by Lia Black
While he'd been too uncomfortable to butcher their rabbit, he still felt a sense of pride, as foolish as it seemed.
"You did well," Kaidos told him with a smile as they finished eating their dinner. Veyl thought it tasted especially good and wondered if it was the rabbit, or the fact that his snare had been the one to catch it. They were sitting side-by-side near the fire as the red veil of sunset began to darken the sky.
Veyl felt his cheeks heat and something building in his chest, expanding and warming him from inside. Pride? The sensation made him giddy and he blinked away tears, turning his face away so Kaidos couldn't see him making a fool of himself.
"What's wrong?"
Veyl tensed as Kaidos' hand touched his shoulder.
"Nothing…You'll think it's stupid."
The arm slid around him, squeezing his other shoulder and Kaidos pulled him into his strong body.
"I won't."
With a heavy sigh, Veyl looked down at his dirt smudged hands. "I've never…I've never done anything like that—like this." Veyl gestured towards the fire. "And I know you didn't need my help, but…" he sighed, shrinking a bit as embarrassment drew him inward. "But you let me do things anyway—things that actually got my hands dirty."
The hand on his shoulder pulled him closer and he felt Kaidos press a kiss to the top of his head. Kaidos hadn't laughed at his foolish observations, or belittled Veyl's meager achievements by saying something in jest. The warm sensation began to rise in his chest once more and he relaxed against Kaidos with a sigh. This felt so…good that Veyl let himself pretend for a little while that it wasn't going to end.
He moved around to sit in Kaidos' lap, settling into the space created by his crossed legs, and he put his arms around him. Veyl saw the flare of desire in Kaidos' eyes as he leaned forward to claim a kiss.
For the first time he could remember in the last several years, Veyl was actually aware of the sensations of his body. He could taste the wine and rabbit on Kaidos' tongue, but also a unique flavor that belonged solely to him. He felt the rasp of stubble on his lips as he moved his mouth to deepen the kiss, and smelled the bitter-spicy scent of the burning wood.
Kaidos stretched out, laying back on one arm as Veyl continued to kiss him, moving his hands down to the lacing on his shirt. Even the material between his fingers felt different; slightly rough and warmed by Kaidos' skin. Veyl slid his lips across Kaidos' cheek, relishing the prickling to his lips. He sucked lightly on his chin, tasting the salt on his flesh and the roughness of stubble against his tongue. Then lower, feeling Kaidos' pulse throbbing in his neck, the ridges of his throat and the knot that moved under his skin when he swallowed.
Kaidos' big, rough hands slid up under Veyl's shirt and rubbed the skin of his back, his erection pressing up between Veyl's legs as he straddled his hips.
Although Veyl could feel the pressure of his own arousal, he felt in no rush to relieve the ache. He wanted simply to touch, taste, and feel Kaidos for the first time, because that was what this was. It was the first time Veyl had allowed his control to slip away and let his shields come down; the shields he'd built up around him after his first rape, and strengthened a little more with every man's touch. It was exhilarating and frightening at the same time, and the pull of it was something he was unable to resist. That night in Thieves Den, when Kaidos had simply and unselfishly touched him, was amazing and confounding. He didn't have to perform for this man, there was no expectation, so Veyl relaxed and let loose the tight reins of his control.
Kaidos didn't push him for more, but simply seemed content to kiss and caress Veyl without shedding any clothing, despite the obvious arousal they were both feeling.
They kissed until their lips were raw and Kaidos' arm had fallen asleep behind his own head. He chuckled as he stretched it out once Veyl scooted back to let him sit up.
The forest and sky were black beyond the light of their campfire, and the chill settling in drove them to the bedding that they would share.
Veyl rose slowly and slipped out of his clothing, shivering as he dug a container of salve from their pack.
"Are you sure?" Kaidos gave him a half-frown when he saw it, his eyes moving between Veyl's face and the container in his hand.
"I'm sure." Veyl smiled, noticing that Kaidos' cock seemed very certain. His own erection throbbed in response and he quickly slipped between the blankets before he could lose it to the cooling night air.
Having engaged in a very long foreplay, Veyl was eager to experience orgasm, and see if he could remain a participant, or simply let his body do the work without him as he normally did. He didn't know if Kaidos noticed a difference, but to Veyl it was like night and day.
Veyl watched Kaidos take off the remainder of his clothing, again admiring his body for the masculine power it possessed. Kaidos moved with the grace of a cat, likely a byproduct of his life as a thief. It was especially interesting because Kaidos was not a small man. His body was corded with thick muscle and it flexed under his coppery skin as he moved. His torso formed a perfect vee; the ridges of his abdomen were nearly free of the black hair that covered his wide chest, then continued in a thin line from his navel to his groin, flaring out in a thick nest of curls around his heavy cock.
Veyl licked his lips, his heart beating faster as Kaidos drew near. He could smell him—the musk of his sweat from the day's exertion as he joined him in the warming cocoon of blankets and pulled Veyl into his arms.
Something was different tonight, as Kaidos joined with him, face-to-face. His big hands caressed and held as though Veyl were a precious thing, trembling at times as they moved together as one.
When Veyl came he felt something shatter and open wide inside of him. It was frightening and freeing, and afterward he couldn't stop his tears from flowing, sobbing into Kaidos' warm and comforting embrace.
CHAPTER NINETEEN
Memories Part II
The next day, something had changed very noticeably, though Kaidos couldn't put his finger on it. They packed up their camp quietly, with few words exchanged, yet more said between them through the language of their movements. Kaidos felt no need to speak and stir the still comfort of the air between them, and it felt very much as though Veyl felt the same.
They had ridden into the small village of Nesmithe as twilight was tinting the sky in shades of purple and red. It reminded Kaidos of what Veyl had been wearing the night he'd abducted him from Aaullsworthe.
They'd taken an inn for the evening and now were in their room, still clothed, but beginning to go through the motions of remedying that situation. They'd ended up on the rug near the bed after Veyl had been making it difficult for Kaidos to get a fire started in the hearth by touching and kissing him every chance he got.
"I want you, Kai," Veyl breathed against his ear as Kaidos kissed his neck. "I want to put my cock inside of you and--"
The words, spoken as seduction, cleaved through Kaidos like a threat. He shoved away from Veyl, leaving him sitting on the floor with empty arms and an expression of surprise.
"No. I'm sorry...no..." Kaidos raked his hands through his hair and stood up, pacing and trying to get himself under control. "No." He was shaking, his heart racing as he tried to keep back the burning gall rising to his throat.
"Kaidos, I'm confused," Veyl said as he remained seated on the floor, "in the bath you'd said you'd never been inside a man before, but earlier, in the forest, you said you'd been with a man...Did somebody hurt you? Is that what this is about?" his tone was not accusatory.
Kaidos felt a brick fall into his stomach. He didn't think that Veyl had been paying close attention in either situation, and now, especially after some of the things Veyl had told him, he felt he at least owed him some explanation. Unfortunately, he'd been down this road before with Guis--telling him the entire truth of the matter had driven him away, and despite Guis' recent apology, the words he'd said back then had already done their damage.
"Kai?" Veyl leaned forward, his eyebrows ar
ched.
"I..." Kaidos' throat had turned to sand, and his tongue seemed to be trying to follow suit.
Veyl leaned back with a sigh, "It's none of my business, but I'd like to listen if you're willing to talk."
Kaidos wanted to talk to Veyl and tell him almost everything: all of his hopes and dreams and every other dark secret—except this one. This secret was something that he'd turned over in his head for years to try and understand, and then, when that failed, he'd done everything he could to forget it. But it was something that would not fade quietly away. Unlike his Wanderer tattoo, the layers went too deep to remove the stain.
Kaidos looked around for something to focus on--anything--just so he didn't have to see the expression of quiet concern on Veyl's face.
"Kaidos," Veyl said softly, his gaze falling to his lap, "Lirin said something to me that bothered me; and it bothered me more after I saw what happened when you were fighting. It was him, wasn't it…it was Lirin who hurt you."
Kaidos felt his world come to a sudden halt. He stood frozen; the ice flowing from his center, making his arms and legs go numb. He swallowed hard, his gaze now firmly set on Veyl.
"It wasn't…it wasn't quite like that."
Veyl got up and poured them each a cup of wine, then sat and stretched his legs out on the bed, scooting over to make room for Kaidos.
Wine seemed like the first and the last thing Kaidos needed, but he made his way over and accepted the cup, sitting on the edge of the bed. His back was to Veyl, yet he was very aware of him, and the arm that extended towards him, resting on the bed, in case he should need some contact. Kaidos wondered if that would change once Veyl knew the truth.
Kaidos licked his lips, this throat still dry, and took a slow sip of the wine before trying to speak. It tasted bitter and watered down, though he understood that the flavor he experienced had nothing to do with the wine itself.
He turned the cup in his hands, staring down into the deep red liquid.
"I was eight years old when my father brought me to live with the Wanderers at Starlight Camp. My brothers—half brothers—were already living there." Kaidos still remembered that day. He hadn't seen his father for weeks prior, being kept in the care of a woman named Magda. The reunion was—as usual—a combination of joy and apprehension. Kaidos loved his father, although through the years he often wondered why.
"It took us a couple of days to get there. I think it was the longest time I'd ever spent with my Daj—my father. He was a quiet man, always thinking, so when he looked at you, there was nothing about you that could be read in his eyes."
Kaidos sighed, his shoulders slumping under the weight of his memories. He began to take a drink from his cup, and noticed that it was already empty. Turning at the waist, he held it out to Veyl who refilled it for him, graciously not meeting his gaze. It allowed Kaidos to study his face, and appreciate the impassive beauty long enough to focus his mind and let him continue.
"Lirin was sixteen; Ahbrim and Ruthgar were both fourteen--just a few months apart when I met them. Ruthgar was slow-witted, worse than he is now, and Ahbrim took care of him as though he was his father sometimes. He's a good man." Kaidos realized he ran the risk of getting off topic, so he stopped and took another drink of wine.
The lantern that had lit the room went out, and all there was now was the fire in the hearth. Kaidos found comfort in the darkness. He changed positions so that he was now sitting on the bed near Veyl, both of them resting their backs against the heavy wooden headboard.
Shadows moved and danced from the flames, and Kaidos watched them, letting this be his focus, and not the heat of the man beside him.
"I'd never really understood attachment. Daj moved me several times during my first several years of life; to new homes among the tribes. He'd leave me with strangers that I stopped trying to love, because it only made it more painful to leave." Kaidos had never realized this so much as when the words just left his mouth. Saying it made him acknowledge just how vulnerable he'd been, and how he'd learned as an adult to cover that vulnerability with violence, and anger, and sex. It also made him realize the absence of those drives now with Veyl. The sex between them felt like something more than an activity to avoid feeling at all.
"So Daj stayed for about a week, spending more time in the beds of women than with us, and then he was gone again, leaving me with these strangers who were my brothers.
"It was strange to be sharing a wagon with them. It was larger than the one you and I were in. There was a small living space, and the beds, one stacked above the other, were behind a curtain. Ahbrim and Ruthgar shared a bed but I slept on the rug. Lirin barely seemed to notice me, and although he'd offered me space in his bed, I was still too uncomfortable with my new situation to get close."
Again, Kaidos drained his cup and again Veyl filled it. The brush of his fingers as Veyl returned the cup sent a shiver through Kaidos. It wasn't unpleasant, but it reminded him that Veyl was here with him now, listening to him as he told him things he'd never wanted to tell anybody. Kaidos wondered if, after hearing what he had to say, Veyl would avoid touching him so much. Although the thought of that squeezed his chest painfully, Kaidos had to remember that none of that was up to him. That Veyl had become anything more than just merchandise to be transported had been a pleasant and unexpected wonder.
"As part of the culture, Wanderer girls are to remain chaste until marriage. Not so, however with the boys. Whenever we came close to a town, some of the older ones would sneak off to see if they could find willing partners among the geejah girls. But there were many times that we made camp in unpopulated areas,which made some boys turn to other boys. It was a small group of young men who coaxed me away from prying eyes and…" Kaidos closed his eyes, trying not to remember the scent of stale onions from the sack they pulled over his head, or the cold sting of urine against his skin when he'd been so scared he'd wet himself.
"I think there were four of them. They took me to an older wagon—one that was mostly used as a pantry. There was a table in the middle where two held me down while the others took off my clothes…"
"Oh…" Veyl winced and he reached for Kaidos, but let his hand drop near Kaidos' own. It was a signal, an offer, that it was his to hold if he needed it, and Kaidos appreciated the gesture as well as the fact that Veyl hadn't breeched the barrier of space between them.
"I couldn't see them, and I was too afraid to scream. I didn't know what was happening until I started to feel a finger, trying to push inside…" Kaidos took in a shuddering breath. This part of the events never tormented him so much because he was a victim in the truest sense. He'd learned to separate the frightened little boy from the man he was now. Unfortunately, the same could not be said about the rest.
"Lirin…saved me. I was on the verge of passing out, so certain that they wanted to reach up inside of me and start pulling out my guts. I thought I would die. And then I heard the door bang open and the next thing I knew, Lirin was holding me in his arms, soothing me…"
It's okay, baby brother, I've got you.
Kaidos swallowed the bile that rose to the back of his throat, unconsciously drawing his knees up, closer to his chest.
His voice was ragged when he finally found it again. "After that, Lirin never left my side. He made me feel safe, treasured. I moved to his bed and he'd hold me and tell me over and over again that I was pretty, I was special, and I was his. The words came to me as comfort initially…and then…"
Kaidos shook his head. This was one memory he never understood, because it never seemed quite real to him, though he could remember every lurid detail.
"I never saw the faces of the boys who abducted me that first time, but there was one man—about Lirin's age—who seemed to be angry with Lirin. He was twice his size at least in bulk, but despite what he said, Lirin never got angry, and that only made the man angrier. One day he said something to Lirin—something I didn't hear, or maybe I've just managed to forget—and the next thing I knew, Lirin w
as beating the man bloody. When he took out his knife I got scared and tried to stop him. He was like a wild animal. Lirin punched me so hard I saw stars and ended up bloody and disoriented in the dirt. Someone heard all of the noise and the next thing I knew, Lirin was dragging me by the collar of my shirt back to our wagon. I don't remember anyone else being inside. I was frightened of him for the first time, and confused…because he looked…he looked…" Kaidos swallowed again, and it felt like a jagged stone slicing him all the way down.
"He looked…insane, so much so, I thought that he might have housed a demon. We were both bleeding, and he took me to the bed, saying things both vicious and kind with that soft, comforting voice of his, but his eyes were wild and his smile…it looked like a beast's. He ripped off my stained clothes, yet touched me so gently… I was so confused, I had no idea what was happening…only that it felt good, and yet I was terrified. That was the first time…it hurt so bad that I threw up, and after…afterward he was so calm. He cleaned me up gently, spoke to me soothingly…told me how much he loved me."
Kaidos waited for Veyl to react, but he was still and silent and Kaidos told himself that he'd fallen asleep. Still, he'd come this far, and even if Veyl was sleeping, he wanted to finish and get everything out that he'd been holding onto. That way it was done, whether Veyl heard it or not, and he'd never have to say the words again.
"I came to love him, and yet I feared to defy him meant death."
Lirin had killed. He'd taught Kaidos how to be a thief, but there was always a learning process to go through. A mistake Kaidos had made once while they were burglarizing a home—misjudging a step and tripping over a low stool—had brought the owner from his bedroom to investigate. Lirin had set Kaidos in the center of the room so the young Wanderer boy was the first thing the man would see, and Lirin crept up behind the man and cut his throat. Kaidos had watched the entire thing without being able to move a muscle. He watched how Lirin stepped over the dying man as his blood pooled on the floor. The man had reached out to Kaidos, his eyes pleading, and Kaidos could do nothing but stare in horror.
