by Lisa Shelby
“What?”
“What do you mean, what? That was freaking amazing!”
I feel the smile break across my face. “It was, wasn’t it?!” I throw my head back laughing. She holds her glass up to mine and we bring them together once again! “Man, that felt good!”
“I bet it did. I’d say those baby steps just took a giant leap! You go, girl!”
In this moment, I feel strong. I feel confident. I feel good and it’s because of me. I did it all on my own. I may be taking baby steps, but I’m on my way!
Chapter 19
Mick ~ April
I’m lost.
I no longer know who I am.
I know who I want to be.
I know who I want to be with.
But she won’t talk to me.
She won’t return my texts.
I stopped trying weeks ago.
I haven’t seen her in months.
I know that I said I needed space.
But it only took one lonely week.
One lonely week, and one night of trying to be with somebody else.
That was all it took and I knew that I couldn’t be without her.
I know she wanted me too.
New Year’s Eve was proof.
She had caught up.
She had finally caught up!
Just as she had always feared, my old ways came back to haunt us.
It ruined us.
One ghost from the past and she was gone.
After Emily explained what Alex had seen, I did everything that I could.
I texted.
I called.
I banged on her door.
I sent flowers.
I even emailed. I mean, who emails anymore?
Emily says that if she’s this upset that it must mean that she cares.
I know that it’s self-preservation on her part.
The thing is…she was the one that was going on a date.
I only did what I did because she broke my heart.
She decided to move on.
I didn’t cheat on her.
Cheating would mean we were more.
She wouldn’t give me more.
She didn’t even call me when her dad died.
Now I need her.
Last night at work has really fucked with my mind.
I need her.
I know it’s early on a Saturday morning but I feel like I can’t get through this on my own.
Sexy Beast: Hey, it’s me.
No reply.
Sexy Beast: I know you don’t want to talk to me but I need you, Alex. Last night at work was a shit show and I feel like I’m drowning. I know it’s early but could you come over?
Sexy Beast: I don’t know why I’m asking when you haven’t talked to me for months. I had to try though. We can talk about what happened back in January or we don’t have to. I really don’t care if we say a word. I just need you, Alex. Please…
I don’t know what I expect. She hasn’t talked to me in months, so why would she talk to me now?
Thirty minutes go by and she hasn’t replied. I can see that she received the messages just seconds after I sent them. I think that’s what hurts the most. She knows I need her and she hates me so deeply that she can’t even text me back. How did we go from where we were to here? Since when is Alex the type to not return a call or message even if it’s to say that she doesn’t want my friendship any longer? I know that it would have been hard on me too. If I had seen her with another guy…well, I don’t even know what I would have done. But we weren’t together! She didn’t want me!
I know she saw me at the funeral and I know she saw me at the courthouse for the sentencing of that douche of an ex of hers. She can’t return my text? This is not the Alex I know.
Just as my shitty day is getting significantly shittier, I hear a soft knock at my door. Or did I? Maybe I’ve actually lost my damn mind this time. It was bound to happen at some point. Maybe today is that day?
I hear the knock again, but this time I sprint across the room and throw the door open.
She’s here.
I can’t breathe.
I can’t speak.
She’s here.
Stepping out onto the porch, I pull her into my arms and hold her like I never thought I would again. Because I honestly didn’t think that I would.
“You came.” I can’t help but inhale her scent. I have missed her so much.
She wraps her arms around me and snuggles into my chest. It’s almost as if she needed this just as much as I did.
“I came.”
I can’t believe she’s in my arms. I needed her and she came. Thank, Christ!
“Thank you.” I can barely get the words out. I am so thankful that she’s here.
She’s so embedded into me that I can feel the heat from her muffled voice on my chest when she asks, “Should we go inside?”
“Oh shit, yeah. Come on in.”
I step aside and let her cross the threshold where she’s greeted by Frank. He looks pretty grateful to see a sane person enter the house. The poor guy hasn’t known what to do with me for months, and I know that he can tell something is wrong with me this morning.
She squats down and gives Frank scratches behind his ears and says, “Good to see you, buddy. You taking good care of your daddy?” She looks up at me with concern on her face. There’s something more in her eyes, though I’m not sure what.
“Ah, he takes good care of me. He’s a good boy.”
She stands up, puts her purse down on the floor next to the couch and slides her flip flops off. She sits down crossed legged in the corner of the couch. She doesn’t have a stitch of make up on and her hair is piled on top of her head in a messy bun.
She is perfect.
“You look exquisite, Alex.”
“Mick, I do not.” She looks down at her oversized hoodie and yoga pants and shakes her head. “Mick, I’m already here. You don’t have to sweet talk me.”
“Alex, I mean it. You are the most stunning woman I have ever laid eyes on. To have you here in front of me again means everything. Thanks for coming over.”
Not letting me do anymore ‘sweet talking’ she says, “Do you wanna talk? What happened, Mick?” she’s not being rude but it’s clear she isn’t here for pleasantries.
I join her on the couch but I give her space and keep a couple of feet between us. “I need to explain what happened the night you saw what you saw, Alex.”
“No. I’m not here to discuss the past. I’m here because my friend needed me. I don’t want to talk about that night. I have to try to push it out of my mind on a daily basis. I don’t want to talk about it.”
There it is. She said she’s my friend. I don’t know what I expected, but she’s here. It’s better than nothing, I think as I sit with my hands clasped in my lap and my head hanging low, just staring at my hands. I don’t know how to start this conversation.
We sit for what feels like hours but I’m sure it’s only minutes. She scoots over, so that she’s close enough to take one of my hands in hers. “I’m here when you’re ready, Mick. I’m not going anywhere. Take all the time you need.” She rests her head on my shoulder and holds my hand until I’m ready. The room is silent. Frank isn’t even snoring. It’s so quiet that when I do speak, I feel the need to whisper.
“Alex, I don’t even know how to start. There are just some calls that affect me and I have a hard time letting them go. My last call this morning was hard.” I stop and try to take some cleansing breaths to gather myself, but I can feel myself shaking. I can’t look at her. This isn’t my manliest of moments and she probably thinks I’m a total puss. “Sometimes a call can take you from one emotion to another. My body just can’t seem to let go of all of the adrenaline once it’s over. When I got home a couple of hours ago I was still dealing with the panic that I felt on the call. I just can’t seem to calm down. The only thing I could think of was you. I just felt like if I could hold you in my arm
s it might calm me. Everything might be alright. I know that’s not a line you want to cross and I get it. I just appreciate you being here.”
She squeezes my hand to let me know that she heard me and then she waits again. She’s letting me do this at my own pace. She knows me. She knows that there are times that I need a moment to gather myself. This is one of those times. I keep replaying the morning over and over in my head. I just want to make it stop, but I don’t know how.
I let go of her hand and rub my hands over my face and through my hair and say the only thing that I can seem to get out right now. “Fuck!”
She doesn’t say anything.
In place of words she repeats what she did at Riley’s, months ago. She crawls into my lap, wraps her arms around my neck and lets me nuzzle myself into my spot. My favorite spot. My arms wrap around her and I hold on for dear life. Before I know what’s happening there are silent tears slowly falling down my face and onto her collarbone. I don’t know where this is coming from. I don’t do this. Ever. I think it’s the emotions still brewing from the call and having her in my arms on top of it all.
I’m not able to look at her when she pulls back from me and I can feel her looking at me. With one of her petite hands on either side of my face she gently places a kiss on each of my closed eyes and then take her thumbs to wipe the tears from my face. I open my eyes and I see something different shining back at me. It’s not pity. It’s compassion. Or maybe it’s passion. I’m not really sure, but something has changed.
She rises from my lap and takes my hand to help me up. Wordlessly, she continues to hold my hand as she walks in front of me. We make our way across the living room, down the hallway and take the stairs that lead to my room. Once we enter the master bedroom, she shuts the door and leaves the light off.
I am so confused.
She lets go of my hands and unzips her hoodie, shrugs it off and lets it fall to the floor. She reaches for the hem of her shirt and pulls her shirt over her head. My heart is beating out of my chest. Why is she doing this? Does she think this is why I asked her to come over?
“Alex, you don’t have to do this. It’s not why I asked you to come over.”
Her soft hands are on my face again. “Shhh…let me take care of you, Mick,” she whispers as she leaves a delicate kiss on my lips and takes a step back. She pulls her hair out of the bun on top of her head and her long, dark hair falls all around her. The word I used earlier comes back to mind. Exquisite.
She’s standing in front of me in only her black bra and black yoga pants. Yes, she looks unbelievably hot but that’s not what’s going through my mind. All I can think is that she is the most beautiful person I know. Inside and out. The part that is making it hard to breathe is the look of reverence and love that is pouring out of those stunning eyes of hers.
She takes off her bra next and then her pants. To see that she is going commando under those tight as fuck yoga pants is fucking hot, but it still isn’t what’s on the top of my mind. It’s there, but it’s not the most important thing happening right now. The important thing is that the woman I have been in love with my entire life is giving herself to me.
She wants to take care of me.
It’s more than I could have ever dreamed or deserved.
She closes the distance between us to take my shirt off and she is so close that the moment my shirt is off, her breasts are pressed against my chest. She presses her warm lips to my heart and then brings her face up to mine. Her eyes never leave mine as she pulls my shorts off of me and lets them fall to the ground. She rises up on her tip toes once again and kisses me. Her tongue seeks permission to enter and soon our kiss grows deeper. Her hands are in my hair and mine are roaming up and down her back.
Still not saying a word she takes my hand and leads me to my bed. She pulls the blankets back and lies down on the sheets below. Her hair is fanned out underneath her and she looks like the sweetest thing I have ever seen.
She pulls on my hand so that I join her on the bed. I’m following her lead so I just lay on my side and prop my head up on my hand and lightly trace the curves of her body with my forefinger. I’m not going to assume anything. I am just going to follow her lead.
She brings her hand back up to my face and says, “Mick, make love to me.”
“Alex, are you sure? I don’t want you to do something you aren’t ready for because you think it will make me feel better. That has never been what I’ve wanted. I want you, Alex. All of you.”
She rolls to her side so she can look me in the eye. “That’s what I want too. I want you to have all of me, Mick.”
“Baby, why now?”
“Mick, make love to me. Give me everything you’re feeling. Let me take it from you and we’ll talk later.”
I don’t think she has any idea what her words do to me. It’s like I can feel my heart filling with her every word. Until this moment I had no idea how empty I was. In this moment, she is giving me the most precious gift that anybody has ever given me. I take a beat to look at her. All of her. I know this isn’t our first time, but it’s been years since we’ve been together. What’s happening between the two of us right now is different. I don’t want to miss a single detail.
I methodically crawl over her body and rest my weight on my forearms. I kiss her forehead, each cheek, the tip of her nose, her chin and finally drop my lips to hers. I could kiss her forever but I don’t. I make my way to her neck and up to her ear. There are a million things I want to whisper to her, but I also don’t want ruin this perfect moment. I explore her neck all the way down to her collarbone. There is no greater place on this earth than right here. I could kiss, lick and nibble on her neck all night but there is so much to explore.
I take my hand, and glide it down her sternum and in between the two most perfect breasts I have ever had the pleasure to lay my eyes on. I bring my left hand to her breast and gently drag my fingers over her hardened nipple, while I take her other unoccupied nipple into my mouth. Her back instantly arches and forces her breast even deeper into my mouth. Her reaction to my touch makes my already hard erection throb. I want nothing more than to be inside her, but I need to savor this. I will not rush this moment.
Alex is a woman who should be cherished. I know how fortunate I am that she is giving herself to me in this way. I know about her past. Her most recent experiences with sex were not pleasant or consensual. For her to give herself to me means so many things, on so many levels. The most important thing to me is to make her feel good. And that is just what I intend to do.
Taking her other nipple in my mouth my hand makes its journey over her flat stomach and over her hip. I can feel her jump when I hit that spot just above her hip bone, and she quivers in anticipation. When my hand finds her warmth, she is more than ready for me. She opens her legs to grant me more access. I slowly rub my thumb over her bundle of nerves and she moans. It’s a sound that I will never forget as long as I live. I will dream about this sound for the rest of my days. When I fill her with first one finger and then two she makes another sound that will be stored away in the recesses of my mind. I find her mouth, and as I increase the speed of my fingers, I kiss her like I have never kissed anybody. I feel her tighten around me and feel her come around my hand as her moans fill my mouth.
I start to make my way down her body to give her even more pleasure when she grabs my shoulders and says, “Mick, I need you inside me. Please.”
“Alex, I wasn’t planning this. I don’t have protection.”
“I’m clean and I’m on the pill.”
Tucking her hair behind her ear I confess. “Sweet Thing, I’ve never been with anybody without protection. It’s been months since I was with anybody.” I can tell by the look on her face that both of my statements surprise her. “Alex, since the night you crawled into my lap at Riley’s, that was it. I haven’t wanted anybody since. I know you may not believe me, and we’ll talk about that later, but I swear there hasn’t been anybody, baby.” She gives
me a slight nod of her head as a sign of her acceptance of my statement.
I can’t help but slide my hand over her breast and down to her hip bone again. I know I will never tire of touching her body. I use my hand to spread her leg a little further and I center myself so that I am right where I need to be. I hover over her and look into her beautiful face and can’t believe that this is actually happening.
My Sweet Thing is here.
In my bed.
Asking me to make love to her.
I think she takes my pause as doubt on my end and she tries to reassure me. “Baby, this is what I want. You are what I want. I’m sorry it took me so long, but the moment you opened that door this morning, I knew. If you still want more then I’m yours, Mick. Please let me take your burdens away. Give me everything. I can take it.”
My heart is soaring. I don’t know how to contain my emotions. What her words have done for me is so much more than what she is doing to my body. I can feel the tears filling my eyes, but I don’t let them fall. I will not cry twice. Not gonna happen.
Slowly, I sink into her warmth and the sensation is more than I could have ever imagined. I know it was great when we were together before, but having the emotions behind the actions is like nothing I’ve ever experienced, and it’s more than just because we’re skin to skin. As I slowly move in and out of her, I lower to my elbows and place them near her head and interlace my fingers within hers as we hold on to each other. It’s then that I realize why this is so different. It’s the first time I’ve ever made love. That’s what this is. We’re making love and for the first time I feel like a man worthy of her love.
There’s a connection between the two of us that is palpable. Our eyes never leave each other and I can feel a change in the atmosphere. Our connection is so powerful that it’s almost overwhelming. I can feel her running through my veins. This woman soothes me and makes me feel like I have a purpose. Nobody has ever eased my pain the way she does. The way she is. Right now. I’m never letting her go.
More.
