by Jay Bell
Ben laughed, reaching down for Tim’s hands and pulling his arms around him. “This was the right thing to do. This is what we needed.”
“Is it?” Tim said, feeling more puzzled than ever.
Ben sighed. “I’m sorry about earlier.” He turned around to face him, their hips close together, but Ben placed a hand on Tim’s chest until he took a step back. “And I’m sorry if I keep leading you on.”
“Please talk to me,” Tim said. “If this is punishment for all those times I kept you guessing…”
“I don’t play games,” Ben said, shaking his head. “At least I don’t mean to. Sometimes I feel like I can do this, that we can start over, but then I remember and—” Ben lowered his eyes. “I’ve been through a lot.”
Tim’s stomach sank. Of course. “Jace,” he said.
Ben nodded. “There’s so much you don’t know.”
“Then tell me!” Tim said in desperation. “Please!”
Ben took a deep breath and nodded. “I don’t know how much Allison told you, but Jace suffered from aneurysms. He had a close call once, and that was terrifying enough. When it happened a second time—” Ben’s lip trembled. “We were together. At home. Jace wanted me to hold him, which was weird because he was usually the one to hold me. He knew he wouldn’t make it, or he’d given up—I don’t know, but we were in bed and I did what he said, even though it hurt like hell.” Ben wiped at his eyes. “That’s what he wanted, and I know it sounds stupid, but I thought if I held on to him tight enough, that it might make a difference—that I wouldn’t lose him. I was still holding Jace when he died.”
“That must have been hell for you,” Tim said, clenching his jaw. “And here I am, stupid enough to think that I could just saunter back into your life and make everything perfect again. I’m sorry. Of course you can’t love anyone else.”
“No!” Ben took a step forward, shaking his head. “You don’t understand! I do love you! I love you so much that I can barely keep it in! All I want to do is touch you, kiss you—anything to bring us as close together as humanly possible. But then I remember how painful it was to lose Jace.” Ben grabbed Tim’s hand, eyes wild. “I know you think I’m brave, but losing Jace almost broke me. I can’t go through that again. The thought of watching you die one day, the idea alone is enough to break my heart.”
Tim pulled Ben close, kissed his forehead before resting his cheek against his head. There was no solution to this problem, no way to guarantee Ben that he wouldn’t get hurt again. Tim knew the pain that love brought. The two were inseparable, but both love and pain had taught him one thing. He kissed Ben’s hair, let go of him, and took a step back.
“Jace was worth it.”
Ben looked surprised. “What?”
“I’m not even going to ask because there’s no question. Jace was worth going through all that pain, and you were worth the hell we went through as teenagers.” Tim looked Ben straight in the eye. “I can’t honestly say that I’m worth it, but I’ll try my best, and I promise you that you won’t have to see me die. No matter what happens in the future, I won’t be the first one to go.”
Ben blinked, and when his smile came, it brought along a sigh. “Of all the lies you’ve told me over the years, that one is the most beautiful.”
Tim shook his head. “It’s not a lie. No matter how hard I have to cling to life, no matter how many life support units and doctors it takes, I won’t die first. My love for you is strong enough to keep me going. And when your time finally comes, I won’t survive the loss and will be right behind you.”
“You can’t promise that,” Ben said, but his eyes were shining.
“There’s only one way to prove me wrong,” Tim replied.
They passed a boat overloaded with drunk passengers, one of whom shouted “Whooooooooo!” before they heard a loud splash. Okay, so maybe he could understand why Nana got sick of the boats, but soon the party had gone its way, leaving them in the evening’s tranquility.
Tim put an arm around Ben’s shoulder as they faced the water together. “So you love me, huh?”
“Love doesn’t even begin to describe it.” Ben exhaled. “And you’re right. Jace was worth it. And so are you. Just keep that promise, okay?”
“You got it.”
In the far distance they could hear a mariachi band. They had their own boats too, roving musicians who would play for money, and while Tim normally found that music annoying, the way the songs floated ethereal through the evening air made them sound beautiful.
Tim pressed his nose against Ben’s neck, kissing him there. “Come back to the table. We have to eat some of this food or Nana will never forgive us.”
They picked at the leftovers, offering the rest to the boat owner to take home. Hopefully the guy had a huge family. Then they sipped beers, looking out across the water as the boat slowly brought them home again. They were dropped off at Nana’s house directly, where they squeezed through a gap in the old fence.
Tim held up two bottles he’d grabbed on the way off the boat. “Want another beer before we go in?”
Ben didn’t answer, looking at him with an expression that probably matched Tim’s own. He saw lust there, but it was more than that. Interest. Longing. Love. Tim set down the beers.
“We’re starting over,” he said. “This is the first day we met.”
“Strange place to meet,” Ben replied.
“Not right here,” Tim said “I met you earlier in the day. You were wandering the streets and looking sad.”
“Why was I sad?”
“That’s the first thing I asked you.”
“In Spanish?” There was a glimmer in Ben’s eye.
Tim grinned in response. “You like that, don’t you?”
“Well,” Ben said coyly, “I figure I’m a lost tourist. You’re the helpful native.”
“Okay. I came up to you and said, ‘¿Por qué estás tan triste, mi hermoso muchacho? Déjame que ahuyente esas nubes que ensombrecen tu rostro.’”
Ben leaned against the wall of the house. “And I said, ‘Huh?’”
Tim laughed. “So I tried again in English. ‘Beautiful boy, why do you look so sad? Let me chase away those clouds from your face.’”
“How will you do that?” Ben asked.
“Con un beso.”
Before Ben could ask what this meant, Tim stepped forward to show him, placing one hand against the wall and gently pressing his lips against Ben’s. Then he pulled back, basking in the resulting smile. “See?” he said. “There it is. The sunshine, even in the middle of the night.”
Ben took a deep breath. “I was sad because I was lost. That’s what I would tell you. But now that you’ve found me, maybe you can take me home with you.”
“And that’s how we ended up here.” Tim gave a nervous chuckle. “Apparently we took a boat home. Let’s go inside.”
Ben nodded.
The house was silent, with only a single light on in the living room. Tim glanced at the note Nana had left. They were to sleep in the sewing room. Taking Ben’s hand, he led them through the house and up the stairs, relieved when they arrived in the room without waking Nana. Holding his breath, he shut the door as quietly as possible and turned to Ben. Then they both smiled. Sneaking upstairs to a bedroom sure brought back memories.
The small bed in the corner was freshly made. Ben sat on the edge and took off his shoes. Tim kicked off his own impatiently, desperate to be near Ben, but he also knew what this moment meant. The last time Ben had shared a bed with someone had been his final moments with Jace.
Tim turned off the light and opened the window, letting in the sounds of the night—traffic, insects, voices, and the lapping of water on the shore—all reminders of the different world they were in. Hopefully this would keep painful memories away. Then he moved to the bed where Ben still sat.
Tim ran his fingers through Ben’s hair and bent down for a kiss. Ben took hold of him, leaning back and pulling him in. They shifted and scooted, lips never parti
ng as they maneuvered the rest of the way into bed. Tim stripped off Ben’s shirt, then his own, as Ben worked at their pants. Before he could get too far, Tim wrapped his arms around Ben and rolled over, kissing him deeply, wanting nothing ever again but this.
If Ben wanted to stop there, if he only wanted Tim to sleep next to him the rest of the night, he could have been satisfied with that. But even at the worst of times, they had always shared the same appetite. Ben moved his hands back down to their belts, and this time Tim let him do what he wanted, putting his hands behind his head as Ben finished undressing him and then stood to take off his own clothes. Tim glanced over, Ben standing at the side of the bed as he kicked off his jeans. In the dim light of the room, he was a dark silhouette, the edge of his body illuminated with light from the window, neck shiny with saliva where Tim had kissed him last.
“Come be with me,” Tim said, reaching out a hand. He meant more than just this moment, this simple act. Ben responded, crawling into bed, and for awhile all they did was hold each other. He waited for Ben to cry, feeling relieved when he didn’t, but still he took it slow. Rolling over on his side, he let his fingers trace up and down Ben’s skin, delighting in each shiver he caused. Then Ben began to reciprocate, rubbing his hands over Tim’s body just like he used to, exploring him.
“Any new scars?” Ben asked.
“None you can see,” Tim said, but his breath caught in his throat when Ben kissed his chest, his stomach, and then traced a path south with his tongue.
“Hold on!” Tim said, grabbing Ben’s shoulder. “That’s exactly what I want to do to you.”
Ben resisted, wearing a mischievous grin. “We’re starting over, and if you’ll recall, you were first.”
“That was then,” Tim said, but an idea occurred to him. “Sesenta y nueve.”
Ben paused as he tried to recall his high school Spanish. Then he snorted. “It sounds so much more romantic in your language.”
“It’s not romance I’m going for,” Tim replied.
Ben’s gaze could have made a volcano sweat. Crawling down to the end of the bed, he swung his legs over each side of Tim’s head. Tim was tempted to make a joke about the Sword of Damocles, but instead he moaned in pleasure—Ben having claimed his prize at the other end. The sensations made Tim writhe before he regained control. He put a hand on Ben’s butt to bring his hips lower so he could return the favor.
They risked small moans and whimpers as their hips pumped, rolling to their sides, then over again with Tim on top. Though he felt he could ride these waves of ecstasy forever, he wanted to get back to those lips of Ben’s that drove him wild. Tim crawled in a quick circle, lifting one of Ben’s legs with his shoulder as he sought another kiss.
“Do you think we can—” Tim let the question hang.
“Have any lube?” Ben asked.
They glanced around the room in mad hope, finding only a sewing machine, doily-covered lampshades, and a statue of the Virgin Mary who appeared more smug than scandalized. Tim laughed. “Guess Nana is fresh out.”
Ben’s finger traced a path across Tim’s pecs, running circles around one of his nipples. “Remember when we used to kind of fake it? Before I got up the nerve the first time.”
Tim grinned at the memory, adjusting his hips. Both of Ben’s hands lowered to hold their cocks tightly together. Tim began pumping, eyes locked on Ben as they rediscovered this old game. Then the sensations made them somber, Tim leaning forward and kissing Ben as he thrust harder and faster. He moved his kisses to Ben’s chin, tracing the jaw line with his tongue before nibbling on his neck. Tim was leaking enough pre-come that Ben’s hands were slick. He wondered if it would be enough to do more without needing lube when the thought sent him over the edge.
Ben’s muscles tensed, his breath held, so Tim kept pumping until Ben bit his lower lip to keep from moaning. Then Ben’s breath came out as a sigh and he relaxed. Tim gently lowered on to him, holding himself up just enough to keep from crushing Ben with his weight. Their heaving breaths soon turned to hisses of quiet laughter.
“¿Ya no estás triste, mi mariposa hermosa?” he asked. “No longer sad, my beautiful butterfly?”
“No.” Ben shook his head with a dopey grin. “Not anymore.”
* * * * *
«I’ve been going to a new church,» Nana said. She stretched her legs out straight, pushing back into her favorite recliner and wiggling her toes before she put her legs back down.
«That’s nice,» Tim said, turning his attention back to the Spanish-English dictionary he was thumbing through. Being back in Mexico City always made him aware of the holes in his Spanish. The other day he was trying to ask a shopkeeper for aftershave and had to settle for saying “face water” instead.
«If you were staying longer, you could go to church with me,» Nana continued. «You would like it.»
He doubted that!
«Can’t you stay longer?» Nana pressed.
«No. The flights are booked, and even if we changed them, Ben has to go back to work. So do I.»
«You must like him a lot to bring him here. I always pictured you bringing a beautiful American girl to meet me one day, but I like Ben.»
Tim listened to make sure the shower upstairs was still running before he remembered they were speaking in Spanish. Ben wouldn’t know they were talking about him even if he was in the room. «I love him, Nana.»
«So will you build a home with him?»
Tim shook his head. «He already has a house, and so do I.»
«Those are places, not homes. A home is what you make together.» Nana picked some lint off the recliner’s arm. «Two houses! How will that be a home?»
«No idea,» Tim admitted. «I think he’s attached to his house, and I don’t want to leave mine.»
Nana nodded as if this made sense. «Did you know I never wanted to live in this city? I grew up in a small village, and that’s all I knew. That’s all I wanted to know. Your grandfather was from Guadalajara, and he didn’t want to leave there, either.»
«Then how did you meet?»
«He did business with my father, working for a bank that wanted to check on their investment. So when he came to see that everything in the company was going well, he would always be invited for dinner. That’s how we met and kept meeting. When he said he wanted to marry me, I was happy, until I learned he wanted us to live in Guadalajara.»
«So what did you do?»
«I told him that if I had to leave my home, he also had to leave his. I told him to find a new job somewhere else. Then I would marry him and move there.»
Tim laughed. «And that’s how you ended up here?»
«That’s right.»
«Crazy old woman.»
Nana smiled proudly. «You think about it. Sometimes you can only make a home in a new place. Move here to Mexico City. Be close to your grandma.»
Now he saw what she was trying to say. Tim agreed with Ben. Too much connected them both to Austin now. They couldn’t leave it behind. But there might be some wisdom in her words anyway. «We can’t move here, but I’ll try to visit more often. Okay?»
Nana nodded as if satisfied. «Next time you come with me to my new church. The priest, he’s younger than me, but he says that love isn’t a sin. You love a woman, you love a man, you love a tomato. God is happy, because he created love.»
Tim stared at her. «Do you agree?»
Nana shook her head. «No one should love a tomato. But the rest, yes.»
«Then maybe you can talk to Mom about that.»
Nana sat upright. «Is that why you don’t spend time together?»
Tim shrugged, turning his attention back to the dictionary. He didn’t want to send Nana after his parents like an attack dog, but hopefully she would broach the subject with them. Maybe it would help. And if not, Tim would no longer worry about the consequences. Nana was right. He needed to have his own home, his own family. The only question was how.
* * * * *
“Ready
to fly home tomorrow?” Tim said, not hiding the concern in his voice.
Ben looked over at him. “Afraid I’ll come to my senses the second we land in Austin?” He winked. “Stop worrying. Against all logic and reason, I’ve been hopelessly in love with you since I was sixteen. If I haven’t snapped out of it by now, then there’s no hope for me.”
Tim grinned. “Glad to hear it.”
“Besides,” Ben said. “The past has to catch up with us eventually. When it does, we’ll face it together.”
The past was a funny thing. He and Ben stood on the apex of a pyramid, a green valley surrounding them—the Basin of Mexico. On the horizon, rolling hills and mountains turned blue as they faded into the distant sky. Here they were, on the Pyramid of the Sun, part of an ancient city built by a civilization that had risen and fallen centuries before even the Aztec Empire. The Teotihuacan people had never thought their time would come to an end, that centuries later, tourists would wander their city with cell phones and cameras extended to capture it all on video. Or that two gay guys would stand on the top of their tallest pyramid and contemplate their future together.
“I don’t want to forget what we’ve been through,” Ben said. “Not any of it. Even the painful memories belong to us.” He shrugged. “That’s who we are. Coming here was just to help us get on our feet.”
“Really? I thought we were running away together.” Tim meant it as a joke, but it didn’t sound that way.
“Nah. There’s nothing we need to run from. Not anymore, although the idea has a certain romantic appeal to it.” Ben nudged him. “Besides, what about Chinchilla?”
“She can come with us.”
“And Samson?
“Absolutely!”
“Allison too?”
“Sure, why not?” Tim grinned. “And her husband. Hell, we’ll bring all of Austin with us.”
Ben crinkled his nose. “That would sort of defeat the point.”
“Maybe. I’m just having a hard time picturing what life will be like when we go back to Austin. I’m tired of living alone.”
“Oh.” Ben eyed the valley in silence for a moment. “Yeah. That is kind of weird. Jace and I scrounged every penny we could to buy that house. So many things happened there. Good or bad, every memory is special to me.”
