“I want you too.” My heart was racing when I found the end of Cooper’s shirt and slowly began to pull it over his head. I couldn’t take my eyes off of him. Having Cooper close to me like this and loving him the way I did was almost too much, but I needed more. Our breathing got heavier, faster, and I could feel the palm of Cooper’s hand skate down my side, stopping at the hem of my shirt. He brought his mouth back up to mine. His kiss was slow and all-consuming, yet there was also a hint of urgency to his touch. He tasted like honey and butter.
He pulled back and tried to catch his breath.
I whimpered at the loss of his touch. “What’s wrong?”
“Nothing is wrong, baby. I need …”
“What? Tell me,” I managed to say in a raspy voice.
“I … we need to stop.” He found my eyes and locked his gaze to mine. “I love you so much. And that’s why I want to do this right. When I make love to you, Lily,” he paused keeping his eyes on mine, “… I want to wait for you – to be mine – forever. Please don’t be upset. This isn’t a rejection. It’s just the opposite.”
He searched my eyes like he was trying to read my thoughts. I couldn’t help the small tear that snuck down from the corner of my eye making a wet trail to my ear.
“Please don’t cry, sweetheart.”
“I’m not crying because you hurt my feelings. I’m crying because I can feel how much you love me right now, in this moment. I’m overwhelmed is all.”
The truth was, I was overwhelmed – deeply. I ached, literally ached for him. An ache so deep and heavy that it felt like I would be crushed under the weight of it. I shook my head in an attempt to clear my head because there was something I needed to say.
“Thank you. I didn’t think I could love you more than I did five minutes ago, but I do. Cooper, I’ve never…” swallowing hard, “I’ve never… I mean… I’m a…” I stopped to breathe because my lungs felt heavy, like I couldn’t find enough air.
“Are you trying to tell me you’re a virgin?” he asked hesitantly.
All I could do was nod.
His eyes traced over my entire face as he studied me with rapt attention. We studied each other. I waited for his reaction, and then I watched his face light up. It felt like slow motion, like watching the sun rise.
“You have no idea how happy that makes me.” Cooper scooped me up into his arms and put his mouth to my ear. “I love you so much. So damn much.”
Seventeen
Surprising Myself
Two Months Later
“Hey man!” Joe said, slapping Cooper on the back. “‘Bout time you two showed up.”
“We’re not late,” Cooper said giving Joe a fist bump. “It’s only five after twelve. What? You miss me?”
“Miss you? Hell no. I miss your woman,” Joe said laughing while giving Cooper an evil grin. Reaching around Cooper, Joe pulled me in for a hug. “How you doing, Lily?”
I hugged him back warmly. “I’m doing good, Joe.”
“You guys hungry? Hayden is out back grilling burgers and hot dogs.”
“I know. I can smell it,” I said hearing my stomach growl. “I’m starving.”
Cooper and I had spent all day the day before practicing self-defense moves, something we had been working on for weeks, and we lost track of time. We ended up falling asleep early and slept late this morning, although, I didn’t really think Cooper slept as late as I did. I think he wanted to lie with me until I woke up.
“Y’all can go on out there. I’ll be out in a minute. I just need to put these beers in the fridge.”
“Do you need help with anything?” I asked. “Help you carry out plates, condiments, or something?”
“Sure. You can grab that stuff on the table there and take it out to Hayden,” Joe said, pointing to a basket filled with seasonings, buns, and all things good that go with burgers and hot dogs.
Cooper opened the door for me and we walked out onto Joe’s patio. “Hello, Hayden,” I said, setting down the basket.
“Lily! How are ya?” Hayden asked, pulling me in for a one arm hug while still manning the grill.
“Good.”
Cooper and Hayden exchanged their one shake handshake and each slapped the other on the back.
“What’s up man?” Hayden asked Cooper.
“Not much. Waiting for you to cook the food. I failed on my duties last night and didn’t feed my girl,” Cooper quipped, looking down at me apologetically. “I can hear her stomach growling.”
Embarrassed I said, “It wasn’t that loud.”
Cooper laughed. “You sure about that?”
Hayden laughed too. “Not to worry. I’ve got it taken care of.” He handed me a plate with a burger on it. “Dress it up any way you want to, Lily girl.”
“Thank you, kind sir. I think I’ll run it through the garden.”
Cooper came up from behind me and I could feel his breath on my neck. In a low husky voice he breathed, “I like that you like it all the way.”
Chills.
“Is that so?” I cooed.
“Oh yeah. I also like that you still get chills whenever I get close to you. Is there anything you do that I don’t find sexy as hell?”
Feeling playful I chirped, “I dunno. You tell me.”
Cooper’s penetrating stare gazed at me for what seemed an eternity. “Nope, there’s not a thing about you that isn’t sexy.” He walked past me to grab some food and I finally let out the breath I had been holding.
Beth finally showed up looking really cute in a pair of shorts, tank top and flip flops. I had decided to wear a pale yellow sundress that rested above the knee and brown sandals. For the last couple of months we’d all been getting together at Joe’s on Sundays for cookouts. For a while I figured Joe and Beth would start dating because they seemed to like each other, but they hadn’t. I asked Beth about it once and she told me they were just friends.
Beth and I had been engaged in conversation talking about nothing and everything when her eyes swept over to look at Cooper. I followed her eyes to him and noticed he was smiling at me with his arms folded in front of him, leaning against the wall with his legs crossed at the ankles. The smoldering look he was giving me was almost combustible because I could feel the heat rise inside my chest, almost as flammable as gasoline vapor.
“My god, that man loves you,” Beth said. “He never takes his eyes off of you.”
“Hey, Lily, I got a joke for ya,” Joe said, draping one arm over my shoulder. Still keeping my eyes on Cooper, I saw the right side of his mouth turn up, which made me reciprocate his grin.
“Okay.”
“Two fish were in a tank. One looks at the other and says, ‘You man the guns. I’ll drive.’”
Cooper shook his head and let it fall at the same time, which could be interpreted to mean I can’t believe you’re my friend, but like always he laughed, as did the rest of us.
Hayden plopped down in a chair and propped his feet up on the table. “Joe, I keep you around just so I have someone to laugh at.”
We were all chatting and laughing when my cell phone started playing the song ‘Lean on Me.’ I knew it was Maggie calling. “Hey girl.”
“Don’t you hey girl me. You haven’t called me in months.”
“I talked to you last week.”
“Exactly. DAYS have gone by without hearing from you.”
“Don’t you think you’re being a little on the dramatic side?” “I am totally dramatic, but that’s beside the point. We’re talking about you neglecting me, so don’t change the subject.”
“I’m sorry, Mags. I’ve been… busy lately.”
“Busy? Doing what? Or should I say doing whom?
“Maggie!”
Giggling through the phone she said, “What? I’m curious.”
I didn’t say anything, hoping she’d get clued in on the fact that I wasn’t alone.
“Oh my god, he’s there isn’t he?” she said with excitement in her voice.
&n
bsp; “Yes.”
“And you don’t want to talk about him in front of him.”
“Right.”
“Is he any good?”
“STOP.”
She’s not giggling any more. No, she’s full on laughing. “Oh, Lily, you’ve always been so easy to embarrass. Besides, we both know you haven’t done anything with him yet.”
Feeling the heat rush to my face and noticing Cooper staring at me I wanted to make like an ostrich and bury my head in the sand. I was practically using Jedi mind tricks on her through the phone to make her change the subject.
As if she could see my new shade of cherry red she said, “Relax. Don’t be embarrassed. I think it’s great that you’re waiting.”
Why were we still talking about this? I was looking at Cooper, Joe, Hayden and Beth and they were all staring at me now with inquisitive looks on their faces. Evidently it was apparent that I was having a conversation I’d rather not be having. But did they look away and busy themselves to try and give me privacy? No.
“Mags, really, I—”
“Okay, I get it,” she said, then giggled again. “I want to meet this man of yours. I need to give you my seal of approval or it’s not official.”
“What’s not official?”
“Your relationship. It’s not official until I’ve met him and approve.”
“I’m sure he’ll love to know that,” I said looking up at Cooper. His eyebrows arched upwards knowing we were talking about him.
“Put him on the phone, and I’ll let him know myself.”
“I’m not doing that,” I protest.
“Put him on. We all need to be on the same page,” she said with a hint of devilment in her tone.
“Hold on.”
Cooper’s expression was saying what the hell?, but it’s also saying what are you getting me into? And who are you talking to?
I practically pushed the phone in his face. “Maggie wants to talk to you,” I said, trying to sound serious but realizing I couldn’t stop smiling. “She’s my best friend from Colorado.”
“Oh,” he said. He raised the phone to his ear. “Hello?”
I watch Cooper’s face. He seemed to be doing most of the listening while Maggie did most of the talking. Occasionally he would say, “I do,” “Absolutely,” “I will,” and “You don’t even have to worry about that.” Finally, he laughed and said, “Nice talking to you too.” He shook his head and handed the phone back to me.
“Maggie?”
“Hey, girl. Listen, I gotta run. I’ll call you later.”
“Wait a minute. Mind telling me what you said to him?” I said, stepping to the side and trying to keep my voice low.
“Oh yeah, that. I told him that until we meet and I approve your relationship isn’t official. I also told him that I would remove his testicles with a butter knife if he does anything to hurt you.”
I think I aspirated beer into my lungs. Struggling to breathe I managed to choke out, “You said what?!”
Cooper was dying laughing, but she remained mostly serious. “What? He understood. We have an understanding, Lil. Listen, I’m gonna try and visit you soon, okay?”
“Okay,” I said, still looking at Cooper who seemed to be very amused at the moment.
“Lily, he seems like a really nice guy. If my threatening his manhood didn’t run him off he might be a keeper. I gotta run. I’ll call you back later.” She hung up the phone and I didn’t know whether I should apologize for Maggie or try to pretend this had never happened.
Cooper cupped my face with his palms. “I’m actually glad you have a friend like her.” He planted a kiss on my mouth. Joe and Hayden were waiting for an explanation, but Cooper resisted the urge to blurt it out. Instead, he picked up his guitar and said casually, “I’ll tell y’all later,” his smirk never fading.
The trees were going by in shades of green swirls as we traveled down a lonely two lane country road. We had the music turned up, the windows rolled down, and were cruising to the hum of the road and the beat of the drums. Ed Sheeran’s ‘Lego House’ came on the radio and I smiled, remembering that this was the first song Cooper ever sang for me. My mind wandered back to the beginning, starting the day I came back home to bury my daddy. I was broken and shattered in tiny little pieces, just trying to keep it together, afraid that if a gust of wind blew past me it would carry away the pieces I managed to hold on to and I would be left with a shell of whatever remained.
I guess you never really realize the reality of what was until you’ve been separated from it by time, allowing you to look back on yourself and see the person you used to be. When you’re in the moment you can’t really see clearly. It was kind of like looking at a painting with your nose pressed against the canvas. All you see is blurry shades of colors that are out of focus, making it very difficult to see what the artist intended. It’s not until you step back, putting distance between yourself and the painting, that you are able to see the whole picture. That’s the moment when you appreciate all the beauty before you. All the tiny little details, the brush strokes, and all lines come together to form an image that makes sense. Sometimes you have to step back to see what’s right in front of you.
Driving back to my house from Joe’s, Cooper and I were quiet, although my thoughts seemed loud and sometimes I wondered if anyone else could hear them. I pulled myself out of my head to look at Cooper. His hands were resting on the steering wheel and occasionally he’d drum out a beat with the music. He had beautiful hands; masculine, defined, the hands of a musician with callused fingertips from years of playing. I wanted to reach out and grab his hand just to hold it in mine, but I didn’t.
Cooper had asked me to stay at his house, but I told him I needed to go home. A huge part of me wanted to stay with him, snuggled up to him in his bed where he could chase away the bad dreams that now plagued my nights. The other part of me needed to go home and learn to be strong on my own. I had an ominous feeling that the anxiety stirring inside me was about to be unleashed. It was a feeling I couldn’t shake. I hadn’t mentioned it to Cooper yet. The dreams seemed more and more like a memory, less like dreams, and I was afraid. However, I was more afraid of hiding from it. I was starting to realize that in order for my blurry past to come into focus, I needed to accept that my life was nearly ripped from me, and then I could work on finding the missing pieces and putting it all back together. I needed to do this for me. And I need to do this for Cooper.
“I’m going to start seeing a therapist,” I blurted when Cooper opened the door for me, surprising even myself. I hadn’t expected to blurt it out like that. I watch for his reaction but he remained silent, waiting for me to elaborate. “I realize I need help dealing with what happened to me. I would like it if you were there for me… at some of my appointments.”
And while I was realizing things, I also realized that I was taking a very odd interest in pea gravel, since I found myself staring at a ton of it at my feet. I closed my mouth and patiently waited for Cooper to respond.
He simply looked down at me, and with his thumb and forefinger lifted my chin up to him. “Tell me where and when, and I’m there. I’m always there, wherever you need me.”
Eighteen
No More
It was beautiful – the sound. It was like what you would imagine a heart in love would sound like if it could sing the emotions deep inside aching to get out. The music was so… tender. I didn’t recognize it. My heart, if possible, felt tongue tied. I opened my eyes and saw Cooper with his guitar in his lap sitting on the edge of the bed. We were in my room. I must have fallen asleep. It was movie night, and we’d decided to watch movies at my house. His eyes were closed and he was playing a slow and beautiful melody that tore at my heart. For a moment I wondered if he was sad. The look on his face was almost painful. He stopped playing and reached over to write something down with the pencil he had tucked behind his ear.
“Cooper?” I whispered.
He turned to face me. “What,
baby?”
“What are you doing?”
“Just working on something.” He picked the guitar off his lap and set it next to the bed. “You were restless again, so I played you a lullaby and it seemed to help. I’ve been sitting here ever since watching over you.”
“You’ve been here the whole time?”
“I told you I wouldn’t leave.”
It was my first therapy session. Dr. Connelly sat across from me writing in her notebook while I talked about what had happened five years ago, only telling her that it happened, but not able to give details about any of it.
“Why are you here, Lily? Tell me what you hope to get out of therapy.” Her tone was casual, but to the point.
“I don’t know exactly,” I answered honestly. “I need to accept it on some level so I can move on. I guess I’ve been living half a life. I shut it out… turned it off… pretended that it didn’t happen to me. Now I have started having nightmares, only they seem more like memories.”
“When did the nightmares start, Lily?”
“Two months ago.”
“What happened two months ago?”
“What do you mean?”
“Did something scare you or make you uncomfortable?”
“Yes. A man came up to me when I was sitting with my boyfriend and our friends. He didn’t even say anything that would make me afraid, but I was terrified. He was actually complimenting me on the song Cooper and I sang together."
“Cooper is your boyfriend?”
I nodded my head.
“Why do you think this man scared you?”
“I don’t know. I’ve never even seen him before.”
“Tell me exactly what he said to you, Lily.”
Stolen Breaths Page 12
