by Jo Ramsey
For the next few minutes, I ignored the dispatcher’s attempts at reassuring me. I made “uh-huh” sounds so he would know I hadn’t hung up, but I didn’t pay attention to what he was saying. I breathed more easily, and my legs at least supported me, but that didn’t mean I wasn’t still completely terrified. I was just trying harder to pretend I was okay.
Finally, blue lights flashed off the houses nearby. A few seconds later, a cruiser pulled to a stop out front. I wondered why they hadn’t used a siren. Probably because it was so late. They didn’t want to wake everyone. I couldn’t think of any other reason.
“They’re here,” I told the dispatcher.
“Okay. I’ll wait until they’re at your door.”
A tall guy who looked more like a football linebacker than a cop got out of the car and came up the walk. I opened the door before he could knock. “Hi.”
“Hi.” He frowned. “Who’s on the phone?”
“The dispatcher.”
“I’m going to let you go now,” the dispatcher said. “Good job. I hope things work out.”
“Thanks.” I disconnected the call and stepped back to let the officer in. “Um, thank you. For coming here, I mean.”
“No problem.” He came inside and closed the door. “You’re Mira, right?”
“Yeah.”
He nodded. “Another car has gone to your… friend?”
“Yeah. My best friend.” I looked down at the floor. “Well, probably not anymore.”
“You did the right thing by calling us.” He held out his hand. “Your phone, please.”
“Oh. Yeah.” I opened the text conversation with Rob and handed over the phone.
Down the hall, a door clicked. “Mira?” Dad called.
“Come out here,” I said.
The officer started scrolling through the messages as Dad hurried into the room. “What’s going on? Mira, are you okay?”
“Rob—” My voice broke, and tears streamed down my face. I couldn’t hold it in anymore. Everything was falling apart, including me.
Dad pulled me into his arms and cradled the back of my head with his hand the way he’d always done when I was little. “It’s okay. Shh, Mira, it’s okay.”
It wasn’t okay. It would never be okay again. Rob had threatened to kill people. He’d threatened me. Maybe the police had stopped him, but things would never be okay again.
Something crackled, and then a voice said, “Suspect in custody.”
My knees buckled, and everything went black.
Rob’s Journal—who the hell knows when
THAT BITCH. That fucking bitch! She told them. She said she wouldn’t, but she told them!
Now I’m sitting in this frigging place. I don’t know what they call it. I don’t care. I’m locked up the way everyone wanted. Mira must have wanted it too. I should never have trusted her. She’s just like the rest of them.
My father gave up. He said so. He said he’s done with me because no son of his would be this much of a mess.
It’s Mira’s fault. All of it. She told on me. Goddamn little tattletale. I told her to stay home. She wouldn’t have gotten hurt if she’d just kept her mouth shut. I was doing her a favor! She would have lived, and she wouldn’t have had to deal with the assholes anymore. If any of them were alive after I got done, they would have left her alone.
Now they get to continue their sorry, stupid lives. They’re going to keep treating Mira like shit. She deserves it now. She deserves the worst things that can happen to her, because thanks to her I’m locked up here and I don’t know if I’m ever going home. Even if the people here let me out, my father won’t take me back.
This is Mira’s fault. I’m going to get her. I don’t know how, but I’m going to get her. She isn’t going to get away with betraying me. She shouldn’t have cared if they died. Why do they matter more to her than I do?
Maybe I shouldn’t have told her I would go after her if she talked. Maybe she would have kept her mouth shut if I hadn’t scared her.
But that’s no excuse. She knows I wouldn’t hurt her. I told her I would so she would understand that she couldn’t say anything. I was angry. She knew that. So she knew I didn’t mean it when I said I would come after her.
I mean it now. So much for being a friend. If I ever get out of here, she’s going to pay.
I’m not supposed to have my journal here. And especially not a pen. I don’t know why they let me keep it. Maybe because I’m only here until they figure out what to do with me.
They can read it. I don’t care. They can read me saying I’m going to pay Mira back for this. She kept telling me she cared. That she was my friend. That she wanted them to pay for hurting me too. And now she does this.
I’m never going to forgive her. Never.
Chapter Ten
MONDAY, DAD let me stay home from school. He called his job and told them he had a family emergency and wouldn’t be in, and he said Olin could stay home too.
Olin went to school anyway. He said he had a test in his algebra class. I didn’t believe him. Olin never cared about tests. He just wanted to hear all the gossip about Rob. By then, word must have spread.
I had no problem with staying home. I didn’t want to ever go to school again now that this had happened. Everyone knew I was the psycho’s best friend. With Rob gone, they would all turn on me. They might even blame me for what he’d almost done.
Dad woke me at ten. “The police called. They need us to go in so you can fill out a report about Rob’s texts. Someone might need to talk to you too.”
“I don’t want to.” I rolled onto my side and put the pillow over my head. “Leave me alone. I already talked to them.”
“They’re investigating, and you’re the one Rob texted.” Dad yanked the pillow out of my grasp. “I’m not any happier about making you do this than you are about doing it, but when the police say they need information, you give them information. Let’s go.”
“Whatever.”
I didn’t want to talk to anyone. Rob might be going to jail because of me. Because I hadn’t kept my mouth shut the way he’d wanted. I didn’t have to make things worse by continuing to tell people what he’d done. But as Dad said, if the police wanted to know more, I couldn’t exactly refuse to tell them.
Fortunately, I didn’t have to answer too many questions. A female officer asked me and Dad to sit in a conference room. She gave me a legal pad and asked me to write down what I remembered from the conversation with Rob the night before.
After I finished that, she asked me some questions about what I’d written and about whether Rob had made threats in any of our other conversations. I couldn’t lie to the police. I had to admit Rob had said things in the past about wanting to get rid of the people who bullied him, but I emphasized that he hadn’t made any actual threats. He’d just wished the bullies were gone. I wasn’t sure the officer saw any difference, though.
After that was finally over, Dad and I went straight home. I lay down on the couch. I didn’t want to move for the rest of the day. Maybe the rest of my life.
“Do you want something to eat?” Dad asked.
“I’m not hungry.” All I wanted was for him to leave me alone.
“I’m going to make grilled cheese. If you want one, the sandwiches will be out here.” He went into the kitchen.
For the next few hours, I watched on-demand reruns of some detective show I’d never seen before. I didn’t pay enough attention to figure out any of the cases, but the show dulled my brain enough to stop me from thinking about Rob. Dad stayed in the kitchen, and when I wandered in to take one of the sandwiches and a bottle of water, he didn’t say anything to me. That was good. If he’d tried to talk, I probably would have gone off on him.
When Olin got home from school, he dropped his backpack by the door and plopped onto the couch beside me. “Rob got arrested.”
“Yeah.” I stared at the TV, hoping he would take the hint that I didn’t want to listen to him.
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Of course, he didn’t. “A lot of people were talking about it at school. Saying he’s crazy and stuff. They think if he gets out, he’s going to try again.”
“I don’t care, Olin.” Of course people at school would say shit like that. They always assumed the worst about Rob. That was one of their favorite things to do. Speculating about whether Rob was sane or not.
“Some people said you must have had something to do with him being arrested.”
I picked up the pillow beside me and threw it at him. “I don’t frigging care! I don’t want to hear about school. I don’t want to hear about idiots. Leave me alone!”
“Sorry. Jeez.” He stood up. “Some of them said you’re a hero if you are the one who turned him in. I thought maybe you’d want to know that.”
“I don’t.” I curled my legs up and rested my head on the arm of the couch, since the pillow was on the floor now and I didn’t feel like picking it up. “Go away.”
“Are you going to be okay?”
The kid clearly didn’t grasp the concept of leaving me alone. I started to yell at him again, but when I looked up at his wide eyes, I stopped myself. He wasn’t trying to be a pain in the ass. He was worried about me.
I didn’t have an answer for him. “I don’t know. I don’t know what’s going to happen. But I really can’t deal with hearing anything more about school, okay? Please?”
“Yeah. Sorry.” He hesitated. “You are, though.”
I groaned. “I am what?”
“A hero.” He left the room.
I stared at the doorway. People thought I was a hero. They didn’t know a damn thing. I wasn’t a hero. I was a coward.
I’d betrayed the one person in my life whose side I’d sworn I would always be on. Now I had no way to find out anything about him. Olin said Rob had been arrested, which he probably had. I knew he’d been taken into custody, but I didn’t know whether he was in jail or back home. I didn’t know what would happen to him. He might even have to serve time.
I’d tried to talk him out of the shooting so he wouldn’t ruin his life, and then I’d turned around and ruined it for him.
In the kitchen, Dad’s phone rang. A moment later, Dad spoke. “Hello? Oh. Hello, Lee-Anne.”
I held my breath. Of course Lee-Anne would call. She was probably furious with me. Whatever was happening to Rob now was my fault. Lee-Anne and Rob’s father would make sure I knew it. They already believed I caused most of his problems. This was just one more thing I’d done to mess up their kid.
“She didn’t go to school,” Dad said. “She wasn’t in any shape to deal with it.” He paused. “I’m sorry you feel that way. I saw the texts he sent. He wasn’t whining, and he made some serious threats, including against Mira. I stand behind her. She did the right thing.”
I hadn’t realized Dad had read the texts. After I passed out, he and the officer had gotten me to the couch. The only other thing I’d heard was the officer saying he wanted to call an ambulance and Dad saying no, I would be okay and if I wasn’t, he would take me to the hospital himself.
Thank goodness the cop had dropped the subject and Dad had decided I was all right. I’d spent more than enough time in hospitals when Mom was sick. I wouldn’t go to one if I could help it.
“I understand,” Dad said. “As I said, I’m sorry you feel that way, but Mira did what she thought she had to do. If he’s gone, she wouldn’t be able to contact him anyway, would she? So I don’t think you have anything to worry about. Have a nice day.”
Something thudded; then Dad walked into the living room. “How much of that did you hear?”
“All of it, I guess.” I sat up again. “She thinks I got Rob into trouble on purpose or something?”
“She and his father think you overreacted.” Dad dropped onto the cushion beside me. “But she admitted he had his father’s gun in his room. They don’t know whether he was going to take it to school or use it on himself.”
“Probably both.” Rob had told me they would all die. He would have used the last bullet in the gun on himself.
“Maybe.” Dad hesitated. “Rob’s going to be in a psychiatric crisis unit for a while. Lee-Anne said they don’t know how long he’ll have to stay, and at worst, he might be transferred to a longer-term facility. For now, though, he’s going to that Clear View place right across the town line.”
“Maybe that’ll be a good place for him. It looks pretty.” It was a stupid thing to say. Hospitals weren’t pretty. But the cluster of buildings Dad was talking about looked more like a farm than anything. They even had horses.
“Maybe. Anyway, Rob will be there for a while. Lee-Anne asked me to tell you not to try to contact him. He doesn’t have his phone, and you aren’t on his approved visitors list.”
“I wasn’t going to.” Even if I wanted to talk to Rob, he would never be willing to talk to me after what I’d done. And I was a little afraid to even try. “His parents don’t have anything to worry about. I’ll stay away from him. She didn’t have to say so.”
“They’re just upset.” Dad put his arm around me. “It isn’t your problem, okay? They’re angry about the entire situation, and since you’re the one who actually called the police, you’re an easy target. Don’t worry about them.”
“If you don’t want me to worry, why did you tell me?” I pulled away from him. “This sucks. Really. They already blamed me for his problems. Now they’re probably thinking I told him to steal the gun or something. They probably think I encouraged him to shoot people!”
“Don’t yell.” Dad moved a few inches away from me. “I know you’re upset, Mira, but losing your temper isn’t going to help.”
“I don’t care!” I jumped to my feet. I couldn’t stay near Dad. “Nothing’s going to help. Olin said everyone at school’s talking about it. They already figured out I’m the one who turned Rob in.” A wave of dizziness hit me, and I dropped back onto the couch so I wouldn’t fall. “I don’t want to go back there.”
“You have to go to school.” Dad sighed. “I understand how you feel, but you can’t avoid them forever. I guess you can stay home again tomorrow, but the longer you wait to go back, the harder it will be. Maybe we should arrange for you to talk to the school social worker?”
“I guess.” If I had to be at school anyway, talking to someone who might be able to help me deal with what had happened would be better than walking around the halls with everyone whispering and interrogating me.
“I’ll go with you in the morning.” Dad stood. “My boss told me this morning I can take more time if I need to. I told him what happened.”
“Great. Everyone knows.” I closed my eyes. “I don’t want to watch the news, because it’ll probably be on that too. I don’t want this to be real.”
My voice cracked, and tears leaked out from under my eyelids. “Dad, tell me it isn’t real. Please. Tell me this didn’t happen. I’m sleeping. I’ll wake up and meet Rob before school like always, and everything will be fine.”
By the last sentence, my voice was so garbled by crying that I didn’t know whether Dad understood a word I said. It didn’t matter. I couldn’t stop sobbing. My entire body suddenly hurt, but it wasn’t physical pain. Everything just hurt.
“It’s okay, Mira.” The cushions moved slightly as Dad sat down again. He put his hand on my leg. “It happened, honey. I wish I could say otherwise. But everything’s going to be okay. Rob’s getting help now. That’s a good thing. And I’m going to make sure you have help to work through this too.”
“No.” A moment earlier, I’d been okay with the idea of talking to the social worker, but now I didn’t want to talk to anyone. I was fine. I didn’t need everyone thinking I was crazy on top of what they already believed.
Rob was getting help. Help he should have had months ago. I should have realized how bad he was getting. I had realized, but I’d denied it. All this time I’d spent convincing myself Rob was fine, I should have done more. Maybe I would even have been able t
o persuade his parents to let him talk to his doctor or something.
At least I should have stuck by him more. For the past few months, I’d been so hung up on Talia that I’d pretty much abandoned Rob. Lee-Anne was right. This was my fault.
Talia had been right to talk to Mrs. Reynolds. I’d thought I was being a good friend by refusing to go without telling Rob, but if I’d told him, he would have told me to keep quiet. I should have gone with Talia. That was what a good friend really would have done. Made sure Rob got help.
“What are you thinking?” Dad asked softly.
“I should have done more for him.” My voice broke again. I sniffled and wiped away a couple of tears with my fingertips. “I knew he needed help, and I didn’t tell anyone. If I’d said anything, he wouldn’t have done this.”
“You don’t know that.” Dad paused. “How many times did you and Rob try to tell your vice principals about the bullying? They never did anything.”
“Mrs. Reynolds tried to help him after Talia talked to her.” I opened my eyes but couldn’t look at Dad. He’d even told me he was worried about Rob, and I’d brushed it off. He would probably agree I’d been a bad friend. “Talia wanted me to go with her to see Mrs. Reynolds, and I said no. I didn’t want to go behind Rob’s back, but I knew more of the stuff he’s been saying than Talia, so I should have gone.”
“You can’t put this on yourself,” Dad said firmly. “There are plenty of adults in Rob’s life who should have paid more attention and didn’t. They’re the ones who should have gotten him help before it came to this. It wasn’t your responsibility. To be honest, I think you’re the only reason Rob didn’t get to this point sooner.”
“I don’t think so.” But maybe Dad was right. I’d stayed up for hours all those nights texting with Rob when he needed me. Maybe I should have told someone else how much he was struggling, but at least I’d been there for him. No matter how late it was, and no matter how much Rob’s rants scared me, I’d always been there. I’d tried.
It was my fault. It wasn’t my fault. I was too tired to figure it out.
