‘I don’t know. I’ll ring.’
Once out on the street he felt revived. He wanted to kiss the cars, the trees, the passers-by like someone who has just escaped from terrible danger. He promised himself never to darken the door of number 45 ever again.
During the days that followed, Fabien was completely wrapped up in Léo. Fanchon had left him with them while she went on a business trip. He found the presence of the child reassuring. Léo warmed his heart like sunshine in winter. He took him everywhere with him, made up stories for him, gave him his bath, prepared home-made soup for him. The child had become his talisman, his lucky charm. Gilles found it a bit over the top. And it started to get on his nerves.
‘No, Fabien, no! You’re spoiling him. And I’m his father, not you.’
He couldn’t help himself. For if his days were illuminated by the innocence of childhood, every night he was brought face to face with his inner depths where attractions and repulsions writhed like a nest of vipers. He emerged from these nocturnal combats bathed in sweat, a nasty taste in his mouth. He washed his hands every quarter of an hour but he couldn’t get rid of that smell of rotting fish.
‘Gilles, smell my hands … Don’t you think they stink?’
‘No … they smell like hands.’
And then Fanchon came to fetch Léo. Fabien took it very badly. He shut himself in his room so he wouldn’t have to say hello or goodbye to her.
‘I don’t get it. Fanchon’s OK at the moment. What’s she done to you?’
‘Nothing! But there she is – “I’m taking the kid, I’m leaving the kid” – and like a bloody idiot, you let her do it.’
‘Of course, she’s his mother! And I’m his father! You’re beginning to piss me off. If something’s wrong, mate, you need to tell me. What is it? Speak to me!’
‘Bugger off! You don’t understand anything! And I don’t give a shit about your pathetic squabbles and your shitty relationship. I’m off.’
*
He marched straight ahead, seeing nothing, his throat blocked by a sob that wouldn’t come out. The crowd seemed to know better than he did where he was going and it was almost as if it made itself thicker to prevent him from going any further. But he was determined to sort himself out; he even took a fierce pride in it. He was not one of those who went home after work and put on their slippers. He would never be part of a family ever again. There was a light on in Martine’s flat.
She didn’t appear surprised to see him. It was impossible to tell if she was happy or not. In the sitting room, Fabien had noted that she had pulled the sofa back and positioned the armchairs as he had told her to.
‘It’s better, isn’t it?’
‘It’s different.’
The low table in front of the TV was littered with the remains of her meal.
‘What were you watching?’
‘I don’t know, some documentary about a war. Would you like something to drink?’
‘A large Scotch if you have it.’
She brought a bottle, a glass and a bowl of herbal tea for herself. As they drank, Yugoslavia with its wounds and stumps, its ruined men and towns, was displayed on the screen. Martine had put her hand on his fly without taking her eyes off the telly. He felt her nails rustling on the rough material of his jeans. He felt a rush of blood to the head. A Serb captain smiled as he stroked a child’s hair. The alcohol scorched his mouth. The herbal teabag was giving off a hospital smell. His genitals were uncomfortably constrained by his belt. They were herding terrified women into lorries in front of men on their knees. He was about to explode when the telephone rang, once, twice and a third time. Martine went to answer it.
‘Yes … yes … this weekend? In fact, he’s here at the moment … I’ll ask him … Fabien, it’s Madeleine, she’s inviting us to her country house for the weekend.’
‘Madeleine is inviting me?’
‘Yes. Shall I say you’re coming or not?’
‘If it’s not to gouge my eyes out, then yes, I’d like that.’
‘Good, OK then. Will you come and collect us here? … Friday at five … No, everything’s fine … Lots of love …’
Fabien poured himself another whisky. He needed to calm his nerves.
‘She knows that we’re seeing each other again?’
‘Yes. I told her.’
‘And … she doesn’t mind?’
‘Apparently not. I’m not married to her. I can do as I please.’
‘Sure. But from not minding to inviting me for the weekend …!’
‘Perhaps she reconsidered. We had an argument the other day about it. I told her if she didn’t like it, she didn’t have to see me any more.’
‘And what if I hadn’t come back?’
‘Why wouldn’t you have come back?’
‘I don’t know. Where is her country house?’
‘Near Montbard, in the Côte-d’Or. It’s a beautiful house.’
He gave in to it, without moving, or touching her, and ejaculated during an ad for Toilet Duck.
Part of him, which he barely remembered, stayed behind at the Celtic watching himself get into Madeleine’s big grey car with a little shiver of misgiving. Martine had insisted that he sit in the front. Madeleine had added, with a hint of challenge in her voice, ‘You’re not frightened of being my front seat passenger, are you?’ He had replied: ‘Yes, I am,’ but he’d sat there anyway. They took an enormously long time to escape the traffic jams. It seemed as if the cars were trying to climb on top of each other, gleaming in the rain, like cockroaches under a sink. The radio announced sunny intervals for the next day, but didn’t seem very convincing. Madeleine weaved between vehicles with an expert hand, and, once she made it onto the autoroute, rapidly speeded up, flashing her headlights to clear the left-hand lane.
Fabien had sunk down in the seat, legs tense, nails digging into the leather, jaw clenched as if he were at the dentist.
Near Fontainebleau the speedometer reached a hundred and seventy kilometres an hour.
‘I find it rather odd that you don’t drive.’
‘I like the train. You can read.’
Martine leant forward between them.
‘Do you have to be so formal with each other?’
‘I think so. What do you think, Fabien?’
‘I don’t know. Whatever you like. It’s good to be respectful.’
Madeleine gave a little laugh, which had the same effect on him as biting into a lemon. Since she had collected them from Martine’s, Fabien had been on edge. In spite of her apparent amiability, her words sounded false. But perhaps it was the effect of the conversation he had had that morning with Gilles. Fabien hadn’t told him who the women were, but he had explained his relationship with them, hoping to excuse his uneven temper.
‘Hmm … Well, I don’t think you’re in love. I think you’re obsessed …’
Fabien had replied that everyone was addicted to something, so why shouldn’t he be? But that was only to put an end to the conversation, because confusedly, he felt that Gilles might be right.
‘Do as you like, you’re all grown up. Where is it, this pile?’
‘At Planay, a little dump near Montbard.’
‘Montbard … That’s in the north of Burgundy, isn’t it? Not far from Dijon.’
‘I don’t know.’
The geographical detail had made him very uneasy.
*
As they left the autoroute after Tonnerre, Madeleine sighed and stretched, holding her arm straight towards the steering wheel.
‘We’re nearly there. Just another half-hour or so. I’m hungry. How about you?’
Night was falling on a patchwork of ploughed fields, undulating violet-brown to the edge of the forest. The horizon was dotted with the odd church clock-tower, and as they passed the little houses with lighted windows, Fabien wanted to shout, ‘Stop! Let me out!’ but already the car was entering the woods.
‘Do you know this area?’
‘Not at all.�
��
‘It’s very beautiful, you’ll see, especially in autumn. Very wild, not a factory for miles around, a lot of game, deer, stags, wild boar …’
Fabien ground his teeth. At each turn he expected to see a beast bounding towards them, as the triangular signs indicated, and crushing itself in a fountain of blood against the windscreen. Visions of gutted animals hanging from butchers’ hooks began to dance in his head. The odour of women’s perfume, leather and cigarettes was making him feel sick. As if on purpose, Madeleine was describing in great detail a blow-out meal she had had in a well-known restaurant in the area.
‘After the cockerel à la crème aux morilles, they served us—’
In a little-boy voice, his mouth dry, Fabien interrupted, ‘Is it much further? I don’t feel very well … I drank too much coffee.’
‘Ten kilometres, if that. But we can stop if you like.’
‘No, I’ll be fine.’
‘Well, just say, OK? Where was I? Oh, yes, the cheese platter! Especially the Époisses, mmm …’
Fabien was as white as a sheet by the time the car stopped in front of an immense wooden door.
‘All right?’
He didn’t reply. He scrabbled feverishly to free himself from the seat belt, opened the door and took three steps before falling to his knees in the wet grass. His eyes closed, he took deep slow breaths, as though to inhale the entire night into his lungs. Martine patted his cheeks.
‘Lean on me. There … that’s better.’
He let himself be guided like a blind person in the pitch black. The only sign of the car was a faint whiff of petrol that hung in the air. They made him totter up a few stone steps then a light sprang on from behind a half-glass door. The house smelt a bit mouldy and of wood fires. In the hallway, a stag’s head stared at him with its glass eyes. He wondered if the rest of its body appeared in the same position on the other side of the wall.
‘My God, you’re pale. Come in quickly! I’ll light you a fire to warm you up.’
They made him sit down, shivering, in a large freezing-cold armchair. Eyes shut, he heard the two women moving about, exchanging words he couldn’t understand and even laughing, which shocked him. A few minutes later, flames were dancing and sparkling in the grate. Slowly the blood began to circulate in his veins again.
‘There we are. You’re coming back from the dead? Here, drink this. Then you can eat.’
‘I’m not very hungry.’
‘Yes, you are. You feel ill because your stomach is empty. Trust me.’
That was too much to ask, since Madeleine’s unrelenting energy and good humour was getting on his nerves. But he swallowed the glass of marc she was holding out to him anyway.
‘Dinner is ready!’
Martine had laid the table behind him as if for a banquet, with a white tablecloth, china, silverware, crystal glasses, fine wine, and boeuf bourguignon. He wondered which hat she had pulled that from.
‘Not from a hat, from the freezer. Madeleine always prepares for an evening arrival. You’ve got your colour back!’
Fabien shook his head like someone getting out of water. The brandy had revived him.
‘I feel as if I’m reliving my rescue from the sea. This is all magical; your house is beautiful, Madeleine, really very beautiful.’
Everything was beautiful when you had been ill. He knew that, but objectively it was a beautiful house with everything in the right place, furniture, panelling; it was luxurious, peaceful and sensuous.
They sat down at the table. After a few glasses, they all began to look at the world with rose-tinted spectacles. They reminisced about the holiday in Majorca, taking care not to mention anything that might cause embarrassment or mar the wonderful camaraderie of the moment. The atmosphere was a bit like a hunting dinner, everyone sharing anecdotes. Fabien felt relaxed; snippets from his childhood came back to him and he talked about his father, about Charlotte, and, the burgundy having loosened his tongue, he moved on to Sylvie. He ignored the little warning lights blinking in his brain – he couldn’t help himself; he felt the need to talk about her, to unburden himself, to unfurl a carpet of truth in front of him. Like arriving at the beach on the first day of the holidays, you just want to get rid of your ragged old lies and run naked into the waves. The more entertaining he was, the more the two women laughed and the more he threw caution to the wind. He was about to tell them who he was. Now that they were friends, he was sure they would understand and everyone would feel better for knowing. Madeleine rose from the table and went to get the bottle of marc.
‘A little glass with your coffee, Monsieur Delorme?’
‘With pleas—’
A chasm opened up, a chasm in which he saw wounded angels dragging their wings. Madeleine had just called him by his name and was fixing him with her smile.
‘Why are you calling him that?’
‘Because his name is Fabien Delorme, isn’t it?’
Fabien looked in vain for the prompter. He had lost his place in the script. Madeleine put the bottle down meaningfully in front of him.
‘Madeleine, what does this mean?’
‘It means, my dear Martine, that you see before you the husband of the woman who was in the car with Martial.’
‘That can’t be true!’
‘Ask him.’
Should he deny it? Deny everything, deny the whole earth and his presence here, or just say yes. He only seemed to have two words at his disposal and he could enunciate neither one nor the other. Just like at school in front of the blackboard, he felt his ears going as red as the neon ‘Tabac’ sign. At that precise moment he felt about eight years old.
‘Oi, I’m speaking to you! Are you the husband of the slut who was with that bastard Martial?’
‘Fabien, say something!’
He had decided to make bread balls that he was piling into an ever-higher pyramid on his plate amongst the remains of the brown-coloured sauce.
A whack on the neck forced him to turn towards Madeleine. She was pointing a revolver at him and it was only a few centimetres from his head.
‘Tell her! Tell her!’
The words seemed to come from the barrel; he had never seen a gun so close up, he could smell metal and grease.
‘Madeleine! What are you doing? You’re nuts!’
‘Not in the least. Haven’t you understood yet? Why did you think he came with us? Did you think it was for your bonny blue eyes? … He doesn’t give a shit about those; he wants to take us down, that’s it, isn’t it? You want to take us down?’
Fabien didn’t take his eyes off the weapon that was trembling at the end of Madeleine’s outstretched arm. He could barely unclench his teeth to say, ‘Madeleine, it’s not what you think … I was going to tell you everything …’
‘So there we have it! You follow us for weeks, all the way to Spain! Then you seduce Martine and alienate her from me and all for nothing. It’s just a game to you! You think I’m a fool?’
‘No, Madeleine, no, I don’t take you for a fool. I … I think I just couldn’t bear to be on my own.’
‘Is that all you can come up with? I’d expected better. I can tell you what you were after. You were after revenge. I don’t know how, but you knew it was me who caused the accident, but as you didn’t have any proof you thought you would win over Martine and get her to spill the beans.’
‘That’s not true! I didn’t know, and what’s more I don’t care. I wasn’t in love with Sylvie any more; I wanted a new life!’
‘Liar! You’re just like Martial, just like all the others; you lie, you take, you jettison, you break …’
‘Madeleine, stop! You’re not going to kill him?’
‘Why not? At least that would be one bastard less! You think I’m going to let him turn us in?’
‘Don’t do it, Madeleine. I’m not going to say anything to anyone. I don’t care about it. Don’t do that, you mustn’t—’
Something released in him like a spring, something that did
n’t want to die and which gave him the courage to grab Madeleine’s wrist. He felt the nails of her other hand tearing at his ear, seeking his eyes, but he didn’t loosen his grip. They looked like a couple of dancers engaged in a grotesque tango. Fabien succeeded in grabbing the gun; his fingers squeezed the trigger. The shot fired as they both collapsed on the table in a shower of broken crockery. Fabien rolled on the ground, his hands clutching his left leg below the knee.
‘Shit! That hurts! That hurts, damn it!’
Between the table and chair legs he saw Martine pick up the revolver and Madeleine sitting on the ground, her face covered in blood, surrounded by shattered glass.
‘Fire, fire! Finish the fucker off!’
Fabien didn’t hear the second shot; he’d already passed out.
He didn’t dare open his eyes, expecting to see his left leg swollen up like an elephant’s and suppurating like a dead beast. Each tiny movement had the effect of an electric shock, making him groan and want to bite something. Something limp and damp was placed on his forehead. Martine’s face, incredibly pale, almost phosphorescent, swam into view.
‘All right?’
‘No. Shit, it hurts!’
Trembling from head to foot, running with sweat and tears, he gripped Martine’s arm. She removed his fingers one by one and proffered two pills and a glass of water.
‘Take those, they’ll help.’
‘What are they?’
‘Co-proxamol. That’s all I could find.’
It took Fabien three goes to swallow the tablets. The water spilt down his freezing-cold chin. The tips of his fingers brushed his leg under the covers.
‘Where are my trousers?’
‘I had to take them off to clean the wound. The bullet went through your calf. I think it’s good that it’s not still in there.’
‘Are you an expert?’
‘No. I cleaned it and put a bandage on.’
‘Did I lose a lot of blood?’
‘A fair bit.’
‘You’ll have to call a doctor.’
‘Oh no. That’s not possible at the moment.’
The Front Seat Passenger Page 6
