My eyelids felt heavy as weights as I fought to open them. My body ached and felt super stiff and my mind was fuzzy. I didn't know what was going on, but my curiosity and fear began to climb, making me even more determined to open my eyes.
I felt something brush against my forehead.
"Mako?" Ryder's soft voice whispered.
"Just relax, Mako. Take your time," Kai urged, his voice sounded like he was on my right side while Ryder stood on my left.
I relaxed, allowing time to pass before trying again. It took a few more attempts before I was finally strong enough to open my eyes. The lights had been dimmed to help my vision to adjust.
Ryder and Kai had expressions of relief on their faces, my right hand in Ryder's hand and my other in Kai's. Karen stood at the end of the bed, also looking relieved to see I'd finally awoken from my slumber.
"Ryder...Kai? Karen....where am I?" I was confused, the medical room looked very different from Minato's.
I was trying to remember what had happened, but my mind felt foggy and my memories seemed to be struggling to return. I couldn't remember anything that happened after we came back from our trip down on Earthala.
"You're in Heila, love. You don't remember what happened?" Ryder asked.
I gave him a confused look, trying my hardest to remember, but still came up with a blank. "No...I can't remember anything since returning from Earthala. I'm trying...but I'm drawing a blank," I confessed.
"It must be the poison causing her amnesia," Karen suggested.
Poison...what poison?
"You were stabbed by Jeffrey, Makoto. Remember, you were supposed to go with Leonardo to his exam. You did and somehow Jeffrey was able to sneak into the exam; you couldn't defend yourself against him, due to the royalty mark. By the time Daniel and Elias got to you..." Kai trailed off, looking away.
I noticed his Adam's apple go up and down, his eyes blinking as he worked on composing himself.
"Did...I die?" I asked.
Kai wasn't the emotional type from what I'd learned about him so far, so for him to be on the verge of tears meant something truly horrible must have happened, like me dying.
"Yes," Ryder confirmed.
"Okay. But, I came back? Or is this heaven?" I asked, looking around the room.
The curtains were drawn to one side, giving me the privilege to view the room. It had the same feel as any other medical room, but looked fancier with the higher tech machinery and decor. My bed was in the corner of the room near the oversized windows that were hidden behind pink and gold curtains.
"This isn't heaven, Mako," Ryder confirmed, a soft grin on his lips.
Kai squeezed my hand, causing me to look back at the soft smile on his lips. "Yes, you're alive, Princess. Daniel and Azriel were able to stabilize you until I was able to teleport you here. Winterlya, Karen, and Kade took over and it's been two weeks since," Kai explained.
"Two weeks," I mumbled, looking at the soft blanket that laid on my legs. I noticed Nightmare was sitting on one of my legs, eyeing me carefully. I stared at her knowing something had happened in my dream, but I struggled to remember.
Hmm...I died. Then...cold. It was cold. Li… Lily? Lily was waiting for me. But I couldn't go with her. Nightmare saved me. Yes, Nightmare said I may be mad at her. Why would I be upset with her when she saved me? The gods saved me. What trial do I have to go through that would make me hate them?
I continued to stare at her mismatched eyes that looked sad, her tails beginning to glow a soft blue. She walked slowly up my legs before sitting again. Why is she...
It took me a few seconds to realize one major thing. Why didn't I feel that?
I bit my lip as I tried to move my legs, but I couldn't feel them.
"Mako?" Ryder asked cautiously.
I ignored him, trying again to move my legs, but they wouldn't budge as if some type of weight had been placed on them to keep them from moving. That would have been better than not feeling them at all. I couldn't feel the softness of the blanket laid upon me, or even wiggle my toes.
Dread began to flood me as the memories from the facility clung to my mind— the day I'd woken up after the Nephilim experiment and found out I was paralyzed. No, no, no.
"Princess, say something," Kai whispered.
"I...what's wrong with my legs?" I whispered, trying to stay calm. There must be a reason or explanation for this. Yes, it had to be some temporary malfunction with dying and I would slowly get my feeling back and be able to use my legs again. This wasn't like the facility. I would be fine.
"Mako. The poison..." Ryder began, but trailed off.
I glanced at both Ryder and Kai; both of them struggled to look in my eyes to reveal the truth. I bit my lip harder, lifting my eyes to stare directly at Karen who had a remorseful look on her face.
"Karen," I demanded, my voice hard.
She looked away for a moment as if to figure an excuse, but she sighed. "The poison had been in your body far too long. Even though EliaseAnne delayed its progress, there was just too much. Nephilim is known to cause paralysis. We've been trying to figure out how to resolve the issue, but we've yet to come up with a way to fix it. The poison affected your legs...you’re paralyzed, Makoto."
I sat there in silence at her words, the last part echoing in my mind over and over again.
You’re paralyzed, Makoto.
Paralyzed.
Unable to walk...again.
Broken.
Useless.
Discarded.
I closed my eyes for a moment, needing to confirm what my ears had just heard.
"Temporary or permanent?" I whispered.
"We don't know. If I said temporary...I could be lying. For now, until we find some way to rejuvenate the nerves and apply sensation to them, you won't be able to walk anymore, Makoto. I'm sorry," she whispered her apology as her head hung low.
I swallowed the lump in my throat as I tried to stay calm. It was as if my world had shattered once again.
This is a joke, right? Was the first time not enough? Were the times when I wanted to end it all in vain? Why do bad things continue to happen to me? Is this what the gods want from me? To continue to watch me suffer and go through these difficult tasks. For what purpose? To mock me?
"Makoto, say something," Kai whispered.
I pulled my hands out of their grasp, clenching them as I closed my eyes. I needed to be calm. There must be some way to fix this. I...I'm not paralyzed. I'm not.
"Mew."
I opened my eyes to stare at Nightmare looking so sad, her eyes watered up as she trembled.
"Mako. We'll figure it out. Don't be upset," Ryder suggested, standing up.
Kai followed his lead, standing up and walking to his side. I bet they could feel the built up anger ready to explode with one wrong word. I noticed Karen walking out the room, having her phone in her hand as she rushed out.
Figure it out. Don't be upset. I won't be able to walk again after that cycle of pain and agony. After inputting so much work to be discarded like I was trash. What is there to figure out? They'll do the same, like Blair. They'll discard me, too.
"I want to be alone," I whispered, opening my eyes. I ignored Nightmare's whines as I made my resolve. I won't go through this again. I can't.
Ryder stood frozen, glancing at Kai who looked just as distraught.
"Mako—" Ryder began.
"GET OUT!" I screamed. I watched them flinch as my power flickered out. I needed to be alone, or I couldn't do what seemed like the only way out.
I watched them leave, staring at the door and commanding it to close. It slammed shut, leaving the room in silence.
"Mew?"
I stared at my familiar. "Go away," I whispered.
She took a few steps forward, those mismatched eyes wide with fear and sadness.
"I trusted you. You're supposed to be my familiar...my guardian. Yet, here I am. Broken. You saved me back then, didn't you? You've saved me over and over again. Why w
ould you be okay with this? Why can't you fix this? Do you like seeing me suffer?" I cried, tears rolled down my cheeks. I gripped the sheets, trying over and over again to make my legs move.
I continued, trying to use the pent-up power that was boiling inside to flow into my legs, yet nothing happened.
"Work," I cried my voice nothing but a whisper.
"Work...please." I sniffed, as my body trembled and sobs escaped me.
Discard her. I have no use for a shifter who can't walk.
If her fever doesn't break by her due date, she will be no use.
I'm sorry, little fox.
Useless thing.
Finally, she deserves to die.
Maybe he'll find another favorite.
No one likes broken things.
You can't fix her. She deserves to be in the trash, where she belongs.
I held back the scream that wanted to escape me as I closed my eyes, my hands covering my ears. "No. I'm not trash. I can beat this. I can...I have before, right? Just a few sessions...just a few exercises and I'll be good as new," I whispered to myself as I hyperventilated.
You’re paralyzed Makoto. I'm sorry.
I opened my eyes, the same sentence repeated over and over again in my mind. I felt like the world was spinning as the tears continued to trail down my cheeks and reality finally sunk in.
No one likes broken things. I'm broken. I deserve to be in the trash. That's where I belong. That's what the Owner said. Why am I living? If he didn't want me...my knights won't want me. Mother and Father wouldn’t want a defective daughter. My brothers wouldn't want a broken sister. I'm unrepairable. I'm useless...to everyone. They'll discard me too. It's only a matter of time. If I don't meet the deadline, they'll get rid of me. Why give them the chance? Yes...I won't give them a chance. I'll end it all here in the comfort of my bed...no one needs to know...they won't care. Death is better than going through this and disappointing them all. Lily...Lily wouldn't mind. If I go to the warm place...she'll be waiting for me. Yes. I'll meet Lily, who has always accepted me. Yes...
I stared at my hand, concentrating on what I needed. I watched as the blade began to materialize.
"Faster....faster," I panted, sweat began to form on my forehead as the room began to spin. I wouldn't give them the chance to save me. Just a big cut will be enough.
"MEW!"
I glared up at Nightmare.
"SILENCE," I hissed, magic flowing directly at her and knocking her off the bed. I heard her whimper as she hit the floor. Regret hit me immediately, but I shook my head.
"No, don't get distracted. You can do this. She's fine. She's a god. She doesn't care about me either. No one cares. Yes. Just Lily. She'll see me at the gate. She'll love me. The broken fucked-up me." I sobbed, staring at my trembling hand that now held the knife I needed.
I was ready to do the final blow, taking a few steady breaths to help me concentrate on my vision.
I noticed the beautiful knight marking, lifting it up to look at the lines of color one more time. I stared at the remaining line that was black, remembering the beautiful glowing red I'd seen in the Space in Between.
"I'm sorry. You're waiting for me somewhere, right? I'm sorry...I'm not strong enough to face this. I can't go through the rejection again. Not from Ryder who's loved me since the beginning. Or Daniel who loves me, but is scared of his past. Or Marcus who has a story to tell me. Or Elias...oh I'll miss his amazing blueberry pancakes. Eli...I wish we'd get to date and I could show you that I do love you just as much as Midnight. Kai...my artist and chocolate milk lover. My sixth star knight, wherever you are...forgive me," I whispered. I closed my eyes, taking one final breath as I raised the blade, trying to keep my trembling wrist still.
Before I could jam the blade through my wrist, the door slammed open. A second passed and someone held my wrist.
"Princess. Stop!"
I blinked, a wave of frustration and fear rushed through me. No, I have to finish now. I have to. No, no, no, no!
"No! Let go, I have to do this. I'm broken! I won't let you reject me!" I fought his strong grip, panting as I tried to use the remaining magic in me to flick him away. I could hear more footsteps.
NO, NO, NO, NO!
"Princess, stop!" Kai yelled.
"Let go!" I yelled back, tears streaming down my face. They don't understand. No one understands how hard it was. How I felt then. I couldn't survive hearing those words again from the men I loved. The men who've been my light and help me love the world. If they discarded me too, there would be no point in living.
"We'll make it right, Princess. Stop," Kai stressed, pulling my wrist in front of me.
I tried to fight Kai's hold, my arm vibrated from the resistance, but I was losing the battle— the weapon in my hand faded as my last specks of magic dulled.
"You know NOTHING! It won't be right! You don't know how it feels! You're clueless! ALL of you! The gods said I'd be fine! Why am I broken? You promised! You all promised!" I screamed.
The gods said I should believe. That we as shifters should trust in them. But here I am, crippled. How can I be a princess if I can't walk? How can I save and reunite the realms when I am broken?
"Makoto!" Kai yelled.
I glared at him, biting my lip so hard it began to bleed. I tried to build more magic within me, enough to hurt him. But when my eyes met his amber ones that begun to water with tears, I hesitated.
I couldn't hurt Kai. He'd never hurt me. He'd genuinely loved me from the moment we met. I couldn't do it. I knew if I told him how I felt, he'd understand. He'd listen. Something deep within told me he wouldn't abandon me.
"I'm broken, Kai...I don't function properly anymore. I'm...I'm...are you going to get rid of me?" I whispered.
Kai cursed, pulling me into his arms. His warmth helped the coldness that plagued my heart. I tensed up, waiting for his response.
"Listen to me. You aren't broken! You are still our Princess, our Makoto. We'll work on it. I'll go across all the realms if I have to! Please, Mako...don't give up. Please. I need you...we all do." Kai's voice cracked.
I let my arms wrap around him. I made Kai cry. I hurt Nightmare. I'm such a horrible person. I couldn't hold back anymore, my agony and frustration needing an outlet.
So I cried. I cried and cried, not caring how loud my sobs and wails were. I felt so hopeless and didn't know how to get out. I couldn't afford to lose my knights, yet the idea of ending it all felt like the only solution.
Why after a few seconds and Kai's words did I regret everything? I regret giving up, hurting my familiar who'd stayed by me through the good and bad, and now I was making my star knights sad. Why did it feel okay to push everyone away?
Kai continued to console me, lifting my body into his lap and letting me cry and cry. I felt a hand gently rub my back, causing me to open my eyes to meet a pair of turquoise eyes— the same exact color as mine.
I knew those eyes that were filled with tears and her long locks that hugged her face. Her rosy cheeks were flushed while her pink heart-shaped lips trembled.
"It's okay, my sunshine. We’ll fix this. No one will leave you. We love you," she whispered, her angelic voice was the same as back then.
"Mommy?" I whispered.
Her tears fell as she nodded. "It's okay, Rosalina. We will never stop loving you. We’ll work on this together, okay?" she reassured me, her hand wiping away the tears that continued to flow down my cheeks.
I reached out to hug her, her body embraced mine as I began to sob harder. "Mommy," I cried over and over again. I didn't think this would be the way I would reunite with my mother, but to have her hug me while I wailed, made the pain in my cold heart lessen.
I cried until I had no more tears, the darkness already beginning to claw at my mind and take me away. I didn't have any more resolve left to fight it, my mind falling into the dark abyss.
~KAI~
"Mako!"
The Queen and I caught her in our arms. Kade rushed into th
e room, immediately coming to our side. He lifted Makoto off my lap, allowing me to shuffle off the bed before he laid her down on the soft cushions.
He didn't ask questions, rolling up his white dress shirt sleeve before his markings emitted a strong gold light. He allowed his hand to roam from her head to her toes and back up till he stopped at her chest. He gently laid his hand on her chest, his eyes lingered on the royalty mark before he looked at Mako's pale face.
"She needs a magic infusion. She barely has any left," Kade ordered.
Kade continued to look down at Makoto, brushing away a lingering tear that began to roll down the side of her face.
"Sis, we'd never abandon you," he whispered, placing a soft kiss on her forehead.
"Mew."
We turned our attention to Nightmare who limped to where the Queen was standing.
"Oh no. Nightmare, are you hurt?" the Queen asked.
Nightmare fluffed her fur, standing on her two back legs which seemed to be okay, aiming for the edge of the bed.
"You want to be on the bed?" I asked.
"Mew," she replied.
The Queen knelt down and picked her up, placing her on the bed next to Makoto's legs. She limped to Makoto's side, snuggling in her favorite spot— her tails flowing a dark blue and alternated to a bright gold.
"Nightmare," I whispered, noticing the healing magic that leaked off her and was flowing into Makoto.
"Even though Makoto accidentally hurt her, she still wants to help," the Queen whispered.
"Makoto dealt with this before," Kade announced.
"What?" I exclaimed.
Kade sighed, the light that surrounded his arm dimmed, till the glow vanished. I noticed his exhaustion, but it was gone just as fast, a serious expression replaced it as he pulled down his sleeve.
"Her file from the facility. I've read the entire thing twice. Daniel is aware, but didn't know when the best time to inform all of you at once was, and without using the knight bond as a form of telling you the seriousness of what was written," Kade began. He glanced at his mother giving her a smile.
Poisonous Dream (The Starlight Gods Series Book 5) Page 6
