by Sue Margolis
“And he’ll go on adoring him,” Cass said, patting the back of Stephanie’s hand. “That won’t change.”
Lizzie was sitting there biting her lip.
“What?” Stephanie said.
“Presumably,” Lizzie began tentatively, “you’re going to ask Frank to have you back.”
“I think I’ve got to give it a try, don’t you?”
“Oh, God, absolutely.” She paused. “The thing is … I mean, I’m not saying this is going to happen, but it might. Suppose he doesn’t want to take you back?”
Stephanie had thought about this over again and each time the pain was unbearable. But it almost didn’t matter, since what she had been feeling over the last few days was equally unbearable. She swallowed hard. She could feel her hands beginning to tremble. “I think I’d rather be alone than stay with Albert and live a lie,” she said.
Jake had lunch with the twins and then said he wanted to go with them to the butterfly museum. Dom, who had returned from the garden center with two topiary bushes and a pair of shears, said he would drop him home after supper.
Stephanie had told Albert she was going shoe shopping with Jake after she’d gone to Lizzie’s. Since that wasn’t going to happen, she decided to go home and see if by any chance Albert was alone.
As she opened the front door, she heard what sounded like frantic scrabbling and shuffling coming from the living room. “Albert? That you?” she called out, walking toward the living room where she was sure the noise had come from. She stood in the doorway. Albert was desperately trying to scramble into his boxers. Sunnie Ellaye was sitting on the sofa, naked and rigid with fear. Her hands were clamped to her breasts, her mouth was open, her eyes were aghast. She looked like a Pompeii hooker a millisecond after the hot ash hit. Stephanie stood there for a few seconds, blinking in disbelief.
“The hole usually goes at the front,” she remarked to Albert, who was bending down in his boxers, his rear end facing her, trying to find his jeans.
“Principessa,” he said, turning to face her, “I didn’t mean for you to find out like this. I am so sorry. Look, we need to talk.”
“You think?” she said. Part of her wanted to laugh. Talk about ironic. A few minutes ago she’d been telling Cass and Lizzie how guilty she felt about hurting Albert, when all the time he had been shagging Sunnie.
“Oh, God,” Sunnie piped up, “this is so. I mean, it’s just so …”
“Embarrassing?” Stephanie said, maintaining her faux casual air. “Humiliating? Mortifying? Shameful? Crushing?”
“Yes, it’s all those things,” Sunnie said, reaching out, grabbing her shirt and holding it to her front. “But it’s also unforgivable. Albert and I have been cowards. I’m sorry.” Unable to look Stephanie in the eye, she picked up the rest of her clothes. “I think I should get dressed and make myself scarce for a while.”
“I think that would be a very good idea,” Stephanie said icily as she moved to one side to let her through the door. Then she went over to Albert, who was pulling on his jeans. “So, when did you two get back together? Berlin?”
“We realized there was still chemistry, but nothing happened, I swear. Not then. It’s just been these last few days. Sunnie and Brad have split up and we just …”
“I see. It all makes sense now. That’s why you weren’t exactly over the moon when I said you should move in.”
He placed his hands on her shoulders. “Until the last couple of days, I really thought you and I could make a go of it for Jake’s sake,” he said.
She laughed softly, pulled away from him and sat down. “Me too. You know, if this whole thing weren’t so sad, it would be comical.”
“How do you mean?”
“I was coming back to tell you it wasn’t going to work between us.”
“Really?” he said, clearly taken aback. Stephanie nodded. “I haven’t been honest with you, Albert. There’s somebody else. He’s been around for a while. His name is Frank. We went out while you were in Berlin. It was also Frank who bought me the painting, not Cass.”
“Christ. I wasn’t expecting this. So, have you been sleeping with him?” She shook her head. “Hey, well, at least one of us managed to do the decent thing.”
“So you and Sunnie are really in love?”
He nodded. “She and Brad realized it wasn’t working because she still had feelings for me. This woman really adores me. And she kinda looks up to me. I guess I’m one of those guys who needs to be adored and looked up to. You know, what with my ego.”
She let out a soft laugh. “Yeah, I know,” she said.
“So, what about you and Frank?” She told him there was no her and Frank. “I sent him packing because I thought you and I had a chance together.”
“Christ, what a mess.”
She shrugged. “I did what I thought was right at the time. So what now?” she said. “Will you go back to L.A.?”
He looked shocked. “And leave Jake? You have to be kidding. There’s plenty of work to keep me going in this country and in Europe. In a year or two I might think about setting up an agency for stunt artists.”
“And Sunnie?”
“I think she’ll stay on too. Apparently there’s a serious Reiki master shortage in this country.”
Stephanie laughed and told him she was glad he was staying. “I couldn’t have faced telling Jake you were leaving again.”
“I’ll get a place a few streets away. Promise.” He pulled on his shirt and started doing up the buttons. “I’ll be over every night to help put him to bed. He’ll hardly know I don’t live here. And on weekends he can stay with me.”
“That would be great. Hang on, your shirt buttons are all crooked.” She reached out and started redoing them. “And tell Sunnie Ellaye no hard feelings and she’s a very sweet girl. You know, I do love you, Albert.” She kissed his cheek.
“I love you, too, principessa.”
“Now, that’s what I like to hear!” Albert and Stephanie shot round to see Estelle and Harry. “The door was open,” Estelle said. “Oh, congratulations, you two.” Before they could say anything, Estelle was kissing and hugging them both.
“Mum, no, you don’t understand.” But Estelle was too excited to listen. “And your father’s got some fantastic news. That’s why we’re here. We didn’t want to tell you over the phone.”
“Actually,” Harry began, “we have two bits of fantastic news. First, I have found a way of stopping the junk e-mail once and for all.” He started going on about something called a spamming program. Estelle rolled her eyes. “It means that whenever a company sends me junk e-mail, I can send them back hundreds of thousands of junk e-mails of my own. Isn’t that a hoot?” He started chortling and slapping his thigh. “It’s guaranteed to stop them in no time.”
“All right, Harry,” Estelle said, taking a deep breath, “that’s all very interesting. Now get to the point and tell Stephanie the really good news.”
“OK. You won’t believe what came in the post this morning.” Harry handed Stephanie a letter. It was from one of the companies that had been e-mailing her father, offering to overhaul his septic tank.
Dear Mr. P. Enis Extension:
You won’t believe what good fortune this letter brings!!! You are a Grand Draw WINNER!!!! You have been selected from all your neighbors in LONDON to win a two-week holiday to Barbados with Mrs. P. Enis Extension and three additional members of the P. Enis Extension family. Not only will you have a chance to relax on some of the finest beaches in the world, you will also be taken on privileged tours of properties with our revolutionary new Turdaway™ luxury septic tank system! Imagine how envious all your friends and neighbors in EDGWARE will feel when they see the P. Enis Extension family on their way to EDGWARE airport and a holiday to Barbados. (Terms and conditions apply, see attached document.)
“I phoned the company to check it all out,” Harry said. “It’s completely genuine. They’re paying for all five of us—you, Albert and Jake count as
additional family members. We spend half a day doing the septic tank tour with some PR girl and the rest of the time is ours. They’ll never know we don’t actually need a septic tank in Edgware.”
“Look, Mum, Dad. This sounds wonderful, but before you get too carried away, there’s something I need to tell you.”
“Maybe I should go,” Albert said.
Estelle in particular was desperately upset that Stephanie and Albert had split up. “Are you absolutely sure? I mean, couldn’t you try counseling or something?”
“It wouldn’t work. Albert and I both realize that it was only Jake keeping us together. A child needs parents who are in love. If we’d stayed together it would have been out of duty. That wouldn’t have been fair to Jake. Anyway, Albert’s got somebody else and what you don’t know is that I have too. At least I did have. It’s a long story, but I’ve messed him about because of this whole Albert thing and I don’t know if he’ll still want me.”
Estelle hugged her. “If he loves you, he will. Don’t you agree, Harry?”
Harry was sitting in the armchair, rereading the letter from the septic tank people. “Definitely. And he can come to Barbados instead of Albert. Or, if you’re being very modern and civilized, Albert can come too. And he can bring his new lady friend. Let them all come. Of course they’d have to pay for themselves. You know, every room has its own terrace and plunge pool. We’ll have to watch out with Jake.” Estelle shot Stephanie a look, which said “He means well.”
“So, come on,” Estelle said, “what are you waiting for? Off you go and tell this Frank of yours that you love him.”
“What, now? Right this minute?”
“Can’t see any reason why not. Can you?” She was shaking at the thought, petrified of his rejection. She managed to say that she supposed not. It was Saturday afternoon, so there was a strong possibility he would be at home. “I love you, Mum,” she said.
“And I love you, darling,” she said, hugging Stephanie.
Stephanie had reached the front door when she heard her father say, “What about me? Don’t I get the chance to tell my daughter I love her?”
“You had your head buried in that stupid letter.”
“It won’t look so stupid when you’re sitting at the hotel bar, sipping piña coladas.”
“OK,” Estelle said, “but the moment reception pages Mr. and Mrs. P. Enis Extension, I’m leaving. Understand?”
Trembling, Stephanie rang Frank’s doorbell, but there was no answer. She tried his mobile, but it was switched off. She was walking back down the path, desperately wondering what to do next, when Ossie phoned.
“Stephanie, did the queen’s youngest son happen to phone a while ago, and did you happen to tell him to get lost?”
“No, some nutter rang pretending he was the queen’s youngest son and I told him to get lost.”
“No, actually it was His Royal Highness you told to get lost.”
“Oh, don’t be so ridiculous. Why would Prince Edward be phoning me?”
“Because he and Andrew Lloyd Webber are taking over the Peggy production. Edward, it seems, is branching out beyond films. And guess who they want for the lead?”
“Who?”
“Oscar the Grouch.”
“What?”
“They want you, Stephanie. You. At least they did want you until you sent HRH packing.”
“Oh, God. Shit. What should I do?”
Ossie laughed and told her not to worry. “I told him you’ve been getting some crank calls. He understood. I’ve set up a meeting with him and Andrew on Monday. But it’s only a formality. They’re desperate to have you. And guess what? They want Konstanty to direct.”
For a few moments her spirits soared and she felt like dancing. “Wow, Ossie. That’s amazing. I can’t believe it. I’m going to be a star. Me. Omigod.” Then she realized that the one person in the world she wanted to tell, she couldn’t. She must have gone silent for a good while, because Ossie asked her if she was all right. She brought him up to speed with the Albert/Frank situation. “I’ve no idea where Frank is.”
“I do.” He told her that Frank had just accepted a job in Australia for ten weeks before he starts rehearsals for Twelfth Night. “I know his agent. We had dinner last night. He happened to mention Frank was going off to do Taming of the Shrew in Sydney. Stephanie, I’m so sorry.”
“That’s OK,” she said, fighting the urge to curl up into a ball and sob. “Not to worry. Tell HRH and Lord Lloyd Webber I’ll be there on Monday.”
She couldn’t face going back to an empty house, so she decided to pick up an Evening Standard and go and sit in Starbucks with a grande espresso. Miserable as she was feeling—her incredible professional break aside—she couldn’t help smiling when she read that life wasn’t going well for Sidney and K-Mart in Brazil. Since Sidney had put all his money into the Peggy show, he had now declared himself bankrupt, and Katherine, who was already in dire financial straits, had been forced to accept a role in a Brazilian soap. The paper also made the point that it somehow seemed fitting that, as she could only speak English, Katherine’s part would be dubbed into Portuguese.
Stephanie’s spirits weren’t lifted for long, though. Soon tears were streaming down her face. Starbucks was opposite the launderette where Frank had first kissed her. She stared out the window remembering how they’d sat there on the long table, laughing, drinking wine and eating slightly dried-up Thai curry. She closed her eyes and felt the kiss, the way he’d held her, the way he’d looked into her eyes.
She didn’t know what made her do it—maybe some masochistic part of her needed to feel the pain even more intensely—but she decided to walk across the road to the launderette and look inside.
The traffic was particularly heavy. As she stood trying to get across the road, her mobile went off.
“Steph, it’s Cass. Guess what? My sexy orthodontist called. We’re going out tonight. He’s taking me to the Ivy. I’m dashing out to find something to wear. God, I feel like a teenager. I’m just so excited.”
“Great. Good for you.”
“Christ, what’s up?”
Stephanie told her what had happened. “And now I find out Frank’s gone to Australia to forget about me.”
“Sweetie, I am so sorry. Look, come over. I don’t have to go out.”
“No, it’s OK. I’ll be fine.”
“Well, if you’re sure.” Stephanie didn’t say anything. She was now standing outside the launderette, and as she peered inside, something, or to be more precise, somebody had caught her eye. He was sitting down and he had his back to her, but she was pretty sure it was Frank.
“Stephanie, say something. Look, are you really all right? I’m worried you’re going to do something stupid. Stephanie, speak to me.”
“I’ve found him.”
“Who?”
“Frank. I’ve found him.”
“No, darling, you haven’t. It’ll be somebody who looks like him, that’s all. Listen, where are you? Maybe I should come and get you.”
When he stood up, she knew for sure it was Frank. She watched him take his laundry out of the washing machine and load it into the dryer.
“No, it really is him. I can see him quite clearly. He didn’t go to Australia. He’s here.”
“Steph, are you sure?”
“Positive.”
“OK, but just one word of warning. If he takes you back, please remember you haven’t slept with him. I’m still worried about the possibility of him having a small willy. Just keep in mind what I said about the relationship between ear size and penis size. Do not commit yourself until you’ve taken a look at his ears. Promise me.”
“OK, right, whatever. Bye, Cass.”
“No, that’s not a promise—”
Stephanie flipped off her phone and walked toward the door of the launderette. She almost collided with a bustling elderly woman who would never see five feet, pushing a wicker shopping cart full of neatly folded bed linen. “Bloomin’ s
oap dispenser’s playing up,” she grumbled to Stephanie. “I lost two fifty-pence pieces before it gave me any powder. I’ve left a note for the manager. They say this place is managed, but there’s never anybody here. Blinkin’ disgrace if you ask me.”
Desperate to get through the door, Stephanie was virtually jumping up and down with frustration. “I know, it’s awful,” she said, trying to work out a way to step over the shopping cart. “The thing is, if I could just get by—”
“And another thing,” the woman persisted, steadfastly blocking the doorway. “Look at the state of the floor. Covered in dust and filth. The only way to clean a floor properly is to get down on your hands and knees and scrub. Of course, nobody can be bothered these days. Whole world’s gone bone idle if you ask me.”
“I’m sure you’re right. If I could just squeeze—”
But the old biddy wasn’t listening. She was looking past Stephanie toward the bus stop. “Ooh, that’s my bus. Excuse me.” She barged past Stephanie and trotted off to the stop.
Frank, who appeared to have heard none of Stephanie’s exchange with the woman, was sitting with his back to her reading a magazine.
“So, washing machine still not fixed, then,” she said, her voice shaking. She made him jump. He turned to face her. Once he’d gotten over the shock of seeing her, an awkwardness overtook him. “No,” he smiled, folding up the paper. “Repairman said I need a new one. Haven’t gotten round to buying one yet.”
“Right,” she replied, returning his unease now. “I thought you were in Australia.”
He shrugged. “Decided I couldn’t face all those jolly Aussies when I was feeling so miserable.” She nodded.
“Mind if I sit down?”
“Help yourself.”
She sat down next to him. “Prince Edward and Andrew Lloyd Webber are taking over the production of Peggy and they’re pretty sure they want me in the lead. I’m meeting them on Monday.”
“Wow, Steph. That really is fantastic news. I couldn’t be more pleased for you.” She stared down at a dust ball on the floor. The old woman had been right. The floor really was pretty grubby. Stephanie didn’t say anything for a few seconds. “By the way, Albert and I are finished.”
