I could only hope it would work out. Bradley would be heartbroken otherwise.
With that problem well on its way to being solved, I shifted my stance. With a twinkle in my eye, I took in my gorgeous boyfriend and made my way over to him.
Chapter Thirty Two
The rest of the week went by much like old times. Madison and Bradley were talking, but she hadn’t progressed back to hand-holding. I left it alone, not wanting to influence either of them. They were both my best friends. We even did a movie night at Madison’s house. Ethan was there. I’d forewarned him of their rocky relationship at the moment, so we didn’t give them any PDAs.
It was the next day that proved to be more interesting. Despite the late hour we left Madison’s house, Ethan showed up at my house that next morning a little before ten. I’d gotten up late, yet I still did an abbreviated run. I wasn’t sure what to wear. When I looked at him, I gauged his dress and ran back to my room to change into one of the two outfits I had laid out. He wasn’t quite dressed up, but he was wearing nice slacks and a button-down shirt. So I opted for what I’d like to call a Sunday dress. Something you could wear to church or an event with family. It was the kind of dress that wasn’t shapeless, but being a bit more conservative landed just above the knee. The blue color was just a tad more vibrant than navy.
Coming down the stairs, I saw Ethan’s slight smile and wondered if I’d chosen wrong. Then, he took my hand and said, “You look lovely.”
His mood didn’t improve much, and the long drive made me long for yoga pants. Still, I wasn’t sure where we were going. Music played in the background filling the void of lack of conversation, and Ethan looked lost in his thoughts. I found the change from highway to small town life a sign that maybe we were reaching our destination. When he parked, I had my hand on the door when, having moved quicker, he opened it for me. Taking his hand, I let him help me out of the car like a Victorian lady from a romance novel. I stretched, having spent nearly two hours in the confines of a car with no conversation.
Lacing his fingers with mine, we walked down a quiet street with other pedestrians passing us by, but not in a busy street way. Traffic was steady but light. When we walked up the stairs to a red brick building, I almost mistook it for a church. It didn’t have a steeple, but it had a church kind of feel. This small town was old yet well maintained. The name etched into the glass of the front doors revealed that we were in fact at a restaurant.
Happy for my dress, we walked in and were greeted immediately by a hostess wearing a genuine smile. Ethan gave her his name, and we were seated. It appeared this was the type of place where you needed a reservation. This was a first for me. The dining room was small, and every table was occupied. The crisp white linen table covers loomed ominously at me. What if I spilled something? Everyone would see.
We were seated at a two-person table next to a wall about halfway into the dining room. Ethan looked better than he had all day. I was hoping this would be the change in the tide. “Don’t look so nervous?” he teased.
“You might be nervous if you had no idea what this day had in store,” I said before I could check my words.
“You’re right. I’m sorry. We still have a bit of a drive ahead of us, and I thought I would take you to lunch, breaking up the long drive. I’ve never had the chance to take you out. I thought the first time should be something really nice,” he confessed.
“I’m sorry. It’s okay. I’ve just never eaten anywhere this fancy before,” I said, shyly.
My hand that I’d placed on top of the menu was covered by his. “Thank you for coming with me today,” he said. Still he gave no clue what our final destination was.
Our waiter walked up then offering us a choice of distilled or sparkling water. This was when I really knew I was out of my depth. Not certain what distilled water meant, I went with sparkling. My mother would probably chide me with that thought because somewhere in my memory I’m sure she’s given me the knowledge.
Opening the menu, I was greeted with how much lunch would cost. That amount was more than my whole outfit. I listened to some of Ethan’s suggestions and ordered accordingly. He came alive as the meal was served, looking like something out of one of Mom’s restaurant magazines. The portions were uncommonly small, but oh so good. And we talked and giggled and tasted each other’s selections. This would turn out to be the highlight of the day.
After lunch, like Ethan forewarned, we drove a couple hours more. What I wasn’t expecting was to arrived in front of a basic cottage-style house in the middle of nowhere. It was mid afternoon, and I had no idea why we were here. It didn’t take long for me to f
igure it out. After parking, we didn’t walk in the house. Instead we walked to the back, and everything was clear.
When Ethan let go of my hand, after gripping it to a numb state, I stopped and let him continue his journey alone. I would wait, and if he needed me, I would go to him. Still I was close enough to read the grave marker of his father who had died a year ago today.
I’d seen many of Ethan’s emotions, happy, playful, solemn, pissed, drunk, and silly. Mostly, I’d seen him strong. With all the crap in his life, he’d seemed strong even when he’d been drunk, he still had it together. So when he collapsed to his knees and his body shook, my tears spilled for a man I never met. My tears fell for the guy my heart was falling for.
With emotion ruling me, I moved forward and embraced him. Not in a motherly way, I didn’t think that was what he needed. I wrapped myself in his arms like I was the one that needed to be held. And he held me for a very long time. When we finally moved, my legs were cramped, and the sun was making its disappearance.
“Can you get your camera?” he asked, his voice rough from not speaking for so long.
Handing me his keys, I walked to the car, figuring he needed a moment alone. I took my time going and coming back. With my camera in hand, I rounded the corner to see Ethan standing. He’d dusted off his pants because I could discern no dust or dirt. Holding a hand out to me, he said, “Come on,” with a gentle bending of his head in the opposite direction.
What I saw next took my breath away. We’d driven up and down mountains to get here. And looking over the valley below, I understood that feeling of being on top of the world. The view was stunning. The sun dipping low, and the fog that rolled in. The sky was a mixture of pinks, golds, and twilight blue. The camera came up. Click, click, click. I turned and took pictures at every angle. I even caught him in a few. His profile was amazing. Click, click, click.
Finding I was focusing on him, he turned and gave me a vulnerable smile. Moving towards me, I dropped my camera when his face was but an eyeball in the viewfinder. With spread fingers, his hand slid to the middle of my back just as his mouth descended on mine. There was a need in the crushing kiss that I opened myself to. Breathless, he asked, “Would you stay here with me tonight?”
Through The Lens Page 20
