‘Sure, no problem. I’ll keep a close eye on her. Good luck.’
‘Thanks.’
Vanessa went back inside and Mia took a deep, steadying breath. She hadn’t realized it was going to be so hard to say the words aloud. It made everything sickeningly real.
She went to the headmistress’s office, bracing herself for the conversation. Mia enjoyed working with Fiona Kelly, but she wouldn’t say she was a friend. At sixty-two, Fiona was a good bit older than the other teachers and kept a slight distance from them, Mia included. But she was extremely professional and compassionate in her own slightly cool way.
‘Morning, Mia.’ The head frowned. ‘Has something happened? You look shaken.’
‘It has, actually,’ Mia said, shutting the door behind her. She sat down opposite Fiona at the desk. ‘My sister collapsed yesterday. She’s in the hospital. They aren’t sure what’s wrong with her, but it could be a brain injury.’
‘Oh, Lord, that’s terrible,’ Fiona said, leaning forward. ‘I’m very sorry, Mia. I know you and Sarah are close.’
Mia nodded. ‘We are,’ she said. ‘So it’s a difficult time. We’re really hoping she’ll come round soon.’
‘Do you mean she’s in a coma?’ Fiona asked, cutting straight to the point.
‘Well, she’s non-responsive.’ Mia’s voice wobbled. ‘So we think it’s a coma. It’s hard to follow what the doctors are saying, to be honest. I feel completely out of my depth.’
‘Your poor family,’ Fiona said. ‘You’ll need time off. Don’t worry about it for a moment. I can hold the fort here and obviously I’ll keep a close eye on Izzy. Does she know what’s going on?’
‘Not really, but she’s upset, obviously, and worried. I’ve spoken to her teacher already.’
‘Poor little pet. I’ll make sure to pop in to see her.’
‘I’m worried about my Communion class,’ Mia said. ‘The rehearsals have been going well, but I don’t want to let them down.’
‘I can step in there,’ Fiona said firmly. ‘Hopefully Sarah will respond to treatment and you’ll be back here with us in no time.’ She gazed at Mia with such kindness that Mia nearly burst into tears.
‘Thank you so much,’ she said. ‘I know this is bad timing, but I really appreciate your understanding. I should be able to drop in and out, try to stay on top of things.’
‘Family comes first,’ Fiona said. ‘It’s at times like these we realize the truth of that. I lost my brother,’ she said. ‘He was only thirty. Leukaemia. I can relate to what you’re going through, and I’m here to talk any time. If I can help in any way, please let me know.’
Wow, Mia thought. She had never known that. Fiona was not one to share personal details. How sad. ‘Thank you,’ she said. ‘And I’m very sorry about your brother. I had no idea.’
‘We all carry scars.’ Fiona smiled sadly. ‘Scratch the surface and everyone has a burden they’re carrying.’
‘Thank you again. I’ve left Izzy in her class and I hope she’ll be OK, but I told Vanessa that if Izzy’s upset, she can call Riley to come over and sit with her. I’m going to head to the hospital now and see if there’s any news.’
‘I’ll keep an eye on Izzy, too. I hope you hear something positive. I’ll send up a prayer for Sarah.’
Mia saw Adam at the coffee machine and went straight over to him. ‘Morning,’ she said. ‘How is she? Any news?’
Adam stared into the empty cup in his hand. ‘Same as yesterday. Baby’s heartbeat is still strong, so that’s something. Sarah is just lying there. Nothing. And the only word they say to me is “tests”. I tell you, Mia, I feel like punching someone at this stage.’
Mia took the cup from him and put it down. She doubted coffee was going to do him any good when he was already so jittery and tense. ‘I’ll check in with Angela,’ she said. ‘If there’s no change, why don’t you go home, have a shower and eat something decent? Izzy’s at school, so you’ll have time to yourself.’
‘What if Sarah wakes up?’ he said.
‘I’ll call you immediately,’ Mia said. ‘And you’ll be here within thirty minutes.’
They walked up the corridor to the nurses’ station. Angela came out of Sarah’s room and smiled at them. ‘Morning. Still no change. But I asked Dr Mayhew if you and Charlie could sit with Sarah, Mia, and the good news is he said yes.’
‘Really?’ Mia felt like she’d won the Lotto. ‘Oh, thanks, Angela. It’s been killing me not to be near her.’
‘I know,’ Angela said. ‘And it’s good for her to hear your voices as well.’
‘Has Charlie arrived?’ Mia asked Adam.
‘Not yet. He texted to say he’d come around ten.’
‘So, will you head home for a bit?’ Mia asked. ‘I’ll sit with her until you get back.’
‘That’s a good idea,’ Angela said, backing her up. ‘You need to take care of yourself as well, Adam, for your own sake and Izzy’s.’
Adam nodded tiredly. ‘Well, if there’s no change at all, I’ll just run back for a shower and a change of clothes. I’ll be as quick as I can.’
‘I won’t leave her,’ Mia said. ‘Don’t worry.’
Adam collected the gym bag from the waiting room and headed off.
‘Are you ready?’ Angela asked. ‘We have to keep the environment germ-free, so you’ll need to wear protective clothing.’ She fetched a plastic apron and a hair covering and helped Mia put them on.
‘Now your hands.’ She watched as Mia washed them carefully with the special foam soap. ‘Good. Right, I’ll bring you in.’
Angela opened the door to Sarah’s room and stepped aside. Mia took a deep breath, but when she saw her sister, a cry escaped her. Sarah, her beautiful little sister, was lying on a bed covered with tubes, drips, wires and lines. Her legs felt weak. Angela quickly took hold of her elbow and steered her to the chair beside the bed.
‘Breathe for me now, Mia,’ she said quietly. ‘I know it’s a shock, but it’s still Sarah. The machines are helping her to stay alive.’
Mia stared and stared at her sister. Her face was pale. Her lovely hair lay around her on the pillow – it seemed to have lost its shine. All she could hear was the clicking and swooshing of the ventilator. She struggled to come to terms with the scene before her.
‘Can I get you a glass of water?’
‘No, I’m fine, thanks,’ Mia said. ‘I got a shock, but I’m all right now. I’ll sit with her.’
‘I’ll be just outside,’ Angela said. ‘Press that button there and I’ll come running.’
She left the room, and Mia let the tears flow. She reached out and took Sarah’s hand in hers. It was warm and soft. It felt like life, completely at odds with how Sarah looked. ‘Sarah, it’s Mia. I hope you can hear me. You’re going to be OK. Stay strong, fight back. Let your inner tiger out. Come back, Sarah. We love you. We need you.’
She sat and listened to the whirring of the ventilator as she held her sister’s hand. She sat forward so she was right up at Sarah’s ear. She vaguely remembered reading somewhere that hearing was the last thing to go, so maybe on some level, in some way, Sarah could hear her. Maybe not, but she was going to choose to believe that she could.
Mia kissed her sister’s forehead. She whispered in her ear, ‘I’m here for you, Sarah. I’ll help you. Fight, Sarah, fight like you’ve never fought before, for your baby, for Izzy and Adam, Charlie and all of us.’
Mia wiped tears from her eyes and shook her head, trying to banish any negative thoughts that were trying to creep in. If I believe strongly enough, she’ll be OK, she thought.
‘Sarah, I’m going to try to shock you awake. Brace yourself for this. I found condoms in Dad’s chest-of-drawers.’ Mia waited. ‘What – nothing? I can’t believe you didn’t react to that.’
The machines whirred and clicked. Mia wanted to scream, but she reined in her emotions. She leaned down and pulled Sarah’s diary out of her handbag. Sarah always said that writing in her diary had save
d her a fortune in therapy. Mia reckoned the idea of someone reading it would freak her out and definitely make her wake up.
‘Right. Be warned, I’m resorting to underhand measures now. I found this yesterday and I’m going to read it out loud until you wake up. So you’d want to wake up quickly, because your deepest, darkest secrets are about to be laid bare. I’m not joking.’
Mia flipped open the diary. A bunch of envelopes fell to the floor. She picked them up. They were all addressed to Izzy. Seven of them. On each sealed envelope Sarah had written – Letters of love from a mother to her daughter – Izzy’s first year. Each letter was another year, Izzy’s second year, and on up to Izzy’s seventh year.
Mia felt her throat ache. Izzy, beautiful, sweet, innocent Izzy. Sarah had written love letters to her, and now Izzy would have them for ever. ‘Sarah, you really are a brilliant mother,’ Mia said. ‘It’s never occurred to me to write anything to Riley. You’re amazing. What a beautiful gift to give your child.’
Mia tucked the letters safely into the back of the diary. Then she looked at the page she’d opened it on: August 2009.
‘I’m doing this, Sarah,’ she said. She settled herself in the chair and began to read aloud.
‘9.30 a.m. I’m lying here staring at my incredible baby girl, Isobel, but Izzy to us. She’s sleeping now, and her little rosebud mouth is set in a perfect pout. Her arms are thrown over her head and she looks so peaceful and happy. I never knew such joy existed. Mia told me about it. She kept saying, “Just wait until you hold your baby in your arms,” but I didn’t understand her. I didn’t know that I could feel so much love.
‘Adam is besotted too. It’s been so lovely to see him so happy. He’s been so stressed lately with having to close two of the stores and lay off staff he’s had for years. He found it so hard. I’m worried about how stressed he is. Thank God for Izzy. She has lit up his life.
‘I keep telling Adam that he mustn’t worry about money or earning more. He still has the main bathroom shop and it’s keeping us afloat. We’re fine. I don’t want fancy things. All I want is our little family unit, safe and healthy.
‘But Adam’s always been so driven. He wants to be successful and keeps saying he feels like a failure. It’s because of his rotten father. He’s obsessed with proving himself, but I keep telling him that he has no need to prove himself to anyone, and definitely not to me. He is a great guy, a loving husband, and I know he’ll be a great dad. I just wish he could put his past behind him.
‘I tried to get him to go and see a therapist, but he refused. He thinks he’s dealt with it, but he hasn’t. His brother Rob went to see a psychiatrist and he told me he found it really helpful. But Adam just said that Rob’s gone all Canadian and it’s more “normal” for men to see shrinks over there.
‘I keep trying to boost him up. I tell him how brilliant he is, providing for me and allowing me to give up work. I want him to stop working 24/7 and spend more time at home. Hopefully he’ll be home earlier now to see Izzy and spend time with her.
‘5.00 p.m. Mia just called over with Riley on their way home from school. Mia had a face like thunder when she came in. Apparently, Riley got into trouble in school today for telling one of the other girls to “fuck off”.
‘Mia got pulled aside by the headmistress about it. She was furious. Poor Riley, I felt a bit sorry for her. She’s a great kid, just has a very strong personality, which some of the gentler girls in the class find a bit much. Even at only seven you can see she’s a fighter – just like her mum. And Mia didn’t lick it off a stone either. Mia is like Penny and Riley is like Mia.
‘Mia said it’s not just that Riley was bold but that it reflects badly on her as a teacher in the school. I get that, but Riley is a chip off the old block. Mia disagrees when I tell her that. She seems to think she was this angel child. But I remember her, and she really wasn’t. She argued with Dad all the time and with Mum, but Mum is like Mia, fiery and smart and driven. They get each other.
‘I like peace and quiet and harmony. After Mia calls in, I always feel breathless. She can be a bit of a whirlwind. In the thirty minutes she was here she made me a cup of coffee and a sandwich, changed Izzy’s nappy, hung out a wash and unloaded the dishwasher.
‘I told her not to, but she’s not happy when she’s not doing something. Mia never sits down and just chills. She can’t.’
Yes, I can, Mia thought. I can sit down and watch Netflix. Although … she never just watched a programme, she’d also be on her phone checking emails or doing lists in her head or sewing the hem of Riley’s school skirt.
‘Sarah, you’re right about me having to do things all the time, but not about Riley being my mirror image. I was not this troublesome to Mum, no way. I certainly never spoke to her the way Riley speaks to me. She can be so rude. Since I grounded her for getting drunk, she’s been even worse. She stomps around the house sulking and making us all miserable. Johnny begged me to let her go out and spare us the moods, but I have to put my foot down or else she’ll just go completely wild.
‘And sorry if I made you feel breathless, but I was only trying to help. I knew how tired you were after giving birth. I was being practical.’ Mia felt a bit stung by that particular comment.
‘I could just stare at Izzy for ever. She is so perfect. I feel so blessed. I want to have another baby now. I want to have lots of children, it’s so amazing. I didn’t want to say that to Mia obviously. I know she would have liked more kids, she’s a great mum, but Johnny had problems – low sperm count. Adam thinks it’s because Johnny’s not fit and doesn’t work out, but it isn’t, it’s just bad luck.’
Mia’s face grew hot. How dare Adam say that? Johnny’s low sperm count had nothing to do with not going to the stupid gym. God, Adam was such an insensitive jerk sometimes. Sarah always tried to excuse his remarks as the result of growing up with an alcoholic gambler for a father. Mia did feel bad for Adam – clearly his childhood had been awful and had badly affected him – but sometimes he was really hard to take.
Johnny had been heartbroken when they’d found out they couldn’t have any more children. The consultant said that Riley was kind of a miracle child. They’d discussed sperm donors and adoption, but in the end, Mia had said Riley was enough. When she saw the relief on Johnny’s face, she knew she’d made the right decision. And Riley was enough for any family. She took up all the space, oxygen and energy of six kids.
If Mia was being totally honest, she had taken a while to come to terms with the fact that she wouldn’t have any more children, but she’d kept it to herself so as not to hurt Johnny. And she’d made peace with it a long time ago.
‘I think I’d like two girls and two boys. That would be perfect. It might be a pipe dream, though. Adam is so stressed about money and the business I don’t want to put any pressure on him. Hopefully the recession will be over soon and things will pick up. I think you have to be optimistic in life. What’s the alternative, waiting for the roof to cave in?
‘Mia is a worrier. I’m more of a block-out-the-worries-and-focus-on-the-positive person. Mum says I live in La La Land, but I prefer it that way. I think being bullied made me very self-sufficient. I know I can manage on my own and that I like my own company. It also taught me not to get stressed about things you can’t control. I couldn’t control Georgia and the other girls being bitches, so I had to learn to work around it. I think that lesson has stood to me. I don’t get bogged down in things out of my control.
‘Mum and Mia are always worried or stressing about something – if it’s not money or work or health, it’s the state of the world, refugee crises, famines, recessions … They never stop. I want to live in my bubble of joy with Izzy and tune out the bad stuff. I choose happiness and I’m not going to apologize for it.
‘Dad always says, why watch a depressing movie when you can watch a comedy? I agree entirely. Mia and Mum can watch their depressing movies and documentaries but I’m going to stick to watching How I Met Your Mother an
d laughing.’
Mia closed the diary and laid it on her lap. She felt guilty for reading it, but it did bring Sarah close to her. It was strange, too, because some of the stuff she knew, and some was Sarah’s private thoughts. Obviously, she knew Sarah would have a private take on things, but it was a bit weird to hear it. She felt she knew Sarah better than anyone, but there were things her sister hadn’t shared with her.
She stroked the leather cover of the diary and turned it over in her hands, then looked back at her sister, lying so still. ‘Come on, wake up, please.’ She rubbed the back of Sarah’s hand and prayed.
13
Adam walked around his house like a zombie. It didn’t feel like home: it was empty and silent and sad. He felt as if he was losing his mind. How could this happen? Why? Was Sarah going to wake up? He stood in front of the fridge, staring at the food, and felt like throwing up. How could he eat when his wife was fighting for her life? Adam inhaled deeply. He had to keep it together. He had to be strong for Izzy and for Sarah. She’d want him to be strong. But Sarah was his world, his love. Sarah had shown him what family looked like. She’d created the warm, loving environment that Adam had craved his whole life. Sarah was home. Without her …
He needed to talk to someone who understood him better than anyone. And that person was his brother, Rob. He hadn’t told him anything yet, because he’d kept hoping it would end and he’d be able to tell Rob when it was all over and better and fixed. But now, well, now he wasn’t so sure about anything. He had to talk to his brother, to hear his reassuring voice.
Adam sat at the kitchen table with his laptop and dialled the Canadian number. The ring tone sounded, then there was a click and his brother’s face filled the screen.
‘Hey, bro. I was just thinking about you, funnily enough. To what do I owe the pleasure? It’s been a while.’
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