by Blake, Penny
“I brought you kids sandwiches and lemonade,” she says, setting a silver tray heaped with goodies on the table between our lounge chairs.
“Thank you, Mirabeth,” I say, and Raine echoes the same thing.
“It’s so nice that Raine has a friend over,” she says. “Let me know if there’s anything else you need.”
“Thank you, Mirabeth,” Raine says. “That will be all.”
“That will be all,” I mimic once she’s out of earshot. “I know you’re rich and everything, but why so formal?”
He shrugs. Like me, he’s wearing sunglasses, so it’s hard to read his expression. “She’s nice and all, but she asks a lot of questions. I think she knows the Everly’s are never here and she’s trying to fill some kind of parental void for me. Which is nice, don’t get me wrong.” He takes his glass of lemonade from the tray and sips it through the straw. “But I’ve never had parents and I’ve never wanted them. I can look out for myself just fine.”
“Yeah, me too.” I say, taking a bite of my sandwich. “I can’t wait to get the hell out of that house I’m in and go to college, where I can finally be on my own.”
He tilts his sunglasses down, assessing me. “Why are you in such a hurry to leave? You said your foster family was perfectly nice.”
I turn away and stare out at the pool, painfully blue under the summer sun. “They are, I’m just over being in someone else’s care.”
Silence settles between us, then he asks, “What do you want to go to college for?”
I think about it for a long time. “I don’t know yet,” I finally say, reaching for my lemonade and taking a sip. “All I know is that I want to be a career woman. I see myself coming home after a long day, wearing a women’s business suit—the kind with the blazer and the skirt. Then I get home to my neat, perfectly-decorated little condo. I kick off my high heels, settle down on the couch and pull some papers out of my briefcase. Then my smokin’ hot fiance calls and asks what I’m doing that night and I’m like ‘I have so much work to do, I don’t even know where to start.’ Then he’s like ‘let me come over and bring some wine and give you a foot massage before you dig into all that work.’”
I cut my eyes over to Raine, who has a hint of a smile on his face. “You’ve really thought that out, huh?”
I shrug self-consciously. “That’s the life I want, but I have no idea how to get it. I mean, do I want to be a lawyer or an advertising manager or a human resources executive?” I shrug again. “I have no clue.”
“You’ll figure it out,” he says. “You’re wicked smart—you’ll be able to do anything you want.”
“What about you?” I ask.
“Business school at my adoptive father’s alma matter. It’s part of the whole deal.” He casually waves a hand over the pool and toward the gorgeous white mansion behind us. “All I have to do is get good grades, keep my head down and follow in his footsteps, and this will all be mine someday. And in the meantime, I’ll get to benefit from it like a real son would.”
“And that’s what you want?” I ask. “Business school at the college your father is picking out for you?”
“Why not?” he says. “In all honesty, I feel lucky to be here. The Everly’s aren’t exactly warm and fuzzy people, but my situation could be a lot worse. If they want me to be a good little doobie and go to business school, then I’m happy to oblige.”
“Did you just say ‘a good little doobie?’” I ask, breaking into laughter. “What the hell is ‘a good little doobie’? Who says that?”
He turns to me and even though he’s wearing sunglasses, I can tell he’s staring me down. Then a smile begins to curl the sides of his mouth, and he picks up the last of his lemonade and dumps it on my head.
“You fucker!” I scream, picking up my own lemonade and dumping it in his lap.
“Shit that’s cold!’ he yells, standing up quickly and brushing a pile of ice off his crotch.
Then he runs to the pool and dives in, and I chase after him laughing.
Is it too much to ask for my boyfriend to take my damned virginity? I mean, really. Every day this summer I’ve come over his house and we’ve spent hours making out. But as soon as things get heated, he backs away and makes up some lame excuse for me to go home.
Is there such thing as a female version of blue balls? Purple ovaries maybe? Because if there is, I’ve got them.
As we kiss, I reach down and stroke my hand along the thick, long bulge in his swim trunks. The rest of his body grows even more tense then, and he breaks our kiss. “You should probably go home before your family starts to wonder where you are,” he says.
I sigh in frustration. “Raine, you must be the only teen guy in existence to cockblock yourself. Is there something wrong with your equipment? How come you won’t just put out already?”
He dissolves into laugher. “You want me to put out, huh?”
“Yeah, put out or get out, buddy. I can’t take another night of being this frustrated.”
“Wow, Lana. I never knew you were so sexually aggressive.” He reaches up and strokes my cheek with is knuckle. “I like it.”
“Is it because of what I told you? Is that why you don’t want to touch me?” I had told Raine the details of what happened at our old foster home. How our foster father had been making advances on me for months—a touch here, a grope there—before the night he came into my bedroom. The night Raine stopped something even more terrible from happening to me. But before the stabbing, our foster father had come in and touched me inappropriately, then made me touch him back.
I’d told Raine about it. He was the first person I’d ever given any specific details to. And now I wondered if he considered me broken. Dirty. Ruined.
“Do you think I’m disgusting? Because of what happened? Do I gross you out?”
“Oh my God, no Lana. Never. I would never blame you for what happened.”
“Then what is it? Why don’t you want me?”
He laughs darkly to himself and leans closer. “You have no idea how much I want you,” he whispers in my ear as he grasps the massive length in his trunks, as if offering physical proof.
“The truth is, I know you’ve been hurt by a man who wanted to use you sexually. And even though I want you so fucking bad it’s painful, I want to show you that we’re not all like that. I wanted to take it slow with you, so that when we finally fucked, you’d be ready. And you can enjoy yourself.”
Hearing the word fuck come out of his mouth is an unexpected turn on, and my eyes dart down to the beast between his legs.
“You want to fuck me?” I ask in a breathy whisper.
He puts his hand on my cheek and pulls me closer, kissing me hard. “You have no idea,” he practically growls against my lips.
“Oh, I think I do.” I reach down and smooth my hand over him again, and this time he lets me. I move my hand up and down, exploring him.
He breaks our kiss and says, “In all honesty, the other reason I’ve been trying to hold off…” –I wait for him to continue while he looks down at the bed as if trying to find the right words—“is because I’ve never done this before.” He looks up and our gazes meet. “I don’t want to disappoint you.”
He looks so vulnerable it makes my heart ache. “Raine, you would never disappoint me. First, because I can tell you’re packing some serious equipment there. If anything I’m afraid you’re going to tear me in half. But mostly because I want my first time to be with someone I love.”
He looks surprised at my words, and I realize that I’ve probably just blurted out way too much. But before I can backpedal he says, “I love you too, Lana.”
And then he makes love to me. Sweetly and tenderly. With infinite care for my comfort.
Having him open me up that way isn’t without pain. But knowing it’s Raine entering me for the first time, and giving himself to me in return, makes it beautiful. This is what we’ve been made to do. And now he and I are taking our place in the timeless dance that
makes all life possible. The power and the beauty of it, and the sheer natural rightness of it, is overwhelming.
As Raine lay on top of me gently pressing in and out of my body, there’s a look of pure wonder on his face as he looks into mine.
And as he gently strokes into my body, I realize than that I’ve given him a gift too.
This is a deeply meaningful first that we’re both sharing, one that can never be repeated. We’ll always be linked by this moment.
At last, his body tenses and I feel liquid heat fill me. I luxuriate in the moment. I’ve never felt so complete before. And as we lay in each other’s arms, I know this moment will connect us forever, no matter where life takes us.
Raine
Now…
I watch Lana lay peacefully asleep in my hotel bed, torn between utter amazement that she entered my life again so unexpectedly, and self-disgust at the way I behaved last night. Like a weak, foolish schoolboy who doesn’t know any better. But I do know better. She taught me years ago.
And yet all last night, we lay entwined in each other’s arms, sleeping fitfully between sexual rounds.
I didn’t fuck Lana last night. I didn’t punish her or take complete control. I made love to her. All God damned night. And I despise myself for it.
Lana
Now…
I awaken to find Raine already dressed in a finely tailored black suit. I turn to watch him while he puts on a pair of silver cufflinks.
“I have a meeting now,” he says coolly. “I believe the escort agency requires you to stay until noon. It’s only nine, but I release you early. Thank you for your time, and I hope you have an excellent day.”
“You hope I have an excellent day?”
He shrugs. “What do your clients usually say after one or your transactions?”
I nearly flinch. Nearly. Fortunately I keep my expression cool as I stare at him from the bed, my head propped up on my hand.
“Probably the same thing you normally say after one of your transactions, Raine. Remember that you’re the one who paid for me to be here. When I want someone to warm my bed, I don’t have to pay for it.”
He cuts his gaze to me and his eyes are pure ice beneath the angry slashes of his brows. The energy coming off him is so cold that I actually do flinch this time. “You may show yourself out.” He grabs his briefcase and strides to the bedroom door.
“Wait,” I say, springing out of bed. “Raine, please don’t go. After everything…can we just talk for a while?”
He checks his watch impatiently. “I really do have to go. I’m heading a meeting and I’ll leave the entire board waiting if I don’t show up.”
“Then let’s have dinner. Tonight. It’ll be my treat.”
His lip curls up in a smirk. “Well then, if it’ll be your treat, then I’ll reconsider.”
I roll my eyes. “Fine, I get it. You’re rich and successful and you don’t need someone like me buying you a meal—”
He stops me by placing a finger over my lips. “Don’t ever say ‘someone like me.’ You’re more than this, Lana. And you deserve so much better. How did you end up in a life like this?”
He brings his finger down and I say, “Meet me for dinner and I’ll tell you. I’ll tell you everything.”
Lana
Then…
It’s a rainy September evening. I’ve borrowed my foster mother’s car to drive over to Raine’s with single-minded purpose: to destroy the one thing that’s ever meant anything to me.
My bags are packed and hidden deep in my closet, ready to go the following morning. I have all my travel information planned out, the details written down and tucked in an envelope in my suitcase.
Now I just have this one final thing to do. The single hardest thing I’ll ever have to do in my life. And the most necessary.
As I sit waiting at a stop light, I notice a couple about my age—still in high school—walking down the sidewalk. They’re huddled under a red umbrella, laughing. He has his hand tucked in her jeans pocket, and then he leans in and kisses her.
Seeing their happiness only makes my heart plummet further, reminding me that I could have had the same thing. If only my life had turned out entirely different.
I’d sensed something was off the first week I arrived at my current foster home, when my foster father kept walking in on me when I was showering. I mentioned it to my social worker, asking that a lock be installed on the doors to the bathroom and my bedroom, and everything seemed fine after that. For a while anyway.
It was a series of odd little things that gradually added up. The time he brushed up against me in the hallway and his hand cupped my breast. The dick picture sent to my phone under an anonymous email address, the background of the shot looking suspiciously like our living room. The time he “fell asleep” on the couch when my foster mother was away, his penis hanging crudely out of his pants. And finally the worst offense of all, the active webcam I found hidden in my bedroom that fed to his computer in the den.
I’d crushed it with a hammer, then left the broken pieces beside his computer. Now I found myself waiting on edge for his next creepy act.
I decided against reporting him. My reason was, I’d moved around so much over the years that it had been next to impossible to keep my grades up—until I’d stared going to my current school. Something just seemed to click into place there, and now my grades were higher than ever.
My guidance counselor was helping me research scholarships and colleges, so I was hesitant to tell my social worker about what was happening and get uprooted again. I would only be placed with yet another family, and who was to say that my new circumstances wouldn’t be just as bad as they were here.
If I could just wait it out until it was time to leave for college, I could ignore and avoid my foster father in the meantime. Then Raine showed up at my window, making it even more imperative that I stay.
I couldn’t tell him what was happening. Not after last time.
He’d always been protective to a fault. He would never stand by and let me stay in that house with my foster father threatening me. But I wanted to be the one to decide where I lived. I couldn’t let Raine get me moved again. I could protect myself if I needed to.
Until the incident happened. It all went down the week before, and I knew then that I couldn’t stay there anymore. I also couldn’t bear to be moved to another foster home, where the same thing could happen all over again. I was tired of it. Of moving and being dependent on people who didn’t deserve my trust.
No, this time I was going out on my own. Anything would be better than what I was now facing. Things had escalated with my foster father, and now it was all just too awful. Just thinking about it made me sick.
There was only one thing I knew for sure. I had to get the fuck away from there.
I knew Raine well enough to predict that he would want to come with me. Of course he would. If he was the one leaving town, I’d be at his side without a second thought. But Raine and I were in completely different situations, and I couldn’t let him throw away his whole life for me. He had a future. I just couldn’t rip it away from him.
He needed to stay in school and remain on the course the Everly’s had dictated for him. Then some day, he would have the whole world at his fingertips.
I couldn’t let him ruin his life to turn into a teenage runaway and a high school dropout.
Even though that’s exactly what I was about to become.
Raine
Then…
The moment I see Lana standing at my front door, I know something is horribly wrong. Her eyes look empty. Dead.
In all the years I’ve known her, after everything we’ve been through, I’ve never seen that look in them before.
“What’s the matter,” I say, holding my arms out to her. But she only shuffles past me, her arms wrapped around herself.
“We need to talk,” she says. “Raine, I’m sorry. I’m so, so sorry.”
“Why? What is it?”
“There’s someone else.”
I look at her in confusion, waiting for her to continue. She doesn’t meet my eyes. Instead she keeps her gaze trained on some point over my shoulder.
“I’ve been sleeping with someone else. And I’m in love with him. And I don’t want to…be with you anymore.” Her voice breaks at the end of the sentence. There are tears in her eyes and they start to roll down her cheeks. She reaches up and rubs them away roughly with her palms. “I’m sorry I hurt you. I’ve been hiding this for a while now. And I thought you deserved to know.”
My whole body goes cold, and I’m unable to process her words. They simply don’t make any sense, not coming from the girl I know. It’s as if she just told me she’s an alien, ripped off her face and offered concrete proof that she is indeed a Martian.
I wonder for a moment if I’m dreaming, because none of this is compatible with the reality I know.
Finally I say, “What’s his name?”
“Elliott.”
“Lana…this doesn’t make any sense. We spend all our time together. We’re in love. We talk constantly. We have sex constantly.”
“That’s why I can’t do it anymore, Raine. Since I met Elliott…I don’t feel the same way about you. I don’t know if I was ever really in love with you. I think it’s was just puppy love, but it wasn’t real—”
“That’s bullshit and you know it! You know what we have is real. Tell me this isn’t real.” I take her face in my hands and kiss her. Hard. To stake my claim. To show her she belongs to me. That I belong to her.
She leans into the kiss desperately, but too soon, she pulls away.
“Raine, it’s not that I don’t care about you. I do, I really do. We had some great times together. But…I’m just not in love with you. I thought I was but…I’m so sorry I hurt you. I’m so, so sorry.” Her eyes well up with tears again and her voice breaks as she says, “For what it’s worth, I’m glad my first time was with you. And I’ll never, ever forget you.”
