by Geri Krotow
Miles stretched his arm along the back of the bench, behind her neck. She rested her head on his arm and listened to his voice as she stared up at the sky.
“The result I can’t stomach is that he’s dead. Anita Perez is a widow and his kids will never know their father as more than a memory.” Ro’s voice cracked on her last word and she swallowed hard. She sat up straight and leaned over to hug her legs.
“Doesn’t it bug you that someone could be out there, a killer? How do we know they won’t hurt someone else?”
“We don’t. But I believe the truth will turn up. Maybe not while we’re on this case, maybe not even in the near future. We have to accept it however it plays out, Ro.”
“This is why you’re EOD and I’m support staff.” She rubbed her arms. “My training makes me need to get to the bottom of everything. I have to find the answers. It’s my job.”
“It’s your job when it comes to planning a flight mission. We’re talking about people behaving badly, here, Ro. Worse, it’s intelligent people behaving badly. They’re smart enough to cover their tracks, for the most part.”
“If only the sheriff’s people had captured a clear set of footprints from the top of the cliff.”
“They did their best, Ro. And so have we.” She felt the cool tips of his fingers on her chin. He lifted her face to his.
“Let it go. Just for today. Let’s forget about the wing, Perez, the whole thing. Can you do that?”
She blinked.
“I can try.”
* * *
THEY DEBARKED AT Victoria port and Ro was struck by the quaintness of the lush greenery all over the city. Rosebushes climbed and tumbled and crept over every stone wall and fence. Planned arbors looked as though they’d been painted by a Dutch master. Even this early in the season, the roses were blooming and her mind’s eye imagined the full vibrancy of the blooms in another month or so, when they’d be at their peak.
They walked at an even pace next to each other. Miles took her hand and she clasped his, reveling in the warmth they created together. When had a man last treated her like someone he cherished? Other than the odd dinner date that led to at most a few more dates, when was the last time a man had appeared to truly enjoy her company?
“What are you thinking? Your mind just drifted, didn’t it?” Miles didn’t miss a thing.
“I’m thinking I can’t believe how much fun this is—just hanging out. Nothing to do with work.”
“It’ll get better and better if we’re both willing to work at it, Ro.” He stopped, tugging on her arm. She turned and faced him. They were in Victoria, on a beautiful walk, alone among the rhododendron bushes that towered over them, their blooms a brilliant splash of yellows, reds, whites and violets.
The foliage blocked the constant wind that buffeted the island and Ro heard birds chirping. Nothing was louder than her heart, which pounded like the ferry’s motor.
“What are you afraid of, Ro?” He was so close, but didn’t move in to stop their conversation with a kiss. She leaned toward him and he held up his hand, his fingers on her lips.
“No, not yet. Tell me. What’s holding you back?”
“Um, our work schedules?” Even she knew that was weak. “Okay, do you really want me to tell you? I don’t trust myself to know what I want.” She tugged on his hands. “Do you remember the yarn shop I told you about? Winnie’s, in Coupeville?”
“Um, yes.” Clearly, yarn wasn’t what Miles had been thinking about.
“She actually runs a huge export business for fibers of all kinds. She needs someone to manage the shop. And as stupid and financially irresponsible as I know it is, I’ve thought about getting out and being an artist—a fiber artist. Running a yarn shop, maybe even owning it someday, would be a dream come true.”
“From what Max told me, it’s more than a full-time job. Winnie works constantly.”
“I’m not afraid of hard work, Miles.”
Miles was silent.
“Crazy, right? I’ve worked so long and hard to get here. All I’ve ever wanted was to have my own career. The academy was my ticket out of my home life and gave me a way to serve my country. I never thought I’d stay more than the minimum five-year commitment.” She bit her lip, then went on.
“You know how it goes—the navy draws you in. The sense that the job won’t get done unless I do it.” She raked her fingers through her hair.
“These past few weeks—no, longer...” She had to tell him. Miles deserved to know. And she deserved to know that she was strong enough to tell him the truth.
“Since we met, I’ve been changing. I suppose I would have come to this metamorphosis soon enough, but the very fact that you asked me out, risked having the other guys think less of you for dating a woman in uniform, spoke to my heart. It made me start thinking about what I really want out of life.”
They began walking, hand in hand.
“I was so sure that reaching twenty years and having a pension would be the be-all and end-all in terms of life goals and achievements.” A sob caught in her throat.
“Seeing Perez lying there, his life gone, it shook me. Then when we got together, it made me sad that I’d waited so long to give in to my feelings for you.” She stopped and turned toward him.
“I don’t want what I used to, Miles. I want more.”
“Just tell me I’m part of that ‘more,’ Ro.” His voice was low, and she knew his eyes were bright behind his sunglasses.
“Yes, I mean, that would be nice. But the logistics of it, Miles. Do you want to stay here? How long will you stay in the navy?”
His hands were on either side of her face and his lips crushed to hers before she could say another word, ask another question. His lips were cold but they warmed as she wrapped her hands around his wrists, urging him to continue kissing her.
* * *
MILES WATCHED THE sunlight play across Ro’s features as they enjoyed their second beer on an outside patio at a quaint café. They’d talked and talked some more as they went in and out of the city’s many souvenir shops. He’d told her about his volunteer work at the animal shelter, about Beau, the lovable Lab-shepherd mix. She shared her passion for knitting chemo caps, and how in spite of all the angst they’d caused her, she still loved her family. As long as she didn’t have to live too close to them.
“This has been the best day of my life, Miles.”
“You need to up your ante, sweetheart.” He clasped her hand and smiled. His chest was full of so much hope for them. Silently he prayed he didn’t screw it up.
“Maybe you’re right.” She laughed.
“I should have done this from the get-go. You deserve to be treated like the lady you are.”
“Knock it off, Warrant. I’m as much to blame as you—I didn’t agree to go out with you, remember?”
“Hmm.” He raised her hand to his lips and kissed her knuckles. A movement out of the corner of his eye caused him to pause and turn.
A man who looked a lot like Commodore Sanders was sitting at a table in a café across the street from them. Staring at them.
“What?” Ro sensed his alertness.
He turned back to her as though he hadn’t noticed anything amiss.
“Don’t look now, but I think Leo Sanders is across the street. Checking us out.”
She kept her attention rapt on him, never showed a break in her demeanor.
“Why would he be here or care what we’re doing?”
“Hard to say. It may have nothing to do with us. But my gut tells me otherwise.”
“Let’s do what you made me promise, Miles. Just for today, let’s forget about it. He’s probably here to get away from Karen.”
“Maybe.” Her lips distracted him and he claimed a kiss before he paid their bill. He wanted Ro to hi
mself.
* * *
“THIS IS MAGNIFICENT, Miles.” They paused on top of the rise, high above the Pacific Ocean. They’d hiked from downtown Victoria to an outer ridge. They passed several other hikers along the way but the wind and sheer beauty of the open space made them feel completely alone.
“It’s incredible, isn’t it?” He scanned the horizon and she watched the sunlight dance across his expression.
She wondered why it had taken her so long to admit her feelings for him, if only to herself. It was crystal clear to her that she’d fallen in love with Miles, probably before he’d ever kissed her.
She’d definitely broken most of her own rules in doing so.
“I’m so happy to share this with you.” He smiled and met her eyes briefly before he put his arm around her and pulled her close. They stood, her back to his front, his arms around her waist and hers resting on top of his, for a long while.
Ro gained a sense of security from the simple rhythm of his breath, the sure warmth of their bodies, how they fit together.
It’s okay to enjoy this. It doesn’t mean you’re committed for life or anything.
“Hmmph.” Her response to her mind’s rationalizations wasn’t meant to be verbal.
“You okay, Ro?” Miles’s voice was a soft murmur next to her ear.
“Absolutely.” She had to keep this light. Their bond had deepened far beyond that of colleagues or even friends, but her ability to give in to it completely was questionable at best.
If she were different, if she were the type who could quit the navy and just go after her whims, she’d have nothing to worry about. She and Miles could stay together for as long as it worked for them, after the case was closed.
“Miles, you know I’m supposed to transfer before the end of my three-year tour, right?”
His arms stiffened.
“Only if you want to stay in, Ro. It’s your choice.”
She turned in his arms and faced him.
“They don’t let us intel types stay on shore duty for longer than thirty-six months. I’m nearing the eighteen-month mark and I have to turn in my preferences for placement to the detailer.”
The detailer was the officer at the naval personnel command in Memphis, Tennessee, who would write her orders. In a single stroke, her fate for the next two or three years would be written orders that she was obligated to fulfill.
“There’s no chance of orders in the area for another tour, if you decided to stay in?” His question was loaded. It was in the weight of his voice, the way he held his chest just beyond her touch.
“Not if I want to keep my career headed in the right direction, no.” Her options were overseas, overseas, overseas. She’d had all CONUS—Continental United States assignments applicable to her rank and time in service, other than her deployed ship time and tours downrange.
“I can’t tell you what to do, Ro. Are you sure the navy’s going to give you everything you want out of life?”
She’d been resolute about her career. It was what she knew, where she was comfortable. Everything else would fall into place.
When she raised her gaze to his, her throat squeezed tight. Whatever sure response she had simply fizzled.
“Ro.” Miles lowered his face and she closed her eyes. Their lips met in a bittersweet acknowledgment of what they shared, what could be and what would absolutely never be if she stayed loyal to her career.
What about being loyal to yourself?
When he lifted his head, his breathing was labored and he drew her into a tight embrace.
“You haven’t asked me what I’m doing for my next tour, Ro.”
She pulled back.
“What are you doing?”
“I don’t know yet. I can take a position at the Pentagon, running EOD programs. My injury won’t keep me from anything like that.” He looked over her head out to sea.
“The Pacific Northwest has grown on me. Max started the commuter airline for the islands and it’s booming.”
“Yes, Winnie mentioned they’re as busy as ever.” Again, the shared connection.
Miles rubbed her upper arms. “Max offered me a job doing security for the airline. It’s a relatively small startup and he could be out of business in no time, but it could also be a great investment. I love it here, and if that didn’t work out, I’m sure I could find a job on base. They might even have a place for me as a civilian, conducting basic EOD informational classes and instruction.”
“Wow, you’ve given this a lot of thought.” She pulled out of his arms and held his hands.
“I’ve thought about a lot of things since I watched my dog die on that godforsaken field.”
She swallowed. Leave it to Miles to be such a damn hero about everything. He didn’t even mention that he’d lost his leg and almost bled out on that same field. He put everything in the perspective of another’s suffering—in this case, his dog’s.
Ro knew that such noble instinct wasn’t in her makeup.
“I think you should go for it, Miles. You’re right—life’s short and if being a desk jockey for the rest of your life isn’t palatable, the airline is a perfect option. You’d be able to go around to airstrips on the other islands, wouldn’t you?”
“Yes, with the occasional trip to Seattle for TSA training and such.”
“That’s great. You’d be crazy not to explore it.” Her stomach tightened and tears threatened to spill down her cheeks.
“What about you, Ro?”
He asked her the question again, but this time she heard so much more in his words. He was asking about them, about the possibility of a shared life.
“I don’t have the luxury to quit my job, Miles. I’m years from the minimal retirement. I won’t have anything coming in once I leave the navy unless I wait until I hit twenty.” Her twenty-year fulfillment wasn’t for another six. Two, most likely three, tours more.
“I need to take care of myself. I have to count on needing to take care of my mother at some point, too.”
“Bullshit, Roanna.”
Miles’s retort was as effective as if he’d waved a white flag in front of her face.
“Ex-squeeze me?” Her attempt at Will Ferrell humor was ill-timed.
“You’ve admitted that you’ve done too much for your family over the years. You’ve funded her cross-country adventures when she’s perfectly able to work for herself. She’s a trained nursing assistant—she can make a decent living and has since you stopped forking over a portion of your paycheck to her each month.”
Ro opened her mouth to stop him but he held up his hands. He’d really been listening at the family dinner.
“Your sister doesn’t need you—hell, Roanna, she sucked you dry, too. She took your fiancé, for God’s sake! When will you learn that some people are going to take and take from you?”
“I hear you, Miles, but even if I don’t provide for my family financially, I have to provide for myself. I don’t have a guaranteed pension.”
His eyes narrowed.
“There are other ways to earn a living and benefits, Ro.”
So he did think she was as crazy as her family. Crazier.
“I’m sorry, Miles, I know this isn’t what you want to hear.”
“This isn’t about me, Ro. What you’re not hearing is that it’s not about the pension or financial security. It’s about living your life for you. Not your family, not the navy, not me.” He put his hands on his hips.
Gwen had been telling her the same thing for years.
“Let’s say you stay in for the full twenty. You retire with half of your basic pay as your pension, and of course you get the lifetime health-care option. But what will you do then? What do most of the folks who retire do? They go to a government job or civilian job that’s very
similar to what they were doing in the navy. They think they’re too old to try something new. They lose out on the chance to find out what really makes them tick, what ignites their passion.”
“I think you’ve been to too many transition program briefings.” She referred to the classes and workshops the navy provided to sailors who were getting out or at least contemplating it, whether by resigning or retiring.
“You’re going to do what you need to do, but make sure you’re not just knee-jerking this. Make sure you’re doing what’s best for the Roanna you are today. That’s all I’m saying.”
* * *
MILES WATCHED HER expression go from stubborn to hurt to bewildered. He’d said too much. He knew better, which only pissed him off more.
Ro had literally blossomed over the past month. He’d seen the rigid I’m-an-intel-officer-damn-it girl turn into a sensual woman who was an artist at heart. That didn’t preclude her from being a great naval officer by any means, but he’d seen how happy she was among her yarns and in her house. Or when they were out in nature, be it for fun like today or working on the case.
Well, so much for fun. He’d bulldozed that option the minute he’d asked her what she was going to do for her orders.
“Thank you for being honest, Ro.” He held her hand and started to walk back down the weather-beaten path.
No matter how much it’s killing me.
“How could I not be, Miles? I don’t want to be less than completely fair with you. I’m going to transfer and unless you are, too, to the same place, this isn’t going to end up anywhere positive.”
“Did he hurt you that much?”
“Actually, no. I hurt myself with the illusion of a family life that I never had, and never will while I’m serving my country. But I chose this path and I’m grateful to serve, I really am.”
“You think you’re being a quitter if you don’t make it to retirement, don’t you?”
She missed a step and he steadied her.
