I keep working, distracting myself to not obsessively check my phone to see if Ava’s sent me a message. It’s official. I’ve become a chick.
By the end of the day, I’m itching to call or text Ava. I’ve stayed at work later than my usual late nights to distract myself. I’d rather her say no than keep me tortured like this. I guess I deserve it, though. I can’t help it anymore. I need to ask her. Besides, I wouldn’t be me if I didn’t pursue what I want. I send her a quick text.
Hi, have you decided about Friday?
There it is; simple, not demanding or over the top, yet I am inquiring. I’m seriously over thinking this too much.
I’ll go with you, but we aren’t sleeping together. I’m not one of your whores. It’s just a date, and I plan on having fun with my friends.
I stare at the phone confused. Does she really think I see her as a whore? Fuck, Aiden was right when he said that’s what she’ll see me for from now on. I’d never think of Ava as anything less than the perfect woman she is. I don’t want to fuck her. I want to love her completely, crazy love that you lose yourself in. The love we had. I really am turning into a fucking chick. Put your pants on, Ethan, and man up. At least she said she was going.
I can just imagine how beautiful she’ll look. Although, she’s always beautiful. Even when she was sick, she was the most gorgeous woman I knew. No one could come close to her. Ava’s beauty isn’t just skin deep. She is the kindest, most loyal and compassionate person I’ve ever met. She deserves everything she wants. I still shudder at the thought of her almost losing it all and giving up.
That day was the second worst day of my life, I just didn’t know it yet. I thought I’d lose her forever. How was I going to live without her if she lost hope and gave up? If she died? The first worst day was actually losing her, but not to the cancer. That was all me, walking out of her life the way I did.
She had come over to my apartment, and I instantly knew something was wrong with her. My heart sank, thinking we were over. When she finally spoke, her words got caught in her throat as sobs escaped, trampling over the words she wanted so desperately to say. She looked like a mess, my beautiful mess. I knew it had to be something bad, but I was going crazy not knowing what was going on.
How could I help her if she couldn’t let the words out? I did what I could do and held her until she was ready to speak. She clung to me like I was the lifeline keeping her there with me. Maybe at that moment I was.
“Ava…” I whispered into her ear as I planted soft kisses along her jaw and a final loving kiss on her lips. She inhaled and exhaled deeply, using my own oxygen as her support, strengthening herself for what she was about to say.
“I have cancer.”
I hugged her tighter, feeding her hope and faith. Truth is, I’m not sure what the fuck hit me. I was trying to fill her with hope when I was just picked up by a twister and hurled into the air to free-fall into the black hole of hell.
Cancer? There had to be a mistake. What kind of cancer? How do I save her? And what the hell do I tell her now? My life was turned upside down, and although I was holding her tightly, I felt her slipping away.
“I love you.” It’s the truth. I love her with my entire being. Nothing would take her away from me.
“But…” she said, trying to gain control of her emotions but failing.
“Shh... There are no buts. I love you. I’m here. We will fight this together.” I was so scared. I could just imagine how she felt. She must have been terrified. I knew she was.
“It’s cervical cancer. They need to do a hysterectomy. I can’t have kids, ever.” She began to shake uncontrollably as I rocked her back and forth, soothing her as much as I could.
“I don’t care about that. All I care about is having you. Being with you for the rest of my life. And my life isn’t ending anytime soon, neither is yours.”
“What if… what if I don’t make it?” My heart began to race. There I was, sinking into the black hole, the devil waiting to greet me, and this devil’s name was fucking cancer.
“There are no what ifs. There is only one thing, and that is that you will make it through this,” I told her, but I knew deep down there was a chance she may not. She cuddled closer into me and held onto me tightly. We stayed like that for hours, until she fell asleep. Questions were bombarding my mind. How serious was the cancer? How advanced was it? Had it spread anywhere else? I was losing my fucking mind.
I needed to do something. I didn’t know what, but something. I needed to be able to make this right for her. My heart was breaking. This was something I couldn’t control or beat with competition. This was real, and it wasn’t going to go away without putting up a hell of a fight.
I tremble at the thought of that fateful night. To this day, I still feel like I’m stuck in that black hole, desperately seeking a light, a hand to reach out and pull me out of this living hell, but I haven’t found it yet.
When Ava left for Europe, I knew I had lost her completely. I always kept myself informed about her through my mom but never dared to actually confront her again until she returned a few weeks ago. Now that Ava has agreed to go with me to the gala, I feel like there’s a light offering an exit from this hell I’ve been living in.
Although Ava survived, I wasn’t there for her. That is something I will regret for the rest of my life. Therefore, I haven’t found the hope I had back when I was with her. I need her, desperately, to save me from my poor decisions and myself. I want to be the man I used to be. The man she fell in love with. I want to make things better and restore the damage I did when I walked out of her life over two years ago.
∞
I’ve hired a driver to take us to the gala. I want to make sure we relax and can enjoy ourselves while we’re there. After all, it’s open bar. I may have had an ulterior motive, too. If I’m not driving, I’m in the back seat taking in all that is Ava and enjoying her company without the distraction of driving. Tonight, I hope to show her exactly how much I love her and how happy we could be together.
I’ve picked up a single pink rose for her and am on the way to her apartment. I spoke to her yesterday and told her I would be coming by to pick her up at 6:30.
The driver stops in front of her building. Okay, show time. I walk out of the car and make my way up to her door. I knock and wait patiently. When the door opens, I’m not prepared for what I see.
Stunning. Absolutely fucking stunning. Actually, I’m not sure that’s enough to do her justice. She’s breathtaking. If this is for a gala, imagine how she’ll look on her wedding day. And I’ll be damned if I’m not the man meeting her at that altar.
“Hi. You look beautiful,” I say with my gaze fixed on her.
“Thank you,” she responds, and call me crazy, but I think she’s blushing. Her dress sparkles in the late afternoon light, bringing out the shine in her hazel eyes. Her leg peeks out of that slit that goes up to her mid thigh, giving me a glimpse of her bare skin. It’s going to be hard keeping my hands off her and not showing her off to the world as mine.
“This is for you.” I hand her the rose. She unconsciously brings it close to her face and smells the sweet scent closing her eyes in the act. “Are you ready?” I ask her, sweeping a strand of hair out of her eyes.
“Yes, let me just lock up.” When she turns to lock the door I notice her dress dips low on her back. God help me keep my control tonight. I want to prove to her how special she is, and I don’t think ripping this dress off her is the way to go.
I open the car door for her to slide in and walk around the car to settle in on the other side. “I’m happy you decided to come with me,” I say, wanting to reach for her and feel her skin on mine but knowing it’s not the time yet.
“I’m here as your friend, Ethan. Nothing else will happen between us. I hope you understand that.” She looks at me straight in the eyes, seriousness set deep in them.
“I know. That doesn’t mean I care less about you. And you aren’t a whore. I woul
d never think that of you. Don’t ever say that again.” I clench my jaw.
She sighs and looks straight ahead. “Whatever. Not far from the truth.”
I inhale deeply, choosing to end this conversation and move to something lighter. “How’s work?”
“Good. I really like it. Your mom came by on Tuesday. She was my first sale.”
“Oh, that’s great. She loves you. She’d do anything to support you.” So mommy dearest has been floating around like a fairy godmother. We’ll need to have a chat. If I know my mother, she didn’t just go to the gallery to buy artwork.
“She still has your photographs hanging in the house,” I inform her. Ava is a talented photographer. I always thought that would be her career choice, but she always said she wanted something more stable and her love of art was grand. Being a curator was her dream job. She’d say photography was a hobby that, if turned into a career, would feel like a burden, and she’d lose the love she has for it.
“Remember when you took those photos? It was the trip we took to Vail. We were going to ski but ended up staying hidden in the deep creases of the mountains doing anything but skiing. After you took the photos, we went back to the resort and stayed in the Jacuzzi until sunrise,” I say, smiling back at the memory. My mom fell in love with the photos, and Ava printed and framed them for her birthday that year.
“Remembering isn’t the problem. It’s forgetting.”
“Why would you want to forget?”
“Isn’t it obvious?” She raises an eyebrow at me.
“I’m sorry. I really am. I know those are just words. You’ll never know the torture I’ve put myself through for the shit I did. I’ll never forgive myself for walking out on you. For leaving you to break by yourself and taking hope with me.” I can’t look at her. “But it wasn’t because I didn’t love you anymore. You were always everything I wanted. I just couldn’t stand the thought of losing you forever. The thought of watching you die and be helpless. I couldn’t do anything to help you, to make things better. I wasn’t strong enough for you.” I rub my face with my hands and take calming breaths.
“I don’t want to talk about this,” she says firmly, and I know the conversation is over. I see the sadness in her eyes. She’s trying hard to swallow back the tears. I reach for her hand and give it a tight squeeze, but she doesn’t look my way. Her eyes are focused on the busy streets flying by us, faraway in thought, I presume.
A few minutes later, we arrive to the gala, and Connell meets us at the entrance of the Milesians Hotel.
“Good evening, Ethan. Glad you could make it.” He shakes my hand cordially. “And who is this beauty with you tonight?” He asks, smiling with mischief.
“Connell, this is Ava. Ava, Connell is the owner and genius behind Connell Energy.”
“It’s nice to meet you,” she says, extending her hand to him.
“Very nice to meet you, too. You must be special for him to bring you. He’s usually such a loner at these events. Kinda pathetic actually,” he tells her in confidence and winks at her.
“He is pathetic, isn’t he?” She says, smiling warmly.
“I can tell you have your hands full with this one, Ethan. Don’t let her get away.” He lets out a boisterous laugh.
“Trust me, I don’t plan on it,” I say, and he turns to leave, still laughing.
“So perfect,” I whisper in her ear before walking into the hotel. She shakes her head as if warning me not to go there. Maybe she’s playing the part of gala attendee by charming Connell, but her smile was genuine.
I loop her arm around mine and we walk into the ballroom.
“Ava!” Dan rushes to us and picks her up in a hug.
“Dan! Put me down!” She’s laughing freely at his greeting.
“I’m so happy you came, even if it had to be with this asshole.” He nods in my direction.
“It’s good to see you, too,” she says.
“What? I don’t get a hug? I thought you’d be excited to see me,” I mock him.
“Fuck you. I see you every day, and you’ve been PMSing lately.” Ava looks at me with curiosity.
I shrug at them and mumble, “Whatever.”
“Ava, you know Jess, my girlfriend.” Dan introduces them.
“Yes. It’s nice to see you again,” she says, smiling politely.
“It’s nice to see you, too. I’m happy you came. These two don’t stop talking about you,” Jess confesses and winks.
“So how’s work, Ava?” Dan asks.
“It’s great! I love it. The owner is fabulous, and I’ve sold two paintings already!” She is gleaming with excitement.
“Two?” I say. “You only told me about one. That’s awesome. Congrats,” I say, feeling a little jealous that she’s so open to Dan and can’t fucking talk to me like that when I ask her.
“Thanks,” she says, looking my way quickly and then focusing back on Dan and Jess.
“You’re made for the job. You should exhibit your photos,” Dan tells her. Bastard stole my idea.
“Maybe,” she says. “I took some great shots while I was in Europe.”
“I bet.” Dan nods.
“How long have you been taking pictures?” Jess asks.
“Since I was in high school. I took it as an elective and fell in love with the peace I found behind the camera. I took advantage while I was in Europe to document my trip through the lens.”
“Amazing. I would love to see them one day.”
“Absolutely!” Ava beams.
I’m just standing here watching the interaction taking place in front of me. Besides the jealousy I feel at her openness with everyone else that isn’t me, I can’t help but think how perfect this is. Dan and Ava have always been friends, but it seems she gets along with Jess, too. For a moment, I allow myself to pretend that Ava is mine again, and we’re here as a couple.
Watching her talk so passionately about her love for photography, making plans to show Jess her work, and laugh freely makes me want to leave this damn gala and take her somewhere clandestine and show her how much I love her. Please her until she begs me to stop, and then some more. Feel the warmth of her body under mine, and bury myself deep inside her until we’re both exhausted.
Chapter 16
Ava
I rush home from work to get ready for the gala. This week has flown by. Last night I had dinner with Ethan’s parents and it added to the memories I already have stored away in the back of my mind. I’m feeling anxious about seeing him tonight and definitely nervous.
As soon as I open the door to my apartment I am met with loud music and the muffled sound of Katie’s blow dryer. She must’ve showered already. Shit, I need to get ready quickly. Ethan will be here in an hour.
“Hi Katie! Jumping in the shower,” I yell, unsure if she’s even heard me above the blaring noise coming from her bedroom.
Once I’m done, I dry my hair. Thank goodness I have cooperative hair, and it doesn’t take much trouble to dry it straight. Katie will be helping me put it in a bun, so I really just need it dry.
“Hey there, sexy. I thought I heard something.” Katie walks into my room and plops on my bed. Her hair is already done to perfection, loosely curling at the ends, and her make-up is impeccable. She has a gift for applying make-up.
“I called out to you when I got home, but you were too busy with your music and drying your hair. I’m short on time, so I’m glad you’re all done up so you can do my hair and make-up.”
“Sounds good. Are you excited?”
“I’m nervous as hell. I haven’t been to an event like this in years, let alone with Ethan.”
“Well, if you need to escape for a bit with him I’ll cover your ass. Best way to end these events is with a bang.” She laughs.
“I’m not fucking Ethan in the bathroom like someone I know.”
“Hey! I didn’t fuck anyone in a bathroom. I just got a little friendly. Damn, no one will forget that, huh?” She lets out an exasperated sigh.
/>
“How could we? That was epic. Only you would do something like that at your parents’ anniversary party. I swear, sometimes I think you’re crazy.”
“Whatever, like they even noticed I was gone. Now let’s get you ready or Ethan will arrive and you’ll still be wrapped in that towel. Not that he’ll mind, but I doubt you’ll make it out of the house if he does.” She leaves me with the image of Ethan finding me in my towel and the possibilities that could occur. What a bitch.
She gets to work on my make-up using a naked palette for my eye shadow, keeping it simple and natural to not overpower the crystals on the bodice of the dress. She carefully applies black eyeliner on the top and bottom of my eyes, and sweeps my lashes with mascara. She finishes off the look with matte red lipstick.
After she’s inspected her masterpiece, she goes to my hair, parting it to the side, twisting and turning strands of hair at the front and gathering them to create an elegant side bun. A few layered strands fall and frame my face sweetly.
When I look in the mirror, I am pleased with what I see. I look fabulous.
“Thank you doll face! You really are a natural at this.” I beam at her.
“Ethan is going to flip when he sees you. Too bad I won’t be here to see his reaction, but I’m sure I’ll get a glimpse of it at the gala. He may kidnap you and take you away. I won’t be the only one getting friendly during one of these events.” She chuckles. “He won’t be able to take his hands off you. I see you having to put up a fight.”
“He knows nothing will happen between us,” I say, but that hot desire that has awoken within me since I saw him is burning deep in my core.
“Whether he knows it or not doesn’t mean he won’t want to. He’s going to suffer. I was right about the blue balls,” she says, walking out of my room.
I put on my dress carefully to not get make-up on it or ruin my hair, and I slip on the silver Jimmy Choo shoes I bought to complete the outfit. The tiny rhinestones on them compliment the bodice beautifully. When I’m ready, I step out of my room and head over to Katie to get her final approval.
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