by Phenomenon
“I do know.” Kenisha retorted.
“How?” Taurus asked with her head tucked forward.
“Because every day with you feels like this. Every time you kiss me and hold me. All of the times when you make me laugh and when you talk about God. When you speak about God, to me it feels like you’re rubbing my back with a sponge just like this.” Kenisha commented.
Taurus had never been told something so awesome. She raised her head and kissed her wife deeply, running her fingers through her hair. It was passionate and steamy. Taurus began undressing Kenisha and pulled her into the tub with her. Taurus began washing her naked body. She would kiss Kenisha, then wash her, then kiss her, then wash her. They enjoyed each other with warmth as their bodies made ripples in the water. The bubbles danced on arbitrary parts of their body throughout the action. They were in love.
Taurus
As the night drew to a close and they’d tired each other out, Taurus climbed in bed and fell into a deep slumber. Around 4am she was awakened by a tap. Taurus heard, “See who she really is!” Taurus thought that she was dreaming but she again felt the tap. “Open your eyes and see who she really is!” Taurus recognized God’s voice. She was so afraid. She didn’t want to disobey God but Taurus was afraid of what she’d see if she looked up. Taurus slowly opened her eyes in the dark tented room that was illuminated by the moon light.
When she opened her eyes she saw Kenisha kneeling on Taurus’ side of the bed praying over her. Kenisha had a slight glow surrounding her and Taurus felt God’s presence. She lay still and listened to Kenisha pray in a whisper.
“God, I repent if I do things that aren’t pleasing to you. But with the confusion of this world it’s so easy to get side tracked and think you’re doing a good thing and stuff just gets you all tangled up. But I want to please you cause I’m so grateful. I thought I’d never find someone to love me and you gave me somebody to love me. God I pray that you heal her. She can get so angry at times and it’s hard being her. Taurus is a great woman. You did a great job God I promise. She’s so nice to me and I feel safe with her. You and I both know that the men of the world aren’t safe anymore. So please protect her and give her all of the great blessings that you have for her because she’s just the bee’s knees. Keep her healthy and happy and give her joy and peace and money and everything God. Just give her everything great in this world and the next. Oh and please forgive her too for her sin. We just out here trying to function.” Kenisha gave God a smile, slightly kissed Taurus’ head carefully not to wake her and climbed back in bed.
Taurus was blown away. There was nothing to be afraid of. Kenisha was a God send. She was praying for her. Jesus Christ, Taurus thought. She’d married a woman that was praying for her in her sleep. Taurus wanted to passionately rip her clothing from her body as it was nothing sexier than a woman that knew how to intercede on her behalf but Taurus knew that she wasn’t supposed to hear that. So she pretended to re-adjust in her sleep and rolled over. She pulled Kenisha close to her and wrapped her arms around her body. Together, they fell into a doze.
Corey
Corey was stoked about the apartment. He was keeping Kenisha’s furniture but certain things like the awesome new stereo system that the landlord replaced was going to her new place. The other things were staying. Corey had grabbed his few belongings from the house and was packing up Kenisha’s clothing and shoes. Her vinyl albums, feminine red satin bed sheets and some of her art sat by the door waiting to be picked up by Taurus.
Corey and Taurus had been communicating a lot more due to their fondness of each other. Taurus was like the cool brother that he’d never had. She had cool masculine clothes and shoes. She owned the best cologne and she knew all of the cool rap music. Recently Taurus had updated her security system. She’d added cameras to every angle outside of the house. She’d convinced Corey to do the same for the apartment and even got a better deal on the cameras because of the double buy. Corey didn’t know exactly how to operate the Logitech camera remote control yet but he’d planned on asking Taurus to help when she arrived.
When Taurus showed up she parked her car directly in front of the apartment complex. She felt lucky to get such a great parking considering that she had so many of Kenisha’s things to move from the house, lots of boxes and more knick knacks that Kenisha felt that she just couldn’t live without. Taurus, just as Corey had planned, ended up spending an elongated amount of time just hanging out, listening to Pandora comedy stations on the surround sound television speakers, playing video games and explaining the new security features on the cameras. Once Corey felt that he had the hang of it, the two began loading the last of Kenisha’s immediate needs onto the dolly and carrying them outside.
Taurus walked out and under the pale blue sky noticed the rainbow colors of paint lining the side of the driver side door of her car. There were large splatters of paint that were identical to that of a paintball gun. It appeared that someone had shot Taurus’ car with a paintball gun with the colors of the gay pride flag. It was clearly a personal issue. The rainbow colors were no coincidence. Taurus, using every drop of her composure, simply stood in awe. She then continued to load the things into the car. Corey was speechless. He had no idea up until the last few weeks about the type of hate that lesbian and gay couples experience on a day to day basis. It was one thing to hear about it on the news or watch a YouTube rant by some gay chick about how hard it is to be her but this act of hatred hit home. This made Corey desire to be more active in the fight for civil rights. His sisters were great women with big hearts. Why was it so hard for people to just leave them alone? No one had ever questioned the inner workings of the relationship that his dad and his mom had because they were a straight couple but he was one of the worst guys in the world. Kenisha and Taurus were peaceful ladies that wanted to do as much as they could for everyone around them. Corey was encouraged by Taurus’ display of control. She seemed to have a peace, that peace that the pastors always talked about, that surpassed all understanding.
“You alright sis?” Corey asked.
“Ah yea.” Taurus brushed it off. “I can wash this off. At least they didn’t spray paint it this time.” She laughed while looking on the bright side.
Corey stood tall with pride. If Taurus could be strong and calm about something so terrible, then Corey felt like he could withstand anything that the world was going to throw at him as well. He suddenly wanted to be exactly like his new big sister, not just in the physical and financial but now in the spiritual as well.
Taurus
Taurus drove home in silence. She prayed in the car. She asked God if she was living up to what He wanted her to be. She thought that the reason things were so stressful back in Chicago was because she wasn’t where God wanted her to be. God forbid that the bible bashers were right and that He wanted her to be with a man regardless of how it made her feel. God responded. “I care about the things you want. I care. You are exactly where you are supposed to be to fulfill MY purpose. Second guess me not.”
Taurus without delay felt calm. Regardless of what had just happened, those few words from God provided Taurus with such confidence that she knew she could continue to walk on faith. In the midst of her peaceful drive Taurus drove upon a gapers delay in traffic. It was two blocks outside of her church. She knew that she would never be returning but she still somehow felt that it was her church until she’d found a new one. Once at the corner she saw two news vans from separate channels, fire trucks and paramedics parked outside of the church. There were familiar members standing along the sidewalk. One friendly member of the church that worked in the office happened to be standing to the left of Taurus’ car looking at the action with her hands over her face.
Taurus rolled down her window and addressed the mourning woman. “Excuse me, what happened in there?” The woman looked up from her hands with tears in her eyes and recognized Taurus as a regular attendee of the church. “It’s Rochelle from the Board of Programming. She kill
ed herself on the altar last night. They just found her not too long ago. She left a letter. It’s all over the internet. People are posting it everywhere. I feel so bad. I felt like we should’ve known. We should’ve helped her.” The young woman turned her back and began to weep into her hands again.
Taurus felt a dark hole in the pit of her stomach. She replayed the previous day’s conversation with Sister Rochelle. Taurus’ last words rang in her mind. “Kill yourself! Just kill yourself!” Taurus didn’t know that she would do it. She was just angry that Rochelle had tried to put her down by saying that she needed saving by the hands of the church. Taurus shook uncontrollably.
“Your words matter.” God said in an instant. “But this alarm would’ve gone off without your interference.”
Taurus pulled over to the side of the road. She couldn’t help but to ask for forgiveness over and over and over and over. She tried to stop the words from ringing in her head. “Kill yourself! Just kill yourself!” Taurus begged for God to make it stop and He did after a daunting 4 minutes. Taurus felt like it was the longest 4 minutes of her life. Taurus pulled out her phone to call Kenisha. She was always able to give her a clear view of any situation. When Taurus checked her phone a friend from work that also attended the church had emailed a copy of Rochelle’s suicide note that had been circulating the internet. Taurus opened the email to quickly read Rochelle’s last words hoping that God would reveal some form of forgiveness for Taurus’ harshness in Rochelle’s last hour.
“People, I write to you with a heavy heart. I believe that I’ve served my father well. I have felt like yelling for years but I knew that no one would have sympathy for me. So please accept this sacrifice as the loudest sound that you’ve ever heard. I know the Word of God and I know that He has forgiven me for cheating my way through the exit door but I was not accepted here. This world didn’t want me, not the real me. It wanted the perfect imitation of my flawed self. I learned recently that love can be found almost anywhere. It was such a shame that the love that I found was said to not be pleasing in God’s sight even though it was so pure. I tithed. I served. I prayed and I taught but none of that was enough. So I dedicated myself to redemption, my own as well as others. The R.E.P.A.I.R.S. Program was my way to earn my way back into God’s good graces. If I could stop others from having the same sinful thoughts and feelings that I had, perhaps God would finally accept me. I promised people that God would change them even when I knew that I myself had not been fully healed. I’ve offended so many people as a hypocrite trying to earn my wings. I thank the church for constantly letting me stay even though I was an evil, woman loving homosexual. I heard regularly how those like me wouldn’t make it into heaven and even after working so hard, I still to no avail wouldn’t be one of the saints marching in. God would never be happy with my existence. The Christians here are very strong in their hate. The Christians here are very strong in their judgment. The Christians here don’t serve Christ in the way that I think He wants us to serve but I don’t know. I don’t know what He wants but I can tell that He may not want me, not like this. Everyone here at the church has taught me that. So in an effort to let God know how dedicated I am to making him happy. I’ve always been taught that I was created for His glory; but the Christians say that there is no glorious victory in loving the same sex. So since God finds no glory in me alive, I must be cut off. Because anything that doesn’t bear fruit should be cut off, right? God isn’t pleased with my desires that I can’t control nor do I want to live constantly trying to control them. It makes me feel like an animal so I will sacrifice my life on this altar in my last attempt to make God proud of me, to make Him love me, asking that He accepts my death since my life was not pleasing to Him. Yes, this will prompt God to accept me; the real me. The naked me that loves another woman. Pray for my soul, family. I’m so exhausted from worrying if God will accept me that I’m willing to just go and find out. I can’t wait one more day to be loved and although I may not make it into heaven, I have to give it a shot. I won’t wait. I have to take a chance to find the one place where I can be loved for being me, so I’m going to my father on the throne. Pray my safe travels to the King and look for my star in the sky. To my secret sisters in the church, don’t be like me. In this letter I will do you a favor and free you myself.”
At that point in the letter Sister Rochelle began outing and naming as many Christian lesbian women that she knew were in the closet in the church. Some of the women were ordinary sanctified church members and others were prominent figures from all over the city in Methodist, Catholic, Baptist, and Pentecostal churches. They were pastors and ministers and evangelist; a lot of whom had spoken out publicly condemning homosexuality. There were 11 names on the list including the pastor’s wife at the church where Rochelle took her life, which is the person that Rochelle identified as the woman that she loved; whom Rochelle declared also loved her back.
Taurus found comfort in knowing that it was nothing that she said that could’ve activated such desperation. This wasn’t Taurus’ fault but she wasn’t fine. Taurus barely trusted herself to drive the rest of the way home. She pulled into the driveway and ran to the door. Once she got into the house she made a beeline straight for the bathroom where she fell to her knees vomiting. She was officially overwhelmed.
Kenisha
Kenisha saw that the front door was standing open. She closed the door and went to search for Taurus who was violently heaving into the toilet.
“What’s wrong?” Kenisha asked while holding Taurus’ hair and rubbing her back. “Baby tell me where it hurts. What’s wrong? Is it about the paintballs? Corey called me. We can get the car fixed. I’ll pay for it myself baby please stop crying. You’re making yourself sicker.”
Taurus finally stopped jerking. Kenisha grabbed a towel and washed her face. Taurus fell from her knees with her back against the hot tub. She dropped silent tears with her own mean words to Rochelle replaying along with the suicide letter ringing in her head. How was she going to explain that to Kenisha? It was so much that she was feeling. Taurus’ chest was tight. She was covered in sweat. Kenisha continued to put cold water on the towel and wipe Taurus’ neck, upper back and face with it to cool her down.
“The girl from the church yesterday killed herself.” Taurus finally blurted out.
Kenisha was silent. She’d been hearing about some woman who’d committed suicide at a church on Facebook the entire day but she never opened the article on Yahoo. “It was Rochelle?! Oh my goodness!” Kenisha sat stunned.
“The letter…the letter she wrote was chilling. I don’t even know if I want to be called a Christian anymore after that baby because I don’t belong in a group with those types of people. I’ll just say that I’m a follower of Christ.” Taurus exclaimed as she shook her head out of shame. She was embarrassed by those people who called themselves Christians. The way they pushed that girl to the edge and made her feel like death was her only option for love, as if her receiving God’s love was something that they got to vote on.
“Listen, um.” Taurus slightly adjusted her back against the tub and pulled herself together a bit to inform Kenisha of the rest of the bizarre news. “Also, at the end of the letter, you wouldn’t believe it. She started naming off closeted lesbian women in the churches across the city. It was like 11 names.” Taurus told Kenisha with an awkward smirk.
Kenisha, curious about the change in facial expressions knew that there was more to the story. “She outted a lot of women? Oh snap! Are there any that are famous? Do we know any of ‘em?!” Taurus raised her head and said. “Your momma’s on that list!”
Chapter 22: Indescribable Feelings & Actions
Ginger
Fillmore and Ginger had been establishing their home together as a married couple. The rumors in Niagara Falls were at their all time high. There was rambling about Pastor Fillmore embracing his lesbian step daughters and even allowing them to get married in the church which, as the people said, God would not be pleased wi
th. Fillmore had lost a considerable amount of members from the church but still maintained the true members that supported the evolution of his ministry and the new members that the rumors had actually attracted. Ginger wanted to speak to her daughter and see how things were going. She was concerned that she hadn’t heard from her and wanted to know if things were just as crazy for her as they were in the Fillmore house.
The phone rang only one time before Taurus picked up with a rushed “Hello!” Ginger felt great to hear Taurus’ excitement to answer her call. It had been a while since things were that way. “Hey baby! How are you?” Ginger greeted her daughter with a smile.
Taurus moved swiftly into her office and closed the door. She began fanatically pacing the floor. “Momma, oh my God! You can’t imagine. It’s been so crazy and I really need you. I just need you to pray with me or be here with me or just hold me momma. I don’t know how much more of this I can take.”
Taurus fell to her knees in the middle of the floor in the upstairs workspace. Her tears stained the hardwood floors and slowly leaked into the cracks in between. Ginger listened as Taurus told her everything from the attack at Kenisha’s old place and the spray paint on her house to the rainbow paintballs on the car door and the church girl suicide.
