by Jay Bell
The man led Tim through the theater, a strange world full of hallways, scenery pieces, and props, but he barely paid any attention. This was a terrible idea. He knew he looked horrible. Not only was he out of shape, but he hadn’t bothered to shave this morning, and lord knew he hadn’t slept much recently. He could at least chew some gum to hide the smell of beer on his breath. But it was too late. The man opened a door to the familiar reception room and bar.
“Another one for you.”
There he was! Not Bo Williams and his fake beard but Benjamin Bentley. And he looked fantastic. Age had done him more favors than harm. His once-blond hair was cut short, darker now and closer to matching his brown eyes. The summer sun made his skin appear radiant and healthy, and he didn’t seem to have an ounce of fat on his thin frame.
Tim could see by Ben’s expression that he was having entirely different thoughts about him. Was that pity?
Then Tim heard a familiar scoff. Ryan was standing farther away, wearing a smug expression.
“What are you doing here?” Tim said, jaw clenching.
“Me?” Ryan shouted. “I should be the one asking that, if it wasn’t so obvious. I checked your computer. I know you’ve been coming here!”
“So what? It’s a theater!”
“With him in it? Like that’s an accident?” Ryan marched forward; Tim met him halfway. “You’re pathetic, you know that? You have the nerve to kick me out for sleeping around on you—”
Too much! Tim couldn’t take it anymore. Here he was in front of Ben again after all this time, looking and feeling like hell, and Ryan was spouting everything ugly about his life. Red blinded his vision. He just wanted Ryan to shut up, to stop spewing venom and go away.
“Let go of him!” The voice sounded like Ben’s, but it was far away. “I said let go!”
A hand grabbed his shoulder, and Tim swung around defensively. Then the world came back into focus and Ben was staring at him in fear.
Oh god.
“That’s right, show him how you treat me!” Ryan shouted. When Tim turned around, Ryan was lifting up his T-shirt sleeves to reveal the bruises he got last week when Tim had shaken him in anger. Now, just above them, were fresh red handprints. “Did he do this to you, too?” Ryan said. “Is that why you left him?”
Tim turned to explain, but Ben no longer appeared afraid. He looked angry. Tim couldn’t hold his gaze.
“I’m going to kill myself,” Ryan shouted. Tim heard the front door open. “I’m going to kill myself and leave a note blaming it on you!”
The door slammed after him. The silence that followed was thick. This was humiliating.
“I guess I should go after him,” Tim said lamely.
“I guess you should.”
He reached the door, his hand on the push bar. He couldn’t leave it like this. Ben had seen him do plenty of terrible things, but this was too low. Tim turned his head. “La Maisonette, tomorrow. Seven o’clock?” When Ben didn’t answer, he added, “Please?”
Ben sighed. “All right.”
Tim left the theater, head hung low. He found Ryan half a block down, waiting at a bus stop, arms wrapped around himself.
“Come on,” Tim said, not bothering to stop. “I’ll drive you home.”
Half a minute later Ryan rushed to catch up to him. “I hate you,” he said.
“Yeah. I kind of figured that.”
Ryan sniffed. “You still love him, don’t you? Admit it.”
“I have a bad habit of loving people I shouldn’t, but don’t worry. He shares your opinion of me.”
They didn’t talk during the drive home or the rest of the night. When Ryan announced he was having a party the next day, Tim merely shrugged. At least it would keep Ryan occupied while he went to dinner with the love of his life and tried to explain the colossal mess he’d gotten himself into.
Chapter Thirty-one
A fresh haircut could work wonders. Today, Tim needed something more miraculous than that. He stared forlornly at his reflection in the car’s flip-down visor. The stylist had done the best she could, but even cleanly shaven he still looked like life had taken a dump on him. Too many parties, sleepless nights, and arguments. Too much Ryan.
Flipping up the visor with a resigned sigh, Tim went into La Maisonette early and had the waiter bring him a bottle of wine. He intended it to be ready and waiting when Ben arrived, but his nerves got the better of him and he poured himself a glass. Or two.
When Ben showed up, led to the table by the waiter, he looked wary, as if Tim had some ulterior motive. Tim felt much too insecure to even contemplate seduction. He gave his best smile anyway—just enough to convince Ben to sit.
“I’m sorry about yesterday,” he said, lifting the bottle. “Drink?”
Ben nodded, watching Tim pour a glass and set it before him, but he didn’t touch it. “Is your boyfriend okay?”
“Ryan? Yeah, he says stuff like that all the time.”
Ben’s posture was rigid. “And do you react like that all the time?”
“No! I never hit him. Nothing like that.” Tim moved his hand across the table out of habit, wanting to touch Ben. Instead he lamely fondled the salt shaker before retreating. “We had a fight last week, an argument, and I grabbed him just like last night. I guess I don’t know my own strength.” Ben didn’t look convinced. “Ryan really knows how to push my buttons. Usually I keep my cool, but lately— I’m afraid of what might happen if things don’t change.”
Ben considered his words before his body language relaxed slightly. “All right. Tell me everything.”
Tim poured out his heart, grateful for a sympathetic ear. Marcello wasn’t a bad listener either, but he regarded Ryan as a defective product that needed to be exchanged for something better. Marcello transitioned through love affairs with ease. For Tim, every relationship had gravitas, and when things went wrong, he felt like Atlas struggling under the weight of the world.
“Ryan is your opposite,” Tim said. “You always brought out the best in me, changed me for the better. With Ryan, I just don’t know. I used to see myself in him. His parents are just as cold as mine. I saw the pain hidden behind that pretty face of his, but he has a mean streak. Ryan turns his hurt back on the world, and I don’t know what I can do to make him better. I think he’s who I would have become had I never met you.”
“You would have been fine,” Ben said.
“No, I wouldn’t have. Hell, look at the mess I’ve made of my life.” Tim shook his head. “You never would have let me get away with any of this.”
“I still won’t.” Ben smiled for the first time since arriving. “You inviting me here tonight gives me free reign to meddle.”
Tim shrugged. “Meddle away. As long as you can fix things.”
“You could leave him,” Ben said.
“I could,” Tim said, “but the sex is great, and you know how needy I get. If only I had someone to take his place.”
Ben rolled his eyes. “Jace knows I’m here.”
“That’s fine.” Tim took another sip of wine. “Did I cause an argument?”
“Nope.”
“Despite what happened last time, he still let you meet me here tonight?”
Ben nodded.
“He’s not human.”
“Probably not,” Ben said as if exasperated, but he was smiling. “He trusts me, and I’m not about to make him regret that. Not this time.”
“Good,” Tim said. Amazing how one little word could still be a lie.
The waiter came to take their orders, but neither of them had even glanced at the menus yet. Tim ordered the suggested appetizer, but by the time it came, they both were eager to leave. This wasn’t the right environment. Had they ever eaten dinner out together? Doing so now seemed unnatural, so they settled the bill and left.
“You should probably get home,” Tim said. “Jace might make Gandhi look intolerant, but I bet he’s still worried.”
“You can’t drive. Not after all that
wine.”
“It was just a few glasses.”
“It was enough.” Ben started toward the parking lot. “Come on. I’ll give you a ride.”
Familiar discomfort settled over Tim once they were in Ben’s car. He imagined Jace sitting in this very seat, wondered how much of the interior smell came from him. Was that a hint of his cologne? Tim still didn’t like the idea of someone else being with Ben, but he no longer felt he had a claim on him. Especially now. Ben probably thought he was pathetic, the furthest thing from being worthy of love.
“This isn’t how I meant for it to be. How I wanted us to meet again, I mean.” Tim glanced over at Ben, rows of shadow and light from the streetlights passing over his face. “I had this dream about you being on stage. Isn’t that crazy? I had no idea you did theater, but I dreamt it anyway.”
Ben’s eyes darted to meet his. “And that’s how you found me?”
“Well, that and some Google-powered stalking.”
“I may have indulged in that myself,” Ben said.
“You tried looking me up?”
“Yeah. I was curious. I didn’t find anything, though.”
Because Tim didn’t do anything. He hadn’t left his mark on the world, hadn’t made a difference in any way. The thought was almost as depressing as the cars that filled his driveway and lined the street. Ryan’s party. Tim had nearly forgotten. “Walk me to the door?” he said jokingly, relieved when Ben pulled over and killed the engine. Ben felt like a lifeline to sanity, and Tim wasn’t ready to let go just yet.
They could hear loud music blaring even before they got out of the car. Once they did, shouting voices were added to the din. And a howl that made Tim’s gut twist with guilt.
“I told him not to leave her out back. She hates being alone at night.”
“Chinchilla?”
“Yeah.” Tim nodded toward the house. “Come on. She’ll be glad to see you.”
Having property enough to not need a privacy fence was nice, but Tim was considering having one built. That way Chinchilla could be unchaperoned when outside. Currently he had to keep her on a leash tied to a tree. When Chinchilla saw them, she bounded around in circles, stubby tail wagging when Ben knelt down to pet her.
Tim squatted, unclipping the line and trying to get it untangled. “This happens almost nightly,” he muttered. If he wasn’t having a party, Ryan would get sick of the dog being in the way and put her outside, knowing Tim would bring her back in every time. Ryan probably did it just to piss him off.
“I don’t mean to state the obvious,” Ben said, “but why don’t you just break up with him? I know, I know, you said the sex is really great, but things are only going to get worse.”
“You’re right, but I don’t know how. You heard him last night. He always threatens to kill himself. The night he overdosed was because I suggested taking a break.”
Chinchilla was on her back now, Ben rubbing her belly absentmindedly. He suggested a scheme to get rid of Ryan, one about shipping him off to some tropical gay resort to find someone new. The idea was completely unrealistic and just crazy enough to make Tim smile. Ben still held that power, even now. Tim was miserable and felt embarrassed at the state of his affairs, but Ben could make him smile.
Their joking around was interrupted by the sound of smashing glass. What the hell was Ryan doing, trashing the place? Disturbingly, this was within the realm of possibility.
Ben sighed and stood up. “All right. Time for me to make everything better. Come on.”
As they entered through the back door, Tim saw the chaos around him through Ben’s eyes and realized just how screwed up his life had become. The house was full of guys, many of them probably still in high school, all of them intoxicated. Ryan’s circle of friends had spread beyond Marcello’s escorts and models. Many of the faces were familiar, but only from previous parties like this one that seemed to get worse every time. A group of teenagers stood next to a broken window, a potted plant on the other side.
Tim picked up Chinchilla, worried about her stepping on shards, and shut her in the laundry room. At least there she would be safe. Often Tim would take Chinchilla and retreat upstairs to his bedroom until it all blew over, but tonight he had a feeling things were going to become much worse before they ended.
The heart of the party thudded and beat in the living room. Ben marched in like he owned the place, walking over to the stereo and yanking the cord from the wall. At the sudden silence, every head in the room turned toward them, Ryan’s included, and Tim felt scared. Not for himself, but for Ben. As emotionally strong as Ben was, Ryan was bat-shit crazy and already moving toward them.
“What the hell is he doing here?” Ryan spat, clearly high on something.
“I’m here with my boyfriend,” Ben said.
Boyfriend? Tim was even more surprised when Ben took his hand. Okay, so maybe Ben was a little crazy too.
Ryan pulled his lips back in a snarl, then launched himself in Ben’s direction, pushing party-goers out of the way.
No. Absolutely not! Tim changed his stance, ready to deck Ryan before he could lay a finger on Ben.
Tim tensed as he felt a hand on his check, one that turned his head. He barely had time to process this before Ben’s lips smashed into his and everything was forgotten. The party, Ryan, the years of mistakes and regrets—all gone. There was only Ben, and he was everything love should be.
When their lips parted again, the room silent, Tim understood. Ben knew that Tim would never leave Ryan. He would have done so already if he could. But they could drive Ryan away if they convinced him they were an item. Tim didn’t need to pretend. Not about this. He looked over at Ryan, leaving his emotions exposed. When Ryan saw the truth, a sob escaped from his throat.
“I’m moving in,” Ben said, twisting the knife. “Tim asked me to. You are leaving and never coming back. All of you.”
When no one reacted, Ben mentioned cops and drug dogs. That did the trick. The street value of the illegal substances these kids were carrying in their pockets and bloodstreams was probably worth a fortune, and none of them wanted to lose what they had. The house cleared out quickly. That left Tim and Ben alone with Ryan, whose sorrow was shifting back to anger.
“I’ll kill myself,” he said. “I swear to God I will!”
“No, Ryan, you won’t.” Tim slowly walked toward him. “I know you won’t, because you’re too much of a coward. You’ve been running away since the day I met you, away from your family’s disapproval, away from the one person who loves you, but most of all you’ve been trying to escape from yourself. I was once that cowardly, and you still are.”
“I overdosed!” Ryan whined.
“And I was there holding your hand in the hospital as they pumped your stomach. When I told you that you almost died, you cried. I thought there was still hope for you then, but I’ve seen you almost overdose every night since. I don’t know how to fix you, Ryan. I wish I did, but it’s not going to be my money that helps destroy you. Not anymore.”
“You need me! Ben won’t stick around. He’ll leave you and you’ll be alone. Then what will you do?”
“I guess we’ll find out,” Tim put a gentle hand on Ryan’s shoulder, guiding him out of the room. “Come on. We’ll pack your things.”
“I’m not packing anything!”
“Then you’ll watch me do it.” He tightened the arm he had around Ryan, trying to make it feel supportive when really he just wanted to get him away from Ben. Thankfully, Ben didn’t follow them out of the room.
“You can’t make me leave,” Ryan said on the way up the stairs. He kept stopping like they would stand there and discuss it. Tim tried to keep him walking. Eventually he gave up and went into the bedroom by himself, gathering up Ryan’s things while listening for signs of trouble from downstairs. But soon Ryan came into the room, his face contorted with anger. “How long have you been seeing him?”
“Ben?” Tim smirked. “Since I was seventeen.”
&n
bsp; “You know what I mean!”
Tim grabbed a bunch of shirts from the closet and stuffed them in the suitcase, hangers and all. “We never stopped seeing each other. Not really.”
“So you’ve always been cheating on me?”
“Yeah.” Lying to him—hurting him intentionally—wasn’t a good feeling. But it had to be done.
Ryan sat on the edge of the bed, head down, and Tim started getting angry himself. What right did he have to act so hurt when he’s the one who cheated? Tim packed the rest of Ryan’s things with little care, then called a taxi while watching Ryan cry.
“Where are you going to go?” Tim asked him.
“I don’t know.”
“Go home. Your parents will take you in.”
“I hate them!”
“You hate everything.” Tim headed for the door. “Come on.”
“No.”
“I’ll call the cops if I have to. Now come on.”
Ryan stood and took hold of his arm. “Please,” he said. “Please don’t make me go. I’m sorry.”
Tim ignored him, walking to the front door and practically dragging Ryan along. Even when they passed Ben on the way, Ryan kept begging, and Tim felt oddly embarrassed for him. When the taxi arrived, he gave the driver a hundred bucks and told him to take Ryan wherever he wanted. As the taxi drove away, Tim stood in the street watching it go, the brake lights blazing red before the car turned at a corner and disappeared from sight.
“You okay?”
Tim turned around to find Ben there. “Yeah.” Then he gave in to instinct and wrapped Ben in his arms. Everything about him brought comfort. The feel of his body, the familiar scent of his skin, the warmth of his neck. “You always know how to make things right. I’m a mess without you.”
“I’m awesome, I know.” Ben gently pulled away. “I’m also in trouble. Jace is going to give me hell when he finds out I kissed you, no matter what the reason. You are going to make all my suffering worth it by never seeing Ryan again, right?”
