by Lisa Shelby
Ireland leaves the room, and my mom comes and sits next to me on my bed. My phone is plugged in and lying on the bed next to me. I tried to call Jonathan all night long. I texted him letting him know how sorry I was, and that I didn’t mean what I said to Mick. That I knew what a bitch I was. I sent another text letting him know that I had told Mick everything, starting with meeting in San Clemente, and up to the moment that I ruined everything.
“Talk to me, Emily. What’s happened?”
I fill my mom in on everything since we last talked at Mick’s BBQ. She doesn’t speak, just listens. When I finish my story, she pushes some of my wild hair behind my ear and gives me a little smile.
“You did mess up, Emily. I can’t imagine how bad hearing those words must have hurt him. He needs some time to cool off, but I am sure he’ll talk to you, sweetie. You two have too much history to throw it all away. You need to show some humility and explain it all to him once he’s ready to listen.”
My mom ends up sticking around and makes lunch for Ireland, Mick and myself. She and I watch a movie with Ireland, but I really just sit and think about Jonathan. After spending every day of the last week with him, I miss him terribly. Not only do I have the guilt of hurting him, but I miss him.
It’s Sunday. I know that he’s going back to work tonight, and there’s still no word from him. I am checking my phone incessantly, but he still hasn’t returned my calls or texts from the night before. I’ve tried to leave him alone today, but knowing he’ll be leaving for work in a couple of hours I have to try one more time.
Gracie: Please talk to me. I am so sorry. Mick knows everything.
Gracie: I miss you.
After dinner my mom heads home. Mick has gone out, and I still haven’t heard anything from Jonathan. I go through the motions of Ireland’s bath and bed routine for the night. I get her tucked in and her story read but I’m not really there. I’m just trying to get through what’s left of the day without breaking down. The last thing I want to do is to try and explain to Ireland why I’m upset. How do you tell your little girl that because you were too immature to deal with your own feelings, you might have lost the best man you or she have ever known? You don’t, because she will want to reason with it, and there is no reason for my behavior, except cowardice. Plain and simple. I was a coward. I hurt him. Now we are both paying the price.
After I leave Ireland’s room for the night I go to check my phone, grabbing it off my bedside table and preparing myself for more disappointment. My heart nearly stops when I turn the phone over in my hand and I see that I have a text from him.
Georgia: Elka’s at 1pm tomorrow?
Georgia: I miss you too.
Oh thank God! My hands are shaking as I text him. I know he’s already at work, but I need to respond. I don’t want to let another minute go by.
Gracie: Thank you and I’ll see you there at 1pm.
Gracie: Have a good night and be safe.
An hour or so after replying to his text—and feeling like I can breathe just a little bit again—I’m in the bathroom drying my just-washed face off and getting ready for bed, when I hear Mick say my name and knock on the door. He has his own bathroom so why the hell is he bugging me? Maybe Ireland woke up? Crap, not tonight. I’m emotionally exhausted and really don’t want to deal with a nightmare or wet bed. I take a deep breath, and let him know I’ll be right out.
Only a few seconds pass when Mick speaks again in a low, calm voice that worries me. “Emmers, you almost done in there? I need to talk to you.”
I open the door as I continue to apply my nighttime moisturizer and with a bit of sass and irritation, snap. “Geez, Mick! What do you want?”
I can tell the moment I see his face that something is very wrong. I know in an instant that I don’t want to hear the words that are about to come out of his mouth.
“Emmers, there was a shooting at work. Bob Truman was shot and killed and, Em, Jonathan was hit, too. It’s not looking great, so we need to get you to the hospital right away okay? I called mom and she’s on her way over. She’s gonna come stay with Ireland while you and I head to the hospital.”
For I don’t know how long I just stand there in shock, and all I hear is the beating of my heart as it thuds through my body. The loud pulsing is all-consuming as I stand there staring at my brother, but not really even seeing his face. This cannot be happening. Not now. Not ever. This cannot be happening.
In shock, I walk past Mick and into my room where I change my clothes and get my shoes on. I quietly go into Ireland’s room and stare down at my baby girl, and vow to do anything in my power to always protect her to the best of my abilities. I give her a gentle kiss on the forehead and then quietly leave her room. I join Mick in the living room while we wait for my mom to arrive. We don’t speak, we quietly wait in silence.
Chapter 36
Jonathan
Beep…beep…beep…
What the hell is that noise? I’m in some sort of dream that has this incessant beeping noise that just won’t end. It’s hot, it’s dark and I have a raging fucking headache. I feel like I’m walking through a fog that’s too thick to penetrate, and I can’t seem to get out of it. I’m trying to find Emily. I can hear her voice in the distance, but I can’t get through the fog to find her.
Why won’t my eyes open? I feel like I’m fading, and the dream and Emily’s voice are slipping away.
Beep…beep…beep…
The fog is back. My head is still throbbing, and I can hear her voice again. I’m trying hard to get through the fog to get to her, but I just can’t get through it. I need to get to her. We have so much to talk about. Why can’t I reach her? Why am I trying to get through this fog with my damn eyes closed? Why can’t I open my fucking eyes?!
Open your eyes, you idiot! For Christ’s sake, open your damn eyes!
I’m tired and the dream is starting to fade again.
I never do find her.
Beep…beep…beep…
I can hear Emily again, and this time I can hear Devon too. I need to wake the hell up. I need to get out of this damn fog. They sound closer than before. I hear her telling him how stupid she is and that she’ll never forgive herself. Devon is reassuring her and telling her that I’m going to be okay and that the two of us will figure our shit out once I’m awake. This isn’t a dream after all, what’s happened to me? Why can’t I wake up?
Beep…beep…beep…
It’s quiet except for the loud beep that will not stop echoing in my damn head. My head still hurts like a son-of-a-bitch and my neck feels hot as hell. It doesn’t hurt like the back of my head does though. It almost feels like it’s on fire. It’s so quiet that Emily and Devon must have left. How long have I been asleep? Did she give up on me? Did she leave again?
I give it everything I have and finally feel my eyes start to slowly peel open. What I see when my eyes finally do open makes the effort worth it, and takes my breath away. Sleeping soundly curled up in a small chair right next to my bed is my sweet Gracie. She didn’t leave…she’s still here…she didn’t fucking leave. Everything hurts, but the relief I feel seeing her here, curled up in that chair makes me feel like I might just be okay.
The feeling is somewhat short lived when I try to speak her name. Shit that hurts. What the hell happened to me? Every time I try to say her name I feel like I’m trying to speak through a throat full of gravel. I know that I can do this. I need to see her open those beautiful blue eyes of hers; those eyes that reach into my soul and take away all my pain. I need her to comfort me like nothing and nobody else can.
I try once, twice and then on the third try, I finally get her name out loud enough to cause her to stir. When she does finally open those captivating pools of blue and it sinks in that I’m awake she gasps and is out of the chair and holding my hand in a flash. There are tears streaming down her face, and she keeps kissing my hand, scanning my face for what I don’t know, and saying how sorry she is over and over.
“Oh my God, let m
e call the nurse.”
“Emily,” I grunt out.
“No baby, don’t talk. Just take it easy, and wait until they come in and check you out.”
I nod my head to let her know I will obey, and I don’t miss that she called me baby. Fuck that feels good.
It’s all I’ve ever wanted.
Just to be hers and for her to be mine.
I don’t take my eyes off of her. She holds my gaze and my hand, and her tears keep streaming down her face.
“It’s so good to see those eyes that go with that handsome face of yours. It’s been two days, but it feels like two years. I got you baby, you’re going to be fine,” she says still holding my hand as the nurse comes in and starts to check me out. She’s an older, round woman who looks like somebody who gives great hugs.
“Good evening, sir. Well, I guess it’s good morning now. How are you doin’ Mr. Kelly? I’m Nurse Jackson and I’ve been looking after you.” I instantly feel comfortable with her, she has that mama bear thing about her.
“My throat and my head hurt.” I manage to grunt out.
“Well, that’s not a surprise,” says a man’s voice from behind Nurse Jackson.
A short, grey haired man with a comb-over steps into view, and pushes his glasses up on his nose with his forefinger. He leans over in front of me and lifts each eyelid while flashing his little light in each of my eyes.
“You had a close call, Officer Kelly. You were shot. Do you remember the shooting?”
“No, I don’t really remember much. I know it happened really fast. Truman called for backup. When I got there the passenger got out of the car with a gun in his hand. I heard a bang and then that’s it.”
Fuck that hurt! My throat is killing me!
Seeing the grimace on my face the doctor says, “I know that hurt, Officer Kelly, so let’s try not to talk too much more if you can help it. We had a tube down your throat during surgery, and that’s probably why it hurts so bad. Nurse Jackson, can you bring Officer Kelly some ice water, please?”
As if she was expecting his request, she is right there with a beige plastic cup of water complete with a straw. I start to try to lift myself to drink, but Nurse Jackson gently pushes on my shoulder, shakes her head and brings the straw to my lips.
Emily is still holding my hand on the other side of the bed. She’s squeezing it so hard I think she may break it, but you couldn’t pay me to ask her to let it go.
Once I have my water down, Nurse Jackson moves out of the way, and the doctor moves back in so he’s right in my face and pushes his glasses up again.
“Officer Kelly, my name is Dr. Green and I performed surgery on you last night. You were shot in the head on the right side, just behind your ear, and the bullet left your body through your neck. You are a very lucky man, and most certainly have a guardian angel looking out for you.”
Make that two. I think to myself.
“The bullet didn’t hit any vital organs or any major veins or arteries. During your surgery we made sure that all of the bullet fragments were taken out and that we closed up the entry and exit wounds. We’re going to need to keep you here for a few days to monitor you, but if you take it easy I think you will heal just fine in no time.”
Wow, I was shot.
I am in a state of shock at hearing that news. It all happened so fast that I don’t even really remember getting hit. I remember turning to yell at Truman, but I don’t remember getting hit.
“Do you have any questions for me?”
I hear him ask the question, but I’m still lying here trying to imagine how it is that I don’t remember getting shot. Shouldn’t I remember something like that?
“Okay, well it’s a lot to take in, but if you do come up with any questions just let Nurse Jackson know, and she can page me. Or press the call button and somebody can come get me. You take care now, and we’ll step out and give you a moment with your girlfriend before we let anybody else in. If you don’t want guests, you just let us know and we can keep visitors out for you.”
Girlfriend? Did he just say my girlfriend?
Once we’re alone Emily asks, “Are you okay?”
I start to open my mouth to answer her, but she stops me and starts rambling. But it’s a ramble I will never forget as long as I live.
“Wait, don’t say anything. I need to get this out before you have a chance to kick me out. So, please just listen to me. Please hear me when I tell you that you are so much more to me than a good time. I know what you heard me tell Mick, but that was bullshit. Jonathan, I don’t know why I said it, well I do. I was scared and stupid and didn’t want to deal with Mick yet. I told him everything, Jonathan. I told him our entire story from the first day I met you until now. He gets that I am completely in love with you, and that he will just have to deal with it. I may not have fought for you before, but, honey I am here and I am fighting for you now. I beg you to forgive me. You are the last person on earth I would ever want to hurt. You mean so much to me, and I will do everything in my power to never hurt you again. I’m not perfect. I will make mistakes. But will you forgive me? Can there still be a you and me?”
I am awe-struck by this phenomenal woman standing before me. My scared little Gracie just told me she loved me. At least I am pretty sure that’s what I heard.
“Emily?”
“Yeah?”
She looks scared to death as she replies.
“Did you just say that you loved me?”
Her face lights up with the most beautiful smile I have ever seen.
“I did! I love you! I know this is the worst place to say it, and it is so selfish of me with everything you have going on right now, but I couldn’t go another minute without you knowing. I’m in love with you, and last night was just another reminder that life is short, and Ireland and I don’t want to miss another minute with you. That is if you still want me…us?”
“I really can’t believe you, Emily. Do you really think there is a chance in Hell that I wouldn’t want you? I have been in love with you since the first time I laid eyes on you. You’re it for me. You always have been. I love you right down to your bones, baby.”
My beautiful Gracie stands before me with tears streaming down her face.
“So, you forgive me?”
It hurts like hell but, I need to be perfectly clear how I feel for her right here and right now. No more pussy-footing around. I just need to keep it short and sweet, but crystal fucking clear.
“Gracie, I love you and I forgive you. You are mine and I am yours. And I want the whole world to know it. No more hiding. If we dance in the dark again—and I hope we do—it’s not because we’re keeping our love a secret. So, I hope it’s clear, and I mean crystal clear, that we belong to each other and nothing is going to come between us again.” She gives me a nod as tears continue to stream down her face. With one last scratchy sentence, I seal the deal. “Now, come give me a kiss.”
Chapter 37
Emily
I find myself nearly skipping through the hospitals doors when I return after Jonathan sent me home to clean up.
He loves me!
Jonathan Kelly loves me and forgives me!
I cannot believe how lucky I am to have him walk back into my life. Not only did he walk back into my life, but he fought for me. He had to shake sense in to me, but he did it. Even after I let him down he’s forgiven me, and he’s mine. I’ve been his since I walked away from him years ago, but now he’s mine as well. Now it’s time to get him on the road to recovery and home as soon as possible so I can help him get back on his feet.
He didn’t want any visitors when he woke up in the middle of the night last night. His throat hurt, he was exhausted and he wanted some alone time with me before others started invading our space. Of course there were nurses and doctors coming in and out of the room, but our eyes rarely left each other’s even when they were talking to him or checking his vitals. He finally sent me home early this morning so that I could get cleaned up
. After only being gone a couple of hours, I feel like I haven’t seen him in days and can’t wait to get back to him.
As I walk off the elevator and enter the waiting room, there is still a big crowd of people, our people.
I’m realizing more and more now, that my entire life the police department has been my family, and they are Jonathan’s family too. As a kid I didn’t appreciate the family that comes with your father being a police officer. As scary as the job is, I’m so glad that Mick and Jonathan both have such a big support system; people that would do anything from help you move to give their life for you. I didn’t think I wanted this life after watching my parents’ marriage crumble, but now it’s something I plan to embrace and appreciate.
I notice as I get closer to the group—many of whom were here when I left—that they all seem a bit more down than they did when I left. Mick sees me, and heads my way, he also lets out a big breath like he’s preparing himself for the conversation he’s about to have with me. My heart rate picks up speed and I can feel myself start to panic.
“What Mick? What’s happened? Tell me he’s okay? He was fine when I left!” I ramble as he approaches me. I can feel eyes watching me but trying not to be obvious. What the hell is going on?
“Emmers, he’s okay. He uh…just doesn’t want any visitors.”
“What do you mean, Mick? What are you not telling me?”
I can tell that he’s trying to be quiet and not cause a scene. I’m the one raising my voice, but I am so confused.
What is he trying to say?
As I wait for him to answer, he takes me by the arm and we move to the back of the room away from everybody else.
“Em, they finally told him about Bob not making it and he isn’t taking it too well.”
