The room was beginning to become claustrophobic, making her want to go outside where she could breathe in the fresh air. Robin had loaned her a coat making it possible, but the fear of running into Frost had kept her inside. She couldn’t face him and have him ignore her as he had after they disembarked the plane. It was too painful.
She wasn’t sure how she let Ty convince her to stay. Guilt. At least part of it was that. She worried if the Washington D.C. Tigers were after her, she’d end up putting not only the Alaskan Tigers at risk but another clan as well. It was only supposed to be for a few days, giving Ty’s people time to determine what Omar and the others next move might be. If they thought she was dead, this might be over without any further incidents.
Even a few days was going to feel like an eternity as she hid away in her room to avoid Frost. She’d never been a coward before, but now it was the only way to protect herself. The tie between them was unlike anything she experienced before and when he pulled away from her it cracked something in her. The bad breakup with Jack years ago had nothing on what Frost’s actions had done to her. It wasn’t something she could explain. There was very little to their actual relationship, yet on another level, their bond was deeper than one she’d ever shared with someone. It had to be the mating. If it was, she suspected it was going to get worse not better.
“This is insane.” She dragged her hand through her hair, tugging it away from her face. “I can’t sit around here doing nothing. I’ll go crazy. In the morning, I’m going to Ty and tell him I changed my mind. If I’m lucky I can get a plane ticket out of here by this time tomorrow night.”
A light knock on her door stopped her in her tracks. It couldn’t be Robin. She left an hour earlier to spend time with her mate. Her chest tightened as she wondered if it was one of the others living in this building. Before she was plucked from New York, the only shifter she ever spent time with was Lou. Now she was surrounded by them, and while she wasn’t scared, she was nervous. What if they weren’t like Lou or even the group who rescued her? Robin assured her she was safe here, but it didn’t stop her from taking a step back from the door.
“Alicia, I know you’re in there. It’s Frost.”
The fear dropped away as she moved toward the door only to be replaced with a different kind of unease. Why was he here? Before opening the door, she glanced at the clock above the small kitchenette. Ten minutes till nine. They had been in Alaska since dawn that morning. Why come now?
“Come on, Alicia, let me in. We need to talk.”
“Sure, now he wants to talk,” she mumbled to herself as she unlocked the door and opened it. “It’s been a long day, and it’s late.”
“I’ve wanted to come find you, but I couldn’t before now. Yeah, it’s been a long day, but you weren’t sleeping, you were pacing, so it hardly matters. Why don’t you let me in, and we can talk in private?”
Stepping out of the doorway, she nodded for him to come in. “Since you’re here, should I take that to mean you’ve decided to be upfront and honest with me? Otherwise I’m really not sure what there is to say.”
“I didn’t lie—”
“Omission is as bad as lying and you did lie to me. I asked you what was wrong, and you said nothing. That was clearly a lie because whatever nightmare you were stuck in impacted you.” Shutting the door, she moved further into the apartment.
“Okay, fine. I didn’t answer your question.” Frost leaned against the kitchenette counter, watching her. “It was…”
“Was what?” She crossed her arms over her chest and waited. He came to her, not the other way around. Maybe he was ready to open up. Otherwise the visit was pointless. She wasn’t going to be kept in the dark.
“The past,” he snapped, anger vibrated in the air, teasing the hairs on her arm. “My fucking past rearing its ugly head again at the worst possible time. Happy now?”
“No.” Staring into his eyes, she was met with a fury she hadn’t expected. This connection between them allowed her to sense his emotions as if they were hers. Allowing her to instantly know the anger seeping from him wasn’t directed at her, he was angry with himself. Why? Before she could stop herself, she took a step toward him. “Frost—”
“Don’t!” The word held a warning that stopped her in her tracks. “Don’t look at me with sympathy. You have no idea what I’ve done. The decisions I’ve made…”
Seeing the anguish and sadness in his eyes had her anger slipping away. Needing to go to him she tentatively took a step toward him, ignoring the warning he’d given her moments before. “I know you saved me. I know you’re part of the Shifter Peace Keepers, and I know you’ll save others as well. I know your sister looks up to you as if you hold the moon. She idolizes you, and I think she’s a pretty good judge of character. Even if you want to say she’s bias. I don’t think Brooklynn would have chosen you for her team if you weren’t honorable.”
“I’m anything but honorable. I’m a murderer…” His mouth dropped open as if he was surprised at his own statement.
“There…” Even as she stumbled over her words, she didn’t pull back from him. Instead she took the last step, closing the distance between them and placed her hand on his chest. “There had to be a good reason.”
“This stupid connection.” He stood rigid, every muscle in his body tight, yet he didn’t step away from her. “This mating connection has you so entranced you can’t even see what’s in front of you. You can’t see the man fate linked you to. You’re innocent Alicia, and instead of finding someone who deserves you, you’re bespelled by this—”
“Bullshit.” She reached up with her other hand and cupped the side of his face. “I see you Frost. This connection between us might have drawn us together quicker, but the moment you stepped into the doorway back at that cabin you took my breath away.”
“Fear,” he reasoned.
“No. Well maybe a little.” She let out a lighthearted chuckle. “I was terrified what might happen, yet even as I pointed the gun at you, I knew I wouldn’t be able to pull the trigger. There was something about you, something that called to me. I think part of me realized I’d be safe with you. Neither of us knew we’d be mates, yet something was already between us.”
“Maybe but now this connection isn’t allowing you to think clearly.” He wrapped his hand around her wrist, gently pulling her back from touching his face. “I told you I’m a murderer. Yet instead of dashing out of here like any sane person would, you come closer and press yourself up against me.”
“Press myself up against you? What are you implying? Because to me it sounds like you’re calling me a slut.” His statement reunited the anger, sending her flip flopping from one emotion to another. She didn’t want to be angry. That might have been how Frost dealt with things, but it wasn’t her. She was rational and wanted to get to the root of the issue. Still she pulled back from him, just as she suspected was his intention. He tried to keep his hold on her wrist, but she wiggled free. Keeping him in her sights, she stepped back toward the bed, getting as far away from him as she could while still being in the room.
“That’s not what I meant, and you know it.” Looking more at ease, he slid his hand into the pocket of his jeans, watching her. “Now that you’re not touching me, you’re thinking more clearly, aren’t you? You’re wondering who I murdered, aren’t you? You should be.”
“I wondered that even as I was pressed up against you, as you so tastefully worded it.” To keep herself where she was, she sank down onto the edge of the bed. “I won’t say it doesn’t matter, because it does. Whatever happened led you to become the person you are. However, there’s not an ounce of me that believes you’re a murderer. Whatever you did, I believe there was a reason, a good reason. You’re not a cold-blooded killer.”
“You know nothing about what I am.” There was heat to his words but the anger no longer pulsed in the air like it had before.
“We went through that.” She shook her head. “You don’t want to bel
ieve me, fine. Maybe someone else can get you to see the truth. Either way, you can’t shut everyone out for the rest of your life. It might not be me but someday you’re going to have to let someone in. Telling them what happened may be the key to forgiving yourself.”
“It’s supposed to be you.” His words were soft, making her unsure if she heard them correctly.
“Then share it with me.” Even to her own ears she could hear the sadness in her voice. She wanted him to open up to her. “I don’t care where you start. Start with the flashback on the plane or with this newest murder confession. Just start somewhere.”
“No.” The one word was more of a growl than a human sound.
“You can’t keep pulling away from me!” Tired of going in circles, she rose from the bed ready to show him the door.
“What do you mean?”
“You did it on the plane after your flashback, or whatever you want to call it, and you’re doing it again. If we’re supposed to be mates, you can’t close me out of certain areas of your life. You can’t shut down anytime things get hard. That’s not how a relationship works. Either you commit or get the hell out.” She turned toward the door, her fingers brushed against the handle as his hand landed on her shoulder, gently spinning her around. Surprised the air rushed from her lungs. She hadn’t heard him come up behind her. “Ahh.”
“You have no idea.” He pressed her back against the wall before putting his hands on either side of her, blocking her in.
“Then tell me.” The shock dissipated as she stared into his eyes. For the first time, she could see the real him. There were no walls keeping her at bay. It was only them in that moment, the past and his fears had no place.
“There’s no middle ground in mating for shifters. It’s not like with humans, you can’t give part of yourself to a relationship. Shifters are all in. So much so, that if one dies untimely it could kill the other, and those who survive aren’t the same. They lose part of themselves and most times go rogue unless they have something keeping them sane.”
“Then why do you keep pulling back from me?” She reached up, cupping the side of his face. “If what you say is true, and we’re supposed to be mates then you shouldn’t be able to do this.”
“The mating hasn’t happened yet, you need sex to complete it.” He stared down at her. “You have no idea the things I’ve done, but you will if you accept this mating. You’ll see everything play out in front of you like some fucked up movie.”
“If? If I accept this mating?” Her fingers caressed along the curve of his cheek. “You said humans have an option, that it’s not the same, but I’m not so sure about that. I can feel the draw to you, the tightness in my muscles. When you’re gone, it’s as if someone has reached into my chest and is squeezing my heart. Even without any of that, I can see the changes in you. You’re more on edge, quicker to aggravate.”
“Ty said you wanted to leave. The distance between us will help you. It will lessen the symptoms you’re feeling.” His eyes darkened as his bear edged closer. “You’re leaving, aren’t you?”
“I…” Relaxing against the wall she tried to remember why she wanted to leave, but with him so close, she could feel his breath on her cheek, and she couldn’t think. “Not now…maybe in a few days. Ty convinced me to stay while they looked into Omar’s clan.”
“Part of me wants to tell you to leave now.”
“And the other part?” She held her breath as she waited for the answer. Would he continue to push her away or were they finally making headway?
Chapter Fifteen
With her back up against the wall, Frost’s bear edged forward, urging him to claim her, making it nearly impossible for him to keep his hands on the wall instead of running along the curve of her body. He wanted her, but the fear of the unknown held him back. He’d rather deny himself his mate than see the horror in her eyes when she realized what he’d done. Murder sounded mundane, when in fact, it had been a bloodbath.
“Are you going to answer me?” she pressed again.
“Hell, Alicia.” He tipped his head down toward her, breathing in the scent of her. Vanilla mixed with a hint of blueberries. Enticing. Bringing his mouth next to her ear he let out a soft breath. “I want you.”
“Frost…”
The need in her voice provoked his bear further. Unable or maybe just unwilling to deny himself further, he edged closer, bringing his body tight against hers. He teased his fingers through her hair, watching as her body reacted to the simplest touches.
“Kiss me.” Wrapping her arm around his waist, she pressed herself tighter to the front of his body. “Just forget it all for a few minutes and kiss me.”
Not needing to be told twice, he lowered his head until his lips hovered above hers. He paused, waiting for her to rethink this. Instead of waiting, she lifted off the wall, pressing her lips to his. The sweet taste of her had a soft groan escaping his lips as he met hers with more urgency. The tentative kiss deepened as he pushed his tongue into her mouth. Her tongue met his and his fingers tightened in her hair. The taste of her was sweeter than he could have imagined. The vanilla and blueberries seemed to come alive around them as they kissed. Breathless he pulled back, allowing them both a moment to breathe.
“Wow.” With her eyes closed, she leaned against the wall.
“I shouldn’t have…” His hands dropped away from her as he stepped back, putting distance between them.
“What?” She reached out, hooking her fingers into his shirt. “Shouldn’t have what?”
“Kissed you.”
“Fuck you.” She let go of his shirt and sidestepped away from him. “It’s exhausting shifting from one extreme to another. Every time I think we’re making progress, you retreat further the next moment. Damn it, Frost. We both have baggage, we both have some shit in the past we might not like, but it doesn’t define us. You’re so tangled up with whatever you’ve done you can’t move on. Well, that’s on you. I won’t keep going back and forth with you. I thought it was supposed to be easier for shifters. Your beast knows I’m your mate, so why are you fighting this? Shouldn’t I be the one pulling away?”
“I’m not thinking straight, otherwise I wouldn’t put you in this position.” Angry at himself, he clenched his fists. It was supposed to be easier for him. He recognized his mate and his bear accepted it, but he was balking, making this harder than it shoulder have been. “You deserve better than me, which is why I shouldn’t be here.”
“You say that, and then you kiss me. You’re conflicted and damn it if I’m not starting to sound like a broken record. Maybe if you open up to me, this won’t be so hard on you. Stop pushing me away and talk to me Frost.”
“I can’t put it into words.” Unable to meet her gaze he leaned against the wall. She was right, he was screwing this up. His bear wanted her. Hell, even his human side wanted her, yet he was terrified to let her in. He hadn’t expected to be so conflicted when he found his mate, maybe because he always figured he’d end up with another shifter, like his parents. Another shifter would understand his actions. He wasn’t sure Alicia would and there was no way he could keep his past from her. Not that he truly wanted to if they were going to be mated.
“You said before if I accepted this mating, I’d see it like a movie. What did you mean?”
“As we become one, part of my polar bear imprints on your soul and part of you joins with mine. We will know everything about each other. Most describe it like a movie. We see the good and bad of our mate. There will be no secrets between us when it’s complete.” He let out a breath before bringing his gaze back to her. “Now do you see why I’m fighting this?”
“You’re scared and maybe part of you feels that your past makes you unworthy of mating.” Frustration seeped from her as she shifted her weight from leg to leg. “I don’t know what happened because you won’t tell me, but I don’t believe we were brought together if we weren’t meant to be. It seems to me mating is an honor. Those who are brought toget
her should hold onto each other with all their might.”
“It is, but…”
“There’s no ‘buts’ in this. You said it yourself, you’re all in or you’re not.” She shook her head. “As conflicted as you are, I’m not even sure why you came here, but I think it’s time you left.”
“Alic—”
“It’s been a long day. Please leave.” She cut him off. “We’re going around in circles, and it’s exhausting. I don’t have the energy to do it anymore. Not tonight at least. Maybe you need to sleep on it. We can talk tomorrow.”
Knowing he’d outstayed his welcome, he nodded. “Goodnight, Alicia.”
“Goodnight.”
As he turned away, she sank down onto the bed, the sadness flooding through the room like rogue waves. He had done this to her. Not knowing what to say to change the emotions pouring off her, he left.
I screw up everything, even mating.
As the wind howled heavy snow fell from the sky as if someone was dumping buckets of it down upon Alicia. The snow was already up to her knees as she struggled forward. The two-story brick house in front of her wasn’t one she recognized but she was drawn to it. Movement caught her attention, and she glance to her side. There stood a polar bear, his fur gleaming with freshly fallen snow. As their gazes met, she could see Frost’s deep brown eyes staring back at her.
“This can’t be real. It’s all in my mind, I’m dreaming.” Still she reached out toward him, teasing her fingers along his fur. The silky strands slid through her fingers and as if the touch had completed the connection between them, she could hear him in her mind.
Alaskan Tigers Box Set 3 Page 49
