by Lisa Shelby
I have no idea how long we just sit and I breathe in and out and try to figure out how to breathe without her.
“Yeah, man I really need to get out of here. You guys don’t have to leave though. I can just get an Uber.”
“No, we’ll take you home Jonathan. You go…we go,” Gabby interjects.
“Let me run to the bathroom real quick,” I say and turn to go.
As I leave the bathroom downstairs at Kells I instantly get a whiff of the strong smell that is coming from the cigar room. I don’t smoke but I have spent lots of time in that room with the guys that do and for some reason the smell gives me a small sense of calm. Calm is something that I really need right now.
Taking in one last breath, I lift my head to look up the stairs before heading up and there she is stopped three steps above me, looking scared to continue her journey to the bottom of the stairs.
“Hey,” I say.
“Hey,” she says back as she takes two more steps pressing her back to the wall. She’s as far on the other side of the stairwell as she can get and is now one step higher than where I stand.
“So, Mick’s your brother, huh?” I huff out sarcastically.
“Yep, you two work together, I hear?” She asks meekly and clearly to make polite conversation.
“We do,” I say with my arms crossed not giving her anything.
“So, have you been in Portland long?”
She’s trying to make conversation and I’m just making things awkward by being so cold. I know that I tell myself that I hate her. But it’s just not true. Seeing her, right in front of me, clearly feeling uncomfortable in my presence makes me feel like an ass.
“Four years. Devon talked me into it,” I say trying to lighten my tone and be nice.
Awkwardly, she says, “Oh. Well, that’s great.”
I have no idea why, but I just have to know if she’s with him when I ask. “So, you know Riley?”
“Uh, I do. We went to school together, but I haven’t seen him since I moved to California.”
Thank Christ!
“You just visiting or do you live here too?”
“I just moved back into town this week. Alex came down and made the drive with me and Cami this past weekend. I’ll be staying with Mickey for a while.”
Great, she’ll be living in my neighborhood. That’s just fucking karma for ya right there. And who the fuck is Alex?
“Cool.”
My one-word answer makes her uncomfortable and she starts playing with her dragonfly necklace, just like she always did when she was nervous.
“You still have your necklace, I see,” I say with a nod of my head in the direction of her hand on the necklace.
Her hand stops moving and she says so quiet that I can barely hear her. “You remember?”
“I remember everything about those nine days, Gracie. I always told you that there wasn’t anything you did or said that I didn’t remember. And I remember it all. Right up to the last minute.”
Chapter 10
Emily
Standing in the stairwell of Kells, it feels like my worst nightmare has come to life. I’m finally face to face with Jonathan again—just like he said we would be—and he hates me.
“I remember everything about those nine days, Gracie. I always told you that there wasn’t anything you did or said that I didn’t remember. And I remember it all. Right up to the last minute,” he growls. This is not the way I had always dreamed this would go. No, this is right out of my nightmares. It’s almost like I can hear disgust in his voice.
Not knowing what else to say I reply. “You do?”
He’s now talking through his teeth like he’s seething. He leans forward, just inches from my face, and says with all the barely contained rage that I can feel radiating off of his body. “It wasn’t me that wanted to say goodbye and not try the long distance thing. That was all you, sweetheart. I don’t tell somebody I’m in love with them and then just leave them blowing in the wind. No…that would be the way you do things, sugar.”
I just stare at him. Who is this person standing in front of me? Where is the Jonathan that I fell in love with? He looks like my Georgia and smells like my Georgia, but his eyes seem dark and he looks tired and seems so angry.
Then with so much venom I nearly jump from the sting of it he asks, “So, you still not available?”
Not answering him I just say, “I have to go!” and run up the stairs forgetting that I ever needed to use the bathroom. I resolve not to shed a tear in front of him or in front of anybody in this bar.
I see Riley behind the bar once I am back upstairs and ask him if he’s seen Cami and Alex. He points in Cami’s direction with a concerned look on his face. I don’t give him a chance to ask if I am okay, but I do ask him to call us a cab and I turn to find my best friend.
I find her talking to Devon and Gabby and it only takes one look for her to know I need to leave. She knows me better than anybody and with a quick goodbye to the happy couple and a text to Alex—who will get a ride home with her boyfriend that met her there—she and I are out the door. I hate that she was with Devon. I hate that he could see how upset I was and I am sure will tell Jonathan. This night just keeps getting better.
I manage to keep it together until we’re in the cab, but the moment the door closes, the tears fall.
“He hates me, Cam. I knew he would and he does,” I sob into my hands. Cami brings her arm around my shoulder and pulls me into her so she can hold on to me while I fall apart.
“Emily, he doesn’t hate you. You were just the first bad thing in a string of worse things that happened to him, and I’m sure seeing you brought it all back to the surface for him,” she says as she pulls away but keeps rubbing my back. I am so confused.
“What are you talking about, Cam?”
Her eyes fill with tears and I can tell that what she has to say isn’t good. Cami is strong, but even this is hard for her.
“Well, Devon just told me that while they were in Afghanistan, Matt was killed in an IED explosion, and as their squad leader Jonathan takes the blame and still hasn’t forgiven himself.”
“Oh God! No! Not Matt…Oh God Cami…Poor Jonathan…Devon too. That’s horrible.” I have this instant need to turn the cab around and run back to him and hold him. But I think he made it pretty clear that’s not what he would want.
“That’s not all, sweetie. Two months later, Jonathan lost his mom. Apparently, she had been sick when he was home, but she didn’t tell him and he had no idea at all. It totally blindsided him and Devon says he hasn’t been himself since. So you see, chica, he lost you, Matt and his mom in a matter of months. He doesn’t hate you, you just remind him of the worst time in his life.”
“Oh my God, Cami!” I feel like I can’t breathe.
“I didn’t mean that to sound so harsh, Em. I just want you to know that he doesn’t hate you. If he didn’t love you as much as he did, losing you wouldn’t have been up there with losing Matt and his mom, but according to Devon it is.”
I sit in the back of the cab and I sob. No wonder the Jonathan I knew was gone. His mom was his everything and he loved Matt like a brother. The fact that he couldn’t save either of them has to be too much for him to even come to terms with. The fact that I could have anything to do with any of his pain is almost too much for me. My poor Georgia.
“Oh Cami, I feel so horrible for him. I wish there was something that I could do, but I don’t think he even wants to speak to me. He was so cold and was practically seething with anger at me.”
She continues to rub my back while I sob all the way to her apartment.
When we get to her place—that is covered in unpacked boxes from her recent move back home with me—we go straight to her room where she throws a night shirt at me and insists I change. She puts me to bed and covers me up. She sits next to me on the side of the bed while I just lay there staring at the wall.
“Chica, I am sure this was not the reunion you had envis
ioned. I know you’re hurting right now, but try not to take it personal. He’s been through so much, sweetie. Seeing you tonight was just as much of a shock to him as I’m sure it was to you.”
“Just the thought that I could have been a part of creating the version of him that I saw tonight is unbearable. I…I…I feel like I need to do something for him, anything. I wish I had been there for him. I was so selfish, Cam. I didn’t even tell him my last name or give him my phone number. I wasn’t there for him when he needed me most.”
I sit up in the bed and throw the blankets off of me. I can’t breathe. Before I know what I’m doing I start pacing the room.
“Em, stop.”
I keep pacing.
Cami grabs me by the arms and yells into my face.
“Emily Grace Jacobs! Stop!”
I stop next to her bed and look my best friend in the face. The person that is always there for me. Some people go to priests. Some go to shrinks. I go to Cami.
“Em. Take a deep breath.”
“I should have told him, Cam. I should have given him the choice. Maybe we could have at least been friends and then I could have been there for him when he needed me most. How could I have been so selfish?”
“Em, you were scared, you weren’t selfish. You, yourself, were at the beginning of something life changing and you had just been devastated by somebody else the week before. You were in self-preservation mode and it was easier to walk away from him than possibly endure any more rejection than you already had. I get it, chica, and I am so sorry it was a decision you ever had to make but it’s not your fault. Even if you had said yes to trying to make it work, he still would have lost his mom and Matt.”
I know she’s right, but I still can’t help but think that I’m to blame for him turning into the man that I saw tonight. He looked the same, and for the love of all that’s Holy, he still smelled the same. But he was so cold and there was no light left behind his eyes. But I still felt it. I felt it in that first moment that our eyes locked onto each other. That electricity…that connection was still there.
“Cam, I still felt it. The moment I saw him I felt it. Even though he was cold and hurtful it didn’t matter. The moment I touched him…Cam…it was overwhelming and just like it was five years ago. He hates me and I’m still in love with him.”
Cami, wipes the lone tear that is slowly making its way down my cheek and then hands me a much needed tissue.
“Honey, he’s the love of your life. Of course you’re still in love with him.”
“Cami, come on, that’s a bit dramatic, don’t you think?”
“Had you ever been in love before Jonathan?”
“No.”
“How about since?”
“Cami, you know the answer to that question. Why are you doing this to me?” I whine like a petulant child and throw myself on the bed.
“Because it may have only been nine days, but Em, he was the one. The worst part of it is that you let him get away. Now, we know you can’t go back in time and you aren’t the same person he met in San Clemente five years ago but neither is he, Em. You’ve both been through a lot since then and that’s bound to change you both.”
She walks over to where I am and flops herself down on the bed next to me. As we both lay on our backs staring at the ceiling, she grabs my hand and we lay there for a few silent minutes.
“You may not be the same girl you were when he met you but one thing I’m sure of is that I have watched you turn in to an amazing woman these last five years. You are so strong, Em. I am so proud of you. Maybe when you’re ready…and he’s ready…you guys can sit down and talk about things.”
“Thanks Cam, and I really do love your optimism, but if you had seen him tonight…well you would realize that there is no way he will ever feel like talking to me.”
“Well, keep an open mind and if the opportunity presents itself and just remember, no regrets. Now let’s get you to bed. You need to sleep and hopefully you’ll feel better in the morning.”
I know that she’s right. The two of us have always vowed to live our life with no regrets, but right now I’m full of them.
I’m not sure how, but I do fall asleep. I dream of hazel eyes, dimples, cottages and walks on the beach.
Chapter 11
Jonathan
I really can’t believe that I am spending my Saturday morning in this ridiculous spin class. Most of all, I cannot believe I let D beat me at a game of freaking Horse. I mean seriously, when was the last time I played Horse and since when do I let D beat me at anything? He has a horrible jump shot and I always beat him in hoops. But here I am…so I guess I don’t always win after all. Or maybe Horse is just not my game?
If I’m honest with myself though just being here is pretty damn cool. I could not be more proud of Devon for opening this place. The Gym is his baby and I don’t mind supporting him in any way that I can. He saved for so long and found the perfect business partner, and just a little over a month ago they opened the doors to their very own fitness club simply called The Gym.
The name is actually pretty damn perfect if you ask me. Nobody ever says they’re going to 24 Hour Fitness, they say they’re going to the gym. Pretty ingenious. But that’s Devon McCoy; he’s smart and when he sets his mind to something he gets it done. Kinda like getting me out of the house. He knows that I’ve been in a funk since seeing Emily last Saturday night and being here will probably do me some good.
At least it’s not Zumba. I mean I really should be grateful. Come to think of it I almost feel like Spin Class isn’t such a bad debt to pay after all, when Zumba could have been in the mix of punishments. Devon’s better half, Gabby, is the instructor this morning and I hear the lights are turned down for most of the class. So, there are a couple pros right there. It’ll be dark, Gabby is the instructor and it’s not Zumba! Thank God for small miracles.
I made sure to get here early enough to snag a bike in the back of the room. As I get my bike set for my height and get situated I see Gabby walk over to the light switch to turn the lights down. Right as she turns the lights down the entire room lights up when Emily, Cami and the same exotic looking brunette I saw with them at Kells, walk through the door. Talk about thanking God for small miracles.
The room is dark but I can still see them. Emily and Cami each give Gabby a hug and introduce her to their friend whiles she leads them to the three bikes she had saved for them up front.
God, she is just as beautiful as I remember. This morning with no make-up on and her hair up in a ponytail, she’s perfect. I only got to see her with the light on for half a second but that’s all I needed. I can see her shaking hands with the person on the bike to her right and introducing herself. I can hear her voice and it is so soothing. As always, she’s making those around her comfortable by introducing herself to the person next to her at Spin Class. Even at Spin Class she goes that extra mile without even trying. I haven’t said two words to the people on my left and right, but I’m an asshole so that’s to be expected. God, I want to hate her but she makes it impossible.
Just as Gabby turns on her mic and starts to talk to the class, I see Devon standing in the door way of the room with a shit-eating grin on his face that is directed right at me.
That fucker! This was a set-up. He knew she would be here today and now I know why I’m not in Zumba class on this fine August morning. He’s so going to pay for this. What. A. Dick.
I shouldn’t be surprised he set this up though. He chewed my ass Saturday night because apparently Emily was pretty upset when she left. He asked me what I had said to shake her up and I was honest with him. It wasn’t what I said but how I said it. I was cold. I was angry. He said that if I was trying to hurt her, I had succeeded, and that I should probably apologize to her. I strongly disagreed with him since she’s the one that tore my heart out of my chest, threw it on the ground and stomped it into the hot cement outside the Pier Side Inn five years ago. To this Devon replied that there may have been a
very good reason and that maybe I should try to find out what that was now that time has passed. To this I told him that when I asked her if she was still unavailable she just walked away, so clearly she isn’t available so why bother? He then proceeded to tell me I was an idiot and said we were leaving. When he dropped me off at home he not so gently told me to get some sleep and snap the fuck out of my ‘look how bad the world sucks’ attitude. Come the light of day though, I realized he was right and I’ve been wishing I had handled the situation better. I knew I would see her again one day but it didn’t go exactly how I had always dreamed it would go.
Before I realize it the class has started. The music is blasting through my ear drums and I’m cycling my ass off. It’s hot, it’s dark and it’s loud but I could give a fuck because in front of me is one of the best views I have ever seen. That view comes complete with Emily in an outfit that looks similar to what she wore on our hike, the day I kissed her for the first time. That was one of the best days of my life but it feels like it was a hundred years ago. I know that I have always said that I knew I would see her again, but this just all seems like some fantasy come to life.
I mean…when I moved to Portland of course I thought there was a chance I would see her, and I would be lying if I didn’t admit to myself that I look for her on the street fifty times a day just hoping I’ll bump into her. Then last week I finally do bump into her and what do I do? Jack it all up and treat her like shit. Looks like I’m the dick.
The thing is, I’ve spent the last five years thinking she must have been sick and dying. Why else would she have just walked away from what we’d found in each other in such a short period of time? Seeing her looking healthy, happy and still hot as fuck at Kells, sent me into a tailspin. I’ve been miserable for years and she couldn’t look happier. That just pissed me right off.
