He jogs up behind me with a grin on his face and I’m sure some sort of wisecrack on the tip of his tongue. Looking at him with what I can only imagine as an expression that relays all my emotions for the world to see, his smile fades and his eyes widen in alarm.
“Hey, what’s wrong, what happened?” Evan immediately looks around, panic taking over his features. “Oh shit, where’s Alyssa? Her dad didn’t …”
I shake my head instantly to stop that train of thought.
“No, as far as I know he’s ok for now, besides, why would I bring Alyssa to work with me?”
The fact that we seem to be a package deal, joined together all the time in most people minds, makes me smile.
“Oh yeah. Well, either way, you look like shit. Did you guys get in a fight? Because the last time I saw that look on your face, her ex said he was taking a big bite of your cupcake.”
I drop my head and look at the ground, my headache amplified. Avoiding talking to anyone else about this will be impossible. I definitely do not have a poker face.
We end up heading for lunch however my appetite is nowhere to be found. Evan chomps down on his wings without a care in the world. Barbeque sauce decorates his top lip as he gives me his complete attention, listening to me ramble on endlessly until we are headed back to the office.
I feel helpless; I should be pacing the halls of the hospital or holding her hand or screaming at Bethany to tell the truth, anything but just sitting here. This isn’t helping anybody.
Evan makes a pit stop at the contractor’s supply store, but I don’t budge from the seat.
“You want to wait out here or come help me get some supplies?”
“I’m good here.”
I slouch back, defeated and miserable in the stone cold silence of my thoughts, before hastily ripping my phone out of my pocket. Bringing up Abby’s name, my fingers tremble from the possibility of her tearing me into two, with words alone.
Me: Hey, this is Judd. I’m sorry for texting you with everything going on but I couldn’t hold back any longer. I’m worried sick about your dad and I know you have no reason to talk to me after what supposedly happened, but can you at least tell me how he is doing? Please believe me when I say I care about your family and if it was at all possible, I would be there in a heartbeat.
I pause before hitting send, the need to ask about Alyssa burning inside of me, but also knowing I may not even have the right to ask, so I hit send without adding to the message. The seconds tick by, but less than a minute later her reply comes through, gripping my heart with the chime that sounds from my phone.
Abby: He is in the intensive care unit right now. Andrea is in with him at the moment. I’m going in at 3:00 and sitting with him until 5:00. I know you love my dad and he knows that, too. You’d have to be blind to have not noticed that. I’m not sure if he can hear us at this point, but I’ll still tell him that you are thinking about him.
Ok, so now I want to know what the hell happened this morning. Please tell me that you did not sleep with Bethany.
Letting out a deep sigh, I drop my eyebrows in anguish. I can’t even answer that question.
Me: Honestly, I don’t know what happened. I wasn’t even awake. I wish I knew what happened, but I’ve racked my brain all day and cannot remember a single thing.
Abby: Come on, Judd, you’re a guy. I think you would have a clear picture of what the aftermath of having sex is!! Did you feel like you had?
This question amplifies my anxiety because the dreams I was having all through the night were pretty well equivalent to an extremely vivid wet dream.
Me: I was drunk and having some very explicit dreams so all I can say is no one would have had to work to get me to that point. The first thing I remember is something felt different than the picture that was in my mind and when I opened my eyes, there was Bethany on top of me and Alyssa standing behind the bed. I was drunk, asleep and obviously Bethany found the perfect opportunity to swoop in and destroy my whole world.
Abby: Ok, again, do you feel like you had sex with her?!! This is a simple question. Quit analyzing it and answer the question.
I nearly want to chuckle from Abby’s bluntness. She sure doesn’t sugar coat things.
Me: No, I don’t think I did. AT ALL!! I think Bethany lied to break us up.
Abby: Well, there is your answer then. Give me some time and I’ll see if can get Alyssa to talk. She hasn’t said a word to me so far.
The vice on my heart tightens and all I want to do is tread concrete to get to her side.
Me: How is she?
I hit send before I realize how stupid that question is. Shaking my head, I quickly follow it up with another text.
Me: I mean, I know you all have to be scared and worried, but is she ok? I mean …
What the hell do I mean? Part of me imagines her crying uncontrollably all by herself as I text back and forth to Abby. I guess I just want assurance that what happened this morning is not in the forefront of her mind. I’d hate to be a burden on her mind that is keeping her from giving every sliver of attention she has to the situation at hand. Just as I’m about to reword my message, my phone chimes and another text comes through from Abby, as if she picked up on my brain waves.
Abby: She’s sitting across from me. She’s a mess, we all are, but she is a tough cookie and she’ll be fine. I’ll talk to her as soon as I can. My nephews just got here so I’ll chit chat with you later. I go to see Dad here in a bit too. ;)
Me: Thanks, Abby.
Abby: Thanks for checking on Dad, Judd! Stick to your guns. If you don’t think you did it, then don’t let Bethany make you think you did. TTYL
Evan hops in the truck not even two minutes later and we are back on our way to the office to pick up my truck; once again neither of us saying a word. He may have a wisecrack 99% of the time, but he knows when to keep quiet and hold back on the jokes.
"Man this is killing me."
Evan looks at me wide eyed as if my sudden outburst took him by surprise. He raises his eyes in question as guilt, anger and regret surges through me uncontrollably.
"Just thinking about what she is going through and I'm not there! I should be there! Damnit, Bethany! What the hell!" I kick the floor board of the truck like a toddler acting out over not getting their way. "I should have told her! I should have told her that Bethany was a lying, back-stabbing fraud of a friend! She’s never been her friend! I guarantee she set this whole damn thing up. She just waited for the perfect damn opportunity and wham! There it was at the most critical point in Alyssa's life when she needs me the most! God, why didn't I tell her?!"
I toss my head back into the head rest as my eyes sting with tears. I don't even care if Evan sees me crying like a little girl. Screw it; this hurts and I'm not going to hide it!
"Hey man, you can beat yourself up all you want but it isn't going to do any good. I know better than anyone that it won't change anything. Honestly, I don't believe for a second that you did anything with Ms. Psycho-bitch. I mean, how long was Alyssa gone anyways? I'll admit I'm no expert on your stamina, man, but I do have ears and lately, you've been keeping my ass up for hours with your grunts and her whiny little moans." Evan shakes his head as if he's trying to rid himself of a horrible image. Any other time I'd totally want to laugh, but this definitely is not funny.
I glare over at him, furious with myself for not even knowing how long she was gone.
"I don't know how long she was gone. I didn’t know she left. I didn’t even remember the point when I got up and accidently fell into the wrong bed," I snap out completely flustered. "Abby said it couldn't have been more than twenty minutes tops, but...." I pause, totally humiliated that I'm going to admit this to anyone, most of all someone that likes to give me shit.
"But what?"
I glance over at him, rolling my eyes out of disbelief that I'm going to say it.
"It's just that..." I look back at him, silently warning him not to screw with me after I admit
this. "I was extremely turned on all night because I kept having these really vivid dreams of me and her. I really could have sworn she was on me right at that moment, but something didn't feel right and I opened my eyes. That's when I saw..."
"Yep...the bitch," Evan finishes off my sentence in a far more appropriate way than I would have.
"Yeah and Alyssa." I slam my hand over my face, feeling a splinter of pain from her words. "Man...she even said she could see that I was turned on." I squeeze my eyes shut hoping it will erase it all.
"Ok," Evan calls out abruptly, tightly winding both his hands over the steering wheel. "So, go to the hospital."
I flinch my head back with a slight shake as his preposterous words hit me.
"What?! I can't go to the hospital. Her dad is sick. I hurt her," my voice raises as I go on, as if I'm punishing myself by yelling the words. "I cheated on her. I was caught in someone else's bed, with her best friend on top of me and she got to see it all!"
Evan cocks his head to the side with a smirk and right now, his humor is not going to budge me one bit. I deserve to feel miserable.
"Come on … you don't believe you slept with her? You were drunk off your ass that night I hauled your ass to her apartment and still, you kept it all in your pants. There is no way...no way you did the deed with her. You would have known!"
His words slam into my chest, making my heart crumble and slowly sink into my churning stomach.
"I don't know. I just wish I could remember something, because at this point, all I remember is Alyssa on me in my damn dream and it felt pretty damn real."
Evan turns the key in the ignition and shifts the truck into gear.
"Well, that's it. You’re going to the hospital. Yes, she may want to split your lip in two, but if anything, at least go to see her dad. Do what comes natural to you, Judd. You’re a good guy and I know you love her and her family. Don't give up. Try what you can to win her back, but for now just be there, because I know your dying to."
I look to the side with my mouth hung open. Did Evan just say something without cracking a smile? Did he just give me advice and stay completely serious?
He sneaks a quick glance at me from the corner of his eyes and chuckles.
"What?! I can be serious," he shrugs his shoulders and makes a right onto the interstate.
I don't even know what to say.
"Just don't tell anybody." He looks at me quickly as he shifts and smiles.
I smile back and shove his shoulder, completely code for ‘thank God I have a friend like you.’
Thirty minutes later and after texting Abby, I’m slipping into the intensive care unit while frantically looking around for Alyssa. I make eye contact with Abby, standing beside the door to a room with a small smile on her face, but anything other than happiness misting her eyes. Walking up beside her, she slides her arm through mine as if we are on our way to prom then she pulls me closer, keeping her voice low as she speaks.
“Hey, I’m glad you took my hint and came by,” she winks.
“Thanks, Abby. Are you sure it’s ok for me to sit with him? I know this is precious time for you and I don’t want to steal that away from you.”
Smiling, she shrugs her shoulders. “My dad isn’t going anywhere, so I’ll have time with him. If a nurse asks, I’ll just tell them that you are my brother. I’ll stay nearby until you’re done.”
Giving me a gentle nudge-sort-of-hug, she then let’s go of my arm and I give her a thankful smile before sliding the door open. As soon as I step inside my heart falls. Alex lies quietly on the hospital bed in the middle of the small drab room. An oxygen mask covers his face and the tone of his skin nearly matches the crisp white cotton sheets that are perfectly pulled to his chest.
I walk forward cautiously, as if any noise may wake him. Staring at his chest, I watch as it rises and falls in a slow, shallow tempo. A small metal folding chair is positioned beside the bed, so I quietly take a seat, barely knocking it backwards with a subtle scraping sound that makes me grit my teeth.
Once seated, I lean forward placing my elbows on the bed and fidgeting my hands to find a comfortable place for them without baring any weight of my arm on him. They find a home beside his arm, with my hand a few inches from his wrist. I stare down at the thin, frail structure of his arm, which seemed much stronger only a few weeks prior. My eyes travel to his face and I take in his sunken cheeks making his bones stand out, the wrinkles along the corners of his eyes and new sprouts of hair along the frame of his face.
Sucking in a deep breath, my mind leaves me and falls to a place I have long since left behind.
“One more lap guys and I’ll let you shower up,” my fifth hour gym coach yells out, then sticks his whistle back between his lips as if they are naked without it.
I breeze around the track easily, my lungs more than used to the brunt force of breathing and running and dodging obstacles. I round the track, not in any particular hurry and catch sight of the principal rushing up to coach with a panic stricken look on her face, while eyeing me. The air in my lungs leaves me and suddenly my legs slow to a stop as my eyes fill with water.
The coach looks at me, motioning me in his direction with his hand, but I don’t need to be told what happened. The sorrow in their eyes is crippling. I race off the field, into the school without looking back. I don’t bother to change my clothes or go to my locker, all I can think of besides going home, is getting to Jake, but as I round the corner of C hall, my feet are suddenly cemented to the ground as I see my little brother crouched on the floor, his arms pulling his legs to his torso and his face buried in the gap between his knees and chest. His entire body shakes and suddenly my own tears feel selfish. We didn’t get to see her one more time. We didn’t get to say goodbye.
As I slide down the wall beside him with the rough surface scraping my bare back, my mind floods with thoughts, worries and words that I should have said; things I would give anything to say one more time. I struggle to conjure up her voice, her laugh, but I cannot even pinpoint the sounds; all I know is that they were the most beautiful sounds I had ever heard and that I’ll never hear again.
Drifting back to the present, I look down at Alex’s hands and figure to hell with it; he is the closest I’ve had to a parent in years. I scoop up his fragile bony hand, pressing it between the two of mine as I spill my heart with tears fogging my eyes.
“Alex, I’m not sure if you can hear me or not, but I wanted to thank you. Thank you for being the father I didn’t have. Thank you for allowing me to be part of your family when I’d forgotten what a family was and thank you so much for letting me be in Alyssa’s life; for letting me love her. Even if it was only for a little while, I loved every second of it.”
With that, the dam of tears break free and I welcome them. I let them flow down my face with each and every word that I whisper to him. Not only has Alex become someone I look up to as a father figure, but he has become my friend; a friend that I’m not quite ready to say goodbye to, so I don’t. Instead I tell him more about my mom and my past, things that I’ve never shared with anyone, because that is what friends do.
A good forty-five minutes race by, when I finally convince myself to stop talking and let Abby make use of this precious time. I know she feels she has all the time in the world, but time is a precious thing and not a single second should be taken for granted.
After giving her a small hug and a full-hearted thank you, I drag myself back down the long corridor and past the waiting area, where I catch a glimpse of Alyssa sitting silently in a tan, stiff-looking chair. Her eyes seem vacant as she stares down at her hands, and a part of my heart chips away, thinking about how part of her sorrow today is partly my fault.
Pulling my phone out quietly as I sneakily hide behind the wall separating the hall from the room, I pull up her name and shoot her a simple text just so I can gauge her reaction.
Me: Hey …
I hit send and wait. She doesn’t budge and although I have my ph
one on silent, I find it odd that I hear no noise or she makes no effort to see who it is. Maybe she doesn’t have it with her. That one thought keeps me from running over to her and begging her to forgive me.
Her hair falls over her shoulders and surrounds her face as she hangs it down. I can’t make out her eyes from here, but I can tell without a doubt that she has been crying. She’s right there, yet I can’t touch her, kiss her, hold her or even ease her pain; it’s killing me. My heart clutches as if it is being compressed in someone’s bare hands, about ready to be ripped from my chest and all I want is to race over to her side.
“Sir, can I help you?”
Swinging my head around, I jump at the sound of the nurse’s voice. She stands behind me, glancing back and forth from me to the waiting room. I more than likely seem like some creeper, sneaking looks around the corner.
Stepping to the side, fully out of Alyssa’s view, I decide it may be time to leave. Besides, Evan was nice enough to wait out in the truck for me.
“No thank you. I thought I saw someone I knew,” I say in a quiet tone before slipping away and out of the intensive care wing.
My mind reels and my heart tugs as I step out of the hospital, moving further and further away from Alyssa and her family; the few people in this world that I consider family. I want to camp out right outside the waiting room. I want nothing more than to run up to her, drop to my knees and beg for her forgiveness, even though there may be nothing to forgive. Every fiber of my soul is shouting that this is not the end; that it cannot end like this. I won’t let it. I love her and I would do anything to be with her and because of that, I will step aside and give her time. I’ll wait and pray, day-by-day, that this horrible nightmare unfolds into a horrible mix up with a happy end.
THE DAYS GO BY in a blur and with each passing second my heart breaks a bit more until some days it seems as if there is not enough oxygen to fill my lungs. Every night I make sure to send her a message to let her know that I will not, what so ever, fail on my promise to be here for her. I told her I would be here through this battle that her dad is facing and I don’t intend to break it, no matter whether we are together or apart. If text messages are the only thing I have, then so be it.
Catch My Breath Page 47
