by Ginny Dye
“But why, Mama?” Rose felt as if her world was spinning. She knew the truth, but she couldn’t bring herself to admit it.
Sarah smiled slightly. “Dat baby boy be as white as Miss Carrie. He even had blue eyes peering up at me.”
Reality hit Rose like a sledgehammer. “My daddy isn’t really my daddy?” she whispered in shocked disbelief. “Your John isn’t my daddy?”
Sarah shook her head, compassion flooding her face. “I’m sorry, Rose.”
“You mean Carrie’s granddaddy is my daddy?” She shook her head. “I’m half-white?” she asked. Her head was suddenly pounding, spinning with the shock of her discovery. Then another thought hit her. “You mean I’m blood related to Carrie? Why haven’t you ever told me?” she cried.
Sarah reached out and took her hand. “I need to tell you the rest of the story.” She squeezed her hand firmly and kept talking. “Miss Abigail didn’t know what to do. What Old Marse Cromwell done may have been all right on other plantations, but she knowed her husband didn’t see eye to eye with his daddy. And Old Marse took real sick right before I had dem babies.” She paused again, remembering. “Nobody seen my babies yet cause ever’one was out in the fields. Dey done decided the best way to keep from having any talk and scandal be to take the white lookin’ baby away.” Sarah paused again, tears in her eyes. “I got to hold my baby boy once before dey took him away. A carriage come rollin’ up and he was gone...”
“My brother is still alive?”
“I don’t rightly know. I ain’t never seen him again. Never was told where dey took him. It be like he wadn’t never born. Dey told me I wadn’t to tell nobody.”
Rose sat quietly, trying to absorb all she was hearing.
Sarah squeezed her hand again and kept talking. “My John knowed right away when he got home dat somethin’ was wrong. He thought somethin’ was wrong with you. He held you so tender - so proud to know he had a daughter.” She shook her head. “I couldn’t hardly stand it. I couldn’t keep the tears from pouring down my face. Well, John kept after me till I told him.” Once again there were tears on her face. “I just couldn’t stand losing another baby - not after my babies got killed in Africa. I didn’t rightly care who y’all’s daddy was. I was yo’ mama!”
Rose’s heart wrenched at the look on her mama’s face. She reached out and took hold of her other hand. She was shocked at how cold it was. “Mama...”
Sarah shook her head. “I ain’t told you all the story yet. John was mad clear through. All he wanted to do was kill Old Marse. Carrie’s daddy come down to the quarters when John was rantin’ and ravin’ in the cabin. Come right in without even our knowin’ he was out dere,” she said. “Marse Cromwell be a good man, Rose. But he was in a right sticky place. He understood how my John felt, but he had to take care of his daddy, too. He told us he mighty sorry for what his daddy done. Said he wished he could go back and undo it.” Sarah smiled wistfully. “Don’t all of us have things we wish we could go back and undo?”
“Was that why Daddy was sold?” Rose asked. “He’ll always be my daddy!” she added fiercely, her mind full of the last precious days they had shared together before he died.
“You right, Rose. My John was your daddy. He loved you as much as he could’ve loved any baby of his own,” she declared with pride. “When Marse Cromwell told him he would have to go away because he couldn’t risk any trouble, all John could think about was me and you. He told Marse Cromwell he would go away. And he promised he wouldn’t never say nothing about dere being another baby, but only if Marse promised to keep me and you here. Only if he promised to take good care of us.”
“My daddy said that to Marse Cromwell?” Rose whispered. She knew Carrie’s daddy was kind, but she also knew he felt that slaves were inferior people, certainly not in any place to make demands of him.
Sarah nodded. “Marse Cromwell promised dat day. He say he would take good care of us. He say he would make sure you grow up workin’ in the big house so’s you didn’t have to be a field hand. But I had to promise never to tell you. My John was sold the very next day.”
Rose stared at her. “And you had no idea where he was for eighteen years? Didn’t that tear your heart out?” She shuddered at the idea of being separated from Moses. It would be like part of her being ripped away.
Sarah nodded somberly. “I didn’t want John to go away. I told him we could go on the auction block together. I wanted us all to be a family. He wouldn’t hear nothin’ of it. Say he wadn’t going to take no chance of being split up and not knowing whether we all right. He say he trust Marse Cromwell to keep his word. And he did.”
Rose’s head was spinning from the revelations that had just been told her. Shaking her head in disbelief, she asked the only question she could think of. “Why are you telling me now, Mama? Why now after all these years?”
Sarah shrugged. “I done kept dat secret for as long as it need kept. But I don’t know how long I going to keep living and dat secret don’t need to follow me to the grave. I reckoned a long time ago dat you had the right to know the truth ‘bout where you come from. Why, you could maybe have a baby dat come out lookin’ white. What would you do if dat happened? What would Moses have thought?” Abruptly she changed the subject. “Your Moses be a good man, Rose. He be like my John. He loves you with dat burnin’ kind of love. He’ll take good care of you.”
Rose nodded absently, still trying to absorb all she had just learned. Finally she spoke. “Thank you, Mama. Thank you for telling me.”
Sarah nodded and squeezed her hands again. “You need some time to think through everythin’ I told you. I love you, Rose girl. You just always remember dat no matter how you got here, you had a mama and daddy who loved you with all deir heart - who would do anything in the world for you.”
Rose nodded, tears welling up in her eyes.
“You need to spend some time thinkin’,” Sarah said softly. “I’s tired. I think I lay down for a little while.”
Rose nodded, leaned down to give her a kiss, and walked slowly out of the cabin door. All she could think was that she had to find Moses.
Carrie had been riding for over an hour, so deep in thought she hardly knew where she was. Granite, seeming to sense her mood, was content to walk along quietly, his tail swishing constantly at the flies buzzing around his body. Every now and again, his head would bob sharply in protest against an invading marauder biting his neck, and Carrie would reach out to brush it away.
A sudden shout caused both of them to lift their heads at the same time. In the distance she saw Moses working with a group of the field hands. He was beckoning her over. She didn’t really want to be disturbed, but he knew she had seen and heard him. She couldn’t just turn and ride away. Sighing, she headed Granite toward him.
“Thought you might like to see this,” Moses said with a wide grin, standing back and waving his arm toward the field.
“What?” Carrie asked in a bewildered voice as she looked out over the brown field. Then she leaned from her saddle to look closer. “Look at that!” she suddenly exclaimed, leaping easily from the saddle. In a moment she was down on her knees, unmindful of the dirt. “Our first bean plants,” she said joyfully. Then she stood and looked down the seemingly endless rows of tiny bean sprouts that had just pushed their heads up to welcome the sun. “Think of all the people these will feed.”
Moses nodded. “I knew you’d want to see them. We can hope for a long summer and a mild fall. These beans went in mighty late, but they still have time to bear a lot of food.”
Carrie’s head shot up suddenly. “What did you just say?”
Moses looked confused. “What do you mean?”
“The last thing you said about the beans. What was it?”
Moses looked at her as if he was afraid the hot sun had gotten to her. “I said these beans went in mighty late, but they still have time to bear a lot of food.”
Carrie smiled and nodded. “Exactly!”
Moses waited
a moment and then asked carefully. “Am I missing something here, Carrie?”
Carrie laughed and shook her head. “I’m sorry, Moses. I know I’m not making much sense. It was something I’ve been thinking about. I had lunch with Sarah today. She said a lot of things that got me to thinking. I think I’ve been afraid that by the time I get off this plantation it will be too late to make much difference in the world.”
“You’re not but nineteen years old, Carrie!”
“I know,” she said with a smile. “But it seems like I’ll be here forever, just running this plantation. I can do everything I can now to make my dream come true, but I had been wondering what I’ll do if it’s too late. But you gave me the answer I needed.”
“I did?”
“Yes. Don’t you see? Even if I get started late, there will still be time for me to bear a lot of fruit, just like these plants can still feed a lot of people. Who cares whether they went in when most people plant crops? The people who eat this food will just be glad they went in at all.”
Moses nodded, appreciation lighting his face. “That goes for me too, I reckon. There will still be things for me to do when I leave this plantation.”
Silence fell between them as they stared down the long, even rows.
“Moses!”
Both Carrie and Moses heard Rose’s voice long before she appeared on her mare around the curve in the road. Every muscle in Moses’ body tensed. Carrie knew he was imagining trouble. She certainly was.
Rose rode up beside them, her eyes wide and her breathing irregular. “Carrie. I didn’t know I would find you out here.”
Carrie could hear in her voice that she was disappointed to see her. Why? She watched as her friend regained control and slid from the saddle to stand beside them.
“I just thought I would come out here to say hello and see how things are going,” she said casually.
Carrie knew she was lying, but had no idea why. Had she done something to upset her? She tried to hide her hurt feelings by climbing easily into her saddle and smiling down at the couple. “I need to be getting back to the house. I’ll see you later.” Then she turned and cantered off, her mind sifting through the possibilities of what could have made the shutters go down over Rose’s eyes.
She was still searching for a reason when she rode past the road leading down to the quarters. Suddenly she stopped and wheeled Granite around. She wanted to tell Sarah she had come to some conclusions about the talk they had. She wanted to thank her again for her challenge to think things through.
She rode slowly, taking deep breaths of the late afternoon air. The day was finally starting to cool off, especially in the shade of the tall oaks spreading their canopy over the dusty road. Late blooming honeysuckle lent a sweet perfume to the heavy air.
The door to Sarah’s cabin was open as usual when she rode into the quarters’ clearing. She was surprised when Sarah didn’t step to the door to meet her. Maybe she was still lying down resting. She tied Granite’s reins to the hitching post and walked over to the open door.
And stopped. She knew instantly.
“Carrie!”
She vaguely heard Rose’s voice in the distance, but she didn’t turn around. She was held rooted to the tiny step.
“Carrie! I’m sorry I was so silly back there. I’m sorry if I hurt your feelings. I just didn’t know what to say. I’m glad you’re here, though. I want us to talk with my mama.” Rose was speaking as she tied her mare up and hurried to join Carrie. Suddenly she slowed, as if finally realizing her friend wasn’t acknowledging her presence. “Carrie?” Her voice grew sharp. “What is it? What’s wrong?”
She was beside her then, peering into the tiny cabin. “Mama!” she screamed and then ran inside and fell to her knees next to the still body. Sarah was still sitting in the rocking chair next to the window. “Mama...” her voice fell off into soft sobbing as she lay her head on the white-clad lap. “Mama...”
Suddenly Moses was standing next to Carrie.
“Carrie?”
Carrie turned and looked up into his anxious face. “She’s gone, Moses. Sarah has gone to be with John. She’s gone home.”
CHAPTER SIXTEEN
“My mama may have been a slave, but she was the freest person I ever knew,” Rose murmured quietly.
Carrie nodded and slipped her arm around her friend’s waist.
Sarah had been gone for over a week. Still, Rose liked to come out to the grave. She could remember her mama’s words best when she was standing beside her grave. Every evening when the sun slipped below the horizon, she walked out to gaze down at the flower-draped wooden cross - and to remember.
“My mama left behind so much,” Rose said softly.
“I think maybe your mama lived life more than anyone I ever knew,” Carrie responded. “She told me one time that it wasn’t the material things in life that mattered. She wouldn’t be able to take them with her anyway. She said the only thing that counted was how much love you left behind.” She smiled. “Your mama left behind an awful lot of love.”
“Your mama loved everyone,” Moses said in his deep voice.
Rose edged closer to his towering body. The need for his physical presence had intensified since her mama had died so suddenly. It was only when she could feel him that she was sure he was there. She tried to stay busy during the days, but the grief over her mama was still too fresh.
Moses put his arm around Rose then, and the three friends stood together quietly. They didn’t speak again until the sun had flung its last golden ray and slipped behind a purple bank of clouds.
Moses was the one to break the silence. “I won’t never forget the first time I saw your mama. I thought she was an angel. I’d just been sold on the block - split from my family. I wasn’t nothing but a mess of anger and hurt. Your mama knew that. Her love that first night made those feelings a little easier to bear. Then she taught me how to let go of all that hate and hurt. I don’t know what I would be without her.”
Carrie nodded, remembering too. “Sarah has been like a mama to me all my life. She always knew what I was feeling. She was smart enough not to give me many answers - she just asked a lot of questions and let me figure things out. She trusted me to make the best decisions.” Tears filled Carrie’s eyes. “I’m going to miss her so much.”
Once again Rose felt the tears pouring down her cheeks. She didn’t try to stop them. Her mama had taught her that trying to control grief was like trying to dam up a river. You could hold it back for a while but sooner or later it was going to be stronger than your control. When it broke the dam, it would do a lot more damage than if you just let it flow natural like. She would cry for as long as she needed to. She knew that somewhere in the future time would work its magic and the hurting wouldn’t be so bad. “I had the very best mama in the whole world,” she whispered through her tears. “She’ll be right in the front of my heart for as long as I live.”
Finally she forced a smile and turned back toward the quarters. “I’m ready to go back now. Thank y’all for coming with me.”
When they reached the edge of the quarters, Rose and Moses turned toward their cabin.
“I’d like you to come to the house for a while if you would, please,” Carrie suddenly said.
Rose looked at her. “Got something on your mind?”
Carrie nodded quietly.
Carrie looked up from the sheet of paper she was holding in her hand. Moses finished lighting the lantern and sat back down on the love seat beside his wife. Carrie settled in the wing-backed chair across from them. “I got a letter from my father today,” she announced.
“Bad news?” Rose asked.
Carrie shrugged. “It could be. I really saw it more as a sign than anything else.”
“A sign?” Moses asked.
Carrie nodded. “My father filled me in on what’s going on. I told him I didn’t ever want to feel so detached from current events again. It’s all right being here on the plantation, but I don’t
like feeling so separate from the rest of the world. He’s been writing me letters every few days to keep me abreast.” She raised the paper, looked for her place, then began to read.
Our office received information today about one of the new bills to pass the House of the Northern Congress. We do all we can to stay in touch with Union politics. They are calling it the Crittenden Bill. Basically, it asserts that the war has been forced on the country by Southern malcontents. It also says the Federal government’s only aim in pressing on toward an assured final victory is to “Preserve the Union with all the dignity, equality and rights of the several states unimpaired.”
Carrie looked up as she got to the end of the first page.
“What’s all that really saying?” Moses asked.
Carrie frowned. “What it’s saying is that the war the Union is fighting is being fought in such a way so as not to affect the institution of slavery in the slightest degree.”
“Then what’s the South fighting this war for?” Moses asked. “I thought they were convinced the North was going to abolish slavery. I thought that’s what they were fighting about.”
“The South doesn’t believe them,” Carrie responded. “Politicians in the North are trying to duck away from the issue in hopes of ending the rebellion soon, but no one down here is buying it. Here...” Quickly she scanned the letter and picked up her place again.
Only two of their senators had enough guts to be honest about what they really believe. One was Congressman Riddle from Ohio. I at least admire his honesty. When someone tried to get him to change his vote, he let them have it. Told them slavery was doomed to die, and every sensible man knew it. He told them when it died it would not be simply voted out of existence - it would be abolished by convulsion, fire and blood. He believes the convulsion is the war we are in now. He wants the war recognized as the thing that will kill slavery.
