by Cylin Busby
Mom went on: “As if no time had passed, as if Sarah hasn’t been through absolute hell. I mean, can you imagine, asking her to go running tomorrow morning? You should have seen Sarah’s face.”
It was comical, the idea that this thin, anemic version of Sarah would leap from bed tomorrow wanting to run to the track with Paula just like they used to. I thought, for a moment, when Paula suggested the idea of running at the track that Sarah would burst out laughing. But she seemed to consider it carefully, saying instead, shyly, I’ll think about it.
A car horn sounded from the driveway and we all startled. “That’s Tessa.” I grabbed my bag and a sweater and headed to the door. “I won’t be super late or anything.”
Both of their faces turned to me, fragile smiles and eager eyes. “Just have fun, kiddo,” Dad said, sounding like a father on a sitcom.
“Call us if you need a ride or anything, anything at all, okay?” Mom looked like she was ready to walk me out to the car and kiss my cheek but held her seat.
“’Kay, bye.” I tried to be casual as I closed the door behind me. I could feel their watchful gaze on me as I climbed into the back of Tessa’s mom’s car. Music was blasting, the heat was on high, and the car smelled of Tessa’s fruit-flavored lip gloss.
Tessa threw her arms around me, yanking me to her. “I’m so glad you decided to come! This is going to be crazy!”
Her mom turned down the music for a moment and backed the car from the driveway. “How’s it going, Nico? We have been thinking about you. Tessa says you didn’t make it to school all week.”
I took a deep breath and said the words I had been preparing in my head. “It’s been pretty strange, but good. We’re just really happy to have Sarah home.”
“I bet.” Tessa’s mom met my eyes in the rearview mirror. “How is she?”
I paused, wondering how to answer that. She’s different. “She’s really, really good. Still adjusting, but she’s really good.”
“Mom! I told you Nico isn’t allowed to talk about it. Can you turn this song up?” Tessa rolled her eyes at me and mouthed the word sorry.
“It’s okay,” I said. I looked out the car window at the lights in all the other homes we drove by, the flicker of TV screens. I longed to be sitting in the den at home, with my parents, watching a movie like we usually did on Saturday night. Just the three of us. I wondered if they would be doing that with Sarah tonight.
“. . . this could be good or it could be bad, because you know I always thought Alex sort of liked Kelly and acted like he didn’t just because she was with Liam, but I guess we’ll see tonight, huh?” Tessa was talking but I could barely keep up.
“Wait, when did Kelly and Liam break up?”
“Last week, you were out. I was going to call you, but, I mean, you were dealing with way bigger stuff.” Tessa pulled out a lip gloss and smeared it on just as her mom pulled in front of Liam’s house. Lights seemed to glow from every window and I could already hear a low bass line of beats escaping from the open front door.
Tessa’s mom said quickly, “You know the rules,” before unlocking the doors. “Text me when you’re ready to be picked up.”
“We’ll be good, promise. Love you, Mom!” Tessa called as we tumbled out of the back and up the rounded driveway.
“You’re almost a foot taller,” I had to point out. Tessa, usually tiny, was suddenly statuesque, matching my height.
“New boots.” She pointed down to her heels. “They kill! You don’t know how lucky you are to be tall.”
“Tess, are your feet, like, still growing, or are you the same size?” I asked as we reached the door.
“What?” Tessa pulled a funny face. “I’m a size six, have been for years. Why? Do these make my feet look big?”
I shook my head.
“No, tell me, Nico. Do they? You need to tell me now because I’ve hardly worn them and I can still take them back . . .”
“They’re good.” I couldn’t tell her the real reason I was asking. “Really.”
Tessa looked like she didn’t believe me as we went into the foyer and saw a group of kids from school in the living room. I had never been to Liam’s house, and was surprised to see how big it was. I knew he was an only child and lived with just his father. What did the two of them do in this place?
“Ladies!” Liam’s best friend, Miles, came over and flopped an arm around each of our shoulders. He turned to me. “Very surprised to see you here.”
“Leave her alone,” Tessa said, sliding out from under his arm.
“Not because of the whole ‘kidnapped sister returns’ thing, but you just never go to parties,” Miles pointed out.
“Whoa.” Idina walked by and did a double take. She grabbed both my hands in hers. “How are you?” She pulled me in for an uncomfortable hug. “I called you a few days ago, but I didn’t hear back—and that’s totally cool—but, oh my God, Nico!”
“Yeah, I know.” I nodded. “Sorry I didn’t call you, it’s been . . .” I shook my head, suddenly feeling tears in my eyes. Don’t lose it. Don’t cry, you fat stupid baby, you always cry about everything.
“So crazy, everybody has been talking about you, but you’re okay? Right? And your sister?”
I took a deep breath and willed myself to stay calm. “Actually, everything is really good. I mean it, like, excellent.” I tried to convince myself it was true. It was true.
“Of course she’s awesome, her sister is back.” Tessa looked over at me. “She’s not allowed to discuss it—ongoing investigation,” she added quietly. I could tell she loved being my official spokesperson, and I was happy to let her have the job. She ran her fingers through her curls. “God, is there anything to drink at this thing?”
As if a switch had been thrown, Miles pulled his arm from my shoulder and put a finger up to his lips, whispering, “Shhhhhhh, come with me, my pretties.” He led us through an arched doorway and down a flight of stairs into a cozy den with leather couches, a massive flat-screen TV, and a pool table. He pulled a couple of beers from a small fridge under the bar. “Liam’s dad and his girlfriend are upstairs, but they’re cool. Just don’t put any cold drinks down on the pool table—leaves a mark.”
He popped the cap off a bottle and handed it to me. “For the girl who needs it most.” He grinned. He offered beers to Tessa and Idina as well. I took a long swallow and let the cold bubbles travel down my throat. I didn’t love the taste of beer, but there was something about this one that felt right: I liked holding it, the shape of the bottle, and being in Liam’s perfect house with my friends. It felt normal, for the first time in a long time.
We found ourselves on a big leather couch talking to Miles and a few other guys from school. Some people asked, at first, about Sarah, or said things like “That’s so crazy!” but then, as Mom had predicted, the conversation moved on quickly: who was trying to get with Kelly, the freak-out that Idina had in chemistry when she got a 60 percent on her exam.
I scanned the crowded room for Max’s little brother, Gabe, knowing that seeing him would be the strangest part of the night, but it looked like he hadn’t shown up, and I was happy for it. The beer made the muscles in my neck relax and I felt warm, safe.
I stood up to head to the bathroom and was surprised to feel my legs loose and wobbly, as if I had played tennis for hours. I’d never had a whole beer before, and this one tasted strong. Under the dim light in the bathroom, I could see my cheeks were pink, my eyes glassy. No one had noticed my haircut, not even Tessa.
I washed my hands and the water came out really hot, almost scalding. I tried to remember everything I’d said. Had I answered with the right words? Was I acting the way I was supposed to? Everyone seemed okay with what I had told them about Sarah, but now I wasn’t so sure. My brain felt foggy, unreliable, like it had after Sarah disappeared and Mom gave me those pills to help me sleep and I couldn’t trust my own memory. There was a knock on the door. “I’ll be right out,” I said. I looked at myself one last time.
When I came out, I practically crashed into the chest of a guy standing right by the door. “Sorry,” I mumbled, not even looking up. A hand grabbed my arm and I spun around, alarmed, until I saw who it was: Daniel, a senior who worked on the school paper and yearbook staff with us. He was tall and cute, and had probably not actually spoken to me in the two years I’d been on the paper.
“Nico,” he said, looking down at me. A little smile crossed his face and I noticed he had a dimple on one side. “I didn’t know you were friends with Liam.”
“I’m not, really, I mean—” I fumbled for something to say. “My friend Tessa is friends with him. And I guess I am too.” I sounded like an idiot.
Daniel didn’t seem to really be paying attention to my garbled answer. “I heard about your sister, I had no idea—you never talked about it,” Daniel went on. “That’s crazy.”
I just nodded, not pointing out that I never talked about it because I’d never talked to him before. He had gone to a different middle school and probably didn’t connect me with Sarah by the time we all got to high school. I tried to think of a response, something witty and light, but I was suddenly jostled from behind as a guy pushed past me into the bathroom, holding a hand over his mouth. The door slammed and we could hear retching inside. “That doesn’t sound good,” Daniel joked. He put his hand on the small of my back and guided me away from the door.
“So how is she, your sister? She okay?” He took a swig from his beer bottle and leaned against the wall. It all felt so casual, I almost blurted out a reply.
“Yeah, she is okay, she’s doing good.” I tried to give the same answer I’d been giving everyone all night. But something about the way Daniel was looking at me made me want to tell him more, to reveal something to him. To impress him.
He leaned down close to my face, as if to hear me better, and I could see the dark stubble on his cheeks. He reached down to touch my necklace, taking the wings delicately in his fingers and turning them over. “What happened to her anyhow?” I could feel his breath on my cheek.
“I don’t know,” I said, my mind still feeling a little foggy. “I mean, we don’t really know yet. . . .” I wanted him to lean in closer, I wanted to keep him interested. I looked over to the couch and saw Tessa staring at me, her eyebrows up like a question.
“Listen”—he took another sip from his bottle and slid his hand to my waist—“I just wanted to say if you need someone to talk to, like, anytime, let me know.” I looked into his eyes—a deep chocolaty brown. “And if you ever need to skip a yearbook meeting, no worries, I’ve got you covered, okay?”
I swallowed hard. “Thanks, I . . .”
Miles suddenly appeared in front of us, holding out another beer. “I’m good.” I started to wave him away, but he took my palm and pressed the cold bottle into it.
“Drink, and be merry,” he said, trying to do a regal bow and almost falling down. “This girl has had a tough week,” he said to Daniel.
Daniel just nodded, as if willing him to leave us alone. Miles got the message and went back to the girls on the couch.
“Cheers.” Daniel clinked his bottle against mine. I put the cold bottle to my lips and took a long, deep swallow. It would feel good to drink it, to go deeper into that place, the place where it was easy to forget. But I didn’t want to say—or do—the wrong thing. Not tonight. Not here.
When I brought the bottle down, Daniel was studying my face. “Nico, Nico, Nico.” He shook his head with a slight smile.
I had no idea what he meant and I didn’t know how to answer him, so I just stood there, nodding and looking stupid. I didn’t do a lot of flirting, and didn’t know how to start now. The only guy who had shown any real interest in me before was Max’s little brother, Gabe, and I could never go there. No.
Daniel leaned against the wall as if he was just getting comfortable. He was about to say something else when I heard a voice from the other side of the room: “Hey, D, you in or what?”
I looked over and saw one of the senior guys holding up a pool cue. Another voice called, “Stop talking to that sophomore!” and the guys all laughed as they set up the pool table for a new game. I felt the blush on my cheeks creep down my neck and chest, making me blotchy with embarrassment.
“Yeah, I’m in,” Daniel called over his shoulder, keeping his eyes on mine. “See you at school, Nico, ’kay?” I liked how my name sounded from his lips.
“Okay, yeah. Great,” I said, too eagerly, as he walked away from me. My words hung in the air between us, playing over in my head and sounding worse each time. Okay, yeah. Great. Ugh.
I went back to the couch and squeezed in next to Tessa. “Daniel Simpson: so hot,” she whispered. “What did he want?” She nodded toward the pool table, where Daniel now prowled, holding a cue low over the green felt like he knew exactly what he was doing.
“Nothing, just asking about Sarah.” I took a drink of the beer in my hand, though I knew I shouldn’t. I willed myself not to drink any more, just to hold the bottle like a prop so no one would try to give me another one. Get yourself together. Nico, Nico, Nico.
I tried to rejoin the conversation around me, but I couldn’t help replaying what Daniel had said in my mind. My eyes kept going to the pool table, watching him, even as he finished his turn and joked with his friends—all of them tall and older, seniors like him. I felt my phone vibrate in my pocket and quickly slid it out. For some stupid reason, I thought it might be from Daniel. But it was from Mom: Having a good time? followed by a smiley emoji. I pictured her and Dad sitting there, worrying, waiting to see if I was okay. Suddenly, that sick feeling washed over me again and I was floating out of the room, the noise around me turning into a blurred hum. Tessa and Idina went on talking, laughing. Their voices cut through my head like a hot knife. I closed my eyes, but saw Sarah, that burned circle on her back. Who did that to her? Why?
I told Tessa I was ready to go.
“It’s like ten,” she scoffed. “Seriously?” Idina had gotten up and crossed the room to show some kids from school something on her phone. I saw Tessa eye the group with envy. “We just got here.”
“I’m super tired. My parents don’t mind getting me, you can stay,” I told her. I almost wanted Mom to come, to give her something to do, to let her feel like she was saving me.
“Don’t be wack, of course I’m going with you.” She pulled out her phone and sent a message to her mom. “She’ll be here in fifteen. Let’s see who’s upstairs, quick.” She pulled me behind her, with a wave to our friends; I looked back down the stairs, but couldn’t catch Daniel’s eye at the pool table before we were out of sight. See you at school, wasn’t that what he’d said?
I dumped the half-drunk beer bottle in a bin as we circled the upstairs and met Liam’s dad in the kitchen. He seemed crazy tan for this time of year, and too fit to be a dad. Then he introduced his girlfriend, who didn’t look much older than we were. “She’s in law school right now,” he proudly announced, squeezing her waist. Watching them, I could still feel the weight of Daniel’s hand on my back, what that was like, to be claimed by someone. They were both drinking glasses of red wine and seemed not to care too much what any of Liam’s friends were doing. I was happy that he didn’t notice who I was—no recognition of being “that girl’s sister,” no questions.
We finally saw Liam on our way out and he grabbed Tessa in a hug, lifting her off the ground. “Where have you been—did you just get here?”
“We’re leaving!” She giggled as he put her down.
“Hey.” He clapped me on the shoulder, like I was one of his buddies. “How’s it going?”
“Okay,” I started to say, then I realized he didn’t really care, he wasn’t even looking at me. He seemed super drunk already.
“Don’t go!” he said to Tessa, holding her hand as we went to the door.
Tessa’s cheeks burned red but I could tell she loved it. “My mom’s already here,” she said. “Sorry we didn’t get to really h
ang.”
Liam put on a fake pouty face, long blond bangs flopping over his forehead. He really was kind of adorable, I thought, as he watched us climb into the car from the doorway.
“Who’s that?” Tessa’s mom asked.
“That’s Liam! Oh my God, Mom!” Tessa yelled.
“Oh, so that’s Liam,” she murmured. “Cute.”
The whole ride home, Tessa only wanted to know if she had done it right—hanging out and being cool with the best friend, playing hard to get with Liam when he actually noticed her. “I don’t want to jinx anything, but I think he really wanted you to stay,” I reassured her.
“Right? He seems to be totally over Kelly. But still, have to wait a week at least,” she pointed out. When we pulled up outside my house, it was still before eleven.
“Thanks for getting me to go and everything.” I leaned into Tessa and hugged her.
“I’m just psyched you’re back, I missed you! Call me tomorrow, ’kay?”
“Tessa, leave her alone, would you?” Tessa’s mom joked.
I laughed and thanked her mom for the ride and went into the house. Mom and Dad were in the den. I could hear the TV on.
“Home so soon?” Mom asked. She pushed her reading glasses up on her head and closed her book. Dad was watching some sports coverage.
“Where’s Sarah?” I asked quickly.
“She came down and had a little dinner, then back up to bed. She seems okay though,” Mom said. “Did you have fun?”
“Yeah, it was good.” I leaned in the doorway, not willing to sit down and let them get a good look at me, even though I was feeling pretty normal already—the effects of the beer had almost worn off. “You were right, people were really cool about . . . everything.” I remembered Daniel’s face, so close to mine.
Mom smiled.
“I’m going to bed,” I said as Dad’s eyes went back to the screen. On my way upstairs, I thought about the car ride home. Tessa and her mom never mentioned Sarah again; they had already moved on to other things: Liam, the party. And Mom and Dad, would they have mentioned her if I hadn’t? I stood outside her silent door in the dark hallway, thinking about her inside. The room wasn’t empty. Sarah was in there. My sister.
