Cooper’s arms wrapped around me, but I wasn’t done yet.
“No, Cooper!” I wiggled and squirmed to break free. I wanted to keep walking down that road and I wanted to be left alone. He let go and then tried to hold me again. This time I pushed him off! “NO!”
“Hit me,” he said calmly, stepping toward me again.
I said nothing that time, turning away from him to walk away again. He grabbed me by my shoulder and spun me around. All at once I lunged into Cooper. I shoved him and beat my fists on his chest. “I HATE HIM! I HATE HIM! I HATE HIM! I HATE HIM!” I scream and I scream and I scream. Bloodcurdling, deep to the bone screams.
Deep, ugly cries escaped and I slid down Cooper’s body, unable to hold myself up any longer. “I hate him, Cooper. I h-h-hate him –s-s-so much.” Before I could touch the ground Cooper had me locked in his arms. I wailed in agony, afraid that I’d be forever stuck in this ocean of sadness and burning hate. He sat us down in the dirt and held me while I sobbed. He rocked me in his arms on the side of the road for what seemed like hours. I don’t know how long I cried or how long I shook and trembled but we didn’t move until every shudder and tremble faded to a quiet vibration of cried out exhaustion.
He stood us up and he carried me back to his car, gently setting me down in the passenger’s seat and securing the seatbelt for me. He entered his side and secured his own seatbelt, and for a minute, he didn’t move or say anything. He was looking straight ahead, staring at nothing in particular.
I touched his arm. “I’m so sorry, Cooper.” My voice was small and weak.
He slowly turned and looked at me. “What? No, Lily. Don’t be sorry. Don’t ever be sorry. You’ve done nothing to be sorry for. You hear me? Nothing.”
“I didn’t want you to hear the thoughts in my head, Cooper. I didn’t want you to know I felt this way. Am I a monster? For having these thoughts and these feelings? I don’t even know who I am anymore.” I looked out my window, not knowing if I could look Cooper in the eye.
He brushed his fingers across my cheek. “I know who you are, Lil. You’re my angel. You don’t have a mean bone in your body. You’re hurting and you have every right to feel what you feel. Your father was taken from you by the very man who nearly took you from him. From me. I hate him too, Lil. We share that. We do. And I’m glad. I want to share everything with you.” He turned my face toward his. “I want you to look at me when I tell you this. Look me right in the eyes, baby, and hear what I’m saying… I would rather walk through hell with you every day than spend one day in heaven without you. I love you, Lily. If you need to yell and scream then yell and scream. And when you’re done I’ll hold you in my arms and make sure you never forget that you are the reason I was put on this earth. It was an ugly twisted road, but this – you and me – we were always meant to find each other. And I was always meant to love you.”
Twenty-Three
Dear Daddy
Two Weeks Later
“How are you feeling, Lily?” Dr. Connelly asked. “No more nightmares?”
“I’m feeling okay.” And I was. Better than okay actually. A smile ghosted across my face when I remembered the little handwritten note Cooper left for me after breakfast:
Have a good rest of the morning Precious. I’ll meet you at Dr. Connelly’s office this afternoon.
-C
P.S. I love you more than the tide loves the moon.
“And no. No more nightmares,” I said, realizing my smile still tickled the corner of my lips.
“You’ve come a long way since our first visit. A lot has happened. I’m happy with your progress. Are you still writing in the journal I gave you?”
“Yes.”
“Good. Did you bring it with you?”
“I did.”
“Remember I asked you to write a letter to your father. Would you mind reading me what you wrote?”
I pulled out my journal and opened it to the last entry. “Okay.”
Dear Daddy,
My therapist thought it would be good for me to write you a letter. Maybe she’s right, because I have so much I want to say to you. So, I’m supposed to write about my feelings and as I think of what to say to you first I must admit that I’ve been mad at you. I didn’t even realize it until now. But I have been. You left me alone and I wasn’t ready for you to go. I thought we would have more time together. You haven’t fulfilled all of your daddy obligations to me yet. You were supposed to be here with me so you could walk me down the aisle when I get married. Who’s going to do that now? And who’s going to play the part of grandfather to my children? You always told me how you were going to enjoy spoiling them. Who’s going to spoil them now? We talked about this, remember? We didn’t have a plan B. You weren’t supposed to leave yet. This wasn’t supposed to happen.
A lot of things weren’t supposed to happen but have. Or maybe they were supposed to happen exactly the way they did. Do you still believe in fate, Daddy? Do you believe everything in life happens for a reason? I’m trying to believe that it does. I would hate to know that all the tiny acts of randomness equal to nothing. I’m trying to believe that losing both of my parents is some big life lesson I’m supposed to learn. I’m trying to believe that there is a reason beyond our comprehension that would explain why Cooper had to suffer the loss of both of his parents too.
Speaking of Cooper, you remember him, Daddy? Of course you do. Cooper is not an easy person to forget. I’m sure there’s a lot you don’t forget about the first time you met him. And I’m sorry you had to meet him under those circumstances. I’m sorry for both of you. But I’m glad you two got to meet. Cooper really liked you a lot, Daddy. He told me he saw how much you loved me. I wish you could see how much I love him. And I do, Daddy. I love him so much. I understand how much you loved Mom now. And I’m glad that you can now be with her again. So, I’m not mad anymore. You are where you should be. And even though I’ll miss you every day, I’ll be all right. I have Cooper now.
Love,
Lily
P.S. Wait – Daddy? Did you send me Cooper? Was that you?
“Is that all of it?” Dr. Connelly asked, studying my face.
“Yes, that’s all of it.”
“I noticed you ended it with a question. Are you going to write him again?”
“I’ll wait for him to answer first.” I smiled as I closed my journal.
I heard Cooper behind me clearing his throat. “Sorry I’m late.”
Dr. Connelly’s eyes smiled as she watched him make his way over to me. “It’s quite all right. I think you got here just in time.”
“Cooper, I didn’t know you were here already. How long have you been standing there?”
“Long enough.” He bent down to kiss me on top of my head. “I didn’t want to interrupt.” He leaned into my ear and whispered so only I could hear him, “I love you too, baby.”
Dr. Connelly waited for Cooper to settle in next to me on the couch and then asked, “So, the letter to your father, after reading it back to yourself do you notice anything? Are aware of anything, or feel anything after you’ve had a chance now to reflect on it? Sometimes we think or feel things differently than we did when we first wrote it.”
“To be honest, I didn’t really think about what I was saying when I wrote it. I am glad I wrote it though. I’ve missed talking to him.” I smiled to myself. “I feel good about it. And I do realize something now that I don’t think I realized then, but is it okay if I don’t elaborate? For now anyway?”
“It’s all right. I think your letter was expressive and you said what you needed to say. You can keep writing to him if you want to or need to. This is your journal and your therapy. Do what feels right. The point of this is to express your feelings and thoughts so you don’t keep them bottled up. I encourage you to keep and reread what you’ve written. You’ll be surprised what you find you knew that you didn’t realize you knew at the time.”
“Yes, ma’am. I will. Thank you. I really am doing be
tter.”
“Good. I can see that you are. You’re a strong person, Lily. You fought your way back from death. I don’t think you really ever gave yourself enough credit for the amount of strength you possess. And not only are you strong, but you’re also very brave. Don’t doubt yourself. You’re a fighter.”
Twenty-Four
Will You?
Two and a half weeks later
“Joe and Hayden have been asking about you. Every day,” Cooper said, sitting down next to me on my couch.
“They have? Did you tell them I’m okay?”
I hadn’t seen or talked to them since I ran out of Joe’s bar that night. I felt bad about that, but I’d needed this time to do my therapy. I was definitely feeling better. I no longer felt swallowed up like I did before. I still felt sadness, but it wasn’t the crippling kind of sadness anymore.
“Yeah, I’ve told them you’re okay. I’ve told them that every day for the last four weeks, but they’ll keep asking until they see you with their own eyes.”
“I’m ready to see our friends again. Let’s go see them tonight.”
“Really? You sure? I don’t want you to do anything until you’re ready. No one is rushing you, especially me.”
I caressed Cooper’s cheek with the palm of my hand. “I’m sure. I am totally one hundred percent sure.”
“Okay. Should we tell them?”
“No. Let’s surprise them.”
“You got it, love. Hey, listen, I’ve got some things I need to take care of so I’ll be back in a few hours to get you.” He held my face and leaned back to search my eyes. “Okay?”
“Okay. Don’t worry about me. I’m fine. Besides, your grandmother is here. Go do whatever it is you need to do.” I stood up on my tiptoes and gave him a kiss. “I love you.”
“I love you too. Be back soon.”
Cooper and his grandmother were the only two people I’d wanted to see while I worked through my grief, other than my therapist of course. Actually, Ms. Sophie showed up on my doorstep after finding out what happened and just kind of never left. She stayed most of the day, and would leave in the evenings. She was definitely the grandmother I never had, insisting I eat when I wasn’t hungry, and occasionally bestowing some sage advice when she deemed it appropriate. She never pushed me too hard and always gave me the space I needed. I guess in a way, having her here these last few weeks had been its own kind of therapy. She actually gave me the courage to go into my daddy’s bedroom. I’d only been inside a couple of times since I moved back. I never felt the need to change anything. I left his things as they were, but maybe it was time that I started thinking about boxing his things up. He wasn’t coming back and if I wasn’t sure of anything else I was sure of that. That’s when I found it. A letter tucked away in his bedside table. One he had written to me five years before. He never gave it to me, so I didn’t know whether or not I should read it, so I haven’t. Not yet. I brought it back to my room and placed it in my bedside table.
“I’m going to go, dear, so you can get ready to go out tonight.” Ms. Sophie reached over and hugged me and stood up to leave.
“Thank you, Ms. Sophie. For everything.”
“Oh now stop. No need to thank me. I wanted to be here, dear. Now, you go get yourself ready and let Cooper take you out tonight. It’ll do you good to get out. And if I know Joe and Hayden they are going to choke on their own tongues when they see you walk in tonight.” Laughing, she continued. “Those two think the world of you. Good boys, all of them.” She patted me on the hand. “Now scoot. I’ll see you tomorrow, dear.”
I gave her a salute, “Yes ma’am. I’m scooting.”
Before walking into Joe’s I felt slightly apprehensive, and Cooper noticed.
“He won’t be here, precious. I can promise you that.”
“Are you sure?”
After Warren confessed that his twin brother was my attacker as well as the driver of the vehicle that killed my father, Cooper did some investigating. The police report from my father’s accident confirmed that the names matched. Wilson Pratt. Cooper had turned the information that Warren had provided over to the police and let them handle it from there. Warren had been cooperative, I’d been told.
“Completely sure.” He brought my hand up to his lips to kiss the backs of my fingers. “Come on. We’ve got some surprising to do.” He smiled brightly then wiggled his eyebrows at me.
I laughed.
“What are you laughing at?”
“You. I love it when you wiggle your eyebrows at me, because you look goofy when you do it.”
“Hey, if it makes you laugh…”
We entered the bar and the usual sights and sounds ignited my senses. We spotted Joe and Hayden immediately. Joe was behind the bar as usual, and Hayden was sitting on one of the barstools. He took a pull of his beer and then I watched some girl try to shamelessly flirt with him. He didn’t look particularly interested, but Hayden would never be outright rude to someone. I laughed to myself watching him struggle to keep her hands from roaming freely over his bicep. Joe noticed about the same time, and didn’t even try to contain his amusement. Before he said anything to Hayden, his eyes flicked up toward the door and saw Cooper and me standing there.
“Lily!” he shouted, then proceeded to jump over the bar tapping Hayden on the shoulder in the process. “She’s here, man.”
Hayden jumped up and left the flirty girl by herself, and he and Joe made their way over to us.
I was instantly embraced with smiles and arms. First Joe’s, then Hayden’s.
“Let me look at you,” Joe said. “I know Cooper has been taking care of you, but I need to see for myself.”
“I’m good, Joe. Really.”
“Yes, I can see that,” he said, bringing me in for hug. “I’ve missed you.”
“I’ve missed you too.”
I look over at Hayden, who opened his arms wide. I took my cue and walked in to them. He wrapped his arms around me protectively.
“I’ve missed you too, Lily. I’m so glad to see you. We both are.”
“I’ve missed you too. I’m sorry I haven’t been around lately. I’ve just been…”
“No need to explain. We’re up to speed. We understand,” Hayden said quietly.
Cooper had been standing back, allowing his best friends to get their hugs in, and when I made eye contact with him he grinned. “I told you they’ve been asking about you.”
I laughed and Cooper took me out of Hayden’s arms, squarely into his.
Hayden feigned hurt feelings. “What the…?”
“Get your own girl,” Cooper joked. “I think I saw one making a play for you at the bar.”
I laughed again. “Oh yeah, I saw that. She’s cute.”
Hayden shrugged nonchalantly. “I guess. Not really my type.”
I looked back over to where she was and realized she’d been watching us. More specifically, she’d been watching Hayden.
“Don’t look now, but she’s got her eyes on you.”
Hayden chuckled. “Come on, let’s go sit in our booth and catch up.”
It felt comfortable and familiar being there again laughing and joking. I loved those guys and I felt protected around them. I know none of them would let anything happen to me in their presence, Cooper especially.
“Hey, Lily, I got a joke for ya,” Joe mused as he brought his bottle up to his lips.
The usual groans come out of Hayden and Cooper while we waited to hear it. I, however, had missed his corny jokes.
“Let’s hear it, Joe,” I said with a big smile on my face.
“How do you make an egg-roll?”
Looking around the table I answer with an anticipated laugh, “No idea.”
“You push it.”
Silence.
And then – laughter.
“Joe, you kill me,” I said laughingly while he smirked at me.
He winked at me and leaned across the table. “It’s good to see you laughing.”
“Yes,” Cooper cooed in my ear, “it is.”
Those guys were good for me. I started feeling sentimental so I excused myself to the ladies’ room. When I returned, Cooper was gone.
“Where’s Cooper?” I asked the guys.
“Oh, uh, he’s doing something. You’ll see him in a minute,” Joe said, setting his bottle down on the table.
“What are you talking about?”
Joe shrugged, indicating he wasn’t going to answer my question.
“Hayden?”
“Lily?”
“What’s going on guys?”
Hayden laid his arm across the booth behind my head and leaned in. “Just wait a minute, you’ll see.”
I opened my mouth to speak, but then I heard the soft sound of a piano playing from the stage. I looked up and saw Cooper sitting on the piano bench with his fingers on the keys, playing them beautifully. He didn’t introduce the song or speak to the audience. None of that. He just… played. It was a stripped down and slowed down version of ‘Let Me Love You (Until You Learn To Love Yourself)’.
The bar hushed. Not even a whisper was heard when Cooper opened his mouth to sing the first words. So beautiful, his voice. I felt Joe sit on the other side of me and my heart settled in my throat watching Cooper sing. He never once took his eyes from mine and mine never left his. He was telling me through music what he felt for me; completely captivating my shattered heart and healing it piece by piece. When he finished the song, silence engulfed the room. Everyone was moved by the song, as evidenced by their quietness.
When Cooper stood up, that was when the crowd began to applaud. I didn’t move until Joe stood and reached for my hand to help me to my feet. When Cooper made it back over to me I threw my arms around his neck and held on to him like someone might try to take him away from me.
Stolen Breaths Page 16
