by S. Nelson
But the more I’m able to experience a different way of life, the better I want to become. I don’t want to be a deceitful, hateful, sad woman anymore.
I actually want to be better. And here now, with his family, I’m able to see a small glimmer of the life I can have.
“What names do you have if it’s a boy then?” I blurt, trying to get out of my own head.
“Well, that’s easy. I was thinking if it’s a boy, we can call him Theodore, or Theo for short.”
“Uh…this isn’t The Cosby Show. No son of mine is going to be called Theo.” I say it faster than my brain is able to filter the words. But apparently, I said something very funny because everyone busts out laughing, including Drayden.
“All right, all right. I guess I have some homework to do, but so do you,” he says, pointing over at me with the spatula in his hand.
I wish he wasn’t wearing those sunglasses right now. I want to look into his eyes and see if I can tell whether or not his banter back and forth with me is genuine or just for show.
I’ll never really know for sure, I guess, so instead of dwelling on the unknown, I make the decision to believe he’s being genuine. I’m going to enjoy this day because I don’t know how often I’ll get the pleasure of his family’s company.
About an hour after we eat, I start to feel not so hot. I didn’t eat a lot, sticking mainly to nibbling on the different types of salads and fruit displayed all over the place. I stayed away from the meat only because the sight of cooked flesh has turned my stomach in the most recent weeks.
“Are you okay, sweetheart?” his mother asks as she leans in to feel my forehead. “You look rather ill.”
“Yeah, I don’t feel so good.” And as if my body is registering my words, a shooting pain tears right through my stomach, making me grimace. I don’t want to alarm everyone, drawing all the attention, so I breathe through it.
When I start to get up, his mother grabs me by the arm and helps me get out of my chair. I’m a bit dizzy, clutching on to her for some balance.
“Dray, honey, please come over here and help Essie in the house. She’s not feeling well.”
Before anyone can start to fuss over me, I try to tell them I’m fine. I just need to lie down for a bit. The last thing I want or need is for Drayden to hold me in his arms, even though it will be just to help me get into the house and into bed.
Purely innocent.
But with everything running through my head today, his physical closeness is going to push me over the edge of sanity, forcing home that this can never really be my true life. I know whatever he’s doing for me is solely for the benefit of his child.
Our child.
That’s going to be the only connection we’ll ever have.
He briskly walks over to me, breaking away from his brothers without a second thought. Replacing his mother’s hold on me, he grips me tightly. His one arm sneaks around my waist while his other hand grabs mine, leading me toward the house.
“Are you okay? You look really pale, Essie.”
I can’t even glance up at him because just as he finishes speaking, another sharp pain radiates through my body, slicing through my abdomen. This one is worse than the last.
Thankfully, we’re facing away from everyone so they don’t get to witness the look of utter pain playing on my face.
I can’t even answer Drayden. I’m too focused on what the hell is going on right now. Of course, my first thoughts fly to the baby but I dismiss it almost immediately, not wanting to even go there.
I’ve grown in love with this child so much, the mere thought anything can be wrong is almost inconceivable.
He leads me down the hallway toward my bedroom. However, I have to stop him a few times on the way because the pain is really starting to hurt me, cutting down my legs as well this time around.
Drayden’s hold on me intensifies. “Essie, I’m taking you to the hospital. I don’t like this.”
“No, just let me lie down for a bit. If it keeps up then I will let you take me.”
He shakes his head at me, not quite sure what to do himself. Neither one of us has ever been put in this situation before.
Once we are in my room, I have him lead me toward the bathroom. I have to check myself and make sure there are no outwards signs of distress.
“Will you stay out here until I’m finished?” I don’t tell him why I’m going in there. I let him assume I have to use the toilet.
“Of course I will.” He reaches over and grabs my hand, giving it a small squeeze. “I’m not going anywhere.”
Once I close the door, I walk over to the toilet, grab a hold of the end of my sundress and start to pull it up. I don’t get very far before another blaze of agony cuts through me, sending me straight to my knees.
I cry out this time.
The door comes crashing open and Drayden is on me before I even realize it. I try to get up but am too focused on trying to rid my body of the pain, breathing in and out like I read about.
Nothing is working.
And it’s then I feel something warm and sticky between my thighs. I don’t even think about it. I reach under my dress and feel around, bringing my hand back out in front of me.
My eyes bulge wild and I really start to panic.
There is blood on my fingertips.
A lot of blood.
“Oh, my God, Drayden! The baby.” I’m pawing at him, smearing the blood all over his shirt. But he doesn’t even bat an eyelash. He picks me up in his arms and starts back down the hall toward the front door.
“Mom!” he bellows as he’s practically running through the house. His scream catches everyone’s attention, people rushing into the house to see what the hell is going on. His mother and his brothers are the first ones to get to us, their eyes going from me straight to the blood smeared across Drayden’s chest.
“Honey, we’re right behind you.”
There are no other words spoken between anyone. I see the fear in their eyes. I know it well because I’m sure I mirror their look.
Once he puts me in the car and buckles me in, he races around to the driver’s side, gets in the car and takes off as soon as he turns the engine over. He doesn’t even bother securing himself in but at this point, I don’t blame him. Every precious second counts.
“Hold on, baby. We’ll be there very soon.”
I’m not quite sure if he is talking to me or the actual baby. But those are the last words I hear before I pass out, glorious darkness pulling me down kicking and screaming into an unwanted escape.
{ Chapter 25 }
Immediately following our arrival at the hospital, I’m whisked away to a private room, no doubt due to Drayden’s influence and money. There are so many things running through my mind, but the one thing I try to focus on is the survival of my baby. I pray and pray like I never have before, promising everything under the sun if it means this child will survive.
The next couple of hours are a whirlwind of activity, doctors and nurses fluttering all around me, trying to do everything they can for us.
Drayden stays by my side the entire time. I’ll be forever grateful he’s here with me while I’m poked and prodded, my modesty gone out the window in place of my overwhelming concern and love for the child who grows inside me. Who is part of me. Who is now in distress and fighting for its tiny life.
They tell me I’m in full-blown labor; nothing they can give me will stop it. I’m beyond petrified, and I don’t know what else to do but try and listen to what they’re telling me. I hear bits and pieces between the pain racking my body.
Trying to remember what I’ve read over and over in my pregnancy books, I try to recall if a baby can survive if he or she is only five months along in development.
The answer is a heartbreaking no.
“The baby is way too under-developed,” they say. “We don’t know why this happens.”
Their words swirl around in my brain, crushing my reality with their venom. And in the
midst of it all, I blame myself. It’s fate’s way of telling me I deserve this, that I had this coming all along. And I try to ignore fate’s deceptive cruelness but I can’t escape it.
It’s everywhere.
It’s in the eyes of the doctor.
It’s in the voice of the nurses, trying to console me.
It’s in Drayden’s rigid posture.
It’s in his faceless mask of terror.
It’s in my screams.
Our precious baby never even takes a first breath.
Our baby is dead.
~~~~
I’m so inconsolable they have to drug me just to get me to calm down. The last thing I see are Drayden’s eyes as I drift off into a nightmare of darkness. They are red and glassy. He has been crying, mourning the loss of a baby which not five months ago, he thought was never even a possibility.
When I awake, I’m alone. I try to rise from the bed but my body hurts. I’m so sore and exhausted. Then it all comes rushing back to me. I was in labor and had to deliver. They told me the baby had died inside me, but I had to go through the delivery because it was the path my body had chosen. With every push, a piece of my short-lived happiness was thrust out of me, changing me forever.
My own body betrayed me. It had killed the only good part of me.
Now there is nothing left.
I instantly start to sob, my hands coming up to my face, trying to muffle the sounds because even I don’t want to hear them. If I bear witness to them then this is all too real. There is a quick movement from the side of the room and before I can look, Drayden grabs my hand and caresses my hair with his other one.
“Shhh, Essie. Everything will be okay. I promise.” His words do nothing to soothe the empty hole in my heart because I know he’s lying. The ache is too much. I want to escape again. I need to be forced back under.
I can’t stop my crying and the longer I go on, the more my body shakes. Drayden leaves me, whispering he’s going to get a nurse. A few minutes later she comes walking through the door, needle in hand, and sends me back under the covers of despair.
I pray for me to never resurface.
But I do. Eventually.
I don’t even know how long I’m subjected to my drug-induced haziness. It feels like days but I know it hasn’t been that long. My eyes search for the one person I want, and I find him knocked out in the chair he pulled beside the bed, his hand barely holding on to my own.
I move, letting his hand finally slip all the way off the bed. He jerks awake from the motion, instantly getting up and coming closer to me.
“How long have I been sleeping?”
He looks down at his watch then back up at me. “For about ten hours now.”
Then he’s silent, continuing to look down at my face, not quite knowing what to say to me. Hell, I don’t know what to say to him. He’s experiencing the loss of our child, as well, and is feeling just as much pain as I am.
I feel like I let him down, and I want him to know how sorry I am.
With the last amount of strength I have, I whisper, “I’m sorry.”
“It wasn’t your fault, Essie. Please, don’t do that to yourself.” He leans in closer so his face is mere inches away from my own. “The doctor told us it was nature’s way of saying there was something wrong. They don’t know why this happens. It just does sometimes.”
“I’m being punished, Drayden. And my punishment flowed over onto you. I’m sorry.”
I start to cry again, but this time it’s silent because my body is utterly worn out. I have no energy left to allow the actual grief still gripping my heart to escape with the vehemence it wants
We’re locked in our odd embrace when Vivian comes into the room. When she sees I’m awake, she comes over and instantly hugs me with everything she has in her. “I’m so sorry, honey. I’m so sorry.”
I find out later on his whole family has been at the hospital the entire time, only to be sent home when I was drugged back to sleep.
“Can we please have a burial for the baby?” I squeak out once Vivian releases me. Instinctually, I reach out and grab Drayden’s hand, looking for continuous support.
“Of course, sweetheart,” his mother speaks up before he can. “We’ll give your little boy a beautiful burial.”
Her words don’t register at first because my thoughts are still too consumed with the fact I actually have to make plans to bury my child.
But once my eyes lock back on Drayden, I ask him the question I wanted to really ask him all along. “It was a boy?”
He inhales a quick breath and blows it out slowly. He simply nods. “Yes. We had a son.”
His affirmation is enough to cause my body to convulse with tears again, but this time I don’t really feel them because I’m beginning to go numb. My body is in survival mode, and the numbness creeps through every cell in my being until I gaze off into the distance, not hearing anything Drayden or his mother are saying anymore.
After what seems like forever, I give in to my weariness again and fade away from my current reality, happy for the slight reprieve.
{ Chapter 26 }
I aimlessly wander the grounds, looking for a pathway to take and explore more of Drayden’s home. I need a distraction, anything to help me focus on something else other than my own misery. I find what I’m looking for when I come across a slightly-hidden path just up ahead of me.
It’s quite warm out, but I decide not to head back. I need to be uncomfortable for a while, even if it’s only physically.
I’ve been going through the motions for the past month, not living at all. I’m doing everything in my power to just exist. I don’t want to feel. I don’t want to talk. I hardly want to eat. It takes everything in me to make sure I bathe myself every day.
Drayden has been really great about letting me stay at his home until I’m up to leaving. He didn’t have to do that and I know it. After everything I’ve put him through, I’m surprised he didn’t leave me at the hospital. But after our precious son, who we decided to name Ethan Isiah, died, I saw something in him change. Whenever I do look at him, I see some emotion flicker in his beautiful blue eyes, an emotion which might be a cousin to compassion. I’m never positive and I never ask.
It’s hard for me to interact with him, so most times I keep my distance. The guilt is too much so it’s best for the both of us if our paths only cross when necessary, when nothing else can be avoided.
Following the wooded path is a small escape from my world, almost as if I’m going on a little adventure, one which has a surprise waiting for me at the end of the trail. Maybe it’ll be a different life. Maybe it’ll be peace and serenity.
Maybe it’ll be that bitch karma scrambling to wrap her cruel arms around me, suffocating me until all breath leaves my body, releasing me from this Hell on Earth.
None of it happens. It’s just a wood trail.
The sun is beating down on my back, causing perspiration to bead between my still-swollen breasts. Eventually, I come to a clearing and stumble upon a really beautiful pasture. I feel like I’m in a totally different place and I revel in the glorious day, even though my passion for this new discovery is only a millimeter of what it normally would be.
Drayden owns a lot of land, but I don’t realize how much until I’m standing in the middle of this vast, wide-open space. There is nothing but grass, trees and wildflowers growing everywhere my eyes can take me.
What if I never go back?
What if I build a little cabin right here, smack dab in the middle of this place and never bother with another human being ever again?
What if you get back to reality, Essie?
Deciding to indulge in my unrealistic fantasy for only a brief moment, I lie down right in the middle of the field and close my eyes. There is a comforting breeze billowing through the trees, escaping into the middle of my new hideaway.
The sun is coating my undernourished body with its warmth; its rays like a lover’s arms trying to get my mind
, body and soul to accept my fate and start to live again. I drift off in the afternoon light, trying to promise myself tomorrow will be different. Tomorrow will be better. Tomorrow, I will stop wishing for a release and try to start the healing process, even if it’s just an imaginary Band-Aid covering a gaping wound.
I startle awake from the coolness kissing my flesh. It’s dark all around me when I finally open my eyes and I instantly scramble to my feet, afraid I’m now lost in the wilderness surrounding the house. I look from side to side, trying to see where I originally came from, but I can’t remember. I get so turned around in my own thoughts I’m really starting to panic myself. Deciding just standing in one place isn’t going to do me any good, I put one foot in front of the other and attempt to find my way back to the land of the living.
Once I leave the open clearing, I somehow find a pathway, thinking it’s the one I had initially followed earlier in the day. But I quickly find out I chose the wrong one because this path leads me around and back to where I originally started from.
Off in the distance, I hear a faint howl which sends a shiver of dread through my entire body. I’m getting cold because all I thought to dress in was a flimsy tank top and a pair of shorts. Clearly, I should have dressed better.
I shouldn’t have gone off exploring all by myself, especially in the state I’ve been in.
The howling noises are getting nearer to where I’m standing. Tears of fear instantly knock on the back of eyelids, yelling to be released. But I won’t answer them. I have to muster up some sort of strength if I’m going to get through tonight.
Where the hell is the strong, fearless woman I was months ago? Where did she take off to? Because I could use her strength right about now.
Deciding I have to try once more to find my way back, I walk until I come to another path. I take it and hope for the best. As I’m walking along, I hear what I can only assume to be wolves rustling around in the woods to my right. Then I hear them on my left.
