by Jodi Picoult
So our ceiling may be leaky,
but the furniture’s antiquey.
So our front room is our back room,
but you never have to vacuum!
This is our home, sweet home.
Please do feel free to roam.
As it will soon be known,
Home, sweet home!
INSTRUMENTAL BREAK
Then Hugo enters with ukulele:
I can see it may be too late
to accept me as a roommate.
I may be a little biased,
but don’t hate us till you’ve tried us.
This is our home, sweet home.
Please do feel free to roam.
As it will soon be known,
Home, sweet home!
ALL:
This is our home, sweet home.
Please do feel free to roam.
As it will soon be known,
Home, sweet home!
Felicity exits, screaming.
MAMA BEAR
But we haven’t gotten to the reprise!
JEAN-CLAUDE
Maybe she isn’t a fan of the ukulele.
HUGO
I TOLD YOU SO!!!!
They slink away.
HUGO (CONT’D)
I might as well just accept it. I’m a freak. Sure, I’ll know it’s raining before anyone else does. . .and there’s the occasional slam dunk. . .but I’ll never be the man I used to be. And who could fall in love with THIS?
SONG 14: IT’S LONELY AT THE TOP
HUGO:
Look, how I’m standing alone here
even when there’s a crowd,
and if you listen, you can hear my heart break with
words I can’t speak out loud.
Where’s that someone who is long overdue,
that fine kind of love that won’t stop?
Here, I’ve been waiting a lifetime.
It’s lonely at the top.
Sure, I’m a taste that’s acquired,
No fairy-tale white knight.
I need a princess who sees under the surface,
a love at second sight.
Where’s that someone who will try something new?
No need to comparison shop.
Here, I’ve been waiting a lifetime.
It’s lonely at the top.
BRIDGE
Out there is someone who will love me just for me.
Out there is a future full of possibility.
Still, for every salt there’s a pepper.
Each Sonny has a Cher.
For every jelly, there’s some smooth peanut butter.
The world is full of pairs.
Where’s that someone who can make this one two?
A partner who I’ll never swap.
Dear, I’ve been waiting a lifetime.
It’s lonely at the top.
SCENE 3: The Enchanted Forest
DURING SCENE CHANGE:
NEWSBOY
Get your news here! Princess bruised; sues frozen pea manufacturer!
A tower, with a ladder propped up against it. THREE PIGS wearing construction helmets are arguing over blueprints. A WOLF stands nearby.
PORKY
Hey, can you get me some 2x4s?
HAMLET
Sure. How long do you need them?
PORKY
Better make it a few months. I gotta build a whole staircase, here.
FRANCIS BACON
Well, be careful. I heard about a guy who lost his whole left side in a construction accident.
(beat)
He’s all right now.
Luna and Jack walk in.
LUNA
Oh no! It’s a swine flu quarantine zone!
The wolf approaches Luna and Prince Jack.
BLITZER
I’m afraid you can’t be here.
LUNA
(to Jack)
I told you so.
BLITZER
I’m Wolf Blitzer, foreman of [name of local construction company], and this is an active work. . .
(looooong beat)
. . .Zone.
PRINCE JACK
What’s with the big pause?
Blitzer holds up his hands in front of him.
BLITZER
I dunno. I was born with them.
Suddenly a hairbrush gets thrown down from the tower and hits Prince Jack. RAPUNZEL, wearing a head scarf, appears.
RAPUNZEL
You lazy, boneheaded good-for-nothing!
(beat)
Oh. Sorry. You’re not Sheldon.
LUNA
Who’s Sheldon?
RAPUNZEL
The lazy, boneheaded good-for-nothing who was supposed to rescue me from this tower by moonlight. But there was no moonlight, so what did he do?
PRINCE JACK
I give up.
RAPUNZEL
ABSOLUTELY NOTHING.
PRINCE SHELDON runs in.
PRINCE SHELDON
Rapunzel, Rapunzel! Let down your long hair, my love!
RAPUNZEL
You’re too late, Sheldon.
PRINCE SHELDON
I swear by the moon, Rapunzel --
RAPUNZEL
Fat lot of good THAT’LL do you!
LUNA
(her bag glows, then fades)
Oh my gosh! No moonlight! I never realized. . .
PRINCE JACK
I know! Girls can be so irrational!
LUNA
Irrational!?
RAPUNZEL
Irrational?!
PRINCE SHELDON
Why is this construction crew here?
RAPUNZEL
I hired them.
She takes off her scarf -- her hair is short.
PRINCE SHELDON
(gasps)
You cut your beautiful hair?!
RAPUNZEL
Yes! I traded it to a wig maker for cash. Turns out I don’t need a prince -- just a staircase.
PRINCE SHELDON
(to Jack)
Tell her she’s making a big mistake.
RAPUNZEL
(to Luna)
Tell him the only mistake was waiting around for him.
(beat)
I have two words for you, Sheldon: THE END.
PRINCE SHELDON
You know what? I don’t need you and your fancy salon conditioner, and your dandruff phobia. I’m tired of finding your hair in my sink all the time. I just passed Little Miss Muffet on her tuffet, and I bet she’d be HAPPY to share her curds and whey!
He exits.
LUNA
(to Jack)
You can’t just let him walk off!
PRINCE JACK
Yes, I can! I need to find Felicity!
LUNA
How do you have any hope of finding true love if you won’t help anyone else find it?
PRINCE JACK
Okay, okay.
(to Sheldon, offstage)
Hey, Sheldon -- by any chance, are you afraid of spiders?
SONG 15: DISENCHANTED
RAPUNZEL:
Call me naïve in my tall ivory tower,
waiting and waiting with each passing hour,
nothing to do as my hair slowly grew,
pining away for a guy who didn’t come.
What did I get but a braid and a headache?
Which slowly spread to a wish-I-were-dead ache.
Swore to myself this was bad for my health,
that I would never again act quite so dumb.
Guess you could say I’m a bit disenchanted.
Don’t wanna wait for my wish to be granted.
Time to rescue myself because I cannot believe
that fairy tales come true.
That scenic view from my room wasn’t rosy,
locked in a cell that was less and less cozy.
And it got worse when I tried to converse
with bats and bugs who rarely answered back.
Stuck
in a prison, a girl can go crazy.
Some of the details have gotten quite hazy.
Knew it was time for this sister to climb
down and get my future on its track.
Guess you could say I’m a bit disenchanted.
Don’t wanna wait for my wish to be granted.
Time to rescue myself because I cannot believe
that fairy tales come true.
LUNA:
When it comes to love, you shoot for the stars.
When it comes to love, no journey’s too far.
Love is worth waiting for.
Love
conquers all
right from the moment you fall.
RAPUNZEL:
Honey, don’t wait for some grand love affair.
Just wash that man right out of your hair.
Know in my heart that I have to be smart,
stop falling for a prince with just one glance.
LUNA:
You read the stories while still in your cradle.
Life without love: it can often be fatal.
Some knucklehead who’s not easily led:
maybe he deserves a second chance.
BOTH:
Every word he whispers
is a secret tune.
Every one of his kisses, I know,
will send me over the moon.
Maybe I won’t be disenchanted.
Change the story so it’s not slanted.
I can rescue myself because I still believe
that fairy tales come true.
SCENE 4: The bear cave
DURING SCENE CHANGE:
NEWSBOY
Social Services condemns living conditions of large family in a shoe. . .Read all about it!
Jean-Claude enters with a bowl.
JEAN-CLAUDE
Ah, bonjour, Mademoiselle. I’ve brought you some porridge.
FELICITY
Porridge?
JEAN-CLAUDE
Oui. It’s not very exciting, but at least it’s not too hot or too cold.
Felicity takes the bowl.
FELICITY
Thank you for being so kind to me. Especially when I’ve been so rude.
JEAN-CLAUDE
My master -- you know, he wasn’t always this way.
FELICITY
You mean a giant?
JEAN-CLAUDE
He prefers “vertically gifted.”
(beat)
I’m just saying. . .underneath all that. . .height. . .he’s not so bad.
HUGO (O.S.)
I mean it, Little Boy Blue. I don’t care if you’re Louis Armstrong! You pick up that stupid horn again, and I’m calling the cops!
He stumbles onto the stage.
HUGO (CONT’D)
(sourly)
Oh, great. It’s you.
JEAN-CLAUDE
(stands, to Felicity)
I’m just saying.
He exits.
FELICITY
I. . .want to thank you. For saving my life in the woods.
HUGO
If I’d known you were like the rest of them, I would have left you there.
FELICITY
The rest of who?
HUGO
All those silly girls who only care about looks.
FELICITY
You don’t know anything about me!
HUGO
I know you can’t stand to be in the same room as me. In some cultures, you know, I’d be considered tall, dark, and handsome.
FELICITY
You’re tall, all right. And when it’s dark, you’re handsome.
HUGO
Well, at least I’m not deaf, dumb, and BLONDE.
FELICITY
Can you get satellite reception up there?
HUGO
Oh, I guess that last insult went over your head. . .
FELICITY
Fee Fie Foe Fum.
They growl at each other.
SONG 16: DRIVING ME CRAZY
FELICITY:
Never felt like this before.
My blood pressure’s starting to soar.
These are feelings I can’t ignore.
It’s true he’s driving me crazy!
HUGO:
Must confess that this is a first.
Feel my head is going to burst.
And I think it’s gonna get worse.
It’s true she’s driving me crazy!
FELICITY: He’s a few puppies shy of a pet shop.
HUGO: She’s several links short of a chain.
FELICITY: He’s eating with a single chopstick.
HUGO: Her silo’s missing all its grain.
FELICITY: The oven’s on, but nothing’s cooking.
HUGO: One taco’s gone from her lunch plate.
FELICITY: Takes him two hours to watch 60 Minutes.
HUGO & FELICITY: It’s true, it’s you I hate!
FELICITY:
Maybe, you could take a long walk off a short pier.
Baby, how I wish you weren’t here!
FELICITY:
HUGO:
Maybe,
Must confess that this is a first.
you could take a long
Feel my head is going to burst.
walk off a short pier.
Baby,
And I think it’s gonna get worse.
It’s true you’re driving
It’s true you’re driving
me crazy!
me crazy!
FELICITY: I think the cheese slid off his cracker.
HUGO: She’d move to Phoenix and build an igloo.
FELICITY: He fell out of his family tree.
HUGO: Is that your shoe size or IQ?
FELICITY: He’s several feet short of the runway.
HUGO: She’s fishing but she’s missing bait.
FELICITY: He’s just a few clowns shy of a circus.
HUGO & FELICITY:
It’s true, it’s you I hate!
Never felt like this before,
but it’s you I do abhor.
And I will forevermore.
It’s true you’re driving me crazy.
It’s true you’re driving me crazy!
SCENE 5: The Enchanted Forest
DURING SCENE CHANGE:
NEWSBOY
Extra! Extra! Giant beanstalk prompts organic farmers to protest in front of [name of local grocery store]!
The trees are standing at attention.
TREE 2
Did you hear about the snare drum and the cymbals that fell out of the tree?
DRUM: Badummmm TSSSSSH.
Luna and Prince Jack enter.
PRINCE JACK
Prince Sheldon and Rapunzel agreed to do couples counseling with Mother Goose. She’s good. She got Jack Be Nimble to kick his pyromania habit.
LUNA
I hope it works out for them. There’s nothing like true love.
PRINCE JACK
