“Stay with me, okay Jay?” My voice wavered as a distant sound registered above the crashing waves.
“They're here!” Nora screeched. “They're here! What do we do!”
“Meet them at the top of the hill,” I screamed. “Bring them down here!”
Nodding, the girls sprinted up the hill and disappeared.
While I continued to pump.
“Anything?” I asked Veronica before moving her head aside to blow into his mouth.
“No,” she croaked. I could tell she was on the verge of breaking down and I didn't have the time to spare if she did.
“Carter! Help?”
Snapping out of his trance, he nodded.
“Babe,” he whispered, taking Veronica's shoulders in his hands. “Move over. I've got it.”
With Carter watching for signs of life, Veronica falling to pieces in the sand, and the EMTs making their way down the hill, I finally cracked.
“Don't do this, Jay! Do not fucking do this to me!”
I pushed harder, cursing his lungs, damning his luck.
“Please! Just breathe!”
Someone grabbed me around the arm and I jerked away, barely registering their interruption.
“Ma'am, we can take over from here.”
“No!” I didn't want to move, I didn't want Jay's fate to rest in the hands of someone who didn't even know him, didn't even love him.
“Ma'am, please!”
I shook my head, sending tears and lake water in all directions.
Before I knew what was happening, two pairs of strong hands grabbed me under the arms and lifted me away from Jay.
“No! No, please! I can't leave him! Jay!” I screamed until it felt like there was blood pooling in my throat. I screamed and screamed, and no one listened. “Jay! Jay, please! No! Let go of me! I have to go to him! I have to help him! Please!”
“Ma'am!”
My head whipped back as someone grabbed and shook me violently.
“You have to let us do our jobs!”
I looked through watery eyes to find a plain-faced, middle aged man with dark warm eyes. His lips were pulled down in a grim frown. His stern centered me and I attempted to get a hold of myself.
Their jobs... Their job is to save him.
They can save him.
“Okay,” I squeaked, turning my face back to Jay.
They had him stabilised on a gurney and were in the process of hiking up the hill.
I turned back to face the man.
“I'm going with him,” I said with every ounce of conviction I had in my bones.
He shook his head, but released his hold on me.
Not sparing a second, I darted up the hill, wiping at my eyes as I caught up with the gurney. Ignoring the men around him, I took Jay's hand in mine. When they loaded him into the back of the ambulance, I propped a foot against the bumper and jumped inside.
“Whoa! Ma'am? You can't ride with-”
“Like hell I can't!”
***
It wasn't until I was under the harsh fluorescent lights of the hospital that I noticed the blood.
It was everywhere. My hands, my arms, my chest, my face, caked underneath my fingernails. The sight of the stark crimson color hit me in the gut, threatening to take me down. For a split second, I let myself wonder whose blood it was.
Don't be ridiculous.
You know exactly whose blood it is...
I was forced to sit in the waiting room- cold, wet, and miserable. Patients, family members, and hospital staff all walked past me, oblivious to the pain that was crushing me from the inside out. Wave after wave stole my breath and I had to force my lungs to cooperate. I had to wrangle the pain into submission. Because if I sunk below the surface again, if I let it overtake me, that would be the end of it.
I knew in my heart - in my borrowed heart - that I'd watch Jay walk through those hospital doors. I'd be able to buckle him into the passenger seat of my car and take him home. I'd be able to touch him, hold him, baby him- even if he brushed off my concern. I knew he wouldn't like me going all 'mother hen' on him, but I was going to grab him the second I laid eyes on him and never let him go.
Someone had given me a second chance.
I knew Jay would get the same.
Why?
Because he deserved it.
Hours passed and every time a doctor or nurse swung through the door, I perked up, waiting for a report. But disappointment set in deeper every time another person's name was called, and I fought the urge to go running back in search of Jay.
Still dressed in shorts and a tank top over my swimsuit, I shivered against the cold hospital air. No matter how hard I rubbed at my arms, I couldn't get the goosebumps to disappear. I couldn't stop my teeth from chattering- although I partly blamed that on the adrenaline that hadn't left my system.
But as cold and uncomfortable as I was on the outside, nothing compared to the pain I was feeling on the inside.
Saying “steady” wasn't doing the trick.
Taking deep, calming breaths wasn't cutting it either.
My heart was a Rubik's Cube and someone had their hands in my chest, twisting it, moving it around chamber by chamber, trying to solve the puzzle.
“Ma'am?”
Lost in my thoughts, I jumped when someone touched my shoulder.
I looked up to find a nurse with kind brown eyes and a comforting smile looking down at me.
I exploded out of my chair.
“Is he okay? Is he awake? What's going on?”
The woman shook her head slowly.
“I don't know who you're waiting for, sweetie.”
Quickly deflating, I slumped back into my chair and droplets of tears bumped out of my eyes on impact.
“You must be freezing.”
I tilted my chin up to face her again and took note of the worry straining her lips as she gestured to my outfit.
“C'mon. Let's find you something to change into while you wait.”
She laid one hand on my shoulder, gesturing down the hall with the other.
But I didn't want to leave. If I left, I just knew I'd miss the doctor coming out to talk to me. As if sensing my reluctance to leave, the nurse took me by the hand and pulled me toward the counter.
“What's your name, sweetie?”
“Bree.”
She turned a bright smile to the receptionist. “This is Bree, she's waiting for...”
“Jay. Um, Jason Bryson,” I said quickly.
“If there's any news on Mr. Bryson, could you page me, please?”
The receptionist looked from me to her, nodding sadly.
“Thanks.”
I was led down a cold, quiet hall and into what looked like a storage room.
“I'm gonna go out on a limb here and say you don't want to wander around in a hospital gown, sooo...” She pushed up on her tippy-toes and retrieved a pair of green scrubs off the top shelf. “These should work.”
I nodded, tears of gratitude stinging at the back of my eyes.
“Oh, and these.” She handed me a thick pair of socks.
It was only then that I looked down and took in my muddy bare feet.
Choking back a sob, I held the garments to my chest as I lowered my eyes to read her ID tag.
Jessica - RRT
“Thank you, Jessica,” I whimpered. I was getting dangerously close to cracking.
She smiled. “You're very welcome, Bree.”
As I exited the bathroom after changing and scrubbing the blood, sand, and tears from my skin, I was met with a crushing hug.
“There you are!” Ellen screamed in my ear. “I've been worried sick. They won't tell me anything, they won't let me go back there,” her voice cracked as she pulled me away and looked in my eyes. “What happened?”
I opened my mouth to answer, but instead of words, nothing came out but a strangled sob.
Thankfully, Ellen took me in her arms and cried with me.
We cried together,
there in the empty hospital hallway. We shook in each others arms. I didn't have the strength to comfort her, nor she me.
So, we stayed that way. Until a voice shocked us apart.
“Ms. Bryson?”
We both turned, a hopeful light sparking in our eyes.
That light was quickly extinguished with one look at the doctor's face.
“Your son sustained a number of injuries after falling from-”
“Where is he?” She barked.
“Ma'am, we were able to-”
“Where is my son?!”
Ellen's voice echoed through the hallway and I held my breath. My heart stood still.
After a long sigh, the doctor removed his surgical cap and wrung it in his hands.
“Where is he?” She pleaded, quieter, more reserved.
The doctor locked his forlorn eyes on the person who brought the man I loved into the world and opened his mouth. As he spoke, Ellen's knees buckled and she crumpled in my arms.
“I'm so sorry, Ms. Bryson... we lost him.”
Chapter Seventeen
Hours earlier, Jay had told me that my heart was his flower, and his love was my sun. It felt like a millennia had passed since that blissful moment. So, it seemed fitting that as I exited the hospital, my heart, the flower inside my chest, began withering away. Deprived of sunlight, my petals fell to the ground, one after another, with every step I took.
Step.
A soft petal of hope. Gone.
Step.
A petal of happiness. Gone.
Step.
A petal of faith. Gone
Step.
A petal of promise... Gone.
I watched them drift away, one by one, until there was nothing left but a withered stem, and roots that had nothing to hold onto.
***
I stepped through the door of my apartment, shocked, shaken... broken. I was broken and there was no fixing me. The girls were all gathered on the couch together. An empty tissue box sat in the middle of the table, surrounded by crumpled piles of soaked up tears.
“Bree.”
Standing like a statue at the base of the stairs, I moved my neck to slowly seek out whoever called my name.
Veronica...
She waved me over to the couch. What did she want? Did she want me to sit with her and cry? I couldn't. I couldn't operate. I could barely breathe.
Shaking my head, I took the stairs one at a time, holding onto the railing for dear life. I knew at any given moment, the earth could tremble and send me flying backward. But I was already spinning head over ass, waiting for the impact.
I opened the door to my room. Eyes wide. Mouth dry. Joints stiff. On autopilot.
Standing in the doorway, I looked around my empty room. I looked at the bed where Jay had scooted up behind me and laid his hand over my heart until I fell asleep. I looked at the desk chair where he'd sat and told me all about what he was going to do after he finished his degree. I looked at the carpet, where we'd had a tickle war that lasted close to an hour.
Everywhere I looked, Jay was there.
But the memories were muddy. Out of focus.
Because mixed in with those, were also images of Jake.
“I'm sorry.”
Those two whispered words jerked me out of my robotic state and I slowly turned around.
“Speak of the devil.”
“And he shall appear.” Jake tried to lift up his lips in a half smile but failed.
When my bottom lip started shaking, I knew the end was near. I knew reality was about to punch me in the throat. I had to open my eyes. I had to soak it in. I had to feel every ounce of pain my body and mind were fighting against.
“This is my fault, isn't it?” My voice broke as I nodded. “This is what you warned me about. Every action has a reaction... every breath you take, every word you speak, everything you do affects someone else.”
Jake shook his head. “This isn't your fault.”
“Yes, it is,” I insisted. “I did this. It's why you're here, isn't it?”
I didn't have to elaborate. Jake knew what I was asking.
But he wasn't answering.
“Don't screw with me, Jake. Not now. Is this why you're here?”
Jake's head fell forward. He refused to look at me, refused to make eye contact as he took me down.
“Yes.”
I threw both hands over my chest, clawing at the pain trying to eat its way out of my heart.
“You came back to take him.”
Jake took a step forward, and I took one back.
“I'm sorry, Bree.”
He took another step, as did I, which put me with my back pressed against the wall. Nowhere to go. Nowhere to run.
As I came completely apart, he grabbed my face, and I could feel him. I could feel his touch.
I shivered and closed my eyes, letting the feeling sink into my bones.
“I have to go.” His voice hitched and my eyes sprung open, releasing a flood of tears. “I have to, Bree... He needs me.”
“I'm so sorry,” I sobbed as I slid down the wall and landed in a heap on the floor. “I wanna go back... I wanna change it.”
“I know.”
“God, I'm so sorry.” My words started to jumble together. “I want him to stay.” I wasn't making sense. I knew I wasn't. But I didn't care. “Why can't he stay? Why can't you stay? I can't. I can't-”
“Because that's just the way it is, beautiful.”
Jake crouched down to the floor, looking me square in the eyes.
“You- you said you loved me,” I whispered.
He nodded. “I did say that, yes.”
“You said you loved me, and you knew.”
The burning pain in my chest, my head, my everything- it was too much to bear. I couldn't take it. I just wanted to sag against the man standing before me. I wanted him to hold me, comfort me, hug me and tell me everything was going to be okay.
But he couldn't. And it wasn't.
“I do love you, Bree.” Even with my eyes closed, I knew he was retreating. He was moving away. Heat replaced the cool air that always followed his presence and I cried harder than I'd ever cried before. “I love you, but I love my brother more.”
By the time I was finally able to open my eyes, Jake was gone.
***
Hours later, I awoke to Carter picking me up off the floor and moving me to the bed. I didn't move a muscle. I barely opened my eyes. I just let him move me around like a rag doll as he positioned me in bed and pulled the covers over my body.
The light from the hallway spilled into my room and I blinked up to find Veronica's silhouetted form in the doorway. She held something in her hands and as she approached my desk, my stomach cramped as I watched her set it down and move away.
Jay's camping bag.
“He's gone.” My voice was strained, tired, hollow.
Veronica nodded quickly, fighting against her own emotions.
“Yeah,” she said, voice breaking. “He's gone.”
Carter took hold of her hand and led her out of the room.
“If you need us, we'll be downstairs.” He pulled the door closed behind him and the sound of the latch engaging echoed through the room.
I was alone.
I was alone and I didn't want to sleep. I didn't want to dream of that perfect world where Jay still breathed and Jake's heart beat within his chest instead of mine. That was a world I could never have, and I didn't want to spend hours of sleep getting even more attached – and more broken - than I'd already become.
So, I grabbed Jay's bag off the desk and pulled it onto my lap. I needed him close, but since I would never have that again, I settled for something he'd held.
The sound of the zipper opening was like nails on a chalkboard and I cringed, closing my eyes as the bag fell open. Taking a deep breath, I reached out blindly, turned on my bedside lamp, and clamped my eyes closed even tighter as light flooded the room.
Several minutes passe
d and I sat there, eyes closed, preparing myself for the emotional slaughter I was about to deliberately jump into. I wanted to prolong the pain, to make it more intense so I could feel it even more, feel it radiate through me again and again. Why? Because at that moment, I had nothing other to be than a stupid, masochistic little girl.
Peeking through my lashes, the sight of Jay's favorite MSU shirt awaited me. I grabbed the soft material and brought it to my face, burying my nose in the fabric. It still smelled like him – like his soap, his cologne, and his distinct 'Jay' smell. It overwhelmed me. The scent of him flew straight in my nostrils and straight down to my heart where it sat, quiet and thoughtful.
“What did I do?” My voice shook quietly.
Inside the bag was everything Jay had taken with him to the lake – mostly clothes and toiletries. I dug through the contents, stopping to inspect each item. I rubbed his shirts against my cheek, ran my fingers along the buttons on his jeans, felt the smooth corners of his bottle of cologne. After worshipping every item, I sat it beside me on the bed.
Finally, the bag was empty.
I took the sad vinyl in my hands and folded it so it would stay flat. No idea why. I just needed to busy my hands. But as I brought the sides down and tried to fold it in half, my hands smoothed across a lump in the fabric.
Angry that such a simple task wasn't going my way, I knitted my eyebrows together and opened the bag. After feeling around for a second, I found a small zippered compartment sewn into the inside. Opening the pocket, I dipped my hands inside and retrieved a small red box. With my name on it.
Seeing Jay's blocky handwriting set my hands to shaking.
I couldn't breathe.
My chest heaved, but I couldn't get air.
My heart was collapsing in on itself.
My entire world was imploding.
So, naturally, I took that one extra step over the edge and opened the box.
“No!” The strangled cry rang out across my quiet room and at that moment, when I emptied the contents out onto my bed, I wanted something I'd never wanted before.
I wanted to die.
A note and... something else. I couldn't even begin to process the other object. Read Me the outside of the page read. As if Jay himself were guiding my hands, I unfolded the lined page of notebook paper and flattened it in my lap.
Steady Page 14
