by Dan Jenkins
“Nicely said, Chuck. If I may, I’d like to drop in a word about the title sponsor, RealMeat.com. This is the company’s fourth year in golf, and I must say they’re as excited as ever to be associated with these fine young men who’ve worked so hard to become a part of what I call the upper echelon of the game.”
“It was terrific fun last night, wasn’t it? Having dinner with Mace Lawson, the CEO of Real Meat, and his assistant, Pete Scogie. Great guys. I see Timmy Jack is ready to golf his ball, as we say out here. What do you think he’ll try to do with it, Ted?”
“I wouldn’t be surprised to see him chip it in. I think he’ll take it up the slope, a couple of inches inside the fur, as we call it, and let it slide down to the left, then make the slow curve back to the right. I say if he gets the speed right, it cruises straight into the jaws. We know how badly he wants that 57.”
“Indeed, we do. Uh-oh. That’s not exactly what he had in mind, is it? He stubbed it or something. He’s left himself—what—thirty feet short?”
“Somewhere in that range, Chuck. Not a pretty sound, is it? That groan from the gallery? I call it the chorus of heartbreak.”
“Ted, that is so descriptive.”
“Thank you, Chuck.”
“I’ve got shivers.”
“Thank you again, but this is not about me. It’s about Timmy Jack Kendrick. He has a good excuse for the chip in my book. Those photographers down there made a lot of noise on his backswing. These press people, I’m telling you. They’ll never understand that these fine young men are just out here trying to make a living for their families.”
“That wasn’t his middle finger, was it?”
“What middle finger?”
“The gesture Timmy Jack gave that woman.”
“I didn’t see it. I can’t report what I didn’t see.”
“He gave her the old … you know.”
“I’m sure he was saying, ‘I’m still Number One out here, whether you like it or not, lady.’ ”
“If you say so. Whoa! He’s left this one short, too, Ted. It looks like fifteen feet short, and it was downhill. Goodness me.”
“It’s that darn grain. These greens are absolutely perfect—I’ll take ’em over my living room carpet. But they do have their uneven spots, as all the rest of us do in this thing called life. But there’s no give-up in this young man. Like all the others out here. Down to the last man to miss the cut. Not an ounce of give-up.”
“Wow. Timmy Jack just walked up and rammed this one ten feet by. He’s not in the best frame of mind right now, is he, Ted?”
“He’ll regroup. That’s what these fine young men do.”
“There’s still some commotion going on between Timmy Jack and that woman. Do you see our foot soldier down there anywhere?”
“We don’t call them ‘foot soldiers’ anymore, Chuck. Gotta watch the slip of the tongue. Jason is our on-course correspondent. ‘Foot soldier’ has always been demeaning in my estimation. I believe I see Jason over there behind the bunker on the left. Hey, ho, Jason. What have you got for us?”
“It’s a pretty nasty situation, guys. The lady seems to have some sort of issue with Timmy Jack. She’s been heckling him the last two holes.”
“She looks rather attractive from up here, Jason.”
“She is, as a matter of fact.”
“Any idea what this is about?”
“All I can say is, they apparently know each other from somewhere.”
“We’ll be coming back to you, Jason.”
“Oh no!”
“What, Ted?”
“Timmy Jack just missed it from a foot. He’s heading for a triple, maybe a quad.”
“Well, that’s a darn shame. As I’ve said before about composure …”
“My God! He just pulled down his pants. He’s mooning the cup … and the woman. Shouldn’t that be considered conduct unbecom …?”
“They’re screaming in the truck, Ted!”
“Back in two, golf fans.”
The following previously published essays are reprinted here by permission of Condé Nast: “America’s Gift to Golf,” “British Open Memories,” “Celebrities” as “The Old Crosby,” “Cure for Betrayals” as “19th Hole,” “Destinations” as “19th Hole,” “Feuds,” “Greatest Moments,” “Literature Meets Golf,” “Masters Memories,” “Member Guests,” “A Movie Game,” “PGA Memories,” “So Long, Pard,” “Senior Golf,” “Thieves” as “Handicaps,” “U.S. Open Memories,” and “Winningest Guru” as “Butch Harmon” in Golf Digest; and “True Fiction” as “Tees and Teens” in Golf World.
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Dan Jenkins is one of America’s most acclaimed sportswriters as well as a bestselling novelist. A native Texan, he has spent a lifetime at the typewriter and computer. He might be best known for his twenty-four years of stories in Sports Illustrated and now Golf Digest. Three of his bestselling novels—Semi-Tough, Dead Solid Perfect, and Baja Oklahoma—were made into movies. His sportswriting has won him many awards. In 2012, he was inducted into the World Golf Hall of Fame—one of only three writers to be honored thus far—and was given the PEN Lifetime Achievement Award for Literary Sports Writing. He is also the 2013 winner of the Red Smith Award from the AP, the highest honor in his profession.
