“Can’t you be nicer to her? I do have to live with her.” She stood up and grabbed her jacket.
I shrugged. “Can’t. Guy code.” I held out a cup of coffee to her.
She laughed and took the cup from me, her green eyes bright. Her hair was pulled up, exposing the smooth curve of her neck. I wanted to bury my face in that curve and just breathe her in.
“You ready?” she asked, bringing me back to reality.
“Yeah.”
We got into the car and I looked at her. “So, where to?”
She looked down at her hands for a moment, and when she looked back at me, she had tears in her eyes.
I started to panic. “Red?”
“It’s been a year,” she said softly, wiping at her eyes.
“Okay.” I was trying to figure out what I was missing.
“Since they died. Today it has been a year.” She looked up at me, the tears rolling down her cheeks.
My chest ached for her. I didn’t know what to say. I would do anything to make it better, but there was nothing I could do. I pulled her toward me and wrapped my arms around her awkwardly over the center console. “Red, I’m so sorry.”
“The medical examiner kept their remains as part of the investigation into the accident. They released them months ago and I had them sent to a funeral home to be cremated. I just haven’t been able to bring myself to go get them.” She paused, taking a deep breath as the tears kept coming.
“Go get them?”
She finally looked up at me, the sadness and grief clear across her face.
“Their ashes?” I asked.
She nodded. “I know this is kind of morbid, but I thought I could spread them today and I can’t do it alone.”
I laid my hand over hers. “I’m here, Red. Whatever you need.”
I gave her a small smile. I cupped her cheek and brushed a tear from her eye. All I could think about was kissing her. I was a complete asshole. She needed a friend, and my mind was fixated on making a move. I wanted her to trust me. I wanted her to know, with absolute certainty, that I would be there for her whenever she needed me.
***
We pulled up outside the funeral home and put the car in park. I looked at her as she stared at the large white house with Nelson Funeral Home printed on the dark green awning above the door.
“You ready?” I asked. She looked at me with a sad smile and nodded.
I took her hand as we walked through the door and into the lobby. The carpet was a dark hunter green and dark wood paneling covered the walls. The scent of too many flowers and candle smoke filled the air but did nothing to mask the feeling of loss being in a place like this gave me. Red gripped my hand as we walked further into the building.
An older guy in a dark gray suit and black tie approached us. “My name is Michael Nelson. Can I help you?”
Red was frozen, so I took the lead. “I’m Drew Collins,” I said, offering him my hand. “This is Alex McCabe. We’re here for her parents. I-I mean, their ashes.”
His face softened and he turned to Alex, taking her hand in both of his. “I’m so very sorry for your loss. Please follow me. I will get the paperwork for you.”
I put my hand on the small of her back and led her down the hall behind Mr. Nelson. He led us to a small office in the back of the building. He gestured for us to have a seat in the simple brown leather chairs opposite his desk.
“What are your parents’ names?” he asked.
“William and Anna McCabe,” she said, her voice barely audible.
“I’m sorry?” He leaned closer to hear her.
“William and Anna McCabe,” I repeated. I could see how hard this was on her. I threaded my fingers through hers. She looked up at me and gave me a small smile of thanks.
Mr. Nelson typed the names into his computer, nodding his head once he found what he was looking for. He pulled a folder from the cabinet behind him. “It looks like everything is done. I just need your signature on this form stating we are releasing the remains to you.” He slid the form toward Alex and offered her a pen.
She signed it without looking. She was running on auto pilot. When she was done, he looked over the form and nodded. “I will be right back with them.” He said it like they were waiting in the other room and he was going to show them in.
“You okay, Red?”
She’d barely said anything the entire time. I was worried about her. She nodded her head, but wouldn’t look at me.
After a few more minutes, Mr. Nelson came in with a cardboard box and set it down on the desk in front of us. Inside were two small green plastic containers with each of her parent’s names printed on a label stuck to the lid.
I stared at the two containers. This was all that was left of two people who were born, fell in love, and had a life and a child together. Now all that was left of these two lives were plastic containers and labels with their names on it.
“Your instructions stipulated that you didn’t want an urn or a cremation casket,” Mr. Nelson said. Alex nodded.
I stood up, thanked Mr. Nelson for his help, picked up the box with the remains, and led Red back to the car. Alex pulled open the door and got in while I set the box in the back seat. It felt wrong to put it in the trunk.
I started the engine and turned to Red. She took a deep breath and looked at me. “I’m sorry,” she said. “I just couldn’t deal.”
“I know, Red.” I reached for her hand again. I wasn’t trying to take advantage of the situation, but every instinct I had was crying out to touch her. I didn’t know how else to comfort her. “Where do you want to take them?”
She took a deep breath and looked forward, out the windshield. “There is this park where I grew up. It’s where my dad proposed. Mom told me…” The tears started again. “Mom said it was the place where their life began.”
“Then that is where we will go.” I pulled out of the parking lot.
***
Twenty minutes later, we stood in the shade of a low hanging willow tree at the back of the park, next to a duck pond. I carried the box and set it down at Red’s feet as she looked out over the water.
I lifted one of the containers and handed it to Red. She took it gently in her hands and hugged it close to her body. “Do you want to say something?” I asked.
“What’s the point?”
I didn’t know how to answer. I wrapped an arm around her waist.
“They’re gone, Drew. They left me all alone, and I h-hate them for it. I hate them, and I hate myself for hating them.”
I grabbed her shoulders, turning her to face me. “You’re allowed to be angry. You can hate them, Red. There are no rules for grieving.”
She sobbed and I pulled her against my chest, letting her get it out. She pushed me away and turned her back to me. “You don’t get it!” she yelled. “You have David, Papa Jack, and Sean. Your mom!” she said, her eyes red rimmed and so empty. “You have a family! They were all I had, and this,” she said, holding the container out to me, “is all that is left of them.”
She sank to her knees with a sob, still clutching the container. I dropped to my knees in front of her, wishing I could take her pain away. I knew, right then, that I was in love with her. She took me by surprise. She was stubborn and such a smartass, always arguing with me and challenging me, but she made me laugh, she was fiercely loyal and kind, and she was so beautiful inside and out.
I wanted to let it out, to tell her how much I loved her and how I would spend my life making sure she felt loved, but at that moment she needed me to be her friend. She needed me to be her family. I could give that to her. I would do anything for her.
I tilted her chin up so she would look at me. “You’re not alone anymore. I’m your family, Alex, and I will be here whenever you need me. Do you understand? You’re not alone.”
She nodded as tears streamed down her beautiful face. I sat down next to her, holding her while she cried. I meant every word I said. I would be there for her
as long as she needed me.
When she was ready, we opened the containers together and spread the ashes of her parents in the beautiful little park where they had started their lives together.
***
When we got back to the dorms, I walked her to her room and waited as she unlocked the door.
“Thanks for helping me today.”
“No problem, Red.”
I leaned in and pressed my lips lightly to her forehead. I felt her exhale and I pulled back, looking down at her. We were only inches apart. She looked up at me, sucking her bottom lip into her mouth. It took every ounce of willpower I had not to press her to the wall and taste that lip for myself. I swallowed hard and took a step back.
“Like I said, I’m your family, and that’s what families do.”
She smiled at me and headed into her room, closing the door behind her.
I dropped into the seat of my car just as the sky decided to open up. The rain poured down my windshield, blurring the world outside into a smear of muted colors. I sat there, listening to the water pound against the hood of my car. All I could think about was her lips. I wanted to run back up the stairs and find out what she tasted like. I wanted to know the sound she would make when I kissed her neck, how soft the skin of her back was, what she looked like just before she fell asleep.
I’d put myself in the worst possible position. I found the one girl who I wanted more than anything else, and I could do nothing about it. I couldn’t risk messing this up. Alex needed me. If, by some miracle, she wanted anything to do with me, I would no doubt fuck it up, and then I would lose her. A lifetime as her friend sounded so much better than being the man who broke her heart.
I couldn’t be selfish. She deserved more than that. I would keep my word to her and be whatever she wanted for as long as she wanted. I just needed to figure out exactly how to do that.
Chapter 18
Alex (Now)
I hadn’t heard from Drew since he left the bar Monday night. He was a no show for trivia, and my texts went unanswered. I paced the square a few times, debating whether I should just go over there, but I told him I would need some time. He was just giving me what I asked for, but it made me more desperate to see him.
By Saturday afternoon, I was excited because the boys were playing football in the park. Drew never missed football. I slipped on a cute strapless sundress and headed to the park.
When I got there, Drew was nowhere to be seen. David and Sean were already on the field, and Millie was quietly reading her pregnancy book.
“Hey, Millie.” She looked up at me from her book and gave me an awkward smile.
“Hey, Alex. You look nice,” she said with none of her usual spirit.
Something was up.
“Still no Drew?”
She looked out to the field. “No. He’s not coming.”
I could hear the discomfort in her voice, but I pressed anyway. I was desperate for answers. “Why?”
She sighed. “It is not my place. You need to talk to Drew.”
Were they already choosing sides? “So I guess he told you what happened,” I said, unable to meet her eyes.
She looked at me with a sad smile. “He talked to David. You know how we are.” David kept nothing from Millie. They were the textbook example of the perfect couple.
“Do you think I’m a total idiot?”
Millie looked back to the field where David was running toward the makeshift goal. “Did I ever tell you how I met David?”
“Yeah, you met in college.”
She laughed. “No, the real story.”
She had my attention now. I shook my head, waiting for her to explain.
“I was engaged to someone else,” she said. My eyes widened. Holy shit! Sweet, innocent Millie broke someone’s heart. I could never imagine that.
“His name was Brayden. We were high school sweethearts, had been dating since tenth grade. We had a plan. We were gonna go away to college together, graduate together, then law school, then the wedding, and happily ever after.” She sighed. “David was in Brayden’s fraternity. They met during pledge week. David was assigned to be Brayden’s big brother. Now you have to understand, I always played it safe. Never took a single risk. I stuck to the plan. Brayden took me to the house for some date party or some other theme, it’s not important. Anyway, David was there. Things started off the usual way, Brayden in his element, me trailing behind him or fading into the background. I was incredibly shy, and Brayden was always the center of attention.”
She took a deep breath. “I was fine letting him take the lead because I never knew anything different. He made all my decisions for me. Where we went, what I wore, even where I went to college. So, eventually Brayden left me, as he always did, to do God knows what with his friends. That’s when David came over to talk to me.”
Her face spread into an incredible smile as she thought back to when they first met. “He was hands down the most gorgeous man I had ever seen. He asked me if Brayden ditched me a lot, and I nodded. He offered to get me a drink and took a seat next to me. We didn’t say anything for a long time, just sat there sipping our drinks. Girls were coming up to him left and right, asking him to dance, trying to get his attention, but David didn’t budge. After a while he shook his head as he caught a glimpse of Brayden talking to some sorority girl. I was pretending not to notice.”
I gaped at her. Millie was sweet, sure, but she was no doormat. I couldn’t believe she would let someone treat her that way.
“So, there we were, still sitting in complete silence, when he leaned in and whispered that Brayden didn’t understand how lucky he was. I was a little taken back. I didn’t know what to say. I just stared at him. David smiled at me and brushed a strand of hair from my face. I felt more in that one touch than in the three years with Brayden. I asked David if he would take me home, and he agreed. He was such a gentleman. He drove me back to the dorm and walked me to the door. Then he told me something I would never forget. He said, ‘I hope that one day I am man enough to deserve someone like you, but I can tell you that Brayden never will be.’”
I couldn’t help but cheer for David in this story.
“At first,” she continued, “I was upset. I mean, who was he to judge my relationship? But then he took my hand and squeezed it and I knew he was right. Brayden was safe, he offered me security and a direction, but not real love or even respect. David added color to my world and made me see the possibilities. I had such a revelation in that one crazy moment that I just reacted and launched myself at him. I kissed him with everything I had. He was surprised at first, but gave in quickly and kissed me back. It was a life changing kiss in more ways than one. The next day, I broke it off with Brayden and changed my major to fashion, but kept my minor in business.”
“So, David is a homewrecker who went after someone else’s girl. I didn’t know he had it in him,” I said, looking out at him on the field.
Millie laughed. “I guess you could say that, but we didn’t get together until later. My point, Alex,” she said, turning to face me, “sometimes taking the risk, or the leap of faith, whatever you want to call it, can change your life for the better. Only God knows where I would be today if I never met David that night, but my life is full, and I don’t think I could be happier. It’s all because I had the guts to go for it.”
“Millie, he knows how I feel and he hasn’t said anything. I put myself out there, I took the leap, and fell flat on my face.”
Millie just gave me a sad smile.
When the game was over, Sean and David came over to help Millie with her stuff. They each said a quick goodbye. Millie gave me a hug. “You guys will work this out.”
I wasn’t so sure, but I promised her I was going to try. They packed up Millie’s chair and the cooler and headed to the car. Sean looked back at me with an apologetic smile. I didn’t know what to do, so I just sank down to the grass.
I couldn’t focus. I felt like my whole world was falling apart
. It had been days since I’d seen or talked to Drew. The more I thought about it, the angrier I got. This wasn’t about giving me time to forgive him. Drew was avoiding me, and I was going to find out why.
Ten minutes later, I found myself standing in front of Drew’s door with no memory of exactly how I got there. I knocked. No answer. I knocked again. I heard something from behind the door.
“Drew, I know you are in there,” I said through the door. I heard the lock click and the door opened. He was barefoot and a little rumpled. I hated that my first thought was how incredible he looked with his t-shirt stretched across his broad chest and jeans hanging low on his hips. Damn it, focus! I was mad at him.
He took a step to the side to let me in. I went straight to the living room and dropped my stuff in the brown leather arm chair we bought from that estate sale last year. He didn’t say anything, not even a hello. He just stood there with his hands on his hips.
“Okay, I will start. Why are you avoiding me?”
He walked into the kitchen and grabbed a bottle of scotch off the counter. “I’m not avoiding you.” He poured himself a glass. “You needed time.”
He walked back into the living room with his glass and casually leaned against the couch. The anger I felt before quickly faded to confusion. Why was he acting so cold?
“I didn’t mean for you to disappear,” I said quietly.
He threw back the rest of his drink and set the glass on the table next to the couch. “What do you want from me, Alex?” He crossed his arms across his chest.
“I-I want things to be like they were,” I said, my voice cracking.
“It can’t be like it was. Things are…” He exhaled a long breath. “Things are different.”
Tears welled up in my eyes. This was it. He was saying it was over. I should’ve never said anything. I should’ve just dealt with it myself. I got caught up in that story Millie told me about following your heart, only to have it ripped from my chest. My biggest fear was losing him and it looked like that was exactly what was going to happen. I wish I knew what to say to make him reconsider, but I guess some people just don’t get their happy ending.
Somewhere In Between (Madison Square Book 1) Page 18
