Johnny helped Riley put the tray on the coffee-table and kissed the top of her head.
‘I promise I’ll be there for her,’ Riley said. ‘Even when she’s a bolshie teenager – yes, Mum, I know, it takes one to know one – I’ll be there. I’ll make sure no boy ever treats her badly and no girl ever tries to bully her. I’ve got it covered, Adam. And Mum will be there for her too. She can keep an eye on her in school and be like a surrogate mother. Mum loves Izzy and Izzy loves Mum – and she’s a pretty amazing mother.’
Mia’s heart swelled. She wanted to run over and crush Riley in the biggest hug, but she held herself back and just beamed at her daughter.
‘We’ve got it covered. We all love Izzy and we all love …’ Riley’s voice caught ‘… loved Sarah. She was awesome.’
Mia went over and put her arm around Riley’s shoulders. Her daughter didn’t shove it off. Instead she leaned in.
Johnny’s phone rang and he scurried out of the room. How could he take a call now? Mia was stunned. It must be about the new job.
Mia turned to her brother-in-law. ‘Adam, no one will ever replace Sarah in Izzy’s life, but we’ll all try to fill the gap. We’ll be with her every step of the way. Trust us. Let us in.’
Adam rubbed his eyes. ‘Thank you. All of you. I’m sorry for pushing you away. I want you in Izzy’s life. She needs all of you and your support means the world to her and to me.’
‘And I’ll visit more, and you guys can come and stay with us. We’re all in this together. We’re all here for you, Adam. You’re not alone,’ Rob said.
Rob handed everyone a glass of wine.
‘Not for me, thank you. I’m driving,’ Olivia said pointedly.
Riley grabbed a glass. Mia removed it from her hand and handed her a cup of tea.
‘Seriously?’
‘Yes.’
They all drank deeply to the sounds of Shocko singing ‘Let It Go’ with Izzy outside.
Adam cleared his throat. ‘There is something else. I’ve made the decision to turn off the ventilator. I’ve spoken to Dr Mayhew. We’re doing it tomorrow morning at ten. It’s time to say goodbye. I’d like you all to be there, but I totally understand if you’d rather not.’
Shocko and Izzy’s voices rose to a crescendo ‘Let it go …’
52
Mia slipped quietly into the ICU. It was late and, despite the clanking of machines, raspy breathing, murmurs of voices, the place felt calm.
Angela came over to her. ‘I heard the news. We’re all so relieved that Adam has come around to making the right decision. How are you?’
Mia thought. How was she? ‘Sad. Just really, deeply sad.’
‘Oh, love.’ Angela hugged her. ‘This has been the most heartbreaking case I’ve ever witnessed, and I’ve worked in ICU for twenty-five years. I don’t know how you’re all still standing.’
‘Me neither. I guess we’re all stronger than we think. Talking to Adam this evening was incredible. It was like he’d come back to us. In a strange and complicated way, we had a good day, despite everything.’
‘I’m so glad to hear that. Families need to stick together in times of sorrow.’
Mia nodded. ‘Yes, they do.’
‘Do you want to go in and see her?’
‘Yes. Adam says the machine will be switched off tomorrow. I want to say a final goodbye.’
‘Of course you do. I’ll make sure no one disturbs you.’
Mia sat in the hospital room and listened to the ventilator. The familiar noise soothed her. She took out a scented candle – Jo Malone Peony & Blush Suede, Sarah’s favourite – and lit it.
As the scent filled the room, Mia pulled a sheet of paper out of her bag. Johnny had barely looked up when she’d left the house. He’d been locked away in the bedroom on his computer since they’d got back. He seemed very stressed about the article he was working on. Mia hoped to God it would get him the job.
Watching him, she’d thought she should write down what she wanted to say to Sarah. Get her thoughts straight before her final conversation. She’d scribbled down her thoughts.
‘Hey, Sarah, it’s me. This is goodbye, my darling. I’ll never be the same again, not without you, but I’m so glad Adam is ready to let you go. It’s awful, but it’s the right thing to do. I wrote down some final thoughts and things I want to say to you. And I’m afraid you can’t get away, so you’ll have to hear me out.’ She smiled sadly at her sister.
‘I can’t believe this day has come. I know you left us a while ago, but in the weirdest, most messed up of ways I still felt as if you were here. This has been the most awful, unimaginably difficult few weeks of all our lives. Our grief for you is so acute, it matches our love for you.
‘And, Sarah, you are deeply loved. You are adored. We are heartbroken without you. For a while we were lost. But I think, now, maybe we can see our way back.
‘I don’t think I ever realized what a central point you were in our family. You were the core. You loved and were loved by all of us. Everyone else has little issues and grumbles with the others, but not you. Everyone loved you.
‘I used to get frustrated with you for not doing more with your life. What a fool I was. What a complete idiot.
‘Your simplicity was the best thing about you. You never looked for more, just appreciated deeply what you had. You were content. I think I’ll spend my whole life looking for contentment, but you had it. You knew how lucky you were. You knew how good your life was. You loved deeply and were loved deeply in return.
‘People spend thousands of pounds and a lifetime seeking what you had – pure and simple happiness. Satisfaction with your lot.
‘You were never grumpy or stressed or overwhelmed, because you didn’t let yourself be. You were so much smarter than me, than all of us. You kept your life small and perfect. You had time for those you loved. You didn’t waste time on people who were not important to you. You focused on your loved ones and never wanted what others had because you had all that you wanted.
‘You didn’t need a bigger circle. You didn’t need more people in your life, more noise, more commitments, more stuff. You knew what was important and you nurtured that. Adam and Izzy were your world.
‘I remember getting really cross with you when you said you wouldn’t come to the theatre with me to see an all-star cast in Glengarry Glen Ross. I’d bought you a ticket as a birthday gift and you said you were sorry, but you had planned a birthday dinner with Adam and Izzy that night. I told you to do your birthday dinner the night before or the night after, that this was a one-off performance, a chance to see incredible actors in a wonderful play.
‘“I’m sorry, Mia,” you said, “but I’ve told Adam and Izzy we’re having a celebration dinner that night and I won’t change it.”
‘You were polite but firm. I knew you wouldn’t budge, and I was cross. But you were right. You were right to prioritize your husband and daughter. You were right not to let them down and change your plans. They were the loves of your life.
‘When I tried to suggest you get a part-time job because you “must be bored”, you were firm then too. “I am in the lucky position that I don’t need to work and I’m choosing not to. I want to be here for Izzy. If she’s sick, I want to look after her. If she forgets her lunch or her tennis racquet, I want to bring it in to her. If she has one line in the school play, I want to be in the front row. I don’t want to have anything that gets in the way of being her mother.”
‘I thought it was ridiculous, but you would not budge. Again, you were right. Your relationship with Izzy was incredible. The love you had for her, and her for you was extraordinary.’
Mia paused and took a minute to gather herself. This was hard. Every time she thought of the huge loss in Izzy’s life she felt as if she was being stabbed in the heart.
‘And Dad. You were so good to Dad when Mum died. Always there for him. Giving him so much time and help, constantly checking in on him so I didn’t have to. You took on th
e lion’s share of looking after Dad. You kept saying, “I’m not working, it’s easy for me.” But it wasn’t easy for you. You were grieving Mum’s death too. But you put Dad and me first. You gave me space to grieve and not feel guilty about looking after Dad, and you gave him all the support he needed.
‘I don’t know if I ever thanked you properly for that. And even with Olivia. I hated her on sight, but you kept pointing out, “It’s good for Dad,” and again, you were right. Even though she is the most annoying person on earth, she is good for Dad. I do see that now.
‘And Riley, you were so good with her. You always pointed out her good qualities and reminded me of how wonderful she is underneath her prickly exterior. Reading your diary has reminded me of how lucky I am to have a wonderful daughter and how I need to ease up on Riley and stop being on her back all the time.
‘You always sang Johnny’s praises, gently suggesting I back off and stop hounding him about job interviews and networking. You told me to trust him and not suffocate him. You reminded me time and again of what a good man he is. How much he loves me and Riley. What a great dad he is.
‘You’ve taught me that I need to change. I need to see life through your lens. I must stop and look at all the wonderful things I have, appreciate the people I love and stop seeking more. I have to stop pushing myself and them to achieve more and just enjoy my life. Reading your diary has shown me that I need to stop and smell the roses. Thank you for that.
‘You saw the world through the eyes of a happy person. You saw the good, the hope, the kindness in life. You saw the world simply and clearly.
‘You knew what mattered most and ignored the rest. You focused on the positives. You loved with a full heart. Please know that you were loved profoundly in return. The depth of our loss and grief is testament to how much we love you. I’m so angry that you’re going to miss out on Izzy’s life, but I know you’d tell me not to waste time and energy on anger. “What’s the point of being angry, Mia?” you said once. “Anger just eats away at your soul and makes you ill. You have to let it go.”
‘Sarah, as long as I have breath in my body I will look out for Izzy. I will love her, protect her, mind her, care for her and try my best to fill her life with joy. I owe you that and I will be honoured to do so.
‘And wherever you are, be proud. Be proud of a life well lived, of having loved and been loved and of creating the most incredible little girl in the world (apart from Riley!).
‘I love you, Sarah, and I will miss you every single day until the day I die.’
53
Mia decided to wear red. It was Sarah’s favourite colour. It felt wrong to wear black. It wasn’t a funeral. It was a farewell. She wanted to look nice for Sarah, even though she knew her sister could neither see nor hear her.
It was silly, really, but these little things helped. Riley was in her school uniform because she had an exam that afternoon, which Mia wasn’t letting her miss.
‘It’s so unfair.’
Mia was firm. ‘Life has to go on, Riley. We need to try to get things back to normal. Well, the new normal.’
Adam had dropped Izzy to school, not telling her what was happening. Her mother was dead: she didn’t need to know the terrible details. No one did. That was something the family would keep to themselves. The trauma, pain and awfulness of what they had lived through had been contained, thanks to Johnny. Mia was so grateful to him for that.
Their choices and decisions, made under the most horrendous circumstances, were for no one else to judge. How could anyone judge anyway? Mia thought. No one could ever imagine this happening because it doesn’t happen. Ever.
Johnny was in the kitchen on his laptop. ‘We have to go,’ Mia said, glancing at the clock on the wall.
‘Just give me a minute.’
Mia stood for a minute. ‘Johnny!’ she said.
‘I’m coming,’ he grumbled.
In the car, Johnny seemed preoccupied and distant.
‘What is this article you’re working on anyway, Dad?’ Riley asked. ‘It must be really long – you’re always on your laptop.’
‘It’s just difficult,’ he said, looking at Mia.
She patted his arm. ‘It’ll be worth the hard work to get the job in the bag.’ She smiled at him.
Johnny flushed and concentrated on the road. He seemed very tense, but everyone was tense, these days, and a job was riding on this article. Mia looked out of the window and up at the clouds. I’m coming, Sarah, she thought. I’m coming to say goodbye and let you be at peace. It’s nearly over, sis.
They stood in a semi-circle around the bed. Adam, Rob, Mia, Charlie, Johnny and Riley.
Angela and Dr Mayhew stood to the side, waiting. The window was open, letting sunshine and fresh air and the sound of birds flood the room. Sarah looked even worse, but it didn’t hurt to see her now because it was all going to be over soon.
In the breeze, Izzy’s picture fluttered. They looked up. Stick figures labelled Mummy, Daddy, Izzy and Baby, with wide crayon smiles and huge hands. Izzy’s family, now about to be halved.
Adam cleared his throat. ‘Thanks for being here. It means a lot. I’ve said what I had to say yesterday to the family. It just leaves me to thank you, Dr Mayhew, and all of your team, and you, Angela, for being such a rock of support and sense to all of us. It is some small comfort to know that Sarah has been cared for by such good people. I never in my wildest dreams imagined I would have to make such a heart-breaking decision, but Sarah and Ben are gone and it’s time to let them be at peace.’ Adam’s voice broke. Rob put a hand on his shoulder.
Adam nodded to Dr Mayhew. One by one, the alarms and monitors were turned off and then, finally, the ventilator.
Silence. Complete silence. Nobody moved. Mia felt as if her feet were frozen to the spot. It was over. The nightmare was over. No more wondering, What if? No more arguing and agonizing over what to do next. Sarah was at peace and maybe now they could be, too. No more fighting, no more cruel and angry words.
Mia knew that she had to find a way to get on with Adam. She needed to support him and, more importantly, Izzy, and for that to happen, she had to be on better terms with him. She owed it to Sarah.
‘Well, she’s at peace now, thank God,’ Charlie said. ‘She’s with Penny.’
‘May she rest in peace,’ Rob said.
‘Amen,’ Johnny added.
‘Goodbye, Sarah, love you,’ Riley whispered.
Mia put an arm around her daughter. ‘Goodbye, Sarah. Mum will look after you and Ben now. Rest easy.’
Adam laid a single rose on Sarah’s chest. He leaned over and kissed her cheek. ‘Goodbye, my love. Thank you for loving me and allowing me to love you. You taught me what true love is and you made me a better man.’
They all wiped tears from their eyes and filed out of the room. There, lined up along the corridor, were the medical team and the ICU nurses. They shook their hands and the eyes of each one were full of tears.
Saying goodbye to Angela was the hardest. She cried openly. ‘It’s been an honour to care for Sarah and get to know you all,’ she said, embracing them one by one. ‘You are a wonderful family. Stay close and be kind to each other.’ Her beeper sounded, and she turned to go back to the ICU, to help another patient and another family.
They walked through the waiting room, where they had spent so much time over the last three weeks, went down in the lift, then through hospital Reception and out into the warm summer’s day.
‘Coffee?’ Adam suggested.
‘Sure,’ Mia said.
‘I’ve got to head off.’ Johnny took out his car keys.
‘I thought you were taking Riley back to school,’ Mia said.
‘Yeah, no, I can’t, sorry. I have to work on that – I have to go.’
Before Mia could say anything else, Johnny had scuttled off.
‘I can drop Riley to school and you home,’ Charlie said.
‘Thanks, Dad,’ Mia said, but she was annoyed with Johnny fo
r rushing off like that, especially now, after what had just happened.
They walked to the coffee shop across the road from the hospital. Rob ordered coffee, cake and buns.
‘We need sugar and comfort,’ he said, placing a big plate laden with food on the table.
They all looked at it, but no one felt like eating.
Adam reached into his jacket pocket and pulled out two velvet pouches. Looking at Mia and Riley he said, ‘Now that I’m thinking clearly again, I want you to know how much it means to me that you have been so brilliant to Izzy and to me over this godawful time. I wanted to give you these as a thank-you from me – well, from Sarah – to you.’ He handed one to Riley and one to Mia.
‘What are they?’ Riley asked.
‘Something of Sarah’s that I know she’d like you to have and that I want you to have. Izzy helped me choose them.’
Riley opened hers, and gasped. It was a pair of diamond stud earrings. ‘Oh, Adam, are you sure?’
‘Positive. You’ve been a rock, Riley, and I’m sorry I was so awful to you.’
Riley grinned. ‘These will help me forget a lot quicker.’ She pulled out her little silver studs and put in the diamonds.
Mia’s hands were shaking so she took a little longer to open her pouch. Inside was Sarah’s Tiffany necklace, the one she wore every day. It had a thin silver chain and a diamond S. ‘Oh, Adam.’ She burst into tears.
He reached for her hand. ‘It’ll keep her close to you. No one deserves to wear it more than you.’
‘Thank you. I’ll never take it off.’ Riley helped her with the clasp. Mia held the S to her neck and felt a rush of warmth.
Charlie patted Adam’s shoulder. ‘Well done. That’s a lovely gesture.’
Adam took a box out of his pocket. ‘This is for you, Charlie.’
‘I don’t need diamonds.’ Charlie smiled.
‘It’s not.’
Charlie opened the box. Inside he found a lock of Sarah’s hair. ‘Oh … oh … it’s …’ He picked up the lock of hair and held it tenderly in the palm of his hand. ‘My golden girl,’ he whispered. ‘Beautiful.’
Seven Letters Page 35
