by Lucy Gage
Meg wore an itty-bitty, chocolate-brown-and-cream-colored string bikini. Having grown accustomed to Miami temperatures and knowing the water would seem chilly, she’d declined to swim. But Nina had shoved her overboard. She nearly lost her suit in the process, and if you looked carefully, you could see her nipples, erect from being chilled and wet.
She shook her head. How many times had Neil looked at this photo? It appeared well worn, with edges no longer pristine and a crinkle on one corner.
She opened the journal and found more entries about her, some about college. A few were about girls in school – she guessed this particular journal had been composed during his college years. The numerous poems focused almost exclusively on the person currently reading them. She had to write back to him.
To: [email protected]
From: [email protected]
RE: Now I get it
Hey, sexy. I found the other journal. Now I know why you said chocolate brown was your favorite color. I loved that suit. I’m guessing you liked it, too, by the looks of the picture. I hope whatever fantasies you had before were surpassed by the memories we made in August. We’ll make lots more.
Don’t worry about your mom. She’s wonderful. She showed me a zillion pictures and I loved it. She’s right. We’ll make beautiful babies. I can’t wait until we’re back in the same physical space again and can practice our babymaking skills.
Did I mention that lying here, in your bed, makes me feel close to you and miss you at the same time? Is it silly if I feel your arms wrapped around me when I wear your clothes? It’s not anywhere close to the same, but it helps a tiny bit.
Be careful and stay safe. Come back to me. I miss you. I love you.
xo Meg
She sent the email, crawled under the blankets and lay her head where Neil’s had been a couple months before, on the night before the wedding. He’d left behind his scent. As she drifted off to sleep, with Neil on her mind, she hoped that meant peaceful dreams.
Chapter 26
Just before Halloween, a package arrived in the mail from Neil. It held the usual letters and he’d included another journal of poetry. He mentioned that he’d started a new journal after he’d arrived in Afghanistan and that this had been the last one before she became a part of his life.
He sent her another shirt that smelled like him, which was nice, because the other one had lost its scent and she had been wearing it ever since as pajamas. She either wore that or his U2 shirt and UMaine sweats. This new, gray t-shirt said ARMY across the front in black letters. Meg smiled when she recalled seeing him in the hall at the wedding, struggling with his bags while he opened the door to his room. Is this the same shirt? One particular letter held the answer.
Dear Meghan,
I’m sure you’ve seen the shirt by now. Yes, it’s the one I was wearing the day of Danny’s wedding. I’d send you the shorts, but they won’t fit you, and I wear them to run on my days off. I’m wearing them now, actually. Do you remember telling me you thought my ass looked good in these shorts? I can see you thinking about it, but I bet you don’t remember, do you? It was after we went to my room the night of the wedding. I was wearing only boxers at the time. Yes, I’m trying to give you a visual. I hope you like it.
Okay, it’s time I came clean. Don’t panic. It’s nothing bad, I swear. Keep reading and don’t bite your nails. I probably should have told you this a long time ago, but it seemed irrelevant. When you confessed to reading the journal, I knew I had to tell you. So, here goes.
The night of Danny’s wedding, you asked if you could keep me. When I said you could if you remembered, you made me promise to remind you if you forgot. And the next morning, I knew you didn’t remember much, because you acted like you were unsure of me and of us. But you weren’t that night.
I wanted so badly to tell you, but I feared being yet another guy who told you things instead of showing you that it had been real. Even though you wanted to try again in the morning, I blew my chance. Whatever made you change your mind, Meghan, I’ll be eternally grateful. After that, I knew your body remembered, even if your brain was still fuzzy, and I vowed to help you recall how good we were together.
I wanted you to love and want me when you were self aware. I could have told you how great it was and once I showed you, maybe you’d have eventually believed me. But I knew you had been burned by liars and manipulators in the past, and I didn’t want you to ever question if I might be one of those guys. Telling you would have been the easy route, but helping you feel it all again made the connection between us that much more powerful.
It seemed irrelevant that you had fallen for me before the week started when you said you loved me after our hike. But once you confessed about the journal, it felt dishonest to keep the truth from you. I didn’t push you to remember because I knew if it was meant to be, it would happen again. Thank God it was meant to be. Otherwise, I’d be hoping for a swift exit from this world.
Do you understand, now, why it has been so intense? Why it feels like this is a little crazy sometimes? We already had this instant chemical attraction and we found the emotional connection the first night. That whole first week was about helping you remember we had already gone beyond hot sex. If I had told you, it would have been stressful and frustrating for you to want to believe but not be able to recall. So instead of telling you, I had to rebuild us in your eyes.
To hear you say you love me, that made it all worth the effort. Having you fall for me a second time helped me feel confident about this, about us, because I knew that we loved each other enough to get through these nine months and come out the other side stronger for it.
Can you forgive me? I know I didn’t technically do anything wrong, but I don’t want you to be upset with me for it. I couldn’t live with it if I had hurt you by keeping this from you. Please say you understand why I didn’t tell you the morning after the wedding. That it was worth falling in love all over again. Because I know it was worth it. You’re worth it.
I love you, Meghan. More than anything in this world or the next. Don’t make me wait for a paper letter to let me know, okay? It’ll kill me to wait that long to know if you still love me and if you forgive me. Until then, I’ll be waiting and praying.
Always,
Neil
All that time, he knew she’d fallen for him already and he let her come to it again on her own. To know that the woman you had always wanted for your own reciprocated your feelings and you had to hope she’d remember? What that must have cost him emotionally!
It explained a lot. Why the sight of his uniform made her instantly reconsider. Why her body craved him so desperately that first day and every day after. Why her heart so easily let her fall for him and her mind let her tell him she loved him first. He never pushed, just let it be what it was, and that had been exactly what she’d needed. She sat down to the computer and immediately sent him an email.
To: [email protected]
From: [email protected]
RE: Of course I forgive you
Hey, sexy. I thought the title would ease your mind straightaway. As if there is anything to forgive! I appreciate that you told me. Thanks for not manipulating me into believing we were in love when I’d have been skeptical. And to tell you the truth, falling in love with you all over again was the most amazing experience of my life – my heart swelling, the pull as I went under further and further. Magical, powerful – I’m so lucky I got to experience and remember it. The memories help me through some of the roughest nights.
Don’t worry about my affection, Neil. Ever. I adore you. I love you even more because you cared enough for me to consider my needs first. You knew how hard it was for me to trust my feelings because they had been so wrong before. And instead of telling me, you showed me. I could be mad that you used what you knew to your advantage, but I don’t think you did. You earned my love. Twice. I’m the luckiest woman on the planet to have someone as special as you in my corn
er and in my heart.
Be careful and stay safe. Come back to me. I miss you. I love you.
xo Meg
She read the rest of the letters and then tried to keep busy with work in her home office while she waited for his response. She made plans to attend a conference in Boston with Carlos, shuffled schedules to accommodate that, transcribed her paper notes into her electronic files and heated up leftovers for dinner, but still nothing. To prevent going crazy while waiting, she called Charlie.
“Hiya, Meggie! What’s shakin’?”
“Hey, Charlie Brown. Can I ask you a question?”
“Shoot.”
“Did you know that I had fallen for Neil before I told you?”
Charlie hesitated. Then she chuckled. “Okay. Yes.”
“And how did you know?” Charlie revealed what she knew about the events of her wedding. “Why? What happened?”
Meg sighed. “He told me that he knew the morning after the wedding that I had already fallen for him and he promised that he’d help me remember. He took a chance that I might not.”
“But you fell for him again, right?”
“Hard. I guess now I know why I fell so hard and so fast. Hey, did you know he was the guy I met in high school? The one I told you about the day I dumped Justin?”
Charlie laughed. “Busted. When you told me about this guy, I knew it had to be Neil, so I played matchmaker.”
“I didn’t know. Not until after I’d told him I loved him. How will I make it through the next seven months? I hate being away from him.”
“Are you worried you’ll stray? That you won’t be able to go that long without sex or intimate contact?”
“No! Never. Now that I know how much better sex is when you love someone and have real feelings, I won’t go back to that less-than crap. I’m worth more than that. I don’t want to be with anyone but Neil. He’s the best I’ve ever had, hands down, in every way. I wish I’d gotten to know him sooner.”
“Better late than never. So, you met his parents, huh?”
“I did. I love them. I’d be thrilled to have them as in-laws.”
“That’s on the table, right? It’s only a few more months. Long months, but it will go by fast. What are your Thanksgiving plans?”
They talked about the upcoming holiday, which, Meg now learned, had Em hosting at her new house because she’d be away over Christmas. They segued from Em, to her bodyguard and then to Nina. Before long, Charlie had to go. “Nin will find someone again. I’m glad Neil finally told you. I’ll talk to you soon, okay?”
They said goodbye and Meg ruminated alone while she waited. Again. An interminable fifteen minutes later, her email alert pinged.
To: [email protected]
From: [email protected]
RE: Relieved
Hey, beautiful. I’m so relieved that you aren’t upset with me. You’re the keeper of my heart and soul. I’d be nothing if I lost you now. I’m glad to know you’re still mine.
I’ll be out of communication for a few days. I’ll contact you as soon as I can, okay? Don’t worry too much. I don’t have a lot of time, but I wanted to make sure you knew that I wasn’t ignoring you.
I’ll be thinking about how great it was to fall in love with you. It’ll warm me up while I’m sleeping out in the cold. I miss you. I love you.
xo Neil
Meg hated that he’d be incommunicado, but her heart swelled because Neil always kept her informed so she wouldn’t worry. She couldn’t have asked for a better man in this situation. She only wished he didn’t have to be on the other side of the world.
**********
Just before he logged off, Neil saw two incoming emails. The one from Danny teased him about finally telling Meghan that he’d been crazy enough to take the chance on them twice. Neil shook his head. Meghan must have talked to Charlie.
The second one, from Meghan, would get him through the next couple nights while he froze his ass on the mountain.
I’ll be thinking about falling in love with you, too. Let’s meet in our dreams.
If only dreams equaled reality – what he wouldn’t give to be inside her right now or, hell, to hold her hand. He quickly replied, Let’s do that. I love you, and then logged off.
Time to hit the road.
He patted the pocket in his flak jacket above his heart. The bikini picture of Meghan resided there and it made him smile. He grabbed his gear and left to meet the chopper. They were headed back to the same mountain location they’d visited several times. The heat in the middle of the day would be a stark contrast to the frigid night. With no good way to prepare for both extremes, they’d sweat during the day in order stay warm enough at night. He fully expected to sit in the same spot for a good 16 hours straight. They’d get in position before dawn, wait there all day and, with any luck, spot their target long before dark.
Major Willis said they’d watch this target until the orders came to eliminate him. Command fully expected Neil’s team would be the one to take him out, and the sooner that happened, the more quickly they could move on to something else. Hiding in the mountains would get old once the snow piled deep and the temperatures plummeted. Their training in the Sierras last year would be crucial this winter.
More than 24 hours after he’d sent Meghan that last email, Neil’s whole body, bone tired, longed to be done with this particular recon mission. The target hadn’t appeared until mid-day on the second day. Now they’d have to wait until tonight to leave under cover of darkness. It didn’t pay to sleep on the job and the break from recon, for at least a week after this, didn’t compensate for two days of continuously sitting still. Hell, he’d need the break to catch up on his sleep.
Neil spotted unexpected movement through the scope of his M4 and contacted his team on the ground.
“Gopher, this is Crow’s Nest. Target is on the move. Repeat, target is on the move. Looks to be heading toward the bunker on the side of the mountain. Do we have intel on transport inside?”
“Copy Crow’s Nest. Intel says only land transport. You see anything from up there?”
“Looks like movement on the roof. Shit. I’d say that intel is crap. I see a heli. Gopher, check with command for permission to engage.”
Seconds passed. “Negative. Command says hold your position.”
“If he leaves in that chopper, we might lose him for good.”
“Command still says hold your position, Crow’s Nest.”
“Understood. Crow’s Nest out.”
Neil watched, annoyed, as the helicopter took off from inside the disguised bunker roof and flew away with their target on board. Nearly two days of hell for nothing.
Shit, he thought, this isn’t over yet.
And here he’d hoped to have a relatively relaxed holiday season.
So much for that.
**********
Halloween rolled around and Meg made sure Neil had lots of Halloween candy in his care package. She found this sexy female soldier costume and took some pictures that she sent him. She added a note that said, Next year, we’ll have a private Halloween party. For now, she hoped it reminded him that he had someone at home waiting for him. She sent the package so it would be there for Halloween.
Emily and Nina both tried to get her to attend Halloween parties, but she couldn’t handle celebrating without Neil and invented excuses. Instead, she changed into the costume and waited to talk to him late that night, after families would be done sharing the fun from afar.
“Hey, beautiful,” he said. “Wow, Meghan. I think I like it even better than the pictures. I can’t wait to see it in person.” He dropped his voice, “And take it off.”
She sighed at his five o’clock shadow. “Hi, sexy. I wish you were alone. Then we could have a repeat of our first Skype call.”
“Well, I’m alone for now. No guarantees how long that will last. I wish there were. I wouldn’t need much time.” He laughed.
Meg smiled. “Me either. I miss yo
u, Neil. Did your mom tell you that I’m spending Thanksgiving with them?”
“She did. You’re not going to be with your family?” He looked worried.
“My parents are taking a cruise for their 30th anniversary. Usually, I’d make plans with the Wards, but they’re all going to Emily’s and she knows I don’t really want to hang out with Liam. I guess they leave before Christmas for Minnesota and then they go to L.A. for awards season. Rob should get a bunch of nominations this year, so they’re planning for that and seeing her family for Thanksgiving instead.”
“You won’t see her for a while. You okay with that, sweetheart?”
“She has a whole new life that doesn’t really involve me. She tries, but it’s hard to be excited about Hollywood stuff when you’re over there in harm’s way every day.”
“I know. I wish I could be with you. I’m glad you can be with my parents for Thanksgiving. I’ll Skype with them, so we can have a little longer, since we can do both calls together.”
“Good. I’m glad. I know what I’m thankful for this year. I’ll sleep in your bed again.”
Neil laughed. “I’ll be dreaming about that tonight. One of these days, I’m going to get you in that bed when I’m home.”
“Promise? I wish I knew you before August, Neil.”
“I know, sweetheart. Me too. You have a package on its way. Thanks for all the candy. The boys are all on sugar highs right now.”
“I sent extra because I knew you’d share. How did they like the whoopie pies?”
“We devoured them in one sitting. Did I tell you how much I love you or that the guys are jealous because I have such an amazing girl waiting for me at home?”
She smiled at him. “I love you, too. I really am waiting. How many days until you come home?”
“Too many. I think it’s something like 208. You look cold.”
“Why do you say that?”
“Because it’s Maine and it’s October and you look like you could cut glass again,” he teased. “Thanks for braving the cold and wearing the costume. I think my dreams tonight will probably be you in that costume in my bed at home. Maybe sitting on top of me.”
