by Zara Zenia
I remembered how after the game, my stomach dropped through my body and had spilled out of my insides as I ran up to him and his face had flashed to embarrassment. I remembered with anguish how he’d made me feel that day, so belittled and small as if I were beneath him.
What are you doing here? He had whispered to me as I ran up to embrace him in an affectionate hug.
What do you mean? I had asked with confusion. The throb of hurt had already begun to collapse me after measuring his reaction to my presence.
He had pretended not to know me at the huge party celebration later that evening. He had told me to go home early, that I didn’t need to be there with him. He had looked me in the eyes as serious as he could and told me that the party was just for people who were involved with the team. I knew that lie before it had even finished escaping his lips.
I had glanced around me at the time, seeing friends and family of the other players all around us. They looked happy and engaged in their conversations. Not to mention, they appeared to be welcomed.
What are you talking about, Fred? I had asked him as my voice cracked in emotional pain.
Back in the present again, I shook my head and curled my toes beneath the sheets at the memory of the torment that I had gone through. I hated reliving the pain, but the shadows kept me awake and my mind was nowhere near sleep at this point.
Why don’t you want me here? I’m your girlfriend and you’re acting like I don’t even exist. My own voice stun me as it bellowed through my memory.
He had glanced around the room looking uncomfortable to be talking to me. I don’t know, Lucy. It seems like every time I see you, you are bigger than before. When are you going to go on a diet? You need to get control of your weight and your eating habits.
He might as well have shot a bullet straight through my chest with his hateful spew of words aimed directly at my shattering heart. The world stopped spinning and I slapped him across the face. I hadn’t meant to do it at the time, I was just so in shock that became my initial gut reaction.
Jesus Lucy, pull yourself together before you make a scene. Just go home. I’ll meet up with you later. Look, I’m sorry ok? It’s just a lot to deal with right now. I’m athletic, how do you think it makes me look to be seen with a girlfriend who is enormous? Don’t you care about that?
I had run out of the room before I could do something like throw up, scream or sob all at once. I couldn’t handle this, but I still loved him deep down and wanted his approval. I had hoped that nobody had heard him speak to me with such vile disapproval.
How stupid had I been back then to have thought he actually loved me? What an asshole. Now that I had seen the light or had some sort of epiphany, I couldn’t believe in retrospect how he had tortured and treated me.
How dare he, or any man for that matter try to project my self-worth just based on my physical appearance? Harkzak would never speak to me that way. Granted, I didn’t know him very well yet, but what I did know of him…he had more respect for me than that.
I had walked back to my car feeling as if I were a ghost. I had felt like I was a person who had existed in another life, but at that time was nearly just particles formed from the fog that hung in the air in that moment.
I couldn’t believe the representation of similarities that I was living in right now that had been so similar to that painful walk back to my car. I had felt immensely alone after Fred’s harsh words had rippled through me.
There was something different about the way I felt here, now in the present. Here I was, in another human’s beautiful apartment and she was happier here than she had ever been in her entire life back on Earth. That spoke volumes to me on vast levels.
Ella was my friend and confidant, and a fellow human. But Sallina and Lizana were my friends too, and they were Xicretese women. They had embraced me and allowed me into their lives just as if I had been one of them. There were no culture barriers as far as I was concerned with my new Xicretese friends. They understood me, and I them.
Back at home, female friendships were built on underlying petty jealousy and competition. Every time you thought you could trust a girl she would turn around and hurt you or stab you in the back.
There was no volume of trust out there in society, and you always had to watch your back when it came to other female friends. You never knew when one of them might betray you.
I had endured the same types of problems that Ella had, as a girl who came from a wealthier family. There were lots of girls who I knew who had used me just to come over for a swim in the pool or use my makeup. I knew they weren’t my real friends.
At the time, I had felt too lonely at the time to do anything about it because I was desperate for peer companionship. If they wanted to pretend to be my friend, then I guessed I could do the same thing in return.
Fred had mentally and verbally abused me for years. The only reason I had put up with it for so long was because I didn’t think anyone else would love me. I didn’t think they were capable of wanting to genuinely get to know me for who I was. Inside my bitter resentment, I knew it was because I wasn’t rail thin like most of the girls my age.
I had made myself deliberately blind to see the truth behind the smoke and mirror screens. There was also the fact to mull over that nobody really cared about me on Earth, or at least none of the people that mattered or that I wanted to care.
Ever since I had arrived on Xicret I hadn’t thought about my weight or any of the things that made me self-conscious back on Earth. In my mind, that should account for something.
I began to think about the option that maybe Harkzak and any other Xicret man who brought women here to this planet may have intentionally picked the broken girls who needed a lift and boost of compliments and love.
That thought swelled my heart with such beaming pride that I hoped that was really the accurate reason above all the rest.
Perhaps they came to Earth and secretly observed the girls who needed rescue. It certainly seemed to make sense, especially in the cases of Ella and me.
I couldn’t help but think that maybe his entire intentions were to look after me and provide me the option for a better life. At the time of my initial arrival, I had blinders on. Now, I was hoping that he really wanted to be my knight and shining prince. It helped that he was really a prince in real life, too.
I was wide awake now and my heart beating fast. I opened my eyes and looked out at the moon. There were not many differences between the Earth moon and the Xicret moon. The canopy of stars in the sky still hung over our heads here just as they did on Earth, twinkling with mystery.
I wondered where Harkzak was and then I began to feel badly for running out on him without allowing him to explain himself. I had needed the space though. It helped me emotionally to give myself some time to think and gain some advice from Ella.
I walked over to the edge of the bed and grabbed my dress off the chair. I had neatly folded them and placed them on the arm of the chair because Ella had given me a nightgown to wear so I would be more comfortable. She had been remarkably kind to me, and I knew I would have to owe her even if she insisted that I didn’t need to repay her.
I stepped back into my pants and shoes and pulled my dress over my head. I had to go out and look for Harkzak and let him know I had made my decision.
I couldn’t wait until the morning, I had to see his face and know what he was thinking. I was at the point now where I thought it was best if we communicated our doubts and fears to each other.
I silently crept down the hallway from the guest room, using deliberate effort to remain as quiet as I possibly could so that I wouldn’t wake Ella and her mate. I opened the front door and slowly slipped out, making sure to lock the door behind me.
I fully intended to explain everything to her later on. I just needed to find Harkzak and talk to him first while the epiphany was still fresh in my mind.
My plan was to first go back to Harkzak’s house. I hoped he would be in bed, so I
wouldn’t have to go on a hunt for him. I only hoped that he wasn’t out there somewhere in the city looking for me too. It would delay the heart and spirit of what I was desperate to discuss with him. This time I was ready to listen to the answers of fate and what it held for my future.
I allowed myself to think with my heart. It was the only way to survive and be happy. I’d finally figured out the secrets to unlock my own joy, and I needed to see Harkzak because he was the key.
Chapter Nineteen
Harkzak
The fog was thick that night and fluttered around in the air soaking the ground with fresh dew. I intended to remain on the front porch awaiting Lucy’s return. My heart refused to let go of the idea that she wouldn’t at least come back to talk things over with me.
I muddled over the idea of going out to find her, but my heart protested that option. If she returned to me, I would be right there waiting for her. I didn’t want to miss each other’s paths, so I would plant myself here.
The pain in her eyes after I had told her the truth still flashed in front of my brain. I was still feeling the aftershock and shreds of torment from that horrific encounter. My body was emotionally ravaged. The guilt from the secret and the lie had bubbled up to the point that it spilled from me like hot lava pouring down a mountain. I just couldn’t contain it anymore and even after everything that’s unraveled since, I stood by my decision to be truthful. I was a man of honor, no matter what happened.
Surprisingly, part of me felt a relief lifted off my shoulders even through the anguish of not knowing where Lucy was right now. It was the middle of the night and she was on a foreign planet in a new city she was unfamiliar with. I hoped she wasn’t scared, lost or alone. I hoped that whatever she was doing, she was taking comfort in something.
I had thought about going to look for her out in the night, searching for the one remaining flame of hope that I could find her. I was desperate to explain to her how much I was falling for her. I chose to stay put, just in case she did return and wanted to look for me. As soon as I saw her again, I’d want to wrap my arms around her and never let her go.
It wouldn’t do me any good to search the city far and wide if I had no idea where to begin my quest. Lucy had a mind of her own. She was steadfast and feisty. She could be anywhere. I knew it was best to let a smoldering woman cool off before I approached her.
I wasn’t a total reckless idiot. Living in Xicret my entire life had taught me a thing or two about how women’s brains operated, and I was done screwing things up with Lucy. I would give her the time and space she needed, and I would be ready to listen to her vent should she ever come back.
I had nodded off after about an hour of sitting cloaked under a warm blanket on the front porch. The sound of the rocking chair and the rain must have lulled me to sleep as it rubbed against the wooden deck. Even under the stressful circumstances, there was something serene and peaceful out there in the darkness and alluring quiet. Even though she called, I wasn’t going to give up my vigil of waiting for her to return to me.
The sound of crickets in the night filled the air all around me and gave me a false sense of pacification for the moment. I jolted awake after a few minutes, scared I’d missed something, or miss the return of Lucy.
“Lucy?” My voice expelled into the air and then evaporated into the fog, greeted by nothing but silence. My own voice clutched in my throat with unrecognizable anguish.
I stood up and looked around, my heart beating fast in my chest. I knew I had heard something, a rustling about in the trees or something. The wind had shifted suddenly. The hairs on the back of my neck and arms prickled with alarm. I could feel the presence of Lucy. I just couldn’t locate her…yet.
“Who’s there? Lucy is that you?” Hope clung to my lips and refused to escape. I was panting hard and sweating with nervous anticipation.
I jumped off the porch and ran up the driveway of my house. I saw a figure coming from around the corner. “Lucy?’ My voice was a boom and roar, slicing through the edge of darkness. The shape was still too far away to determine who or what it was.
The silhouette continued to walk toward me, their stride and pace moving quickly. Now I could tell it was a female because of the size and the shape of the body.
“Lucy is that you?” I ran closer to the figure, not even caring about any possible dangers. I could handle my own if it came down to an attack of some sort. I had to see her, touch her, smell her.
“Harkzak?”
The voice was a beautiful feminine sound to my ears and one that I recognized. The sound was like angels parting the clouds. It was as delicate and soft as warm water dripping down my back.
“Lucy?”
Her voice was music to my ears. I sighed with relief. Lucy came back to me and appeared unhurt.
“Yes, it’s me.” She stopped a few inches short of where I stood waiting for her.
She was hidden in shadows and I stopped too, waiting guardedly to see if I should envelope her in a hug or wait for her to make the first move. It was still too dark to see her face. She was still wearing the beautiful dress she had worn for dinner just a few hours before. She looked radiant under the soft glow of the moon.
“Lucy, I’m so sorry.”
The words didn’t sound valuable enough for the heartbreak I had sent her through. She had been straight through the center of the storm and I was mostly to blame. I knew a thousand apologizes couldn’t make up for what she’d lost.
“It’s okay,” she whispered to reassure me, but she still didn’t make any effort to move closer to me.
I swallowed hard as mental friction stood between us. Then, I dared a step in her direction. She didn’t take a step back in reaction, which I took to be a positive sign.
I extended my arms to her, wishing for her to embrace me. There was a slew of words I wanted to shout from the rooftops to her. I needed to explain myself to her.
“Lucy,” I began in a soothing whisper. I didn’t want my demeanor to scare her as we stood a few inches apart under the blanket of fog and between the dew saturated grass. “I know what I did was wrong, but I promise I never meant to hurt you.” I tried to sound as convincingly genuine as possible.
“I know,” she whispered back. Then, she moved a step closer. She was reeling in and tightening the terrible gap between us.
“Are you going to go home?” The answer to my question would probably rip my heart to shreds no matter what she said. My throat felt tight and dry. I gulped as I waited in the silence for her to respond.
“My head is a mess,” she admitted. She extended the agony even further by dodging the question altogether.
“Mine is too.” I nodded in agreement and took another deep breath and hard swallow.
“I can understand why you lied though.” She stepped even closer to me and now I could read her facial features under the soft glow of the moonlight. I wanted to touch her, to feel her skin close to mine.
“You can?” My voice was a shrill squeak, something foreign to a beastly man like myself.
“Well, sort of I guess. I mean I know you probably did it because you didn’t know what else to tell me and you didn’t want to hurt me.” Lucy’s voice reflected empathy and understanding.
“Yes!” I blurted out and stepped even closer with my arms out. “That’s exactly it. When I first saw your family and friends through the Looking Eye, I was under the impression that the visions we were seeing were true also. It wasn’t until I went back to my father later and told him the device was broken that he told me that everything a person sees through the Looking Eye is their worst fears realized.”
“Why would he do something so hurtful in the first place?”
Lucy’s question was laced with an innocence I wasn’t sure I could help her understand no matter how hard I tried. My father was on a different wavelength than most.
She had only met my father once, so she couldn’t gage his personality or his ruthless and callous behavior. After a few mome
nts of gathering my thoughts, I spoke again.
“My father is many things, but compassionate is not one of them.” It was the cold, hard truth.
“But he’s your father; doesn’t he look out for you?”
Lucy’s naïve mind couldn’t wrap her head around the fact that my own flesh and blood wouldn’t want to protect me in a paternal way.
I sighed. “In a way I suppose, but not one that you would find very passive.”
“I’m sorry to hear that.” She sounded genuine with broken sorrow.
“It just goes to show that not everybody’s life is perfect, Lucy,” I gravely remind her.
“I think I’m finished running from my problems now.” She sighed dramatically, and she had a tone of defeat in her voice.
“There’s no point in running from something that would just be easier to face up front,” I said.
She was young and had plenty of time to figure the world out both on her own and with my help. I was happy to oblige her along the path though.
Lucy glanced up at me as if she wanted me to give her all the answers to the problems of the world. “Should we go back to the house?”
“Yes, there’s no point in standing out here in the dark and fog,” I agreed with a nod and a glance back at the palace.
“Besides, I’m getting sort of cold.” She shivered beside me and chuckled nervously.
It had been the first time I’d seen her attempt even a wan smile since our fight at dinner.
“Come over here,” I directed with calm allure and she inched closer to me.
I reached around her shoulders and wrapped her up in the blanket I had been wearing on the front porch. It felt so amazing to finally have her tucked under my arms, safely where she belonged.
“Thank you.” She gazed up and smiled at me. Her expression was warm and kind.
“For what?” I asked. I reached out and stroked her soft cheek gently with my thumb. The contrast of our different shades of skin color blended and contrasted perfectly under the light of the moon.
