Mia was just closing the diary when a piercing alarm went off, splitting the silence. Within seconds, the door burst open and nurses and doctors swarmed into the room. Mia was briskly ushered out and the door was closed tight.
She stood outside in the corridor, clutching her sister’s words to her chest, tears streaming down her face.
24
Riley sat looking at the back of Zach’s neck. He was so close she could almost touch him. Drama was the only class they were in together. Riley was in the top stream for all the other subjects. Zach was in the second or third, and Zoë was in the bottom for all except French because she’d lived in France for the first nine years of her life, and her parents had a holiday house there. She added French words into conversation, like she was so bilingual she couldn’t help herself. It was incredibly annoying and pretentious. Riley had actually heard her say, ‘I love pommes, don’t you? OMG, I obvs meant apples. What am I like?’ Riley had almost puked.
Riley loved and hated seeing Zach now. Mostly she hated it but, like a scab you pick until it bleeds, she also liked seeing him, even though it hurt.
She inhaled deeply and could just make out his deodorant. Lynx Dark Temptation was the one he wore. She’d bought it and used to – OK, still did – spray it on her pillow.
Thankfully, Zoë didn’t take drama so at least she was spared her nauseating perfume. Zoë drowned herself every five minutes in Victoria’s Secret Bombshell. It made Riley want to gag. Every time Zoë walked by, she left a trail of sickly stink behind her.
Riley wore Comme des Garçons Floriental. It was a unisex perfume and smelt amazing. Sarah had given it to her last Christmas – she always gave her the coolest presents. It had even more meaning to her now. Riley held her wrist to her nose and inhaled. She fought a wave of emotion as she pictured Sarah’s face when her aunt was giving it to her. She pushed it down. Not now, not in school.
Zach used to say he loved her perfume. He said he hated really flowery scents. He’d obviously got over it or had had a permanent blocked nose since he’d started seeing Zoë.
Riley wanted to lean over and kiss his neck. She wanted to sit in his lap and tell him all about Sarah and the baby and how horrible everything was. She wanted to tell him how she was waking up every night crying because she didn’t really understand how her aunt could be dead but not completely dead, and that she kept having the same nightmare – that the baby was a blackened, shrivelled corpse inside Sarah’s body.
She missed him so much. She needed him. She needed his love. Why did he have to go off on her now, at the worst time in her life?
Riley forced her eyes away from his neck and focused on peeling off her navy nail varnish.
‘Right, class. I’ve divided you up into pairs,’ Mr Warren announced. ‘I want you to work on a little project that I’m calling The Reasons Why. Each of you will have a book or play that you are to defend or disparage. I want a comprehensive paper delivered to me in three weeks’ time with both sides of the argument clearly laid out. The best arguments for and against will win a prize. The prize will be … drumroll, please … two tickets to see Michael Fassbender starring in Death of a Salesman here in Dublin, in June.’
Oh, my God. Riley adored Michael Fassbender. He was awesome. She wanted those tickets badly. Mr Warren read out the pairs. ‘Sam and Fiona, Harry and Juliette, Riley and Zach …’
Wait! What? Riley froze. Did he say Riley and Zach? She heard Harry snigger and mutter, ‘Awkward.’ She could feel her face turning a deep shade of scarlet. She ducked her head and let her hair fall around her, like a protective curtain. Damn it – Zach? Really?
‘Dude, shocker getting paired with your psycho ex,’ Harry hissed across at Zach. ‘Be careful not to piss her off – she might stab you.’
Riley’s blood boiled. ‘The only person I’d bother stabbing is you, you ginger moron,’ she hissed back.
‘I might be ginger, but at least I’m not a freak show who burns her ex’s stuff outside his house. Who does that?’
Riley looked up from behind her hair. ‘I do, and I’ll torch your precious mountain bike if you don’t fuck off.’
‘You wouldn’t dare.’
‘Wouldn’t I?’ Riley glared right at him. ‘Do you really want to find out?’
‘You’re officially insane.’
‘Dude, leave her alone,’ Zach said.
‘What’s going on down there?’ Mr Warren asked, from the front of the room. ‘I don’t want any comments about pairing. You are to work with the partner assigned to you and that’s that.’
At the end of class, as everyone else made a dash for the door, Zach turned around slowly in his chair. ‘How do you want to do this?’ he asked. Those were the first words he’d spoken to her since the night she’d burned the stuff on the lawn. ‘Once we decide on a book or play, we could each do our own part separately, then just submit it?’
So, he couldn’t bear to be alone with her even for a minute. Riley hoped her face didn’t betray how hurt she was. ‘Sure, yeah, whatever.’
‘What do you want to write about? I’ll let you choose. I’m sure you have strong feelings about some play or book. But can you not choose something, like, totally intense?’
Riley’s eyes narrowed. ‘Sure, Zach. Why don’t we do, let’s see, how about Diary of a Wimpy Kid? Is that good for you? Not too intense? Not too much to deal with? Not going to bore you? Funny enough for you? I don’t want to ruin your life with my extreme choices or opinions, I mean, God forbid we’d actually do something that matters.’
Zach sighed. ‘Come on, Riley, give me a break.’
‘Like you gave me but didn’t tell me? The break we were having but you forgot to mention?’
‘Well, the next time you decide to crap all over someone’s ambitions, I’d advise you to keep your opinion to yourself.’
‘I’ve apologized for that, Zach. Come on, get over it already.’
‘Your opinion mattered to me.’
Riley felt her chin wobbling. ‘I’m sorry, Zach … Look, can you give me a break here? I’m going through a really shit time. My aunt is … she’s …’ A sob escaped Riley’s lips. She didn’t want to fall apart in front of Zach so she fled the room, ran to the toilets and locked herself into a cubicle. She put a hand over her mouth to muffle her sobs.
After five minutes, she began to calm down. She sat on the toilet lid and fished her concealer out of her bag. She’d have to try to hide her red, puffy eyes. She was about to unlock the cubicle door when she heard voices.
‘OMG, Zoë, what a shocker for you,’ someone said. It sounded like Danni Gard, but Riley wasn’t sure.
‘What are you talking about?’ Zoë’s voice said.
‘Haven’t you heard? Zach got paired with Riley, or should I say Debbie Downer, in drama. They’ll be working together for weeks on some big project. Just the two of them.’
Riley held her breath.
‘So what?’ Zoë snapped. ‘Zach is so over her. He can’t stand her. He said she’s all obsessed with people who, like, want to change the world and stuff and she totally doesn’t get athletics. Look at her! She’s a freak who wants to stay inside and read boring books about boring people no one gives a crap about. Zach will be furious he’s stuck with her boring arse as a partner. I feel sorry for him. I’d better find him and cheer him up.’
Riley pulled out more toilet paper to wipe her tears. Zach was gone. She had to forget about him. He didn’t even want to spend a minute alone with her doing a project. It was obvious he hated her.
The bell rang for break. Riley picked up her bag and headed out to the junior school playground to check on Izzy. At least she could do something right and help her little cousin. To hell with Zach, her aunt was dead and her cousin needed her.
25
Mia, Adam, Rob and Charlie paced up and down the ICU waiting room. What was going on? Mia had texted them immediately, thinking the alarm might have signalled the end. They had arrived in the last half-hour,
all terrified. So far, no one had told them anything.
In the corner of the waiting room sat a woman of about seventy, her eyes closed, holding a set of rosary beads. She was praying quietly, completely immersed. It looked soothing, Mia thought. The woman’s husband had been rushed in with kidney failure, but Mia had heard one of the doctors telling her that he was going to be all right.
Angela came out and told the woman she could see her husband. She stood up, calmly placed her beads in a little leather pouch and went out into the corridor.
‘They’ll talk to you shortly,’ Angela said. ‘Don’t worry.’
The old woman’s poise and composure were in stark contrast to Adam’s mutterings and the rage Mia felt against the world. She had tried praying, but it had given her no peace. Seeing the woman and the comfort her rosary had given her, Mia wished she had stronger faith. To find consolation in some higher being would be a relief, but for her, no God could explain this or answer the questions she had. There was no God. How could a compassionate and loving God destroy Sarah’s life? Mia envied the woman her faith, but she knew she’d never find solace there. There was no ‘meaning’ to this situation: it was just awful, terrible, random bad luck. People were always saying there was a reason for everything. Bullshit. Sarah’s death had no meaning: it was just the world being cruel and heartless.
After what seemed like hours, Dr Mayhew finally came in to talk to them. He looked exhausted.
‘Is my baby OK?’ Adam demanded.
‘We had to perform an emergency ventriculostomy to treat the raised intracranial pressure by draining CSF and blood to relieve increased pressure inside Sarah’s skull from the brain swelling. This basically means that Sarah now has a drain in her skull. It’s vital that this does not become infected, so we will have to be extremely vigilant about visitors wearing protective clothing and gloves, too, now at all times.’
‘And Ben?’ Adam croaked.
‘The foetus remains stable as of now,’ Dr Mayhew said.
‘Thank God!’ Adam cried.
Charlie stepped forward. ‘This drain, will it stay in permanently?’
‘For the time being, yes.’
‘What happens if it does get infected?’
Dr Mayhew paused. ‘We must hope that it doesn’t, and we’ll do everything to ensure that it doesn’t.’
‘But what happens if it does?’ Charlie persisted.
‘An infection in Sarah’s bloodstream would travel to the foetus and result in the rupture of the membranes, causing a pre-term delivery.’
Charlie’s face was white. ‘Jesus Christ, it’s not right. None of this is right.’
‘Ben’s alive, Charlie. That’s all that matters now,’ Adam said.
‘Charlie’s just in shock,’ Rob said gently. ‘It’s a very difficult situation, Adam.’
‘No, it’s not. It’s perfectly straightforward,’ Adam said, his voice rising. ‘Ben is alive and that’s our only focus.’
Dr Mayhew muttered that he had to check on Sarah and exited the room, leaving them to argue.
Charlie stood facing Adam. ‘Sarah should die in peace. She’s not an incubator, she’s my daughter and she’s dead. We need to let her go and bury her with dignity. This is not natural, Adam.’
‘You don’t understand, Charlie. This is Sarah’s doing. She’s fighting to keep the baby alive, and we have to help her.’
‘No, she isn’t, Adam. She’s dead, son. The machines are keeping her body alive, not Sarah. She’s full of tubes and drips and now she has a drain in her skull. Please, Adam, we need to let her go. No baby can survive in a dead mother’s body for months.’
Adam stepped forward aggressively and shoved a finger into Charlie’s face. ‘While my son has a heartbeat, we will be keeping Sarah alive.’
Rob came and stood between them, making sure Adam didn’t get any closer to Charlie.
‘But she’s not alive! I keep telling you – she’s dead!’ Charlie shouted. ‘I was there at that scan you missed. I saw that little boy. I’d do anything to save him, Adam, but he can’t survive in a dead mother’s body. Cop yourself on and see the reality here.’
Adam looked as if he’d been slapped. ‘He might, Charlie … he might survive. You aren’t God. You can’t tell me for certain that he won’t. Ben is the priority here, and nothing and no one else matters. I will decide what happens. Me. That’s my wife in there and my son, and I’ll do anything to save him.’
The two men stared at each other, breathing heavily.
‘Hey now,’ Rob said quietly. ‘Let’s just take a step back.’ He put his arm around Adam and physically moved him away. ‘How about we go get a coffee?’ he said, then steered his brother out of the room, casting a worried glance at Charlie.
The door closed, and Charlie turned to Mia, who was sitting quietly in the corner.
‘Have you nothing to say? You normally have plenty to say about everything. You think it’s OK, do you, your sister being used to keep alive a foetus that isn’t going to make it? Her body is going to start deteriorating. It’s inhumane. It’s wrong, Mia. It’s wrong.’
Mia felt nauseous at the thought of her sister’s body breaking down. She couldn’t bear it. ‘I understand where you’re coming from, Dad, but I can see Adam’s point, too. While there is a chance of saving the baby, however tiny, he has to try. He’d have to live with the guilt afterwards if he didn’t. Sarah wanted this baby more than anything. She was so happy to be pregnant. I really think she’d want us to try.’
‘But the child won’t survive. It’ll be for nothing.’
Mia looked at her father, and knew he was at the end of his tether. This was killing him. ‘Medicine has come a long way. Who knows what’ll happen? Look, Dad, the whole situation is horrific. None of us can get our heads around it. I don’t know what to say to people. My principal rang me and asked how Sarah was and I didn’t have the words. So, I just said she’s still non-responsive, but I’m not sure how long I can keep that up. When people find out, they’ll have an opinion and I don’t want to hear it. No one knows what it’s like or what they’d do until they’re in the situation. If you’d asked me a month ago if I’d think it was right to keep my dead sister alive as an incubator, I would have said no. But here we are, and the baby still has a heartbeat, so …’
Charlie sat down and rubbed his eyes. ‘What a mess. What a total and utter mess. I can’t mourn her, and I can’t not mourn her. I think limbo might be worse than Hell.’
Mia reached over and squeezed his hand. ‘I know what you mean.’
‘How’s Izzy?’
‘She’s holding up well, but I think Adam being in the hospital all the time is upsetting her too. She’s so close to Sarah, and misses her so much, that she needs her dad now. But in fairness to Adam, he needs to be here for Sarah and the baby. I’m finding it impossible to explain it to Izzy. There is no explanation that a seven-year-old could possibly understand.’
‘The poor little mite. I never even knew a situation like this could exist. I feel like I’m in a madhouse.’
Mia sighed. ‘I’m hanging on by my fingernails. I just don’t want this to break the family apart. That would really upset Sarah, if she was the cause of a falling-out. That’s why I feel we have to back up Adam, even though it’s incredibly difficult.’
Charlie didn’t look convinced. Who was right? Charlie or Adam? What was the right thing to do? After reading Sarah’s diary, Mia felt that Sarah would have wanted the baby to have the best chance possible. For now, while her heart went out to Charlie, she agreed with Adam.
26
Riley was in her room with Shocko, riffling through her bookshelf. Shocko was looking in her full-length mirror, admiring his new eyebrow piercing. ‘It looks so good.’
‘Are you allowed to wear it in school?’
‘No. I’ll have to take it out tomorrow morning and put it back in when I get home.’
‘What did your parents say?’
‘Dad told me I looked
like a gobshite and Mum said she hoped it got infected because that would serve me right.’
Riley grinned. ‘Well, if it makes you feel any better, I think it looks kind of cool.’
‘Thanks. Me too.’
Riley threw another book onto the floor. The pile was getting higher. ‘Damn it, I just can’t decide which one to choose for the drama project.’
‘Why don’t you do that one you were telling me about? The one with the woman who wanted to be president of Brazil, then got kidnapped and tied up in the jungle for, like, a decade.’
‘Ingrid Betancourt, it was Colombia and, no, Zach will just moan about how intense it is. I need something else.’
‘I thought that book sounded good. If I was in your school and we got paired up, I’d be happy with it.’
‘It is an incredible story, but I want to choose something Zach can’t complain about.’
‘The dude seems to complain about everything you do.’ Shocko walked over to Riley’s desk chair and picked up her guitar. He strummed it tunelessly. Riley wished he’d learn to play properly. She had offered to teach him but he wanted to learn organically, he said. In Shocko’s case, that meant never at all.
Riley threw an armful of books onto the bed. ‘I need help, Shocko. Which one would you choose?’
Shocko picked up the books and read out the titles. ‘The Grapes of Wrath, Lean In, I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings, Man’s Search for Meaning, I am Malala, Anne Frank’s Diary, To Kill a Mockingbird, The Color Purple, a biography of Gandhi, A Long Walk to Freedom, We Wish to Inform You that Tomorrow We Will Be Killed with Our Families.’ He waved the last one in the air. ‘Zach may have a point. These are all serious downers. I know you like to read about important stuff and real people who inspire and all, but We Wish to Inform You that Tomorrow We Will Be Killed with Our Families? That’s a whole other level of depressing.’
Riley lay down beside him on the bed and groaned. ‘When you put them all side by side they are a bit heavy jelly, but individually they’re brilliant. None of them will work, though. I need something middle-ground. Something that’s a good story but not too much.’
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