by Lisa Shelby
It’s been a week since Mick walked out of that bathroom.
A week with no contact.
I haven’t smiled in a week. Well, I haven’t smiled a genuine smile in a week. From the moment I stepped out of that bathroom my mask was back in place. My heart was breaking but there was no way anybody would ever know it. Being unhappy but appearing happy as a clam is what I’m good at. It’s what I know.
I left shortly after midnight and cried all the way home. I cried myself to sleep. I didn’t leave the house the next day. I didn’t answer my phone when Emily called. She said she needed to talk to me about something, and I knew that something was her brother. I didn’t want to talk about it.
I know I’m doing this to myself. He’s put it all out there. He’s ready to commit. But I keep breaking both of our hearts because I won’t even give us a try.
When I did finally talk to Emily and Cami they were kind enough not to mention Mick. I don’t think I could take whatever they would have shared about him. If he’s hurt and upset, I will feel horrible that I could make the one person who always rescues me and makes me feel safe and cared for feel less than adored. If he is happy and back to dating I will be heartbroken. No, it’s best that they don’t share. My heart and my soul couldn’t take it.
If I have to find a bright side, it’s that this time away from him is making me move on. I have no option. I know that there will never be anybody else, but I have to try to move on.
Move on from what?
We weren’t even in a relationship but it feels like I’ve just been through the worst break up of my life. Imagine how badly it would hurt if we were together. No, that is not an option. I have to live my life and for that reason I’ve let Olivia set me up with a friend of hers. But that’s not what I want. I want to not be me. I want to be carefree. Go to a random club, meet a random guy, don’t ask his name and bring him home so he can help me forget. That’s what I want to do but that’s not me. Instead I’m going on a blind date.
Standing in front of my closet I just stare blankly. It’s not that I don’t have anything to wear. It’s the fact that I have no desire to go out with anybody. I don’t want to do this. All I can think about is Mick. He’s my best friend and I want to call him and talk about tonight. But I can’t. He wants space.
Enough! Get your shit together, Stotts!
It’s Portland so I don’t have to dress up for a place like Trifecta. Some skinny jeans, flats, light sweater and infinity scarf will do. It’s not in a great area, but it’s a hip, cool place with great food and drinks so you just overlook the interesting surroundings as you walk from wherever you may find street parking. Tonight, I only have to walk a couple of blocks and through twenty or so hipsters to get to the restaurant. Not too bad.
When I enter, I’m greeted by a hostess and before I even get a chance to say I’m meeting somebody here Keegan is standing up from a booth waving.
“Thank you, but I think I see the person I’m meeting.” I make my way over to the first booth on the right and say, “You must be Keegan?”
“That’s me. I knew you were you the moment I saw you. Olivia sent me a picture of you and you look just like your picture.” He shakes my hand and it’s like a dead fish. There is nothing behind his handshake and I can tell he’s nervous. But I didn’t feel anything.
“Nice to meet you, Keegan. You look just like your picture too.” And he does. He’s tall, thin, blondish-red hair, and glasses. I guess he’s kinda cute but he’s not really my type. I only have one type. I only want one person. But he needs space. So, I push on.
“Have a seat and we’ll order you a drink as soon as the server comes by again.”
“Thank you,” I say as I take a seat.
“So, you work with Olivia? She said you were beautiful, but she really didn’t do you justice.”
Feeling a bit uncomfortable after his compliment I reply, “Thank you. Yes, we’ve worked together for a year or two. How do you know her again? She said you had some mutual friends.”
“Yes, I used to date a friend of hers, but I stayed friends with her boyfriend Bryce after the break up.”
“Oh, how long has it been since you’ve been out of relationship?” Seems like a good place to start since he’s talking about a break up, right? Oh God, I so don’t know how to date.
“It’s been about a year and a half. She was the love of my life and she left me for somebody else. She moved to the other side of the country to be with him. I still can’t figure out what happened…” And just like that we spend an entire meal talking about his ex and everything that went wrong and what he could have done differently. Thank goodness we managed to order food and I now have my flatbread pizza to entertain me.
Once we’re finished eating he realizes his mistake. “Oh, shit! I just spent our entire meal talking about my ex. You must think I am such a loser.”
“Nah, it’s no problem. We all have our stuff.”
I guess that is one great thing about Mick. He may have lots of no name one night stands but there are no exes to speak of. Nobody he’s loved and who has broken his heart. Why didn’t I ever see it that way?
But yes, Keegan, I do think you are a bit of a loser.
“Well, thanks but let’s order dessert and you can tell me about yourself.”
I don’t want to be rude but there is nothing here. I don’t want to waste any more time. I know what it feels like when there is a connection and it’s not here at this table.
“You know, I am stuffed and don’t think I have room for dessert. Thank you for the offer though.”
“No problem. Let me pay the bill and we can get out of here.”
He heads to the bar to get our bill from our bartender/server. He must be on the same page as me because he didn’t seem too upset that I wanted to cut things short.
What a relief. I would love to just bail and run out the door while he’s not looking but that would be rude, so I wait. A few quick minutes later and he’s back.
He stands next to the table and extends his hand to help me out of the booth. After I’m out though he doesn’t let go of my hand. He just re-adjusts his hold and holds my hand as he heads to the exit.
Once outside in the cold January air he smiles and with a flirty lift of his brow he says, “So, your place or mine?”
What the hell? What did I miss?
Trying to get out of this without causing a scene I reply. “Thanks for dinner, Keegan. It was great to meet you. My car is over two blocks so I’m just gonna head that way.”
Clearly not getting it he says, “Cool, my car is that way too. I’ll walk you to yours and I can follow you to your place.” He grabs my hand and my mind is racing. I am not big for causing a scene but I really need to do something to make myself clear. My mind is scrambling to find the right words to let him down easily. Oh God, I hate dating!
We’re already to my car when I finally say, “Thanks again, Keegan, but I think I’m gonna call it a night.”
“It’s only 9:30, Alex. The night is young and I’m sure we can find a way to pass the time.” He pushes my hair behind my ear and I flinch. Where is this coming from? I haven’t given him any indication that I wanted to go there. I mean, seriously? Didn’t he just talk about his ex the entire meal? What is wrong with this guy?
“Keegan, I really do need to call it a night. I did have a good time though and it was really nice to meet you.”
Just as I reach for my car’s door handle he pushes me against the car and leans in to kiss me. I try to push back on him, but he just keeps pressing into me. “Keegan, no! I’m not interested.”
“Oh, come on, Alex. We could both use some fun. Don’t tell me you don’t hook up. A girl as hot as you? I have a hard time believing that.” Now’s he leaning in and I have both of my hands on his chest trying to push him away.
“Believe it! Now, get the fuck off of me, asshole!”
He lifts his hands and takes a step back. “Wow, what a prick tease. I guess that
’s an hour and a half of my life I’ll never get back.”
I ignore him and get in the car as he turns to walk away. I can’t help it when I yell after him. “I guess we know why your girlfriend left you for somebody else! You're a dick! Please lose my number!”
I don’t wait for his reply. I start the car, lock the doors and pull my car away from the curb so fast that the tires squeal.
Whoa…did I just do that?
Did I just tell him off?
Since when did I have it in me to tell somebody off? Especially, a man!
I am so proud of myself!
I feel like celebrating!
Of course, the person that I want to call to brag about my sudden growth of lady balls isn’t speaking to me. During dinner all I thought about was Mick. I know it’s only one date, but this one crappy date makes me realize what I’m missing. Or rather, who I’m missing.
I have a man in my life that makes me happy. He makes me feel safe. He makes me feel sexy and smart and he wants to be with me. What is wrong with me? I know he wanted space and I’ve given him a week. It’s time for me to put it all out there just like he has. It’s time to put my new lady balls to work. Time to stop being scared of being hurt and give Mick a chance. By giving him a chance I might just be giving myself a chance. A chance at happiness.
I turn my car in the direction of Happy Valley and am beside myself with excitement. I’m doing it! I’m gonna take a risk and go for it! I blast my music and sing along to every song that comes on during my thirty-minute drive to Mick’s house. I should be planning my ‘please give me another chance’ speech, but I’m too happy and excited to think straight right now.
When I turn down his street, I lower the music and start to prep myself for what I’ll say when he answers the door. I pull into the driveway and check myself in the mirror. I add some gloss and fluff my hair, and then me and my lady balls open the car door and try our damnedest not to skip up to his front door.
I take the first two steps up his front porch and see the light coming out of the front window. I take a look in the window as I take the third step and I can’t move. I feel cold. I feel sick. I feel like every feeling I had on the way here was a lie. My world starts to slowly crumble around me. But brick by brick the wall around my heart starts to rebuild itself right here on the spot.
When I feel the first tear fall, I quietly turn back down the steps and I race to my car. I can’t get out of here fast enough. How could I have been so stupid? All this time, I knew what I was doing when I said that I wanted to just be friends. I should always go with my gut.
After my confrontation with Keegan, and then the poor decision that lead me to Mick’s front steps, I feel dirty. I need a shower. I crash through the front door, slam it shut and lock it behind me. I rip my clothes off and leave a trail behind me as I sprint to the bathroom and throw the shower on. I spend the next thirty minutes under the scalding hot water trying to erase the vision that is now burned into my eyes.
In a haze, I manage to put on a t-shirt and throw myself in bed. I will not shed anymore tears. My mask is back in place and I think I agree with Mick about needing space. I need a lot of space. Like years of space.
I finally fall asleep with visions of a couch. A couch that has a shirtless Mick on top of an equally topless blond. I fall asleep feeling empty and alone.
Again.
Mick
“I’m sorry, Melissa. I’m just not feeling it tonight.”
“It’s Jessica! What do you mean you’re not feeling it?” she says sitting up grabbing her bra and shirt off of the floor and covering herself.
Fuck! What was I thinking?
Pulling my shirt over my head and getting dressed I say, “Sorry, Jessica. I really shouldn’t have brought you here tonight.”
“Really, well that would have been nice to know before you had me on your couch with your hands all over me and my boob in your mouth.”
“To be honest, I was using you to try to get over somebody else, but I’m just not ready. Sorry to be so harsh, but it’s the truth.”
“Wow, my first impression was right. You really are a dick, Mickey Jacobs!”
She’s right. I am a dick. I used her and it’s not cool.
“I’m really sorry, I know this was messed up. You have every right to be pissed.”
“Whatever. Just drive me back to my car.”
After a silent drive back to the bar, she jumps out of the truck, calls me a dick again and slams the truck door. Normally, I would freak out on anybody that treated my truck like that, but I barely register it. My mind is on Alex and the fact that she had a date tonight. That’s the only reason Jessica was at my house. I was pissed and thought if Alex could do it, so could I.
When Emily told me that Alex had a date tonight, I lost it. I know I said that I wanted some space, but what the fuck? I tried to act like I didn’t care, but Emily saw right through me. She told me that she thought she was trying to get over me and trying to move on.
“Em, I didn’t want her to get over me. I just needed some space so that I could be around her without wanting more. God, Em. I know she’s your friend, and I’m sure you hate this, but she’s the one, sis.”
Emily pulls me into a hug. “Mick, do you really think you can be with just her? Can you commit to a relationship? Alex has been through too much and I can’t let her knowingly get hurt. She’s a good girl, Mick. If you aren’t 100% sure that you can be faithful, then you need to let her move on.”
“Damn, Em. You must really think I’m a piece of shit.”
I start pacing the room. I feel like a two-year-old about to throw a God damned tantrum. Pacing helps bring me down a notch. Right now, I need to be brought way the hell down.
“Not at all, big brother. You’ve just always said that you could never commit to one woman. That’s always been your ‘thing’.”
“I know, you’re right. It’s my fault but I’m done with that life. I want the real thing and I want it with Alex. Why is that so hard for everybody believe?”
“Well, talk to her. It’s been a week since your party. Don’t call her tonight because she’ll know I told you about her date, but talk to her. It’s just a first date tonight. You know Alex, she’s not the type of girl who’s gonna go sleep with some random guy on the first date.”
I’m done wearing the carpet down. I can’t stay here. I think I might just go crazy if I spend another second in this house. Hearing her name in the same sentence that even refers to her sleeping with somebody else makes me sick.
“Sorry, Em but I gotta get out of here. Thanks for the talk. I’ll see you later.”
I hear her shout after me. “Call her tomorrow, Mick!”
I don’t reply. I jump in my truck, and as though she’s on autopilot she drives me right to my beloved Kells.
Once my ass is on the bar stool in front of Riley I have one goal in mind.
Get laid!
It’s been months and the one woman I want is out on a fucking date with somebody else. Besides, we’re ‘just friends’ so I guess I could have done this weeks or months ago. How could I have been so stupid to think that I wanted more?
That’s not me.
This is me.
After a couple of hours my ass is starting to go numb from sitting on this damn stool. The night hasn’t gone quite how I expected but just as I think maybe I’ll head home, I feel a pair of breasts on my back and feel somebody breathing into my ear.
“Hey Mick, how’s it going?”
Shit, it’s that blond that called me a dick last time I saw her.
“Hey, how’s it going…”
“Jessica, my name’s Jessica.”
“Nice to see you again, Jessica.”
And just like that she was practically in my lap the rest of the night. We made out in the bathroom and then she was ready and willing to take off to my place. She’s a real class act. It may be wrong on many levels, but if this is what it takes to get over Alex, then so be i
t. Classless blondes never stopped me in the past, why should they now?
Now, here I am pulling into my driveway alone and it’s only 11:00.
I wonder if Alex is home yet.
I wonder if she had a good time on her date.
I wonder what the hell I’m going to do.
I want to drive over there right now, but the thought of seeing her with somebody else makes me sick to my stomach.
Chapter 18
Alex ~ February
Standing here in the drizzle of Portland rain, I feel nothing.
I am void of emotion.
I know that I should be feeling something. Pain. Sadness. Relief. Grief. At the very least, cold from this wet frigid weather. But I haven’t felt anything all day. Instead, I’ve been playing the role of the doting daughter to my grief-stricken mother. I’ve got my black dress on and my mask is firmly in place. I know that I should be feeling something…but I don’t.
From the moment my mother called me frantic and sobbing to tell me that my father had passed away I’ve been on autopilot. It turns out my father had a stroke in his sleep, and he never woke up. I don’t really feel much about that fact.
When she told me what had happened, I could tell that it bothered her that I was simply matter of fact about the news. She kept asking me if I was okay, and I almost thought about turning on the waterworks to make her feel better, but I couldn’t. I couldn’t fake the emotions this time. I know she wishes that I loved my dad just a little bit more, but in the end…in the end I think she gets it. To be honest I can’t understand how she can feel so much loss for a man that treated her like his personal punching bag for decades, and who hasn’t really been around for years now.
Maybe it’s me. Maybe I’m a horrible person. Should I forget the past and mourn the father I wish he had been? Am I supposed to forgive him for the years of abuse? I know that everybody expects me to be devastated like my mother, but I can’t bring myself to pretend anymore. I still have the need to make everybody around me happy, but since I shared my truth with those closest to me on Christmas, I don’t feel the need quite so strongly. Even though my mask is on, so that pretenses are kept, I can’t bring myself to conjure up tears or to feel distressed over his loss.
