by Primula Bond
My tears don’t last long. They’re like a child’s tears, really, quick and hot, furious and draining. As they dry I realise I don’t want to move away. I can’t. She’s so still, so warm, so patient as she waits. No wonder her vocation is making people feel better.
‘I don’t even know why I’m crying. I’m cross, not sad,’ I sniff after a few minutes, murmuring into her hair. ‘Maybe it’s because I haven’t slept much.’
Nurse Jeannie takes my face in her hands.
‘Because you were having the time of your life?’
I nod, refusing to meet her gaze. What does it matter? I’m about to quit. The rules no longer apply.
‘Pierre. Mr Levi. He came to my place last night.’ I pause, waiting for a reaction that doesn’t come. ‘You’re not surprised?’
She turns to draw the bolt across the door then pulls me behind the shelving to sit on some packing cases.
‘He put it far more eloquently than that, Rosa, but yes. He rang this morning. I make it my business to winkle these things out of my clients, even if they are outpatients. Especially when they’re outpatients. Technically I should rap you both over the knuckles.’ She sighs, ruffling her short hair. ‘On the other hand, since he’s to all intents and purposes checked out now the rules don’t really apply. Frankly this affair has been brewing for so long it’s almost a relief. Not to mention a tonic for him. And great for his recovery!’
‘Is that how you all see me? Just part of his rehabilitation?’
‘Oh, Rosa, don’t be so silly. I’m a nurse. Remember? That’s the kind of language I speak when I’m working, but no, that’s not what I meant.’ Nurse Jeannie pushes a strand of hair behind my ear. ‘You two have a special connection. It’s obvious to everyone. So special in fact that even Dr Venska gave up treating him. Although she would do well to learn from your technique!’
I go bright red. ‘Er, what do you mean?’
Nurse Jeannie points to the little CCTV camera fixed to the ceiling, presumably to spot if anyone is helping themselves to illicit drugs.
‘Those cameras are my eyes and ears, Rosa. My surveillance. They’re not in individual rooms for reasons of privacy, but they still tell us exactly who goes in and out and how long they stay in there. And each time you emerge from his room there’s a spring in your step and Mr Levi seems fitter and stronger.’ Jeannie takes my hands. ‘There’s a sparkle in those big brown eyes of yours that wasn’t there before.’
‘We had such a lovely evening. He came to the club, he heard me singing. We kissed. It was like an explosion! And then he came home with me. We talked. We kissed some more and then we, you know. God, it was fantastic! He was gentle. We laughed. He was rough. We stopped laughing. We, oh, God, he’s so gorgeous, Jeannie.’
‘So why the tears?’
‘He just walked off the boat this morning and he hasn’t come back. No call. No text. Either he’s fucking rude or he’s had some kind of accident!’
‘Fallen in the river, you mean? No. You’ve got the wrong end of the stick. I’m sure deep down he feels the same way about you, Rosa.’ Jeannie runs a finger under my eyes and holds it up, showing the gleam of tears. ‘Who could blame him?’
I stare at her finger. Remember when Pierre did that, licked my tears off his finger.
‘What’s going on?’
Nurse Jeannie’s lively blue eyes are sombre. She bites her lip then leans forward and kisses me, leaving a damp patch on the corner of my mouth. When I don’t respond she leaps up, kicking the chair away.
She keeps her back turned but she doesn’t make any move towards the door.
‘I’m sorry, Rosa,’ she mutters, fiddling with the keys in a bunch around her waist. ‘I shouldn’t have done that. You’re so infuriating. So cute, so impatient. So fucking irresistible, and you don’t even know it. There. I’ve blown it, haven’t I? You’re shocked. You came to me looking for comfort and I –’
‘– you are making me feel so much better, Jeannie.’ I reach out and take her hand. ‘But I just need some answers.’
She turns round, scuffing her feet against the floor. She looks like a chastised schoolgirl.
‘I adore you,’ she laughs softly, bending to run her fingers through my hair. ‘But I shouldn’t let it get this far. What’s the point of being the guardian of standards when I’ve broken my own cardinal rule?’
I pull away. ‘Well, it doesn’t matter anyway. Because I’m handing in my notice.’
‘Oh, God, Rosa. Have I really offended you? If so, I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have, we’ll wind back, you’re one of my best, we’ll forget this ever happened.’
‘It’s not because of you, Nurse Jeannie. You’d be the one reason I’d stay.’
She straightens and puts her hands in her pockets.
‘I’m confused now, Rosa. Why would you quit?’
‘I’ve been offered a job in Italy. My old job, in fact.’
A trolley rattles past the door, a phone rings in the distance. I look at the floor.
‘And you’re going to take it. You’re really going?’ Nurse Jeannie’s eyes are filling with tears. ‘Can’t I persuade you to stay?’
I shake my head, still not meeting her eyes.
‘It’s what I was born to do. I’ve said yes to Antonio.’
‘Antonio? You have another boyfriend?’
‘No! Antonio’s my old mentor in Rome. Sponsor, scary uncle, all rolled into one. He discovered me and hired me to sing in his jazz bar. I don’t know how long I have to work out my notice here, but I’m leaving London as soon as I can.’
‘In that case there’s no more to be said.’ Nurse Jeannie jerks away and walks to the door. I reach out and take her arm.
‘Wait. You said Pierre rang here this morning?’
‘Did I?’ She shakes me off. ‘Well, if he did it was in confidence –’
‘Oh, please don’t be pissed with me, Jeannie. I have to know. He didn’t ring just to tell you we’d slept together, did he?’ I stand up. ‘Was it something to do with getting a passport?’
She unbolts the door with a rasp. ‘Actually, yes it was. And he needed some medical certificates for travelling. But you should be speaking to him about this.’
‘I would if he hadn’t done a runner.’
She pushes her way out of the storeroom.
‘He hasn’t done a runner, Rosa. Well, not as such.’
I follow her down the corridor, but she’s walking too quickly.
‘He’s gone back to LA, hasn’t he?’
‘Oh, no. I would never have authorised that. He’s not fit enough to make that kind of transatlantic flight!’
‘So where is he going?’ I lift my hands to slow her down. Think better of it. ‘And why didn’t he just tell me face to face, like a normal person?’
Nurse Jeannie stops by the nurses’ station.
‘Sometimes facing the person is just too – it’s too difficult to look someone in the eye and tell them you love them but you’re leaving them. He, oh, God, Rosa, you really need to talk to him about this –’
‘I can’t! I don’t know where he is!’ I take hold of her narrow shoulders. ‘If you don’t tell me what Pierre said to you this morning, where he is now, where he’s going, I’ll tell everyone what happened when you came to my houseboat.’
Her mouth drops open. ‘You wouldn’t do that.’
She’s right, and I feel awful, but I’ve got to get this information out of her somehow. I take a breath, put my cheek against hers to whisper in her ear.
‘I’ll count to ten if I have to. What did he say?’
‘He told me the intensity of what happened between you last night made him realise he had to let you go before you both got entangled. His word. “Entangled”.’ She glances up the corridor. There are voices round the corner. ‘He said he couldn’t let you be saddled with an invalid.’
‘Saddled? Invalid? But he’s getting better all the time! What the hell is he talking about?’
‘Y
ou’re so young, Rosa. He’s terrified he may never be fully fit again. In the future. That he may not be fully functional –’
I start walking away, further up the corridor towards the exit, then spin round.
‘Oh, he’s fully functional all right! Better than that. He was absolute dynamite!’
‘Hush, Rosa. For God’s sake!’
‘It’s not just his body I’m after. Doesn’t the stupid moron understand that? I’m in love with him!’ I fall back against the wall as it all dawns on me. ‘He thinks he saw something in my face, a glimmer of worry, doesn’t he? And yes, there was a second when I looked at him, at his poor leg – Christ! I don’t know what’s worse. Him dumping me or thinking I can’t cope.’
‘Do you remember what I told you about him when you first came here?’
I nod. ‘That most physical injuries, the outward signs, can be fixed with time. It’s the internal, invisible destruction that’s harder to heal.’
‘Exactly.’ Nurse Jeannie comes towards me. ‘He is still fragile in many ways, Rosa.’
‘I thought he had more faith.’ I close my eyes. ‘But I’ve lost him.’
‘I’m disappointed in you, Rosa. Both of you, actually. This looks like defeatism to me. But not to him. Mr Levi sees removing himself as taking control. Letting you walk away with your head held high. Pierre Levi obviously thinks the world of you. So much that he’ll set you free.’
‘Don’t make me feel sorry for him.’ I take my phone out of my pocket, start to punch out his number. ‘I’m not the one giving up.’
Footsteps are approaching from the far end of the corridor.
‘It will all become clear, Rosa. Trust me.’ She takes my arm and pulls me into an empty bedroom. ‘Do you trust me?’
‘Where is he?’
The bedroom is dark, the curtains pulled across the garden window. The furniture is a series of shadows against the dull light.
‘I’m breaking yet another rule, but he asked me to book him into our sister clinic. It’s a spa where we send clients for further recuperation if they request it. It’s based around a thermal spring.’
There’s another long pause. The curtains billow behind me, casting flickering light, almost like people moving across the room.
‘And you won’t tell me where it is?’
Her bleeper goes again. She glances at it, at me.
‘I will if you do something for me in return.’
I turn to the window. Look out at the cloudy sky. At the spreading beech tree and the bench on the patio, just outside.
‘This is his old room!’
‘Listen to me, Rosa. At this stage it could set him back, it could spoil this amazing progress, if this control is wrenched from him. So I’m asking you not to say anything about this job in Rome.’ Nurse Jeannie comes to stand beside me. We look out at the quiet garden, at the leaves on the waving branches growing brown at the edges. ‘Are you a hundred per cent certain that it’s the right step?’
‘Singing is my dream. Sorry, Jeannie, but working here, wiping sorry asses as Pierre puts it – well, it just isn’t me.’
The memories of this brief summer jostle in the room. The bed, hidden in the shadows before gradually being pulled into the bright sunlight. The pale, immobile patient finding strength, getting out into the garden, tanning his skin golden. Wheelchair, crutches, stick. The talking. The stories. Nowhere near 1001, alas.
Stroking him, touching him. Taking him into my mouth. Last night –
‘In that case I’m ordering you not to tell Mr Levi about it. Not yet.’
The door of room 202 is pushed wide, and a figure is standing there, one hand on the lintel, the other on his walking stick.
‘Don’t tell me what?’
Nurse Jeannie and I spin round like a couple of burglars.
‘Well, you’ve caught me bang to rights, Mr Levi. I’ve gone against your wishes and told her your plans,’ Nurse Jeannie replies smartly, giving me a nudge with her elbow. ‘I’ve told our Rosa you’re planning to run away.’
I catch at her as she starts to walk towards him. ‘Don’t leave me here, Jeannie!’
She pulls away. ‘I could say the same thing to you, Rosa.’
‘I don’t know what the pair of you have been plotting, but I’m tempted to report you, Nurse Jeannie. I told you, in confidence, that I wanted to get out of London. And I specifically told you why.’
‘And of course you have every right to report me for breach of patient confidentiality, Mr Levi.’ Nurse Jeannie stops beside him. She looks so calm, so unruffled, that I want to rush over and hug her. ‘But if it comes to a tribunal I will argue that I took a professional decision based on your mental well-being.’
Pierre runs his hand through his black hair so that it stands on end.
‘If I wasn’t so knackered, and in such a hurry, I’d ask you to explain that mumbo-jumbo, Matron. But as we’re all here, why don’t you break just one more confidence and tell me where Rosa thinks she’s going?’
‘Why would you care?’ I grip the back of the visitor’s chair, wishing I could just open the garden door and rush out into the fresh air. ‘You’ve made it very plain you want to put as much distance between us as possible.’
‘That’s not what I said. At least, not the way I said it.’ Pierre shifts onto his stronger leg. He’s still wearing his dinner jacket, the white shirt crumpled and unbuttoned, his black bristles carving his face into sharp lines, accentuating his full, sardonic lips. ‘In fact, being apart is the opposite of what I want. I just feel it’s, I just know it’s for the best. I’m not what you want, Rosie. I’m not what you need –’
I thump my fists on the hard leather chair. ‘You haven’t a clue what’s best for me! You haven’t a clue what I’m feeling right now!’
‘In your heart? Or in your head?’ He takes a step closer to me. ‘So come on, Rosie. The truth! Where are you going?’
‘Ah. That’s easy. I’m sending Rosa with you. To the Aura Spa.’
I stare at Nurse Jeannie, shake my head frantically. ‘I can’t, Jeannie. You know I can’t –’
‘Just for two weeks, Rosa. I reckon that’s all it will take to work this out.’
‘Did you not listen to a word I said this morning, Matron?’ Pierre growls. ‘What are you playing at?’
‘I am not playing at anything, I assure you.’ Nurse Jeannie looks up at him. The top of her head barely reaches his shoulder, but it’s like David squaring up to Goliath. ‘Someone has to knock your heads together.’
Pierre gapes at me. ‘Is she matchmaking, do you think?’
‘I’m your nurse, Mr Levi, not a dating site. And though I know you’re determined to travel today I have concerns, not least the fact that your temperature was slightly elevated at your check-up this morning.’
‘It’s not surprising, after the night I’ve had –’
He glances across at me but I look out at the garden. My head is whirling. Pierre Levi’s tough action plan is being turned upside down by a pint-sized medic who a few minutes ago was begging me not to leave.
‘Please be serious, Mr Levi. There’s also your blood pressure. By your own admission you’re not as fit as you’d like to be.’ Nurse Jeannie folds her arms. ‘Which is why I won’t authorise your admittance to the spa, or anywhere else for that matter, unless Rosa accompanies you.’
I glare at her. ‘Can’t someone else go with him?’
Her bleeper goes off yet again. I’m willing to bet that she set it off on purpose.
‘A male nurse will travel with you, just to keep an eye, but after that you’re on your own.’ She presses a button to acknowledge the message received. ‘As you know I would give anything to keep you here, Rosa. I’ve made no secret of my feelings in all this. I can’t sort my head out when you’re around me. So you’re going to the Aura Spa, with Mr Levi.’
Pierre and I both move, both speak at the same time, so that we’re next to each other, opening our mouths to object in unison
.
Nurse Jeannie puts her hands up to silence us.
‘Go as his lover, as his carer. Whatever. Just, for once, do as you’re told.’
CHAPTER ELEVEN
The water slips over my skin like silk. I dive further down, run my hand over a rock decorated with tiny pink shells, my fingers white fronds of seaweed wavering in the strands of sunlight. I hang there for a moment, suspended in the blueness, water above and below me. I know there are other bodies swimming nearby but down here with blood and bubbles rushing in my ears I can imagine, for a moment, that I’m totally alone.
If Nurse Jeannie had told me from the start that the Aura Spa was not balanced halfway up some windy mountainside in Wales but nestled on an island in the Bay of Naples I might not have made such a fuss. All she told me to pack was bikinis and summery clothes, but I assumed that meant I would be on duty in a steam room, or a gym, or an indoor pool.
I kick my way up along the surface, looking at the white sand far below me, the little darting fish, the ripples of sunlight turning me to liquid.
What a way to spend a morning. Two days ago I was packing up my houseboat in a grey October London. Today I’m in a cobalt-blue paradise of sea and sky.
Nurse Jeannie might have insisted that I was being deployed on a work placement, but how could you call swimming in the warmest, bluest water off the Amalfi coast work? I haven’t even spoken to Pierre properly yet, let alone assisted him with anything. Nurse Jeannie’s apprehension about his fitness was accurate. By the time we met at the airport to fly over here in his brother’s private jet he was running a fever and needing strong painkillers for extensive pain in his left leg.
Since then I’ve barely seen him. He’s been confined to his room.
Finally, last evening, when the male nurse had left and the spa doctors said the temperature was back to normal, I decided I must try to rouse him so we could talk sensibly about everything.
He seemed to be asleep. The atmosphere in that room was just like those early days at the clinic, when I used to watch him lying pale and still in that hospital bed.
He was so white against the sheets, the muslin curtain wafting in the breeze from the sea far below. He was so pale. That lovely sun blazing away outside and he hasn’t been touched by it yet. Those thick black eyelashes were fanned over his cheek.
